Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #46 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-31-2016, 02:50 AM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

Originally Posted by wanttolove View Post
No. I'm not. The issue in this thread is about cooperation and resistance that has existed for a long, long time. It's practically destroyed our finances. It's an issue that needs to be fixed.

I think you are trying to be helpful, but I must disagree. SHE DOES need to prove that she is willing to cooperate with me, trust me. The reason why a divorce did not happen last year is that she insisted that our marriage is worth saving. The conversation we had was not a threat. I told her that I wanted a divorce. What I am doing is actively trying to change a financial mess that needs to be fixed.. and I need her to prove to me that she wants that to happen. I am taking the lead, making the tough decisions. How is that manipulation?
So you don't think your EA with Sophia could be causing your wife to be even more resentful and stubborn? You also mentioned you cannot afford marriage counseling, do you know how much a divorce costs? Does your parish not offer counseling services, would your minister be willing to help? Why does she have to co-operate with you? Why can't you two work on it together and compromise? In your other post for mentioned you guys do not attend church as a couple, why can't you "both " compromise, one week go your preferred service, the next your wife's?

Your coming across as two people who live in the same house, not husband and wife. If you really want to save this marriage, you both have to make can effort and concessions.

It appears to me as manipulation because you seem to be treating her as a subordinate, not an equal. You make all these plans and demands, expecting her to be supportive, but have no voice. I also get the feeling that you aren't/weren't serious about the divorce because things seem to be getting worse between the two of you. Not to mention you have a budding EA outside your marriage, so your needs are now getting met elsewhere.

If your truly in a sexless, loveless, marriage with no respect and neither of you are willing to make it work, then just divorce. You cannot be a parent to a spouse, a marriage has to be a partnership, IMHO. By the way, what exactly did she say to make you believe your marriage was worth saving?

Consilio et animis
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post #47 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-31-2016, 03:50 AM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

Originally Posted by wanttolove View Post
I am choosing to be in charge of the meals as a means of controlling spending on food. If I had it my way and if my wife listened to me, our son would have one choice for meals -- what we are eating. But she undermines me, fixes him something else or takes him out for fast food when he turns up his nose at the meal. I have even heard her console him as she walked through our garage to the car to buy him fast food, telling him that she was on his side. She is flexible in a mostly harmful way.

No, but that's OK. She feels I am wrong about raising our children in general. It's true that her resistance to cooperate with me about meals and budget is a symptom of that disrespect.
I guess you will need to exert more control over the situation by financial means. I find her relationship with your son to be disturbing. I can't fathom why she would want to undermine paternal authority over a boy, especially. That is just asking for trouble. Boys need a strong father figure.
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post #48 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-31-2016, 08:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

Originally Posted by always_hopefull View Post
...It appears to me as manipulation because you seem to be treating her as a subordinate, not an equal. You make all these plans and demands, expecting her to be supportive, but have no voice. ....You cannot be a parent to a spouse, a marriage has to be a partnership, IMHO.
Let's turn that around -- what if the problem is that I have been treating her as an equal for too long, including let her do her own thing, only to damage our finances? Someone needs to take the lead, including making hard decisions, and if she is not going to do it, then it needs to be me. I am not leaving her out. I am not being a dictator. I am not saying that it has to be my way or else. I am not demanding that she support me or show her support... but I need to see it.

Today is the day that I make out the meal plan for the week, as well as make a grocery list. Today she was ready for me, had two recipes that she wanted as meals this week. We talked about items that needed to be on the grocery list, decided on which would be bought today. She knows exactly how much money that is available from the paycheck I received last Friday, after bills are paid, until I get paid again in the middle of the month (not much). After two weeks, my actions are starting to work. She is beginning to cooperate, work with me, and she is starting to see the bigger picture.

Does that sound like manipulation? Seems to me like maybe I am doing what needs to be done, taking the lead, actually doing something right.

We do have a long, long way to go. Honestly, I don't really want to be married to her because she really does require a lot of patience, as well as our physical relationship being so damaged that it seems hopeless. But I made a vow, we have a child in college who needs us financially as well -- and I know full well what a divorce will do to my finances, and I also know that I will lose her family in a divorce.

And with all due respect, please lay off the EA remarks. It does not exist and is not even remotely a factor. I do have a strong need for affection and tenderness, but I know full well that I am not going to find that with anyone while I am still married.. and I am not going to try.
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post #49 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 02:57 PM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

Originally Posted by wanttolove View Post
close the joint account and open my own account
Problem solved. She's a pariah. Kick her off the gravy train.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #50 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-05-2016, 11:38 AM
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You need to have joint accounts. It serves as accountability for both of you. You guys are married that means you share everythng. Don't compare what each other makes because that is always a lose, lose situation. For what it is worth, check out Pretty good info about how to handle issues like this in your marriage.
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post #51 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 11:58 AM
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Re: Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay

Originally Posted by wanttolove View Post
I apologize if this post is a topic already here on TAM. I did a search before posting and did not find a post that addressed my situation.

Here is my situation:
1. My wife has been working full time for just a little over a year. When she started her job, she opened a checking account separate from our joint checking account and has been depositing it in that account.
2. My wife did not consult with me before opening her own checking account.
3. My pay has always been deposited in our joint account since we were married 23 years ago. I have never had an account that is mine only.
4. All of our bills are paid from the joint checking account except for one. My wife bought a car last March and is paying the car payment from her account. In the past year, she has paid off a $300 pediatrician's bill. She does not buy groceries on a regular basis, but uses the joint account when she does.
5. My wife does not keep track of her money. When she runs out of money, she spends from the joint account.
6. I get paid twice a month. The last paycheck of the month pays mortgage, utilities, car insurance. The paycheck in the middle of the month pays my car payment, credit cards, miscellaneous bills, cell phones for my wife and two kids, etc.... I rarely have extra money.
7. She will occasionally transfer small amounts of money to the joint account.

I just got paid last Thursday. After bills were paid, I had about $300 left. That has to last me until the 15th.. and I have to pay our daughter's college tuition with that paycheck also. I told my wife that the joint account could not be touched. As of tonight, there is $25 left in the joint account.

I need to do something, whether it is to close the joint account and open my own account or whether it is to insist that she start sharing her paycheck by depositing it in our joint account. That makes more sense to me as we should be able to better manage our money if it is shared.

I know some couples do well without a joint account. Some do well with all their money going to a joint account. The couples I know that do not have a joint account usually also share paying the bills.


My wife and I have our original checking accounts. When we got married, we made them joint spousal. No other bank accounts opened or needed.

Everything we do is online of course and we both can see all the finances whenever we wish. No secrets and nothing hidden.

I know older couples who only have one main bank account. They couldn't conceive having their own bank accounts.

I would say modern couples have their own bank accounts, joint spousal and pay their fair share of the monthly bills. This still gives you the independence and responsibility of being single while you are married. Results for us, no fighting about bills and money.

Whoever is better at paying the bills early and doing the finances does this while the other person is kept in the loop and assists. You are the one to be running all the finances and leading your wife. If you don't, disaster follows.

Same thing goes for credit cards. Each have your own but again, joint spousal and you both know what's on them at all times.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.
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