Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 01:57 PM Thread Starter
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Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

I'm really looking for the male presepctive on this one but any input is more than welcome.

My husband and I have been together for a little over 3 years, we have two young children together. I gave up my job to stay at home with them. He absolutely hates the idea of daycare, and wants me to stay home until they go to school. He works full time, making 50k/year. This is a drastic decrease for him as last year he made over 100k but has switched jobs.

My monthly bills consist of a phone bill, car insurance and student loans amounting to $400 total. I receive child tax from the government, and that almost covers it. My husband has said he will make up the difference ($80) but doesn't so I use my credit card each month. We don't have a mortage on either of our houses, but he pays for everything else. One of our homes is up for sale and so hopefully soon that will be a big pay day...

He has always said that his money is his, and that's that. He says things like his duty is to the kids and he is not required to support me so anything he does for me is extra ... I have never seem any of his statements and have to take his word on his debts, income and assets.

I haven't spent any money on myself in years. No hair cuts or clothes for example. I do not even have the money to buy gifts for him unless I use my credit card ...

I have tried to talk to him about letting me have an allowance for incidental expenses but he refuses. I have tried to talk to him about including me with the money but he says because I don't make any money I don't get a say.

I'm becoming more and more upset as he does things like buying a new TV when we have nothing bought for our children for xmas ....

My family thinks he is only with me to avoid having to pay child support ( he thinks child support is paying the mother ) .

Should I be more understanding and just accept he makes the money so it's his choice how to spend it?

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post #2 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 02:03 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Go back to work, problem solved.

Too bad if he hates daycare... if that's the case, let him quit his job, stay home with the kids, and be broke while YOU get to spend your hard earned money.

I must say, you have a very unusual financial arrangement for a married couple. How does he expect you to live off of nothing?

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post #3 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 02:09 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Find a job. Put the kids into daycare. If his money is his money, then, you need to make your own.

If he wanted his kids to be taken care of by their mother, then, he should be able to take care of all the expenses. Including yours.

If he can't take care of all your needs then, you must get a job. It's that simple.

Once, you find a job keep your money separate from him and insist he pays 1/2 the daycare fees. That should only be fair.
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post #4 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 02:45 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Sae,
It's never clear in these situations how much the H truly hates the idea of day care, vs how much he wants to retain control over his spouse by way of finances.

Let's make the positive assumption that he truly believes that a SAHM is better for the kids than daycare.

One option is for you to get a job in the evenings/weekends. This avoids having a battle over daycare.

His financial behavior is toxic. Is it because he is a very controlling person? Or is it because the overall marriage is unhappy?






Quote:
Originally Posted by Sae761 View Post
I'm really looking for the male presepctive on this one but any input is more than welcome.

My husband and I have been together for a little over 3 years, we have two young children together. I gave up my job to stay at home with them. He absolutely hates the idea of daycare, and wants me to stay home until they go to school. He works full time, making 50k/year. This is a drastic decrease for him as last year he made over 100k but has switched jobs.

My monthly bills consist of a phone bill, car insurance and student loans amounting to $400 total. I receive child tax from the government, and that almost covers it. My husband has said he will make up the difference ($80) but doesn't so I use my credit card each month. We don't have a mortage on either of our houses, but he pays for everything else. One of our homes is up for sale and so hopefully soon that will be a big pay day...

He has always said that his money is his, and that's that. He says things like his duty is to the kids and he is not required to support me so anything he does for me is extra ... I have never seem any of his statements and have to take his word on his debts, income and assets.

I haven't spent any money on myself in years. No hair cuts or clothes for example. I do not even have the money to buy gifts for him unless I use my credit card ...

I have tried to talk to him about letting me have an allowance for incidental expenses but he refuses. I have tried to talk to him about including me with the money but he says because I don't make any money I don't get a say.

I'm becoming more and more upset as he does things like buying a new TV when we have nothing bought for our children for xmas ....

My family thinks he is only with me to avoid having to pay child support ( he thinks child support is paying the mother ) .

Should I be more understanding and just accept he makes the money so it's his choice how to spend it?
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post #5 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 02:52 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

I think you should consider yourself somewhat fortunate. He's revealed very early on that you can't trust him and that's he's never going to work in your best interest.

Better to learn that now then when you've stayed home for years and years and he's screwing you in court during a divorce.

You now know what his mentality is and so you know that you have to be responsible for you (that's always the reality, most people just refuse to deal with it)...its a good lesson to learn early.

So stop relying on him and start empowering yourself. Get a job, save your money in a separate account, and make a plan B because he doesn't sound like marriage material.

He's out for his own best interest only...and you need to start protecting you and your kids.
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post #6 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 02:53 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Sorry, but he sounds like an asshat. Why are you married to a man like this? No, seriously? Why do you stay with a man who treats you like crap?

Leave him and get a job. Don't get married again unless you know for sure that he's not an asshat.

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post #7 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 03:07 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

I agree he is an ass hat.

I'm thinking if his wife works nights and weekends he will come to value what she does a lot more, because he will have to do it while she is at work.

Potentially this creates a result where - after a year - he says: sorry I was such an ass hat. Can we agree on a budget out of the income I bring in - that allocates fairly to you for raising the kids? And can you reduce/eliminate your work hours?

But as part of that - needs to be FULL transparency into their finances. She can't fly blind and be unemployed. That is crazily risky....

Maybe he's fixable. Some folks are.


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Originally Posted by norajane View Post
Sorry, but he sounds like an asshat. Why are you married to a man like this? No, seriously? Why do you stay with a man who treats you like crap?

Leave him and get a job. Don't get married again unless you know for sure that he's not an asshat.
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post #8 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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It's not a happy marriage unfortunately. But we are stuck with each other if for no reasons other than our kids, money and not wanting to be alone.

He would never watch the children while I worked. I doubt he would pay any portion of daycare either so that I could work (he has actually said that he won't pay for childcare so I can make my own money).

And my youngest is only six months and I breastfeed ... I'd have to wean him to even get a job and don't know if I daycare would take an infant so young. Or if I could afford a daycare.

I just wish there was a way to convince him to be more fair. We are not a poor family. He is simply very selfish
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post #9 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 03:18 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
I agree he is an ass hat.

I'm thinking if his wife works nights and weekends he will come to value what she does a lot more, because he will have to do it while she is at work.

Potentially this creates a result where - after a year - he says: sorry I was such an ass hat. Can we agree on a budget out of the income I bring in - that allocates fairly to you for raising the kids? And can you reduce/eliminate your work hours?

But as part of that - needs to be FULL transparency into their finances. She can't fly blind and be unemployed. That is crazily risky....

Maybe he's fixable. Some folks are.
I doubt this one is.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #10 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 03:22 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sae761 View Post
It's not a happy marriage unfortunately. But we are stuck with each other if for no reasons other than our kids, money and not wanting to be alone.

He would never watch the children while I worked. I doubt he would pay any portion of daycare either so that I could work (he has actually said that he won't pay for childcare so I can make my own money).

And my youngest is only six months and I breastfeed ... I'd have to wean him to even get a job and don't know if I daycare would take an infant so young. Or if I could afford a daycare.

I just wish there was a way to convince him to be more fair. We are not a poor family. He is simply very selfish
Great to hear you are breastfeeding. It is a wonderful gift you are giving your baby.

How about starting a part-time job in the evening, as MEM suggested, when your baby is a year old?


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #11 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 03:27 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Does he give you money to shop for food? Or does he do the shopping?
Can your mum watch the baby when it's a little older in the evening?
How many kid? and what is their ages.
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post #12 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 03:37 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Good evening
I think that except in very special circumstances, a married couple should share money. Incomes can rise and fall, you can inherit money, all sorts of things can change the balance. If money is shared both benefit, or both need to cut back. If you love someone, why would you wan them to live under financial stress when you are doing well yourself?

Separately he sounds VERY controlling. Jobs in a marriage are to be shared. Sure for practical reasons one person or the other may become responsible for some task, but it should all be a partnership. This is a MARRIAGE, not a business arrangement.


When I got married, I was a very poor graduate student, my wife had a "real" job that made quite a bit of money and she basically supported me. When I got out of school, my income started low, but rose After about 10 years it matched hers, then continued to grow until it was much larger. Then her parents died and she inherited a bunch of money (the equivalent of 10 years of our combined incomes). We've always shared money, shared costs. When money was tight, we both lived very frugally. Now that we have a lot of money, we can both enjoy things together. If we lose jobs or otherwise become poor, then we will be poor together. I think that is how it should work.
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post #13 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 03:38 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Sae,
Are you saying he would refuse to watch the kids if you pumped breast milk, and worked on the weekends?

Or are you opposed to pumping?

The one thing I will say with certainty at this point is that you need to not have any more kids with him.

You need to have a plan. Thing is, part of that plan is not making more babies with him.





Quote:
Originally Posted by Sae761 View Post
It's not a happy marriage unfortunately. But we are stuck with each other if for no reasons other than our kids, money and not wanting to be alone.

He would never watch the children while I worked. I doubt he would pay any portion of daycare either so that I could work (he has actually said that he won't pay for childcare so I can make my own money).

And my youngest is only six months and I breastfeed ... I'd have to wean him to even get a job and don't know if I daycare would take an infant so young. Or if I could afford a daycare.

I just wish there was a way to convince him to be more fair. We are not a poor family. He is simply very selfish
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post #14 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 03:42 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

Quote:
And my youngest is only six months and I breastfeed ... I'd have to wean him to even get a job and don't know if I daycare would take an infant so young. Or if I could afford a daycare.
With my oldest, I used to pump milk at work and put it in a freezer bag. Then I'd leave that milk for during the day and nurse when I got home. It takes a bit of adjustment but its doable.

Many daycares do take babies but there's a lot of home daycares too. There's a bunch of sites you can google that will give you lists of providers in your areas with ratings and information so you can assess how good they are.

You may have to make a transition plan to work part time until you can get adjusted to a full-time schedule and work on your nursing plan but its definitely something you can and should do.

Also...not that I'm suggesting that you do this...but if you're going to live as a single person taking care of yourself and your own kids anyway...if you ditch this guy, there's a ton more resources for single working mothers than there are for married women. You'll be able to get more help without him than with him. Just sayin'.
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post #15 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 03:49 PM
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Re: Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom

You need to talk to a lawyer. Find out what you will be entitled to when you divorce in regards to child support and alimony. Depending on where you live, you might be able to find tables on the internet. Then show it to your husband and tell him you are leaving. Guessing once he sees how much he will be paying you when divorced, his entire view on sharing money might change.

Problem is, he will still be him. As others have said, an AssHat.
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