Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #31 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 06:39 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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Originally Posted by Holland View Post
I agree with Ele, you are being financially abused, seek help from a domestic violence organisation. What he is doing would be illegal in my country (Australia) my guess is that it would also be considered illegal in yours.

He is an abuser and you are a victim, get help immediately.
Great advice Holland.

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post #32 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 11:27 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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I'm in canada. There's legal aid here yes, I've met with them already in my province ... they won't do property seperation and I left I'd be essentially "forfeiting" those rights. It's a complicated situation

What is this 180? Sounds interesting ...
That is not how it is in Canada. It is pretty straight forward what would happen. Most provinces have tables that are used to calculate child support and alimony.

All Assets and Debts will be split 50/50.

If you met with legal aid, you need to go meet with someone else because you got bad advice.
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post #33 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 11:54 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

I wish I could give good advice on what is available in Canada. But we have quite a few Canadians here who can help.

Controlling someone financially or in ANY way is abusive. He's keeping you where he wants you. Powerless and destitute. No real man wants that for his wife and family. And a real couple consults each other on large purchases. And holidays a pretermined amount to spend on presents is the norm.

The sooner you are away from him, the easier it will be on the children. Their normal will be with parents in separate homes. I know it seems dauntingly impossible but it isn't. There are LOTS of women who manage to raise children alone. Plenty more who do it with the help of a divorced parent. Do you want your children to reach an age where they want to join a sports team but you can't buy the gear because it's HIS money? Those are his children and they deserve to be cared for with a portion of his money. You are a human being who deserves to be able to have a few new items of clothing and a hair cut if you want one. That isn't being extravagant. You are letting him tell you what you are worth. You are worth a LOT more than he realizes. Show him that.

Don't wait. You can pump and they will feed your baby in daycare. Or maybe they will allow you to live in the house and he can keep the other one. Regardless, do something NOW, not when your child is a year. 6 months is a long time to be further torn down.


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post #34 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-18-2015, 12:13 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

I make about 5K more than your husband a year but we have three children (10, 3, and 1). She does get a small amount of support for the oldest one (dad isn't in the picture), but most of that goes right back out for all the activities he is in.

All of the bills come out of my checking account, but we decided it was best for her to stay at home right now because we would end up paying a large amount of her take-home pay for daycare. Even after all of this though, I have never told her she wasn't allowed new clothes or a haircut or any of those things. We have talked and she waits sometimes until a sale is going on for clothes or a seasonal special on a hair cut. Sometimes it is only until the next pay since I've paid all the monthly bills from this pay.

It is a difficult situation and I probably don't tell her enough how much I appreciate what she does. I would dump this guy as soon as you can.
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post #35 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-18-2015, 12:18 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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It's not a happy marriage unfortunately. But we are stuck with each other if for no reasons other than our kids, money and not wanting to be alone.

He would never watch the children while I worked. I doubt he would pay any portion of daycare either so that I could work (he has actually said that he won't pay for childcare so I can make my own money).

And my youngest is only six months and I breastfeed ... I'd have to wean him to even get a job and don't know if I daycare would take an infant so young. Or if I could afford a daycare.

I just wish there was a way to convince him to be more fair. We are not a poor family. He is simply very selfish
Get. A. Job. Now.

You will be divorced in less than 10 years. Better get working on your professional skills now. Even if your income barely covers daycare, you are investing in your future earnings by working now. You will need it.
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post #36 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-18-2015, 12:41 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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I can think of many words to describe this man. Asshat is good...but I know better ones.
We try to keep it clean here.. though sometimes even that fails ..

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post #37 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-18-2015, 03:49 PM
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Sounds to me like you married a controlling ass hole.... It is his duty to take care of you, if he won't go back to work... Screw him
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post #38 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-18-2015, 04:03 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Sae, my heart goes out to you. I feel so bad you're in this situation. I also feel very worried you won't take the advice to get out or at least get on your feet. Your husband sounds like an uncaring, controlling person. You are being abused. I'm especially concerned because people being abused often lose their confidence and think they can't do better or that they deserve their situation. This is not true at all. You can do better and you deserve better.

I strongly recommend you get divorced and deal with the consequences. I don't feel he will change in any significant way and he'll actually get worse over time. Get out now, deal with the temporary hardship, get back on your feet, and have a great life. Your kids will thank you.

Don't believe anything your husband says about financial support. The courts are there to make sure the finances are fair after divorce. Talk to your local women's group and legal advocacy groups to see what your rights are and what social programs you qualify for. You may be able to get help with food and housing as you're getting back on your feet.
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post #39 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-20-2015, 06:52 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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Originally Posted by Holland View Post
I agree with Ele, you are being financially abused, seek help from a domestic violence organisation. What he is doing would be illegal in my country (Australia) my guess is that it would also be considered illegal in yours.

He is an abuser and you are a victim, get help immediately.
What Holland said. Do this OP for you and your children.

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post #40 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-20-2015, 06:58 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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We have talked and she waits sometimes until a sale is going on for clothes or a seasonal special on a hair cut. Sometimes it is only until the next pay since I've paid all the monthly bills from this pay.

It is a difficult situation and I probably don't tell her enough how much I appreciate what she does. I would dump this guy as soon as you can.
Your wife sounds like a good woman. It's funny, so many women who work outside the home brag about how they can do it all work and do housework etc. But a lot of them take that lovely salary and spend it on manicures, eating out with the girls, clothes, shoes, makeup, etc. So that lovely salary isn't really helping out with the household expenses.

I don't work outside the home and I don't spend money unless it's something that's an absolute need. I bet I'm the better deal.

If the OP's husband can't appreciate what she is contributing then he's an idiot.

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post #41 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 10:18 PM Thread Starter
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Small update:

I have found a lawyer who is willing to deal with property division and be paid put of the settlement . I can go through legal aid for child support & spousal support .

This potentially allows me to get on my feet, finish my education and support myself .

Thank you for the comments everyone .
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post #42 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 12:28 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

I have to say the guys seems like a jerk. I am the sole income in our family. My wife does not have to ask for an allowance. We have a JOINT checking account. Marriage is "and now you are one." We take that to mean financially as well. We decided long ago for her to stop working outside the home and be there to raise the kids.

I get disgusted at guys that try to shut everything down. He needs to realize that by you staying home, it is allowing him to increase in his career more than if you were not a stay at home parent. Therefore, you have helped him to attain what he has in work and you should share in that.

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post #43 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 01:06 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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I wish I could give good advice on what is available in Canada. But we have quite a few Canadians here who can help.
Canadian divorce laws are very similar to California divorce laws. Straight equitable split of the marital home...almost automatic spousal support (alimony) and child support based on a standard table. Straight equitable split on asset gains and losses during the time of the marriage between valuation dates (marriage date and separation date).

She's got nothing to worry about unless there's a ton of debt that he's racked up during their short marriage.

And they have the same access to legal aid and initial free consults at most lawyer's offices.

Quote:
Small update:

I have found a lawyer who is willing to deal with property division and be paid put of the settlement . I can go through legal aid for child support & spousal support .

This potentially allows me to get on my feet, finish my education and support myself .

Thank you for the comments everyone .
Very well done! I know its tough to get this started, takes some bravery to stand up to a bully but, in my opinion, you're doing the right thing.
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post #44 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 01:43 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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Originally Posted by Sae761 View Post
Small update:

I have found a lawyer who is willing to deal with property division and be paid put of the settlement . I can go through legal aid for child support & spousal support .

This potentially allows me to get on my feet, finish my education and support myself .

Thank you for the comments everyone .
Good for you. Do what you need to do to become independant.

I am curious...if he doesn't give you access to any money -how do you even shop for food?

Was his family like this?

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post #45 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 05:24 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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He has always said that his money is his, and that's that. He says things like his duty is to the kids and he is not required to support me so anything he does for me is extra ... I have never seem any of his statements and have to take his word on his debts, income and assets.
this is what I got out of your initital post. Your husband does not see himself in a marriage with you.

Look up domestic abuse / violence in Wikipedia. It says there that withholding money from a spouse is one form of abuse.
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