Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #46 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 04:33 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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Originally Posted by Heatherknows View Post
Your wife sounds like a good woman. It's funny, so many women who work outside the home brag about how they can do it all work and do housework etc. But a lot of them take that lovely salary and spend it on manicures, eating out with the girls, clothes, shoes, makeup, etc. So that lovely salary isn't really helping out with the household expenses.
Not "a lot", I think. You might be referring to women (and men, comes in both gender flavours) who think their part-time "work" rates the same as that of their spouses who truly carry the load of supporting the home?

I definitely spend some of my income on manicures, a housecleaner, flattering clothes, a trainer... and my husband LOVES how I look and is proud that we stand very elegantly beside each other when we socialize.

(Wo)men who stay at home should be thoughtful to make sure they find some way to stay connected to their spouses. Respect is earned, and spouses need to make sure their values are aligned in this regard.

I think some stay at home mom's find women like me intimidating. That lack of confidence is communicated to their spouses, which is unattractive. Know where you provide value and be confident in your own right, not by way of comparison to others who demonstrate their value differently.

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post #47 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 09:07 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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I definitely spend some of my income on manicures, a housecleaner, flattering clothes, a trainer... and my husband LOVES how I look and is proud that we stand very elegantly beside each other when we socialize.
I can't say I spend much of my money on manicures and stuff like that. I like making my own vegan facial mixes at home and pedicure night is something me and my daughter do together.

But my wardrobe and home are beautiful and I make zero apologies for that. Its mine, and like a responsible adult, I earned it and I bought it.

I'm mostly a saver but if I want something, I buy whatever I want. I can afford it. I don't have to rely on anyone else for money and don't have to economize with anyone else's money either....nor would I ever want to.

Whether you stay home or not, you should have the means to provide for yourself in the event of a marital breakdown. I'm very glad that the OP is making this move because no woman should have to be dependent on a man for the care of herself and her children. Especially because it sets up a very inequitable power structure.
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post #48 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 09:30 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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You will be divorced in less than 10 years.
And if you continue in the current situation without divorcing, you will be a shell of your former self. Being treated like a servant, and disrespected will wear on you. He will eventually tire of you and you will end up having given your young and strong years raising your children, but have little energy left when you will need it for getting back on your own feet.

Do not tolerate the current situation, and start making a plan, and following through with it.
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post #49 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 09:30 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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Your wife sounds like a good woman. It's funny, so many women who work outside the home brag about how they can do it all work and do housework etc. But a lot of them take that lovely salary and spend it on manicures, eating out with the girls, clothes, shoes, makeup, etc. So that lovely salary isn't really helping out with the household expenses.


I don't work outside the home and I don't spend money unless it's something that's an absolute need. I bet I'm the better deal.

If the OP's husband can't appreciate what she is contributing then he's an idiot.
I find the underlined part pretty insulting. I'm sure that there are some selfish women who do that. But the vast majority of women who work use their income to support their family.
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post #50 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 09:52 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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Originally Posted by Heatherknows View Post
Your wife sounds like a good woman. It's funny, so many women who work outside the home brag about how they can do it all work and do housework etc. But a lot of them take that lovely salary and spend it on manicures, eating out with the girls, clothes, shoes, makeup, etc. So that lovely salary isn't really helping out with the household expenses.

I don't work outside the home and I don't spend money unless it's something that's an absolute need. I bet I'm the better deal.

If the OP's husband can't appreciate what she is contributing then he's an idiot.
I've never known a single woman who has got to do this! There might be some who actually exist, but I've never met any of them. Wow!

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #51 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 10:01 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Good evening
I agree. The women I know who work spend most of their money on things combined with their spouses. Some work and support husbands who stay at home.

Sure, some women and some men spend money frivolously and selfishly. Heck I spend money pretty frivolously when I come to think of it.

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I find the underlined part pretty insulting. I'm sure that there are some selfish women who do that. But the vast majority of women who work use their income to support their family.
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post #52 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 10:18 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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Good evening
I agree. The women I know who work spend most of their money on things combined with their spouses. Some work and support husbands who stay at home.

Sure, some women and some men spend money frivolously and selfishly. Heck I spend money pretty frivolously when I come to think of it.
My father's system was to pay the mortgage then have my mother pay for everything else (including food, clothing etc) out of her income and do all the housework on her day off (he would have laughed at even washing a dish!). We were a family of 8 and he always had lots of money to spend on himself and was out with his friends every night.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #53 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 10:25 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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I find the underlined part pretty insulting. I'm sure that there are some selfish women who do that. But the vast majority of women who work use their income to support their family.
Funny, I know sahm's that spend the day at the gym, drinking wine, getting their nails done and b!tching about how hard they have it. Maybe I should make generalizations about how I'm a much better deal, since I pay a big chunk of the bills.

But there are plenty that aren't like that.

That's the problem with putting down others to make yourself feel better.
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post #54 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 06:03 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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I find the underlined part pretty insulting. I'm sure that there are some selfish women who do that. But the vast majority of women who work use their income to support their family.
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I've never known a single woman who has got to do this! There might be some who actually exist, but I've never met any of them. Wow!
I didn't mean to insult anyone. Sorry if I did. I DO know many working women who use their salary and some of their husbands salary and spend it on themselves.

In my quote I said "a lot" not most or all.
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post #55 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 07:09 AM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

I have a lot of respect for working moms. They do the jobs that my husband and I do, combined.

And if divorce is involved, they often do not get child support, either. They carry the load all by themselves.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #56 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-28-2015, 12:21 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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I have a lot of respect for working moms. They do the jobs that my husband and I do, combined.

And if divorce is involved, they often do not get child support, either. They carry the load all by themselves.
Or some, like me, actually pay it.

I speak from experience when I say that spouses who stay home with the kids and don't invest some effort staying in the workforce are taking a big gamble on their future security.

Even for couples that do beat the odds and stay married, it's silly. All those lost earnings and income splitting that could have contributed to a much more secure retirement for both of them. Once kids are in school there are few excuses to stay home, IMO, except laziness.
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post #57 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 04:38 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Sae761, I live in Canada, and my soon to be ex husband seems to have some personality as yours.

When our daughter was born and I lost my source of income, I was financially abused - my ex did not share his income. Although he paid rent and utilities, bought groceries, he gave me absolutely no money. So, i had no money for my own clothing, food that I'd like, make up, personal hygiene stuff etc.

When our daughter was just 5 months old I had to get part time job so I could have paid my own bills without building debts.
In one year I had a full time job and I become financially independent. Suddenly my ex remembered that we were married and wanted to control my expenses without showing any of his.

So, speaking about getting help, I was desperate and depressed before I got a job, applying to any kind of social services, legal aid and help to abused women. Majority of them were useless.

The only help you can get there is compassion, chit-chat - lots of blablabla, counselling (same blablabla) and references to other organizations. Most of those references were wrong or not working. Legal help was completely basic - something you can google yourself.

As long as abuse is not physical, it's very hard to prove. So, you may not be qualified for women shelter (maybe it's for better as it's not very nice place to be). You may be qualified for financial assistance if you leave your husband, but the amount is so small, not even enough for rent unless it's a basement or other shared living.

What your husband does to you is a big red flag. It's not going to be any better. Maybe I am too sour due to my experience, but I'd advise to get a job as soon as possible and not to rely on social services.
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post #58 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-18-2016, 03:44 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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He absolutely hates the idea of daycare, and wants me to stay home until they go to school.

He works full time, making 50k/year. This is a drastic decrease for him

My husband has said he will make up the difference ($80) but doesn't so I use my credit card each month.

He has always said that his money is his, and that's that. He says things like his duty is to the kids and he is not required to support me so anything he does for me is extra ...
"Husband, you have proven to be incapable of properly supporting your wife and child. I reject your PERSONAL belief that it's a woman's job to stay at home and that you owe me nothing financially. I will therefore be getting a job.'
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post #59 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-18-2016, 03:47 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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And sadly, the scare tactics doesn't work. He is aware that #1 I can't afford a lawyer if we were to seperate and #2 he hedges his bets based on the fact I won't leave because it's so difficult being a mom alone with two little babies...

Oh and Ps - we definitely aren't having more children.
Nonsense. Look for a lawyer who will take your case on contingency, or on payments on your credit card. Eventually, HE WILL be paying you once you are divorced (I assume you're in a Western country?). Whether he wants to or not. You're being emotionally abused. Locate women's organizations in your area and start visiting them and getting them to help you get your ducks in a row.
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post #60 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-18-2016, 04:35 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

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I gave up my job to stay at home with them. He absolutely hates the idea of daycare, and wants me to stay home until they go to school.

He has always said that his money is his, and that's that. He says things like his duty is to the kids and he is not required to support me so anything he does for me is extra ... I have never seem any of his statements and have to take his word on his debts, income and assets.

Should I be more understanding and just accept he makes the money so it's his choice how to spend it?
This sounds to me like a very controlling H. Contact a woman's shelter to find out what services are available.

A marriage is about two people coming together. In your case you have to stay home because he doesn't like childcare, you can't work, his money is his, your financial needs aren't his problem. Where's the relationship? It sounds like prison without the bars. You deserve better !

You asked for a guys perspective so ,,,, I don't think you should accept his behavior. He doesn't sound respectful or loving in my opinion. He isn't going to change on his own.

You will have to be the one who causes change by looking into strategies for dealing with controlling and emotionally abusive spouses. It may not change his behavior but i sincerely hope it changes you and gives you the strength to get to a better place.
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