Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #31 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-08-2016, 02:16 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

You have got to get your act together. First, tell her if all of your money is going into the pot then all of her money is going into the pot. Second, you sit down with her and make up a budget which includes you having some spending money. Her keeping her pay and spending yours is nuts. She's probably got a stash of cash just in case you do divorce her. No spoiling kids unless you are both in on it.

If she doesn't go along with the one pot, then deposit your check and immediately pull some money out. She can't spend it if it ain't there.

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post #32 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-08-2016, 02:24 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

The fairest and most equitable way would be to roll everything over into a joint checking account!

Barring that, then it's every man for himself by setting up dual individual accounts with each party taking care of prearranged bills and responsibilities!

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post #33 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-19-2016, 06:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

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Yes in deed the whole relationship is relevant. You are wrong to try to solve this one piece at a time. But, having said that, regardless of what happens in the relationship she needs to get a handle on budgeting. If you stay together and heal all the rifts, she will need to have respect for you , and you will need to trust her. Money is part of that. If you part and co-parent, she needs to be able to sanely run her own household without running to you or a judge for more money every 3 months. In fact unless her Dad is willing to fund her long term and steadily, she has to know how to budget. Her lack of interest in the subject can only be cured by deprivation. She will have to lose something.
Deprivation is a word that has been on my mind. I know that I need to make some hard decisions that she will have to agree with. Just this past week, she wanted me to agree to turn a trip to Alaska into a two week family vacation. That is all well and good if we have the money. A few months ago, when the trip was proposed, we agreed that if she would have the money for airfare by January (now), then I would agree to the trip. She doesn't have a penny saved for the airfare. So I said no to the trip. She can go with our daughter, who is a bridesmaid, but I am staying home. We simply do not have money for the trip expenses, much less the plane tickets. I backed it up by going over the budget for my pay check with her again, showing her how my pay barely covers the bills. Best case scenario is that I would save $400 for the trip.

Her response was to go to her sisters, who said that they would pay for my plane ticket. I said no to my wife, who then insisted that I email her sister to explain why. I called her sister, thanked her for the offer, and told her that my wife and I need to learn how to work together to live on what we make, that this was an opportunity to make the hard decision that may send the message that I am serious about working together to live on a budget.

I put together a day to day menu for our meals this week, talked about it with my wife, and did the grocery shopping on Sunday night. Last night's dinner was a hit (sausage lasagna), only one small helping left. But after dinner, she sent our son out with a $20 bill to get ice cream, didn't ask me about it. When I asked her why she did that, her reply was that it was her money and for that reason it shouldn't matter. Tonight, they both decided that they didn't like what was on the menu (turkey chili with cornbread), cooked the frozen pizza that was for Thursday and ate it all before I got home from work. Seems like a small thing, but it was incredibly selfish and an insult to me.
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post #34 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-20-2016, 05:31 AM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

And what will happen Thursday?
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post #35 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-20-2016, 01:24 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

see a lawyer and know your rights.

something tells me you will need a lawyer at some point.
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post #36 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-20-2016, 10:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

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And what will happen Thursday?
Leftover chili from tonight. She will likely make the boy some soup, like she did tonight, because she is sure he will not like the chili. Funny thing is that she insisted that he wouldn't like the lasagna that I made on Monday. He loved it.
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post #37 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-20-2016, 11:15 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

I think a joint checking account is much easier -- bills are paid jointly, all money is both of yours, and each of you sees how the other is spending. That's how I see marriage. I understand some people have their reasons for preferring separate, but it sounds like it is REALLY not working for you under your current arrangement, especially if you're running up huge credit card balances.

She's obviously not responsible with money. Maybe she never will be. You at least take some responsibility for money, so you should probably be managing all of the money.
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post #38 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-30-2016, 10:48 AM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

I don't know the back story, and really don't have enough time to go there. But this situation isn't working, period. You make the menu, do the shopping, and then do the cooking? And she decides the boy won't like it so they eat the entire family dinner for a different night, before you get home?

I try to never actually get involved in a thread since I learned the hard way that it is unwise. But that is so not a family. She and your son are a unit, using you and shutting you out. I don't know why you told her you wanted a divorce, but maybe you need to follow up on it. Again, this is ONLY from reading this particular thread.
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post #39 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-30-2016, 12:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

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...this situation isn't working, period. You make the menu, do the shopping, and then do the cooking? And she decides the boy won't like it so they eat the entire family dinner for a different night, before you get home?

...that is so not a family. She and your son are a unit, using you and shutting you out. I don't know why you told her you wanted a divorce, but maybe you need to follow up on it. Again, this is ONLY from reading this particular thread.
Thank you. In one post, you cut to the heart of one of the main issues in our marriage -- cooperation and resistance. My wife has chosen repeatedly to cast me against her and our son. She resists any practical suggestion I make, including budgeting our meals, and has done so for many years. I am taking the step and doing this on my own as a way to get it done. They are both resisting heavily, obviously. This step may be one of the last tests before I finally file. We shall see.

A few years ago, probably 2-3 years, she told me that she can not respect a man she thinks is wrong. The refusal to follow a meal plan and budget our groceries is one way she demonstrates that.
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post #40 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-30-2016, 01:04 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

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I don't know the back story, and really don't have enough time to go there. But this situation isn't working, period. You make the menu, do the shopping, and then do the cooking? And she decides the boy won't like it so they eat the entire family dinner for a different night, before you get home?
I agree.

Why are you in charge of the meals? Also why does your son get to choose what he wants to eat?

I get that some people are more flexible with children and that's not necessarily bad, but to start, could you not tell him that he eats what's on the table or he doesn't eat? It's not like you're making some strange food with bizarre ingredients.

You said your W said she doesn't respect you because she feels you are wrong to plan meals and budget? Did I get that right? If so, that's manipulative.

Keep everyone's comments in mind and try to decide how you're going to deal with her behavior. Draw the line now.
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post #41 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-30-2016, 01:09 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

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If my wife does not want a divorce as she says she does, then she will cooperate with me and thus make it easier for me to cooperate with her. We are at the stage where SHE needs to prove that she wants to cooperate with me, not resist me. That should include finances. She uses her own account to indulge our spoiled 16 year old son, uses her money in ways I do not approve, thinking that since it's her own money she does not have to talk to me about how she spends it.

VeryHurt was wrong to bring up my other recent post. It's irrelevant to the topic posted in this thread.
Actually VH was quite right in bringing up your recent posts. Your current family dynamics are quite relevant. You are actively engaging in an EA in front of your entire congregation, including your wife. There's a pretty good chance she knows, maybe she's saving up money to divorce you?

SHE does not need to prove anything to you. You are both complacent in this dysfunctional marriage. You keep threatening divorce, so do it! Get it over with. Do you really think she's going to change over idol threats? It sounds to me like you are trying to manipulate your wife into becoming more involved in your marriage. I don't think it will help things. Just file for divorce, move out, then she will have to pay all her own bills and you can go date your gf without compromising your ethics.

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post #42 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-30-2016, 09:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

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I agree.

Why are you in charge of the meals? Also why does your son get to choose what he wants to eat?
I am choosing to be in charge of the meals as a means of controlling spending on food. If I had it my way and if my wife listened to me, our son would have one choice for meals -- what we are eating. But she undermines me, fixes him something else or takes him out for fast food when he turns up his nose at the meal. I have even heard her console him as she walked through our garage to the car to buy him fast food, telling him that she was on his side. She is flexible in a mostly harmful way.

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You said your W said she doesn't respect you because she feels you are wrong to plan meals and budget? Did I get that right? If so, that's manipulative.
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No, but that's OK. She feels I am wrong about raising our children in general. It's true that her resistance to cooperate with me about meals and budget is a symptom of that disrespect.
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post #43 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-30-2016, 10:08 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

We used to have joint accounts but when my wife opened up her own separate account, it turned out to be one of the opening gambits to our eventual D. Her attitude was, "what you earn is the family's and what I earn is mine." Her account ended up financing her new life without me. Hope your situation is different.
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post #44 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-30-2016, 10:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

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...You are actively engaging in an EA in front of your entire congregation, including your wife.
No. I'm not. The issue in this thread is about cooperation and resistance that has existed for a long, long time. It's practically destroyed our finances. It's an issue that needs to be fixed.

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SHE does not need to prove anything to you. You are both complacent in this dysfunctional marriage. You keep threatening divorce, so do it! .. Do you really think she's going to change over idol threats? It sounds to me like you are trying to manipulate your wife into becoming more involved in your marriage....
I think you are trying to be helpful, but I must disagree. SHE DOES need to prove that she is willing to cooperate with me, trust me. The reason why a divorce did not happen last year is that she insisted that our marriage is worth saving. The conversation we had was not a threat. I told her that I wanted a divorce. What I am doing is actively trying to change a financial mess that needs to be fixed.. and I need her to prove to me that she wants that to happen. I am taking the lead, making the tough decisions. How is that manipulation?
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post #45 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-30-2016, 10:26 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

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I pay the mortgage and utilities, and buy most of the food. With gentle reminders, I can usually get her to chip in a bit.
Oh dear! I think I just sprained a muscle LMFAO-ing at that one.
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