Lying about our finances for a year
I found out yesterday that we are over three grand in debt on a credit card. I checked the mail yesterday and there was an envelope for my husband. I opened it thinking it was a confirmation letter from our bank about my (newborn) daughter's education fund we just opened. They messed up the spelling of her name and had fixed it and I was expecting them to resend it. But behold, a statement saying the card is maxed out and minimum payments haven't been made even. As far as I knew we had nothing charged to the card, and in fact cancelled it because we are changing banks. Well, that's what I thought and that's what my husband told me. He's been taking care of our finances when it comes to the day to day banking, paying bills etc. We both work full time, but I'm on my fourth month of mat leave, so my income is only 55% of what it was, but this is still enough to cover our mortgage while my husband's income is plenty to cover our monthly expenses and bills.
We've been married five years, and have had credit card debt post-wedding but worked our asses off to pay it off and start saving. We both agreed that we cannot let this happen again. But here I am staring at a maxed out credit card and I think it might have been stolen. I confronted my husband about it over the phone, and he said "it's real". This means that over the past year, every single time I asked him about our savings or said "oh we can use our savings for that purchase", or working in a budget every week in terms of groceries and expenses, assuming that there was nothing charged to our card because I never once used it and assumed he wasn't either, or asked him ANYTHING about our finances, he lied. Now there is armageddon going on in my brain and I can't even wrap my mind around this. I started this year in the hospital for a month with a collapsed lung - at the time in my first trimester - and went back to work cutting my recovery time short so I could work enough hours to qualify for mat leave. While working I made double what was needed to cover our mortgage and that's what my pay check is for, the rest just stays there for a rainy day fund. But now we have none of that rainy day fund and a maxed card. Had I never opened the envelope he would have never told me. He would have continued digging us deeper and lying to me about it. What's worse is he tried to blame my being in the hospital then taking mat leave as the reason why he "had" to do this.
Here's where my head is at. The amount on the card could be a hell of a lot worse, and it's doable for us to pay it off if we really budget and basically skip Christmas this year. But it's the fact that he lied to my face about this for so long that absolutely kills me and leaves me not having a clue about what to do. I've already taken all of his cards, including his debit and he can ask me for cash if he needs gas basically. Otherwise I've changed the passwords to our online banking and he can no longer have anything to do with it - which he is on board with. And while I have a plan to pay this off and get us back on track, what's left is my marriage. He let me use my birthday cash to buy christmas gifts, I insisted because I don't really need anything and thought it would save use a couple hundred from savings if I use that money on him and my daughter instead. But after finding this out, I can't look at him the same. How could he let me spend it on him? And not say anything about the debt he was racking up? He bought us a fake christmas tree two weeks ago which I thought was a nice surprise because our daughter is at the grabby stage and a real tree didn't seem like a good idea. I was so angry and hurt after this that I undressed the tree, put everything back, found the receipt and returned it. Was that a step too far? I wish I had any of the receipts from his gifts but I don't so there's nothing I can do about that. He's insisting on still buying me gifts but I don't want anything from him, I don't even want to look at him. I'm just at a loss and need some advice. We've been together for ten years, have had our rough patches of course, but he's my best friend and I feel so betrayed by all this lying I don't even know how to process it. Especially because we had been through it together before and vowed to be more financially sound. He was there, he saw what that debt did to us. I can't believe he did this.