I'm really looking for the male presepctive on this one but any input is more than welcome.
My husband and I have been together for a little over 3 years, we have two young children together. I gave up my job to stay at home with them. He absolutely hates the idea of daycare, and wants me to stay home until they go to school. He works full time, making 50k/year. This is a drastic decrease for him as last year he made over 100k but has switched jobs.
My monthly bills consist of a phone bill, car insurance and student loans amounting to $400 total. I receive child tax from the government, and that almost covers it. My husband has said he will make up the difference ($80) but doesn't so I use my credit card each month. We don't have a mortage on either of our houses, but he pays for everything else. One of our homes is up for sale and so hopefully soon that will be a big pay day...
He has always said that his money is his, and that's that. He says things like his duty is to the kids and he is not required to support me so anything he does for me is extra ... I have never seem any of his statements and have to take his word on his debts, income and assets.
I haven't spent any money on myself in years. No hair cuts or clothes for example. I do not even have the money to buy gifts for him unless I use my credit card ...
I have tried to talk to him about letting me have an allowance for incidental expenses but he refuses. I have tried to talk to him about including me with the money but he says because I don't make any money I don't get a say.
I'm becoming more and more upset as he does things like buying a new TV when we have nothing bought for our children for xmas ....
My family thinks he is only with me to avoid having to pay child support ( he thinks child support is paying the mother ) .
Should I be more understanding and just accept he makes the money so it's his choice how to spend it?
Too bad if he hates daycare... if that's the case, let him quit his job, stay home with the kids, and be broke while YOU get to spend your hard earned money.
I must say, you have a very unusual financial arrangement for a married couple. How does he expect you to live off of nothing?
Sae,
It's never clear in these situations how much the H truly hates the idea of day care, vs how much he wants to retain control over his spouse by way of finances.
Let's make the positive assumption that he truly believes that a SAHM is better for the kids than daycare.
One option is for you to get a job in the evenings/weekends. This avoids having a battle over daycare.
His financial behavior is toxic. Is it because he is a very controlling person? Or is it because the overall marriage is unhappy?
I think you should consider yourself somewhat fortunate. He's revealed very early on that you can't trust him and that's he's never going to work in your best interest.
Better to learn that now then when you've stayed home for years and years and he's screwing you in court during a divorce.
You now know what his mentality is and so you know that you have to be responsible for you (that's always the reality, most people just refuse to deal with it)...its a good lesson to learn early.
So stop relying on him and start empowering yourself. Get a job, save your money in a separate account, and make a plan B because he doesn't sound like marriage material.
He's out for his own best interest only...and you need to start protecting you and your kids.
I'm thinking if his wife works nights and weekends he will come to value what she does a lot more, because he will have to do it while she is at work.
Potentially this creates a result where - after a year - he says: sorry I was such an ass hat. Can we agree on a budget out of the income I bring in - that allocates fairly to you for raising the kids? And can you reduce/eliminate your work hours?
But as part of that - needs to be FULL transparency into their finances. She can't fly blind and be unemployed. That is crazily risky....
It's not a happy marriage unfortunately. But we are stuck with each other if for no reasons other than our kids, money and not wanting to be alone.
He would never watch the children while I worked. I doubt he would pay any portion of daycare either so that I could work (he has actually said that he won't pay for childcare so I can make my own money).
And my youngest is only six months and I breastfeed ... I'd have to wean him to even get a job and don't know if I daycare would take an infant so young. Or if I could afford a daycare.
I just wish there was a way to convince him to be more fair. We are not a poor family. He is simply very selfish
Does he give you money to shop for food? Or does he do the shopping?
Can your mum watch the baby when it's a little older in the evening?
How many kid? and what is their ages.
Good evening
I think that except in very special circumstances, a married couple should share money. Incomes can rise and fall, you can inherit money, all sorts of things can change the balance. If money is shared both benefit, or both need to cut back. If you love someone, why would you wan them to live under financial stress when you are doing well yourself?
Separately he sounds VERY controlling. Jobs in a marriage are to be shared. Sure for practical reasons one person or the other may become responsible for some task, but it should all be a partnership. This is a MARRIAGE, not a business arrangement.
When I got married, I was a very poor graduate student, my wife had a "real" job that made quite a bit of money and she basically supported me. When I got out of school, my income started low, but rose After about 10 years it matched hers, then continued to grow until it was much larger. Then her parents died and she inherited a bunch of money (the equivalent of 10 years of our combined incomes). We've always shared money, shared costs. When money was tight, we both lived very frugally. Now that we have a lot of money, we can both enjoy things together. If we lose jobs or otherwise become poor, then we will be poor together. I think that is how it should work.
And my youngest is only six months and I breastfeed ... I'd have to wean him to even get a job and don't know if I daycare would take an infant so young. Or if I could afford a daycare.
With my oldest, I used to pump milk at work and put it in a freezer bag. Then I'd leave that milk for during the day and nurse when I got home. It takes a bit of adjustment but its doable.
Many daycares do take babies but there's a lot of home daycares too. There's a bunch of sites you can google that will give you lists of providers in your areas with ratings and information so you can assess how good they are.
You may have to make a transition plan to work part time until you can get adjusted to a full-time schedule and work on your nursing plan but its definitely something you can and should do.
Also...not that I'm suggesting that you do this...but if you're going to live as a single person taking care of yourself and your own kids anyway...if you ditch this guy, there's a ton more resources for single working mothers than there are for married women. You'll be able to get more help without him than with him. Just sayin'.
You need to talk to a lawyer. Find out what you will be entitled to when you divorce in regards to child support and alimony. Depending on where you live, you might be able to find tables on the internet. Then show it to your husband and tell him you are leaving. Guessing once he sees how much he will be paying you when divorced, his entire view on sharing money might change.
Problem is, he will still be him. As others have said, an AssHat.
I have thought heavily about getting a job again when my youngest turns 1 and your responses seem to point that idea is the best.
Leaving isn't an option, and I dont have any family so it's just me alone. I will have to just deal with this situation for that much longer. It's the best thing for the children Atleast.
And sadly, the scare tactics doesn't work. He is aware that #1 I can't afford a lawyer if we were to seperate and #2 he hedges his bets based on the fact I won't leave because it's so difficult being a mom alone with two little babies...
Oh and Ps - we definitely aren't having more children.
Then you should spend your time looking up the divorce laws in your state so that you understand your rights, and what to expect.
He's keeping you penniless so you can't escape him. That's how abusive people gain power; they keep you helpless. Get that job as soon as you can and keep that money separate.
And sadly, the scare tactics doesn't work. He is aware that #1 I can't afford a lawyer if we were to seperate and #2 he hedges his bets based on the fact I won't leave because it's so difficult being a mom alone with two little babies...
Not true...you probably will qualify for legal aid. If you look up legal aid for divorcing moms in your area, you'll be able to find some resources and apply. Since you're not working right now, you're very likely to be able to find legal help.
Oh and btw, there may also be some subsidies for daycare...you might want to look that up too. Basically, maybe start doing a little research on where you can find help....there's more out there than you think. Don't let him isolate you.
This seems to be way bigger than just financial problems. Talk to him about your relationship and what changes he would like to see for things to improve. Don't even bring up your issues, just ask him what he wants. Try to do what he asks for a week and then come back to him and tell him your issues as kindly as possible. Remember this is not about right and wrong, if your going to stay. It's about trying to solve your issues, even if he is the one most at fault. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm in canada. There's legal aid here yes, I've met with them already in my province ... they won't do property seperation and I left I'd be essentially "forfeiting" those rights. It's a complicated situation
Look at the link to the 180 in my signature block below.
Forget legal aid. Go to domestic abuse organization. They get into counseling, get to know them. They should have a list of attorneys who will help you.
Sometimes the attorneys will ask the judge to have their fees paid out of marital assets. That mean that the court will make your husband pay for your attorney.
Years ago, in the 1996 when I was going through a divorce from an abusive husband I went to that domestic abuse support organization. There I got into group counseling. I met another woman who was going through the same thing. Since that time we have been very close. We helped each other through our divorces, to raise our children, etc.
She was sure that she could never get a a good job though she had a college degree in technology. I did her resume and pushed her to interview. She's been earning 6 figures ever since. Sometimes we just need someone to believe in us.
Now that our children are grown.. we are still each other's main support system.
I'm telling you this because you say you have no family. You need to build a 'family'. You might find some serious support from one or more women going through a similar situation.
I'd suggest getting a job but that doesn't solve your primary issue. Your primary problem is you have a guy living with you who isn't your partner. In a partnership, money is "our" money and bills are "our" bills. Having your own career will take much of the arrogant wind from his sail. He will realize you aren't with him out of necessity but out of choice. You will have other obvious, viable options.
When folks marry neither has any idea what the earning capability or the expenses of their partner might end up being. Today, I'm working and my wife doesn't. Next month, I might be disabled and unemployed and she might have to carry the major weight. If the joint choice was you leave the work force and be full time mother, then that choice involves him being the primary breadwinner without lording it over your head and without being arrogant, selfish, or resentful about it. His income was cut in half so he's living proof that crap happens. It could be cut in half again or disappear entirely. He may not believe in child support but every judge I've ever met did. Naturally, the custodial parent would receive the child support. Does he believe children pay mortgages and light bills? I don't see a lot of kids leaping out of their car seats to pump gas or run in and buy groceries.
He might think that his money is his money, but I have a feeling that the Courts will see things differently, OP. You need to find out where you stand legally and focus on regaining your power. Right now your H is holding all the cards, and what he's doing amounts to financial abuse. Although it can be subtle, financial abuse is definitely abuse, and can trap victims as effectively as the most brutal violence.
You really do need to regain your independence from this man by getting back into the work place, OP. I would also be considering whether I really wanted to be married to someone like him...
If he doesn't want you to work, then your would need to be budgeted a financial allowance that is yours.
If you don't want to work/would prefer not to work, then that is your consumer choice and get to face your own choices (especially if you haven't got passive income or homebased business).
It depends who is the consumer making the decision.
There are many excellent reasons for you to spend time with the children when they are young, if that is the way your brain and body want to go; and if you partner is keen on that then as a couple there needs to be a decision on what the couples' budget can afford to allow you. Modern wages and costs simply aren't sufficient for 1950's style culture without significant sacrifices.
The best places are family councilors, plunket, and abuse centers. Also citizens advice bureaus often have excellent contacts (usually the abuse center). If your prick of a husband won't let you travel/use a car then the abuse center is your much needed first stop asap, and get your head sorted out. Often they will pay for a taxi, even if you have to get a random neighbour to phone. Failing that ring police and ask for them to help you get to the abuse center/shelter - but don't muck these people around, be prepared to listen hard.
Yes it will hurt your husband, and he will be angry. But you both only get one life to live, and he can't spend his robbing you of yours (or vice versa, if it is really you who refuses to work )
I agree with Ele, you are being financially abused, seek help from a domestic violence organisation. What he is doing would be illegal in my country (Australia) my guess is that it would also be considered illegal in yours.
He is an abuser and you are a victim, get help immediately.
I agree with Ele, you are being financially abused, seek help from a domestic violence organisation. What he is doing would be illegal in my country (Australia) my guess is that it would also be considered illegal in yours.
He is an abuser and you are a victim, get help immediately.
What's he planning on doing with the money from the sale of one of your homes? You sound hopeful about it. Did you both go into the marriage owning your own homes?
I wish I could give good advice on what is available in Canada. But we have quite a few Canadians here who can help.
Controlling someone financially or in ANY way is abusive. He's keeping you where he wants you. Powerless and destitute. No real man wants that for his wife and family. And a real couple consults each other on large purchases. And holidays a pretermined amount to spend on presents is the norm.
The sooner you are away from him, the easier it will be on the children. Their normal will be with parents in separate homes. I know it seems dauntingly impossible but it isn't. There are LOTS of women who manage to raise children alone. Plenty more who do it with the help of a divorced parent. Do you want your children to reach an age where they want to join a sports team but you can't buy the gear because it's HIS money? Those are his children and they deserve to be cared for with a portion of his money. You are a human being who deserves to be able to have a few new items of clothing and a hair cut if you want one. That isn't being extravagant. You are letting him tell you what you are worth. You are worth a LOT more than he realizes. Show him that.
Don't wait. You can pump and they will feed your baby in daycare. Or maybe they will allow you to live in the house and he can keep the other one. Regardless, do something NOW, not when your child is a year. 6 months is a long time to be further torn down.
I make about 5K more than your husband a year but we have three children (10, 3, and 1). She does get a small amount of support for the oldest one (dad isn't in the picture), but most of that goes right back out for all the activities he is in.
All of the bills come out of my checking account, but we decided it was best for her to stay at home right now because we would end up paying a large amount of her take-home pay for daycare. Even after all of this though, I have never told her she wasn't allowed new clothes or a haircut or any of those things. We have talked and she waits sometimes until a sale is going on for clothes or a seasonal special on a hair cut. Sometimes it is only until the next pay since I've paid all the monthly bills from this pay.
It is a difficult situation and I probably don't tell her enough how much I appreciate what she does. I would dump this guy as soon as you can.
We have talked and she waits sometimes until a sale is going on for clothes or a seasonal special on a hair cut. Sometimes it is only until the next pay since I've paid all the monthly bills from this pay.
It is a difficult situation and I probably don't tell her enough how much I appreciate what she does. I would dump this guy as soon as you can.
Your wife sounds like a good woman. It's funny, so many women who work outside the home brag about how they can do it all work and do housework etc. But a lot of them take that lovely salary and spend it on manicures, eating out with the girls, clothes, shoes, makeup, etc. So that lovely salary isn't really helping out with the household expenses.
I don't work outside the home and I don't spend money unless it's something that's an absolute need. I bet I'm the better deal.
If the OP's husband can't appreciate what she is contributing then he's an idiot.
Sae, my heart goes out to you. I feel so bad you're in this situation. I also feel very worried you won't take the advice to get out or at least get on your feet. Your husband sounds like an uncaring, controlling person. You are being abused. I'm especially concerned because people being abused often lose their confidence and think they can't do better or that they deserve their situation. This is not true at all. You can do better and you deserve better.
I strongly recommend you get divorced and deal with the consequences. I don't feel he will change in any significant way and he'll actually get worse over time. Get out now, deal with the temporary hardship, get back on your feet, and have a great life. Your kids will thank you.
Don't believe anything your husband says about financial support. The courts are there to make sure the finances are fair after divorce. Talk to your local women's group and legal advocacy groups to see what your rights are and what social programs you qualify for. You may be able to get help with food and housing as you're getting back on your feet.
I have found a lawyer who is willing to deal with property division and be paid put of the settlement . I can go through legal aid for child support & spousal support .
This potentially allows me to get on my feet, finish my education and support myself .
Good for you. Do what you need to do to become independant.
I am curious...if he doesn't give you access to any money -how do you even shop for food?
Was his family like this?
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Related Threads
?
?
?
?
?
Talk About Marriage
4.9M posts
105.4K members
Since 2007
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!