Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #16 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 04:51 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you everyone for your responses.

I have thought heavily about getting a job again when my youngest turns 1 and your responses seem to point that idea is the best.

Leaving isn't an option, and I dont have any family so it's just me alone. I will have to just deal with this situation for that much longer. It's the best thing for the children Atleast.

And sadly, the scare tactics doesn't work. He is aware that #1 I can't afford a lawyer if we were to seperate and #2 he hedges his bets based on the fact I won't leave because it's so difficult being a mom alone with two little babies...

Oh and Ps - we definitely aren't having more children.

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post #17 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 04:54 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Then you should spend your time looking up the divorce laws in your state so that you understand your rights, and what to expect.

He's keeping you penniless so you can't escape him. That's how abusive people gain power; they keep you helpless. Get that job as soon as you can and keep that money separate.

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post #18 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 04:59 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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And sadly, the scare tactics doesn't work. He is aware that #1 I can't afford a lawyer if we were to seperate and #2 he hedges his bets based on the fact I won't leave because it's so difficult being a mom alone with two little babies...
Not true...you probably will qualify for legal aid. If you look up legal aid for divorcing moms in your area, you'll be able to find some resources and apply. Since you're not working right now, you're very likely to be able to find legal help.

Oh and btw, there may also be some subsidies for daycare...you might want to look that up too. Basically, maybe start doing a little research on where you can find help....there's more out there than you think. Don't let him isolate you.
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post #19 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 06:05 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

This seems to be way bigger than just financial problems. Talk to him about your relationship and what changes he would like to see for things to improve. Don't even bring up your issues, just ask him what he wants. Try to do what he asks for a week and then come back to him and tell him your issues as kindly as possible. Remember this is not about right and wrong, if your going to stay. It's about trying to solve your issues, even if he is the one most at fault.
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post #20 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 06:12 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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Originally Posted by norajane View Post
Then you should spend your time looking up the divorce laws in your state so that you understand your rights, and what to expect.

He's keeping you penniless so you can't escape him. That's how abusive people gain power; they keep you helpless. Get that job as soon as you can and keep that money separate.
I suspect the OP is not in the United States...

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post #21 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 06:27 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Sae,
Do you live in the US?

Could you take in one child for day care?
Or at least start baby sitting?

Reason I'm asking is that you NEED to break his total monopoly on household money.

Oh - and what he is doing is not legal in the United States. And most places have 'legal aid'. These folks will help you for little or no charge.

For now - I suggest you read about doing the '180' in a marriage. It's a way to detach from an emotionally abusive partner.

I don't use that term - emotional abuse - lightly. But this is a clear cut case of it.

Doing a 180 will help you. And it might wake him up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sae761 View Post
Thank you everyone for your responses.

I have thought heavily about getting a job again when my youngest turns 1 and your responses seem to point that idea is the best.

Leaving isn't an option, and I dont have any family so it's just me alone. I will have to just deal with this situation for that much longer. It's the best thing for the children Atleast.

And sadly, the scare tactics doesn't work. He is aware that #1 I can't afford a lawyer if we were to seperate and #2 he hedges his bets based on the fact I won't leave because it's so difficult being a mom alone with two little babies...

Oh and Ps - we definitely aren't having more children.
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post #22 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 11:09 PM Thread Starter
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I'm in canada. There's legal aid here yes, I've met with them already in my province ... they won't do property seperation and I left I'd be essentially "forfeiting" those rights. It's a complicated situation

What is this 180? Sounds interesting ...
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post #23 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 12:37 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sae761 View Post
Thank you everyone for your responses.

I have thought heavily about getting a job again when my youngest turns 1 and your responses seem to point that idea is the best.

Leaving isn't an option, and I dont have any family so it's just me alone. I will have to just deal with this situation for that much longer. It's the best thing for the children Atleast.

And sadly, the scare tactics doesn't work. He is aware that #1 I can't afford a lawyer if we were to seperate and #2 he hedges his bets based on the fact I won't leave because it's so difficult being a mom alone with two little babies...

Oh and Ps - we definitely aren't having more children.
I think that it might benefit you to find an organization that gives supports to victims of abuse. Yes he is abusing you... one of the abuses is financial. By him handling the money as he is, he is keeping you destitute to the point that it gives him 100% control.

The counseling can help you in a lot of way. They can help you identify resources that can help you. They can help you build an exit plan or a plan for getting yourself in a stronger position in the marriage.

And if you decide to divorce, they often have lists of attorneys that will help by giving your free legal services.

Depending on where you live, you probably actually have the right to 50% of any assets and cash he has. They can be found and a court will get for you what you are entitled to.

Use this time wisely.
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post #24 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 12:45 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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Originally Posted by Sae761 View Post
I'm in canada. There's legal aid here yes, I've met with them already in my province ... they won't do property seperation and I left I'd be essentially "forfeiting" those rights. It's a complicated situation

What is this 180? Sounds interesting ...
Look at the link to the 180 in my signature block below.

Forget legal aid. Go to domestic abuse organization. They get into counseling, get to know them. They should have a list of attorneys who will help you.

Sometimes the attorneys will ask the judge to have their fees paid out of marital assets. That mean that the court will make your husband pay for your attorney.

Years ago, in the 1996 when I was going through a divorce from an abusive husband I went to that domestic abuse support organization. There I got into group counseling. I met another woman who was going through the same thing. Since that time we have been very close. We helped each other through our divorces, to raise our children, etc.

She was sure that she could never get a a good job though she had a college degree in technology. I did her resume and pushed her to interview. She's been earning 6 figures ever since. Sometimes we just need someone to believe in us.

Now that our children are grown.. we are still each other's main support system.

I'm telling you this because you say you have no family. You need to build a 'family'. You might find some serious support from one or more women going through a similar situation.
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post #25 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 02:58 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

I'd suggest getting a job but that doesn't solve your primary issue. Your primary problem is you have a guy living with you who isn't your partner. In a partnership, money is "our" money and bills are "our" bills. Having your own career will take much of the arrogant wind from his sail. He will realize you aren't with him out of necessity but out of choice. You will have other obvious, viable options.

When folks marry neither has any idea what the earning capability or the expenses of their partner might end up being. Today, I'm working and my wife doesn't. Next month, I might be disabled and unemployed and she might have to carry the major weight. If the joint choice was you leave the work force and be full time mother, then that choice involves him being the primary breadwinner without lording it over your head and without being arrogant, selfish, or resentful about it. His income was cut in half so he's living proof that crap happens. It could be cut in half again or disappear entirely. He may not believe in child support but every judge I've ever met did. Naturally, the custodial parent would receive the child support. Does he believe children pay mortgages and light bills? I don't see a lot of kids leaping out of their car seats to pump gas or run in and buy groceries.

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post #26 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 03:30 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

He might think that his money is his money, but I have a feeling that the Courts will see things differently, OP. You need to find out where you stand legally and focus on regaining your power. Right now your H is holding all the cards, and what he's doing amounts to financial abuse. Although it can be subtle, financial abuse is definitely abuse, and can trap victims as effectively as the most brutal violence.

You really do need to regain your independence from this man by getting back into the work place, OP. I would also be considering whether I really wanted to be married to someone like him...

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Last edited by Cosmos; 12-17-2015 at 03:57 AM.
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post #27 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 03:42 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

If he doesn't want you to work, then your would need to be budgeted a financial allowance that is yours.
If you don't want to work/would prefer not to work, then that is your consumer choice and get to face your own choices (especially if you haven't got passive income or homebased business).
It depends who is the consumer making the decision.

There are many excellent reasons for you to spend time with the children when they are young, if that is the way your brain and body want to go; and if you partner is keen on that then as a couple there needs to be a decision on what the couples' budget can afford to allow you. Modern wages and costs simply aren't sufficient for 1950's style culture without significant sacrifices.

The best places are family councilors, plunket, and abuse centers. Also citizens advice bureaus often have excellent contacts (usually the abuse center). If your prick of a husband won't let you travel/use a car then the abuse center is your much needed first stop asap, and get your head sorted out. Often they will pay for a taxi, even if you have to get a random neighbour to phone. Failing that ring police and ask for them to help you get to the abuse center/shelter - but don't muck these people around, be prepared to listen hard.

Yes it will hurt your husband, and he will be angry. But you both only get one life to live, and he can't spend his robbing you of yours (or vice versa, if it is really you who refuses to work )
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post #28 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 04:56 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

I agree with Ele, you are being financially abused, seek help from a domestic violence organisation. What he is doing would be illegal in my country (Australia) my guess is that it would also be considered illegal in yours.

He is an abuser and you are a victim, get help immediately.
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post #29 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 05:03 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

What's he planning on doing with the money from the sale of one of your homes? You sound hopeful about it. Did you both go into the marriage owning your own homes?

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #30 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 06:38 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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Sorry, but he sounds like an asshat. Why are you married to a man like this? No, seriously? Why do you stay with a man who treats you like crap?

Leave him and get a job. Don't get married again unless you know for sure that he's not an asshat.
I can think of many words to describe this man. Asshat is good...but I know better ones.
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