My husband won't work and won't allow me to work - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-18-2015, 02:52 PM Thread Starter
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My husband won't work and won't allow me to work

Hi. I am very new to forums. My husband reads different ones all the time, but I'm not one to do so. I really need someone to talk to and I don't want to go to friends or family in fear of judgement (not to mention if my husband remotely thinks I'm talking to anyone about him, that's another added fight). I just really need good advice, and not sure which way to go. My husband and I have seen a couple of therapists, but each time it gets deeper into our lives, or the therapist require him to do something, he decides he's done going.

I'll start by giving a quick preface of our marriage. I am in my mid 30's and started dating my now husband when I was in high school. I moved on to graduating from a major university with a bachelors degree, while my husband didn't even finish high school. He has always been a controlling man. He "worked" for his dad's business while I was in college and throughout the first few years of our marriage. He was paid a salary for basically showing up to have lunch with his dad. He was literally paid to do nothing. Yes, being young and having a decent income worked great for me at the time. However about 6 years ago his dads business went under and he has sat at home ever since. We have two kids- 11 and 7. We have had cars repossessed, our house in foreclosure status multiple times (as it is now), and a ton of debt. I began working a sales type position about 5 years ago. I have grown to make a decent living. However, it is not enough to support our family of 4. Being the type of job it is, he knows I could technically work it from home most of the time. I do have a very nice office not too far from our house that I would much rather prefer to work at. If I attempt to work from home, it either turns into cleaning the house, hanging out with him, and just waiting to run to carpool. But each day I do try to go to the office, I am sent at least 60 texts during a 5 hour period, and called over a dozen times. Most of my office days are spent shaking and sometimes crying because of how hard of a morning he has made it with the "text wars". If I attempt to have lunch with anyone from work, I better give him at least a week notice, or he has a fit because I'm not having lunch with him. Keep in mind that we have two BOYS (which will never grow up to be real men witnessing this)- each morning I get up, get both kids up, get them fed, dressed, bags packed, and brought to school all while he SLEEPS. I am there to pick my kids up every single day and then do the nightly routine of homework, dinner, cleaning, baths, etc. He has a rage problem that lashes out every few weeks, and puts young children involved in things they should never witness. I do have family here and know they would support me if I left. I know, as everyone with kids, am trying to keep it together for the kids to not have a divorced family. I just don't know how much I can handle this anymore. I have set deadlines, and it is my own fault for not adhering to them. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!!

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-18-2015, 03:01 PM
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Re: My husband won't work and won't allow me to work

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He has a rage problem that lashes out every few weeks, and puts young children involved in things they should never witness.
You're in an abusive relationship...which you probably already know.

You have children to protect and only you can do it.

You need to immediately make a plan and if I were you, I WOULD involve your family to get some help to get out.

This isn't about judgement or your pride. Its about your children...its your duty as a mother to ensure their physical, mental and emotional well-being and that is not being done right now.

You need to be honest with yourself and you need to get to a shelter.

If you do nothing...this WILL get worse and while you're choosing this, your children are not and they will be victims of your poor decision-making.

You haven't done anything wrong and asking for advice on this forum is a really good idea. This stuff happens because it sneaks up on you and its hard to assess at the slow pace that it happens. You are certainly not the only woman who this has happened to but please do the right thing and fix it now before it escalates.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-18-2015, 03:03 PM
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Re: My husband won't work and won't allow me to work

You kids are much better off being from a divorced family than living in the one you are currently providing. You know you need to leave ASAP before your sons are forever molded by your husbands bad behavior.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-18-2015, 03:21 PM
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Re: My husband won't work and won't allow me to work

Good evening
Yes, this sounds like a very bad relationship.

Reasonable would be for you to work, since you have a job, and for him to take care of the kids / house until he finds work. If you both end up working you can figure out a fair way to split chores.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-18-2015, 03:33 PM
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Re: My husband won't work and won't allow me to work

Try talking to his parents. Sure, he'll have a fit but he has those anyway. What's up with all the texts and phone calls while you are trying to provide for your family? Tell him to knock it off! Tell him you can provide for yourself and the kids and he'll have to find someone else to sponge off of. What a loser.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-18-2015, 04:49 PM
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Re: My husband won't work and won't allow me to work

Why do you answer his texts knowing it will be a text war?
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-19-2015, 10:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband won't work and won't allow me to work

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Why do you answer his texts knowing it will be a text war?
I have to answer his texts because if I don't he will set the "find my iphone" feature to go off on my phone for the whole office to hear. I can not go put my phone in my car, as again I'm in sales and a lot of my day is spent on the phone. He knows this and uses it against me.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-19-2015, 12:49 PM
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Re: My husband won't work and won't allow me to work

Explain to him in very plain terms that he has two options. 1) grow up, contribute to the household, get a job, and stop the "text war" or 2) you will be filing for divorce, cutting off all access he has to your money, and getting on with an adult life of financial and personal responsibility. Give him a reasonable time, like end of January or something, and if he fails to make a real change you actually go and file for that divorce.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-19-2015, 12:52 PM
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Re: My husband won't work and won't allow me to work

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Originally Posted by christy571 View Post
I have to answer his texts because if I don't he will set the "find my iphone" feature to go off on my phone for the whole office to hear. I can not go put my phone in my car, as again I'm in sales and a lot of my day is spent on the phone. He knows this and uses it against me.
Turn off Find my Iphone! Better yet, get your own apple account.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-19-2015, 12:55 PM
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Re: My husband won't work and won't allow me to work

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
Explain to him in very plain terms that he has two options. 1) grow up, contribute to the household, get a job, and stop the "text war" or 2) you will be filing for divorce, cutting off all access he has to your money, and getting on with an adult life of financial and personal responsibility. Give him a reasonable time, like end of January or something, and if he fails to make a real change you actually go and file for that divorce.
No, you do not give a possible abuser an ultimatum. I know she hasn't relayed the entire story, but the safe words and compartmentalization leans this way.

She needs to leave and when/if he gets his crap together they can talk reconciliation.

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-19-2015, 01:18 PM
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Re: My husband won't work and won't allow me to work

Christy: A lot of abusive relationships are borne out of insecurity. Your husband feels inadequate because of his work situation and is probably having some more serious emotional issues than you or he knows. This is manifesting itself into him trying to control you and there's probably other stuff going on that you're not comfortable talking about here.

Suffice to say, this will not get better. You're in a serious situation. Physical abuse doesn't just start usually...its an escalating scenario.

Your husband needs some individual therapy and you and your kids need to get away from him for a while until he does. You can't fix this for him...and you can't fix it with him.

I commend you for trying to work and take care of your kids...I wish it was an easier time for you. Please take my advice and ask for help and spend some time away from your husband. You need to tell him that you won't be coming back until he gets himself some serious help.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-19-2015, 01:51 PM
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Re: My husband won't work and won't allow me to work

OP it sounds to me like you are scared. I agree with the poster phillybeff who said not to give an ultimatum.

Your idea of moving out with the children to your parents' house seems like the best thing to do.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 11-19-2015, 04:33 PM
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Re: My husband won't work and won't allow me to work

Christy, this is just a matter of YOU having no rules, no boundaries. He only does those things because YOU ALLOW IT.

So stop allowing it. "I can only accept one call or text from you when I'm working. I have to get my work done. So if you call more than that, it's not going to be answered. I will put my phone on vibrate so I can still take my sales calls."

Start with that one.
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