Death benefits + salaries - how to manage - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-08-2015, 01:56 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Death benefits + salaries - how to manage

I was widowed and left to raise a newborn son alone. I received some money from donated gifts, along with my late husband's pension. I bought a home for my son and I using that money and the pension. 8 years later, I met my current husband. He had nothing in the way of money and had little possessions - he still lived with his parents at age 35. He moved into my home, and got a job and started contributing toward household expenses, such as utilities, groceries, credit cards, etc.
A few years into the marriage, we had a child of our own, we sold my home and bought a home together, although the down payment was entirely from the sale of my original home. A year later, my husband was unemployed, and I paid off his debt and paid his child support for him for a full year until he found another job. At the same time, I also found a job.
Now, both our salaries are equal, but I still receive the death pension. It is my feeling that the pension should continue to pay for the house (since I would have the mortgage on it whether we were married or not), and should also pay for expenses that go along with owning the home (taxes, insurance, etc), just as it did before I met him. Any monies left over from the pension should belong to my first son and I (since the pension is from my late husband and my first son's father, long before I met my current husband). I feel that our combined salaries should cover all the other living expenses we share. However, my husband feels that all the money regardless of where it came from, should be shared monies. But when his mother sends him money as a gift, he thinks that money should be only his. Am I wrong in feeling like I am being used?

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-08-2015, 04:06 AM
jld
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Re: Death benefits + salaries - how to manage

You are right.

He is selfish.

Beware.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-08-2015, 04:41 AM
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Re: Death benefits + salaries - how to manage

Hi
My ex passed away several years ago and my two younger children ( preteen and teen at the time) started receiving death benefits.

I had been getting child support but this was double the amount plus some. I opened saving accounts for each girl and a set amount would go in there. A set amount was set aside to help towards household expenses, their needs, and allowance, etc.

I remarried and it was just a natural understanding that he would not have access to any accounts in their name, even though they are connected (I can make transfers, etc). Only one still gets benefits still and my husband has access to the joint account. He trusts me and that's enough for him.

You did what you had to do to raise your son (and I sorry for your loss). You didn't mention whether or not he has his own account with any savings. It doesn't sound like like your husband would go for that but it's not his money!

By all mean you should be able to set money aside for him. It's really too bad your husband can't see that this is now a time to start saving so he has something to show as a gift from his father.

as he gets older he'll figure things out and may resent you both. My girls have dipped in their savings accounts now and then but with very good reason.

You can always set up an account that has the check go into a separate account that only you can touch. And then pull out or transfer what you need for household/his needs to your main account. It might anger him but you are the payee. They are trusting YOU to manage his money.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-08-2015, 05:44 AM
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Re: Death benefits + salaries - how to manage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seasong View Post
Hi

By all mean you should be able to set money aside for him. It's really too bad your husband can't see that this is now a time to start saving so he has something to show as a gift from his father.

as he gets older he'll figure things out and may resent you both. My girls have dipped in their savings accounts now and then but with very good reason.

You can always set up an account that has the check go into a separate account that only you can touch. And then pull out or transfer what you need for household/his needs to your main account. It might anger him but you are the payee. They are trusting YOU to manage his money.

This!

I'm just another TAM Cleavage Bully.....
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-08-2015, 05:48 AM
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Re: Death benefits + salaries - how to manage

Chippy - money is always a 'difficult' discussion point these days it would seem. Based on what you have shared I have two response points: 1) agree with Seasong on the purpose behind that money, how you are choosing to use it and your general thoughts behind it. 2) I would also consider how your current husband might see that, how your mutual child might see it when they are older and how you communicate your view to them - again keeping number 1 in mind which is reasonable, it may be taken sometimes by someone if they are insecure or if your words are poorly chosen as if your 'original family' is in higher standing than your current one - purely a food for thought comment. Lastly, if you believe your current husband is not trying to get his hands on the money for stupid/silly reasons if might be a nice gesture from time to time to follow your formula but on occasion when money is left over take the entire current family on a trip or something.....in cases like this, the new family has to learn to respect that you are carrying out the intent/wishes of a former family member no longer with you - it's an honor thing...
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-08-2015, 07:03 AM
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Re: Death benefits + salaries - how to manage

IMO, keep it separate. I'd set up an account for your son and put the money in there. You have already been extremely generous financially-(paying his child support-good grief!). He sees the money and his eyes get big.

Should anything happen and the marriage ends, it will extremely difficult for you to keep your separate money out of the house because you've already combined it with marital property. So don't lose everything that is yours. Separate money is not a betrayal of your H. Now if he refuses to see that, well, then its up to you to decide.

I took part of my inheritance to put a 50% down payment on a marital home, only to separate 15 months later. My H wanted to claim half the equity in the home in the divorce. Only because I could prove that I had kept the inheritance separate until the house purchase, and because of the relative short period of time between the purchase and the separation was I able to keep that separate property. Not all states follow this tracing rule.

Just be aware.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-09-2015, 10:01 AM
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Re: Death benefits + salaries - how to manage

You have make a serious mistake. You took money from your h's death benefits and bought a house. Then, sold house and bought a new one with new H. You have co-mingle funds from previous marriage into this new one. Now if you have a divorce, he gets half of everything. Don't matter if you are the one paying for everything house related.

What you have to do now, is to open a UGMA account in your son's name with you as the custodian. Every month put the remaining funds from the pension into this account. In, fact have it done automatically with a set amount. This is his father's legacy to him.

Be very careful in your financial situation in this marriage. Your husband has found himself a honeypot and is taking advantage of you. He is selfish. Go do what I tell you to do. Don't tell him. Just do it.
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