Is this insane or is it me? - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 82 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 04:14 PM Thread Starter
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Is this insane or is it me?

In marriages where both partners work and make money, but one makes more than the other...how do you split finances?

My partner is insisting on charging me for trips and meals etc 50/50 despite the fact he makes double my salary.

He says if we split finances that's how it has to be done, because he says he wants me to realize how much he gives me and I'll be back begging for his help.

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post #2 of 82 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 04:21 PM
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Re: Is this insane or is it me?

We both work and I make more money, but we don't nickel and dime like that. We went on vacation recently and I paid for most of it but he'll buy stuff for us.

He pays the mortgage and I pretty much pay everything else, it works out well. When we have meals out I usually pay but sometimes he'll pay, I don't care because I feel in general things are balanced.

In the end even though we keep separate finances we see everything as household money. Your husband clearly doesn't and you guys are not partners. I'd reconsider staying married to someone like that but if you must simply refuse meals and trips you can't afford. If he offers to pay draw up a small contract for everything he agrees to pay for. When he complains tell him this is how business deals are handled and if he sees you as a business partner you'll treat him like one.

Remember this if he loses his job, because when we met my husband made more than me. If he'd treated me like that I would likely not be married to him but if I was I sure as hvll wouldn't share anything with him now that I make more.
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post #3 of 82 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 04:31 PM
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Re: Is this insane or is it me?

OP,
Scant few details to advise with any degree of competence. More details are necessary to understand the circumstances of this situation. Please elaborate.

Peace and long life
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post #4 of 82 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 04:44 PM Thread Starter
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He handles all the bills now. And he complains about everything I buy. I know for a fact that I bring in FAR more than I spend. He was recently giving me a hard time about get my nails done and pedicure. I was ticked! I said I give you everything I earn and I can't even get a manicure?

He said well then let's split money. You handle all your own stuff, but you will be 50/50. I said that's not fair! I don't make as much! He said too bad, you will learn how much you should appreciate me and what I do for you. He said he would charge me 50/50 for dinners too even though I never eat anything expensive while he eats steaks And oysters.

So I said fine, lets spilt. I'm fine. I can handle my own. He said okay, so you will come back begging me for a loan.
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post #5 of 82 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 04:48 PM Thread Starter
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I should also point out that he puts vacation plans ahead of saving for our wedding. He keeps telling me we can't afford a wedding right now. But he just bought new iPhones and car.
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post #6 of 82 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 04:53 PM
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Re: Is this insane or is it me?

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Originally Posted by solost525 View Post
in marriages where both partners work and make money, but one makes more than the other...how do you split finances?

My partner is insisting on charging me for trips and meals etc 50/50 despite the fact he makes double my salary.

He says if we split finances that's how it has to be done, because he says he wants me to realize how much he gives me and i'll be back begging for his help.
you are not married?...get your own appartment and start dating........
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post #7 of 82 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 05:13 PM
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Re: Is this insane or is it me?

You aren't even married why on earth were you turning all of your money over to him?

By your description he is cheap, petty and selfish. He isn't a good choice for someone to date much less marry. Dump him and find someone who wants a more equitable relationship.
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post #8 of 82 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 05:24 PM
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Re: Is this insane or is it me?

Anyone who says this kind of stuff:

Quote:
He says if we split finances that's how it has to be done, because he says he wants me to realize how much he gives me and I'll be back begging for his help.
Quote:
He said okay, so you will come back begging me for a loan.
is not a good person to marry because he relishes the idea of making you beg for money, and he does not think in terms of "we" but in terms of "I, me, mine."

He sounds like an ass. Are you sure you really want to marry this guy? I wouldn't. His way of handling conflicts is mean-spirited. I would not want to tie myself to a guy like that for a day, much less a lifetime.

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post #9 of 82 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 05:37 PM
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Re: Is this insane or is it me?

Thank GOD you're not married yet. Drop this one. It will only escalate. He has a terrible definition of what a partnership means. In fact, he's probably exactly like my ex-husband and would have no idea what you were talking about if you said you wanted a partnership with him.
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post #10 of 82 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 05:42 PM Thread Starter
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I have been having doubts because of this awful control. He says my insistence on knowing where the money goes shows that I have control issues. After arguing about that... He then had the nerve to ask me "how much money have you spent on me??"

I said you have every cent I earn! He says that my questions make him think I don't trust him and that I'm just trying to prepare to leave him. He has also insisted that I am wanting to get married sooner than later because I am going to scam him or divorce him and try to get half his money. Which is nuts because I have given him everything of mine and while I make les than he does, I still do quite well!

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post #11 of 82 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 06:05 PM
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Re: Is this insane or is it me?

OMG, run, run, far away and run fast. It's not possible to be a partner with someone like that.

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post #12 of 82 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 06:08 PM
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Re: Is this insane or is it me?

You're not married? Geez, dump this guy now. If you marry him you can't complain because you know exactly what you're getting.
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post #13 of 82 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 06:12 PM
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Re: Is this insane or is it me?

Three words spring to mind, OP. Run, hills and fast.
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post #14 of 82 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 06:13 PM
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Re: Is this insane or is it me?

Get out now!

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #15 of 82 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 06:34 PM
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Re: Is this insane or is it me?

OP,
It would appear that you and your H have vastly differing views on finances and savings and also what you each determine to be frivolous and/or exuberant spending. You value manicures and pedicures and he favors vacations and holidays yet it seems you both value things before saving for a wedding. Do you find this troubling?

My wife and I both work and I earn approximately 110-120% more than she. However, I have never considered her "contribution" to our marriage to be in any way less than mine. She does additional things at home that I find to be of great value and truth be told, considering all things, she most likely gives more to the marriage than I do and I greatly appreciate it. We pool all of our finances together and I could not delineate hers from mine if I had to. It is all for us. She does not place a high value on manicures and pedicures and such but if she did, as long as we could work out a reasonably equitable compromise as to frequency and expense then I would not have a problem with it.

It appears your H feels that he wields control over you because of your earning inequality and that seems petty and unfitting a caring SO. Perhaps his feelings for you are more ambiguous than you realize and you should consider rethinking your impending nuptials. At the very least you two should work out what you both see as a fair and equitable financial arrangement going forward before entering into wedlock. Clarity on this subject prior to marriage would seem prudent and advisable. Good fortune to you.

Peace and long life
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