Financial Problems in MarriageWhen financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.
You are not the "innocent victim" here. You are his partner and should have been paying more attention to things. From here decide what you want, if it is to stay than you know that he can't handle the bills, if you can than take over. If you want out than get out and pay your half.
I'm sorry, but I agree with Draconis. If you didn't feel comfortable with the way he handled finances when your money was good, you should have addressed it then. Handling money issues only when they are a problem is the wrong way to deal with them in a relationship. What you do from here is up to you, but it was your partnership and shared finances that got into trouble, not just your husband.
Chances are you are already in debt and a divorce will not change what you owe if you filed together on the taxes. But I would suggest counciling if you intend to stay together and he could use credit counciling too. As for what you said, it sounds like you want out and that you will not let time heal your wounds. If that is how you feel than leave. You will have the debt either way.
Just dump him and start new. With $120k in debt, you might as well as sell your soul to Satan on eBay.
There are plenty of other great guys who can manage money better than your husband, and you deserve better. Many women won't admit it, but money is VERY important in a relationship. It's security, power and stability in a relationship and/or marriage. I can see why you are upset and hurt.
I say you need to ask yourself the question, "why did I get married" Was it for money or love? If it is for money then you best leave him and marry someone rich to take care of your problem. However if it was for love then you will be able to work it out. Get help for your husband's spending habits learn to work together and get out of the hole you are in. "Better a poor, loving marriage than a rich, loveless arrangement"
I feel for you. My first husband was Very irresponsible with money, he is in the Air Force, and when he went to Korea for a year long remote tour (dependents aren't allowed to come , so I stayed behind with our toddler daughter and moved in with my Mom, which was only supposed to be till he got back).... Long story short, he went over there, he had everything taken care of, didn't need any money, except a small spending allowance, but he went hog wild, drinking and partying all night in clubs with the "love you long time" girls.. He started charging up our credit card, starting draining our savings, and then checking... meanwhile, i'm in the states trying to pay our bills and take care of our baby, while he's out partying and screwing some girl. He eventually got it so that his paycheck went to a bank in Korea, and he was paying , yes, that's right, paying for his "girlfriend" to live in a hotel (she was filipino, there looking for a husband, let's face it, that' swhat she was doing, and she found mine) , and paying for her to eat, have a phone, etc.... While he was Married to me! Anyway, to make it short, cause I'm leaving out a lot,,,, he got in Major trouble with the Air Force, got a stripe taken away, almost got an Article 15 for the stupid crap he did (to inclue charging on our credit card, a trip to a brothel)....
So, as you can imagine, I sent him divorce papers... and even though our debt was nowhere near what yours is... I basically told him, that because of all the stuff he'd done, abandoning me and his daughter, and giving his entire paycheck to his "girlfriend" instead of his wife and kid who he refused to take care of, that things were going to be my way, or the highway.... please people don't judge, if you knew some of the things he did over there, you'd throw up.... Keep in mind, we were still married and I was being a good wife, back home raising his daughter, waiting for him to come back... He didn't even call his own daughter on her 2nd birthday!
Anyway, back to the point.... Go see a lawyer, Now... find a way to afford one, because even if you're married, you are not necessarily responsible for all the debt he inccured. What you have to do, is get a divorce agreement, which is the standard procedure , and you and your husband have to agree on it of course, but have a lawyer draw up papers, and state the you will not be held responsible for whatever the debt is that you're saying you were either unaware of, or were against him incurring but couldn't stop him.... property and debts are always worked out and split up between the two spouses.... and it's just not as cut and dry as saying that you'll automatically be responsible for half of everything.... for instance, My husand got the whole entire balance of the credit card, I did get the car note. But I told him, that he'd be getting the card, since he's the one who charged it up so high.... he was Not in a position to disagree...
also... about the tax thing... if you did not know, were mislead into thinking he had filed taxes, then you might have a way to get out of that too, I dont' know.. but if you signed a joint tax return, then you'll be in with that. However, if he just never filed taxes, and lied to you and said he did... that's a serious problem for him, and you have a case there for not being help responsible I think... you need to see a lawyer. It's not as hopless as you think it is. But you absolutely cannot do this without consulting a lawyer about the tax laws and divorce laws in your state. I wouldn't stay with someone that nutty with money, personally... but it's up to you. He clearly has no respect for you, and doesn't appear to have any self control either.... Good luck to you.
I know exactly where you are coming from. I also know that you allowed yourself to become a victim of his money habits. I have been there and still am in the dark about a lot of things. I know I have said many times to my husband, fine you want the control and want to spend and give money away then just make sure I never want for anything and you won't hear a word from me. That is not right, but it worked for a while for both of us. The bottom line is in the end you both pay the price for each others actions or lack thereof. I can't blame my husband for it. It was wrong to not put money away for times like these, it was wrong for him to give away money we needed, and it was wrong for me to ignore it. You got something out of not knowing, mine was freedom from paying the bills and letting him shoulder it all. Shame on me. I am just as at fault as he is, and so are you. The last thing I would do right now, at our lowest financial point is make it worse on him by threatening divorce, or blaming him. You got there together you need to get out of it together. You definately have to make changes, it's just hard to believe divorce is the first change you think of.
Is not your fault. I came to Canada in 2003 and from thereon I have "money and husband problems". In my case I was handeling the money and this only because I have a job .On the other hand, my husband form 6 years he only work 3 if you put it toghether, But he make me spend big. I was babysitting a big tedybeer. I spend because he always have his ups and downs how he feel here in Canada, and he always promise me he will make the money back. Never hapend in 6 years and i ending up with 60K debt and living with my inlaws on my credit card expens for the last 6 months. So try to put your self toghether and separate love from manipulation, from what you send before is hapening. I left him in 16 Jan 09 . I got back to him after 5 days , it was our first break up in 12 years. After 4 weeks nothing change, so tomorrow I will go to see my lawer. It's funny in the business world trust=sign the contract, in marrige world trust=I DO but they don't have same value in front of the judge you will pay 50% of that debt and next time step out for your self.
Thanks for understanding, Annacare. It sounds like you and I are in a similare situation. The problem is that I think we thought our husbands would care enough about us to not get us into this kind of debt, but we were wrong. I guess marriage isn't the partnership that is is supposed to be. You should always watch your back and not completely trust your husband to do the right thing. I hope it all works out for you. Take care!
I think when it comes to marriage you definately have to handle all finances, and raising of the children together. Ultimately like you said if he has been given the job of paying the bills etc....you have really no idea what is being paid, how much money you have or don't have, etc.....It is just a very vulnerable place to be in even if the other spouse does a good job at it. You have handed your security right over to him and that alone can really mess your mind up. I know, I have been there before. It is never good for you to lose control of such important issues. This is a live and learn scenario. Everyone makes mistakes, the important thing is you need to get envolved now, and you will have to just kiss away what has happened in the past. It really doesn't matter who is to blame......does it? The important thing is to correct it now.
Yes, you are right, Onlyloney, I do need to forgive him and move on. He is a good man, who got caught up in the wealth and lost himself. It will take some time to figure out if he has really changed, or if it is just that he doesn't have any money anymore so he has no choice. We'll see. This is the trust issue that I have. He did lose his job 6 weeks ago because he just stopped caring to go. His father was seriously ill, but he just let his job go because he was depressed. He got a new job, but only after I said I would stay with him. I really feel that even if I wanted to leave, I couldn't leave until he turns it around. There are other issues, too, but those will have to wait to be resolved until we are stable financially. Maybe he will have learned his lesson from all of this and hopefully we can work it out...
You know sometimes you just hit the bottom of the barrel. He sounds really depressed. I am sure he is more upset at himself for letting you down, and feels really guilty. I think giving him another chance gave him hope and got him back out to work. Hopefully he appreciates the second chance and doesn't let you down.