Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #16 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-02-2016, 09:57 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

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Originally Posted by wanttolove View Post
I apologize if this post is a topic already here on TAM. I did a search before posting and did not find a post that addressed my situation.

Here is my situation:
1. My wife has been working full time for just a little over a year. When she started her job, she opened a checking account separate from our joint checking account and has been depositing it in that account.
2. My wife did not consult with me before opening her own checking account.
3. My pay has always been deposited in our joint account since we were married 23 years ago. I have never had an account that is mine only.
4. All of our bills are paid from the joint checking account except for one. My wife bought a car last March and is paying the car payment from her account. In the past year, she has paid off a $300 pediatrician's bill. She does not buy groceries on a regular basis, but uses the joint account when she does.
5. My wife does not keep track of her money. When she runs out of money, she spends from the joint account.
6. I get paid twice a month. The last paycheck of the month pays mortgage, utilities, car insurance. The paycheck in the middle of the month pays my car payment, credit cards, miscellaneous bills, cell phones for my wife and two kids, etc.... I rarely have extra money.
7. She will occasionally transfer small amounts of money to the joint account.

I just got paid last Thursday. After bills were paid, I had about $300 left. That has to last me until the 15th.. and I have to pay our daughter's college tuition with that paycheck also. I told my wife that the joint account could not be touched. As of tonight, there is $25 left in the joint account.

I need to do something, whether it is to close the joint account and open my own account or whether it is to insist that she start sharing her paycheck by depositing it in our joint account. That makes more sense to me as we should be able to better manage our money if it is shared.

I know some couples do well without a joint account. Some do well with all their money going to a joint account. The couples I know that do not have a joint account usually also share paying the bills.

Thoughts?
Your accounts being linked or you both having access to both accounts makes sense. I'm assuming she didn't add you because banks are obnoxious and expect you there and expect yours and her signature to make the account shared. For example, my wife and I have split responsibilities and groceries is one of hers but I'm the one to gets groceries. So the easy solution is that I transfer grocery money via online bill pay from one account to the other because they are linked.


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post #17 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-03-2016, 04:28 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

My paycheck goes into an account in my name, because if my wife has the physical ability to spend my entire paycheck, she will. Then we'll wind up with credit card debt, perhaps in foreclosure.

I pay the mortgage and utilities, and buy most of the food. With gentle reminders, I can usually get her to chip in a bit.


Edit: OP, you might want to make sure your wife hasn't been reading @ladymisato.

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post #18 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 01:10 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

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My paycheck goes into an account in my name, because if my wife has the physical ability to spend my entire paycheck, she will. Then we'll wind up with credit card debt, perhaps in foreclosure.

I pay the mortgage and utilities, and buy most of the food. With gentle reminders, I can usually get her to chip in a bit.


Edit: OP, you might want to make sure your wife hasn't been reading @ladymisato.
Interesting read.....

I propose a new title to her book "Emasculated House Husbands and the women that despise them"

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post #19 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 01:26 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

In this scenario, you set up your own account, and deposit your pay there. You ask your wife to show you her paycheck, and you agree on how much you each divert from your pay into the joint account to pay all joint bills. Neither of you touch the joint account other than to pay bills. If she violates that, don't deposit any of your pay into the joint account, but pay your bills and let her pay her own - assign her other bills to pay that balance things out, and if she does not pay them, let her suffer the consequences (if necessary, put those bills in her name and not yours - I suggest utilities, which usually won't kill you if the power or water or cable are turned off).

You'll have to file taxes within a few months. If you file jointly, at least then you'll have to see her W2. You need to hope she's having enough withheld for taxes, or you may have a big surprise when taxes are due! I have to wonder about a marriage that isn't a partnership, and where one person is financially manipulative and dishonest.

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post #20 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 01:46 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

Well I wouldn't have brought the Lady of Mistletoe back into discussion. But like many I am suspicious that OP's wife is incapable of controlling her spending. If that is indeed the case then having her deposit her check into the joint account would be a mistake. It would give her more justification for dipping into the house funds.

Ask her to pay, as a monthly bill some amount that gets all the bills paid, puts 100 per month into savings, and leaves you with pocket money. Then take away her access to the joint account. Then she can spend her way until it is gone. If she has to go a week on peanut butter and no starbucks, it won't hurt her and will help her plan for the future. I recommend this because it is what worked for me. My wife is the careful spender. I now don't impulse spend except out of my pocket money. If I want to buy her flowers, it means I have to give up something.
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post #21 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 02:03 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

Under the scenario you described I would NOT do a joint account. Last thing you want is pooling the money for bills and she takes some out for non-bill purchasing.

Have her give you a portion of the expenses and put it in an account in your name. Pay the bills out of that account.
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post #22 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 02:10 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

Wife and I each have our own bank accounts/credit cards/etc...

We have a joint checking account that is for household expenses. I make approx 5 times what she does....yet she insists on contributing to the household expenses. Sometimes dropping an entire paycheck in that account. I personally don't care either way.I don't care if she works or not..but what impresses me the most...she gets very upset if she cannot contribute what she believes to be her share. She sees us as a team and works hard to keep our family happy/content/safe/loved. She's a keeper.

The moral of this story,....Figure out why your wife has some sort of anti-team thing going on with you financially....and I would bet it's not just financially. Could she believe that her paycheck is the only part of her life that she has an element of control over? Who decides things in your family? Who has the final say? Right down to who controls the remote?

It sure seems like what you have going on is a symptom of a problem...not the actual problem.

IMO

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post #23 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 02:13 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

After seeing @VeryHurt comments I looked at your other threads. For those who have not wantolove has been in a dysfunction marriage for a decade. He and his wife have been neither intimate or affectionate in a decade. He has told her he wants a divorce over a year and a half ago. His last thread was on a quasi EA with a women from hs church.

Want: Of course she opened a separate account and only pays for her car. This is exactly what most people on TAM would advise a person to do if their spouse told them they wanted a divorce.

Let me first say YOU ARE RIGHT to feel as you do. Now for the 2x4

At this point how could your wife and children have any respect for a man who whines 24/7? Don't say you don't, you have allowed this to continue for a decade. By now your friends are sick of it. A long time ago they figured your just venting. How bad can it be after all your still there after a decade.

You don't need grounds for a divorce at the end of the day. I want a divorce here is 50% of everything, good bye is all the state requires. Divorce, mov on and after the divorce see if sophia might still be interested.
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post #24 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 03:00 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

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After seeing @VeryHurt comments I looked at your other threads. For those who have not wantolove has been in a dysfunction marriage for a decade. He and his wife have been neither intimate or affectionate in a decade. He has told her he wants a divorce over a year and a half ago. His last thread was on a quasi EA with a women from hs church.

Want: Of course she opened a separate account and only pays for her car. This is exactly what most people on TAM would advise a person to do if their spouse told them they wanted a divorce.

Let me first say YOU ARE RIGHT to feel as you do. Now for the 2x4

At this point how could your wife and children have any respect for a man who whines 24/7? Don't say you don't, you have allowed this to continue for a decade. By now your friends are sick of it. A long time ago they figured your just venting. How bad can it be after all your still there after a decade.

You don't need grounds for a divorce at the end of the day. I want a divorce here is 50% of everything, good bye is all the state requires. Divorce, mov on and after the divorce see if sophia might still be interested.
Wow.

That filled in the blanks. Sounds like Op's wife is being prudent.

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Raked by machine gun fire.
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post #25 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 03:26 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

Hi @MarriedDude

Just clarify Wanttolove should have divorced a decade ago. For what ever reason his wife is cold ad closed up to him.

My last post was more of a rant along the lines: FOR CHRST SAKE GET OF THE POT, THERE ARE OTHERS THAT NEED TO USE IT,

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post #26 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 03:41 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

We had the same situation, my checks went to the joint account and she kept all her money in her own account. She would never spend money for family needs nor share money from her account she just kept using money from the joint account (which was basically my account). This never worked out and got worse and worse until it got to the point I was bouncing checks when I paid the bills. Out of necessity I closed the joint account and open my own account which she had no access to. It pissed her off but we were at least able to pay bills on time.

With us, a joint account would never work. You would have to have a honest, dependable wife for that and that is something I unfortunately do not have.

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post #27 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 04:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

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Well I wouldn't have brought the Lady of Mistletoe back into discussion. But like many I am suspicious that OP's wife is incapable of controlling her spending. If that is indeed the case then having her deposit her check into the joint account would be a mistake. It would give her more justification for dipping into the house funds.

...Then take away her access to the joint account. Then she can spend her way until it is gone. If she has to go a week on peanut butter and no starbucks, it won't hurt her and will help her plan for the future. I recommend this because it is what worked for me. My wife is the careful spender. I now don't impulse spend except out of my pocket money. If I want to buy her flowers, it means I have to give up something.
You know, you bring up a point that I have not thought about. Having her deposit her pay into the joint account WOULD give her more justification to dip into the house funds (my pay).

A good part of what is bothering me is that I have to be the responsible one and have very little left out of every single pay check, if anything, all because my pay goes towards bills. I have told her that I need her to take responsibility for paying a bill or two, such as the freakishly large cell phone bill for her and the kids (my phone is not on the plan). Even an extra $100-200 a month would help me. I'm angry about it sometimes, frustrated most of the time, fed up every few months when the emotional bank account hits rock bottom.
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post #28 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 04:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

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Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
After seeing @VeryHurt comments I looked at your other threads. For those who have not wantolove has been in a dysfunction marriage for a decade. He and his wife have been neither intimate or affectionate in a decade. He has told her he wants a divorce over a year and a half ago. His last thread was on a quasi EA with a women from hs church.

Want: Of course she opened a separate account and only pays for her car. This is exactly what most people on TAM would advise a person to do if their spouse told them they wanted a divorce.

Let me first say YOU ARE RIGHT to feel as you do. Now for the 2x4

At this point how could your wife and children have any respect for a man who whines 24/7? Don't say you don't, you have allowed this to continue for a decade. By now your friends are sick of it. A long time ago they figured your just venting. How bad can it be after all your still there after a decade.

You don't need grounds for a divorce at the end of the day. I want a divorce here is 50% of everything, good bye is all the state requires. Divorce, mov on and after the divorce see if sophia might still be interested.
FYI, she opened her own account a year before divorce was brought up in any conversation. I asked for a divorce last June, not a year and a half ago.

Whines 24/7? I whine here and have assumed this place is intended as a place to vent. I do not whine to family and friends. Sure I am venting, but just because a divorce is not happening does not mean I am not doing something to remedy the situation. Could I do more? Maybe. Some people call it patience. It's a different situation when both people and their families are Christian. It really is.

If my wife does not want a divorce as she says she does, then she will cooperate with me and thus make it easier for me to cooperate with her. We are at the stage where SHE needs to prove that she wants to cooperate with me, not resist me. That should include finances. She uses her own account to indulge our spoiled 16 year old son, uses her money in ways I do not approve, thinking that since it's her own money she does not have to talk to me about how she spends it.

I am glad you think that I have reason to be upset.

VeryHurt was wrong to bring up my other recent post. It's irrelevant to the topic posted in this thread.

Last edited by wanttolove; 01-07-2016 at 07:00 PM.
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post #29 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 04:31 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

So you and your wife are engaging in financial infidelity. In fact, she won't even tell you what she makes.

And you're engaging in emotional/physical infidelity at your church, no less.

And you haven't had sex with your spouse in 10 years.


Well, its one of the more interesting definitions of a marriage that I've heard.
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post #30 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-08-2016, 11:02 AM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

Yes in deed the whole relationship is relevant. You are wrong to try to solve this one piece at a time. But, having said that, regardless of what happens in the relationship she needs to get a handle on budgeting. If you stay together and heal all the rifts, she will need to have respect for you , and you will need to trust her. Money is part of that. If you part and co-parent, she needs to be able to sanely run her own household without running to you or a judge for more money every 3 months. In fact unless her Dad is willing to fund her long term and steadily, she has to know how to budget. Her lack of interest in the subject can only be cured by deprivation. She will have to lose something.
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