Lying about money - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-21-2015, 06:10 PM Thread Starter
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Lying about money

Basics:
- married 13 years
- 4 kids between 3 and 12 years old
- kids are homeschooled; this is our 1st year doing this
- Husband (me) the breadwinner, wife a SAHM up until a year ago
- I work at home full-time, she works 2 days a week (part-time) outside the home and also works from home while not tending to the kids' needs as it pertains to their schooling
- 1 joint checking account from which bills are paid and we each have separate checking accounts of our own

My wife and I have trust issues and our marriage is likely coming to an end before too long. With that said, she's taken to lying about how much money she has so as to not have to contribute sufficiently toward our household expenses. I assume it's b/c she sees the end of our marriage drawing near and she's taking steps to become self-supportive. I've suspected it ever since she decided to get a part-time job, but I saw proof yesterday when I saw a chat message from her to her sister that she expects to have $1000 paid to her from her clients (she's a contractor) this month. Problem is, she told me earlier in the day she only expects to get around $200. She told me that after I told her that we're in the red this month and I'll need her to contribute enough to keep us in the black. This is very saddening for me, as if all our other issues (for another thread) weren't enough.

Now, I've recently been dishonest about money, too, but for different reasons. For example, I told her she'd need to buy some groceries for a few weeks because I didn't have the money, but I was actually just setting some aside because both our cars were in need of repair. Those are the things I've had (chosen, I guess) to do to get her to contribute. Being straight with her hasn't worked because her priorities are way different from mine.

Finances have been pretty tight the past few years, but we've been making it one way or another, and, truth be told, our financial difficulties have more to do with our decisions than anything else (e.g., I make enough to support the family, but we don't have much disposable income). With the aforementioned trust issues, she went so far as to state that her doing part-time work is more or less an insurance policy against our inevitable split. I understand that she's taking steps to be able to support herself, but doing so dishonestly and at the expense of the household is flat-out maddening, primarily due to the effect it has on our kids.

I have not confronted her about all this for a few reasons: first, it'll probably lead to an argument; secondly, I doubt she'll be honest with me; lastly, she tends to become unresponsive when her back is against the wall. So in that vein, logic tells me "why bother?"

This is looking to be the straw that breaks the camel's back for me, and what I'd like to do is ask her to leave, however I have yet to formulate a plan on how I could financially support 2 households and homeschool 4 children while working full-time.

So in the meantime, does anyone have any ideas about how I can feel less taken-advantage-of? I'm at whit's end on how best to go on living day-to-day in my household.

Thanks in advance.

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-21-2015, 06:28 PM
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Re: Lying about money

Binary, sadly you both seem to be under the illusion of the imminent demise of your marriage, therefore your creating the conditions under which you marriage will fail....in other words a self seeking prophesy.....you both to stop this insane behavior and figure a way to work together and build this marriage
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-22-2015, 09:32 AM
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Re: Lying about money

Is it possible she embellished the income she is expecting to her sister, maybe she wants her sister to think that your family is far more financially secure than it really is.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-22-2015, 03:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Lying about money

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Originally Posted by gouge_away View Post
Is it possible she embellished the income she is expecting to her sister, maybe she wants her sister to think that your family is far more financially secure than it really is.
I wish. I actually saw a few of her invoices she sent to her clients, totaling close to $1k. She only applies the veneer of affluence to those outside the family.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-22-2015, 03:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Lying about money

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Originally Posted by Xenote View Post
Binary, sadly you both seem to be under the illusion of the imminent demise of your marriage, therefore your creating the conditions under which you marriage will fail....in other words a self seeking prophesy.....you both to stop this insane behavior and figure a way to work together and build this marriage
Thanks for the insight, and you'd be right about rebuilding our marriage if we both hadn't ignored our incompatibility with one another from the outset. Everything seemed to be fine when the money flowed, but when finances evened out we found it almost impossible to be on the same page on most things in our marriage.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-22-2015, 03:51 PM
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Re: Lying about money

I know how you feel, my wife does the same thing, she has money, granted, not much of it, but never contributes anything to the family. I have to do all of that, this has led us a a very shakey financial future. I can't save anything because I'm constantly having to cover all the bills. If this keeps up we'll never have any savings for retirement. If we get divorced we're all screwed anyway since I would never be able to cover child support, a place for her and the kids to live and for an apartment for me. I saved so much for the futh=ure and I've has to dip into so much there's nothing left. Marriage has to involve duel incomes, if not there's no way you can make it.

I figure that my wife is doing the same as your wife is, socking her money away for an impending divorce.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-22-2015, 11:54 PM
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Re: Lying about money

In the end it won't really matter if you do divorce, the court can compel both of you to fully disclose your true finances, from bank statements to business records. If she's that stubborn, you can go that route, but if you both have decent lawyers, you should both get advice to cooperate and split with less acrimony. Lying will only prolong things and increase the lawyer fees to get to the same end result. You should probably just be upfront with her. Tell her you saw the invoices, and you don't think she's being honest. Don't argue about it, just walk away. Let her stew on it if she won't communicate truthfully.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-23-2015, 12:52 AM
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Re: Lying about money

Your wife is a contractor. Does she have things to pay out of that income such as self employment tax, income tax, state tax and other bills?
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-23-2015, 01:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Lying about money

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Your wife is a contractor. Does she have things to pay out of that income such as self employment tax, income tax, state tax and other bills?
The answer to your question is yes. However, she doesn't set aside money for that, and since we've historically filed our taxes jointly, she is expecting me to figure all that out come tax time. Even when I told her that she's adding to our tax bill by not setting any money aside, all she said was "I'll pay you back." I hate to be judgmental, but that's nothing short of willful irresponsibility/ignorance in my book, and to sit and watch an avoidable situation unfold is very difficult.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-23-2015, 01:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Lying about money

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
I know how you feel, my wife does the same thing, she has money, granted, not much of it, but never contributes anything to the family. I have to do all of that, this has led us a a very shakey financial future. I can't save anything because I'm constantly having to cover all the bills. If this keeps up we'll never have any savings for retirement. If we get divorced we're all screwed anyway since I would never be able to cover child support, a place for her and the kids to live and for an apartment for me. I saved so much for the futh=ure and I've has to dip into so much there's nothing left. Marriage has to involve duel incomes, if not there's no way you can make it.

I figure that my wife is doing the same as your wife is, socking her money away for an impending divorce.
Have you been able to figure out ways to protect yourself and the kids should you and her split?

It feels like I'm in a situation where all I can do is wait for her to decide when she wants to act. The timing isn't right (financially) to consult a lawyer, but even I were able to, I've never read of a situation such as mine end up where it didn't end up with the husband having to support 2 households.

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-23-2015, 01:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Lying about money

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Originally Posted by SadandAngry View Post
In the end it won't really matter if you do divorce, the court can compel both of you to fully disclose your true finances, from bank statements to business records. If she's that stubborn, you can go that route, but if you both have decent lawyers, you should both get advice to cooperate and split with less acrimony. Lying will only prolong things and increase the lawyer fees to get to the same end result. You should probably just be upfront with her. Tell her you saw the invoices, and you don't think she's being honest. Don't argue about it, just walk away. Let her stew on it if she won't communicate truthfully.
You're right; it doesn't have to be an argument. Thank you for that advice.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-23-2015, 01:51 AM
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Re: Lying about money

Get photo copies of all invoices if you can. That way it's harder for her to squirm out of it.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-23-2015, 11:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Lying about money

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Get photo copies of all invoices if you can. That way it's harder for her to squirm out of it.
Yeah, I have those; it's really just a question of when and how to have that conversation. And also to figure out what I want from it.
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