Am I Selfish? - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 09:12 PM Thread Starter
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Am I Selfish?

I was stressed and depressed with my job #1, but the income was stable and the benefits were great. I felt very unhappy and had no interest in enjoying life after work. I was so negative about myself. After months of thinking, I started to apply everywhere for a new job. God answered my prayers. The new job makes me feel alive again. It has minimum to no stress. I am Ok with the lower pay. New coworkers and boss like me.

My boss at job #1 offered me to keep the same position but work 2 days/month in the weekend for $800. She said I am welcome to come back full-time if the new job is not working out, but if I quit completely it might be difficult to come back. The money helps and I have been doing it for the family, but I dread working those 2 days so much . I have days when I actually "love" it, but the stress is crazy. I am thinking of quitting, but my family are against my decision. I feel guilty and obligated to work in the weekend. I could have all the weekend off and doing something else I love, but I am afraid it would be too selfish when my family need the money. I also feel bad with boss #1 (Turnover rate is high already).

I am afraid I am taking life for granted. Am I too selfish to only want to work 1 full-time job while I am healthy and able to do more?

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-24-2016, 04:02 AM
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Re: Am I Selfish?

When you say your family wants you to keep the job, work more to earn more money.. who is your family?

You are married right? Is it your husband?

Is it your mother & father?

Is there enough money to pay the bills and put some in savings without the extra money?

If you are already working 40 hours a week and the extra $800 is not absolutely needed, do not work more hours. There is no reason to kill yourself.

You say that the new job makes you feel alive. So I assume you are working the new job. Are you also working the old job?

How many hours a weeks is the old job right now?

How many hours a week is the new job?

How many hours a week will the old job be if you stay there and work on weekends for the extra $800.

And how much will the $800 increase your income taxes. You will not be taking $800 extra home after taxes.
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-24-2016, 09:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I Selfish?

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
When you say your family wants you to keep the job, work more to earn more money.. who is your family?

You are married right? Is it your husband?

Is it your mother & father?

Is there enough money to pay the bills and put some in savings without the extra money?

If you are already working 40 hours a week and the extra $800 is not absolutely needed, do not work more hours. There is no reason to kill yourself.

You say that the new job makes you feel alive. So I assume you are working the new job. Are you also working the old job?

How many hours a weeks is the old job right now?

How many hours a week is the new job?

How many hours a week will the old job be if you stay there and work on weekends for the extra $800.

And how much will the $800 increase your income taxes. You will not be taking $800 extra home after taxes.
I am married. My parents and parents in law do not want me to quit the old job. Sometimes I feel tired that both parents are too involved with my personal life, but I cannot change it without causing conflict and possible regret. I work 40 hours/week at the new job and 13-15 hours/week at the old job. I will not be taking $800 extra home after taxes, but it is still helpful to have extra money. My husband has debt from making a poor choice in his 20's. He does not make enough money. We are both relying mostly on my income.

My husband and I have very old cars. I am sure we will need to buy a new one soon. Our parents want me to continue to work to put extra money away for it too. I know our parents are right, but I do not like to be stressed out at work.

Thank you Elegirl for taking the time to answer me.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-25-2016, 11:21 AM
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Re: Am I Selfish?

I'm confused. Are you going to be working 2 days each month ("...but work 2 days/month in the weekend for $800") or two days every weekend ("...and 13-15 hours/week at the old job")?

Because if it's only one weekend per month, I'd take it.
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-25-2016, 06:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I Selfish?

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I'm confused. Are you going to be working 2 days each month ("...but work 2 days/month in the weekend for $800") or two days every weekend ("...and 13-15 hours/week at the old job")?

Because if it's only one weekend per month, I'd take it.
I work 2 extra days in the weekend per month, but I can only do 1 day per weekend. Basically, I work 2 Saturdays/month and have 2 full weekends + 2 Sundays off/month. It's not that bad, but I tend to be exhausted and sometimes stressed out on the Sunday following my working Sat.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-25-2016, 07:16 PM
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Re: Am I Selfish?

Are you budgeting the household finances so that you reduce or eliminate all unnecessary expenses? If you are working long hours but eating out often, you are not making any progress. Is the extra $800/month (less than $580/month after taxes) being specifically set aside to reduce a debt or save for needed item? You might be able to work the extra days if you know when the stopping time will be, for example once the debt is paid if not too large.

Why is you husband not working to get a better paying job or also working extra hours or a second job to help out?

No you are NOT being selfish. Working in a stressful job is no way to live.

You and his parents should not be involved in your money decisions (unless they are continually lending/giving you money, in which case it becomes their business too. )

What is your husband doing to help out with the workload at home (chores, cleaning, shopping, kids etc) He should be putting in another 16 hours/month if not watching the kids while you work weekends. And even if he is watching the kids, he can still be cleaning, cooking, etc.

If you want some tips on budgeting etc, PM me. I am not an accountant but I know some things that may help and can provide some information sources.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-25-2016, 08:44 PM
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Re: Am I Selfish?

Along the same lines as what blueinbr said, have you ever read Dave Ramsey's books?

Dave Ramsey Homepage - daveramsey.com

After understanding is materials, you will be able to set up a budget and live on way less so you don't need to work those weekends.

It could also help your husband pay down his debts quicker.

We started using Dave Ramsey's system 1 1/2 year ago, because my husband took about a 1/3 pay cut, and we weren't sure if we were going to be able to pay all our bills. Not only have we been able to keep up with regular bills, but we have paid about $12,000 in debt! We have about $18,000 to go, and are very excited to be tackling it so quickly.

You are not being selfish not wanting to give up two weekends. You already work hard, and if you need time to decompress, you need to. How many hours a week does your husband work? Does he do all the domestic work while you are gone at your job?

It is nice that you respect your parents. They have wisdom in their years. Definitely listen to them, but do not do what they say if after careful consideration you realize you don't want to do it. You are an adult now, with the ability to evaluate all the facts and make in intelligent, responsible decision on your own.
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-26-2016, 05:44 AM
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Re: Am I Selfish?

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Originally Posted by IMFarAboveRubies View Post
have you ever read Dave Ramsey's books?
OP, This^^^^ is the resource I would have recommended to you in a PM. Dave has a listener call-in radio talk show every afternoon. I listen to it on the commute home. Check his website for times to listen. He has a good book that will be a very good start.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-26-2016, 07:02 AM
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Re: Am I Selfish?

Warning, I haven't read the whole post.

My wife worked for years in the fast food industry. It was brutal. We developed some stress removal techniques that I now understand were very unnatural for her. The hours were bad, the stress was unrelenting, the Management was manipulative, eventually she stayed long enough that they couldn't afford her and they manufactured cause to fire her.

Now she works with people she likes, bosses that appreciate her, and too many hours in a night shift. There is a transition in the works and one other scheduling problem that are leading to weekend work. None of this is her fault. but the result is we don't sleep together. Sometimes for 12 days in a row. This is leading to disconnection in the marriage (28 years). Now it is a short term problem and we will get through it. But yesterday when we shared lunch, she told me that the transition period may end 2 weeks early. I just about turned cartwheels. The new schedule will be 3 twelve hour days per week. Leading to long weekends every week, and sleeping together every night.

I don't know how you are holding a young marriage together working every weekend to pay off his debt. I agree that $800 / month makes a nice car payment. but your work schedule is costing you emotionally in love units that will wreck the average marriage.

My pithy advice. Tell your parents and his parents that while you appreciate the benefit of their experience you will now make decisions as a couple not as a committee. Tell your ex boss that there is a reason you don't work there full time, and that in the interest of your sanity and life you will not be coming back full time. Her management has led to this situation and her management hasn't changed. Explain to everyone that your marriage needs re-connection on a regular basis and their schedules will have to accommodate that if they want a happy, healthy wife / daughter / daughter-in-law / employee. Working yourself into a breakdown / illness will not help your financial problems.
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 08:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I Selfish?

Thank you everyone for your wise advice. I am starting on the website Real Debt Help - Get out of debt with Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover Plan - daveramsey.com. I will try my best to reduce living expenses and live a happy life!

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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-01-2016, 12:23 AM
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Re: Am I Selfish?

Ok, Kitty, you do realize that doing Dave Ramsey has to be a joint effort, right? I've known couples who have tried his approach only to end up frustrated when one party of the couple fails to live up to the concept. Such great effort by one member of a couple offset by the lack of effort by the other will leave you feeling completely disenchanted and depressed at your wasted effort.

I don't say this from my personal experience but from my own wife who also had that happen to her with her first husband. She worked and worked following Dave Ramsey's principles and thought that real headway was being made until she found out that her husband had taken out a second mortgage on the house without her knowledge, taken a second loan on his vehicle, hid a boat-load of back taxes to the IRS from her, and on and on it went. All the money she was saving was being blown by him on stuff she was totally unaware about. She was plugging a hole in the sinking ship while he was drilling new ones faster than she could plug them.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 06:17 AM
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Re: Am I Selfish?

All good advise above.....the one thing I would ask is what's stopping you and your husband from continuing the search for better employment? You said "he doesn't make much and you accepted a lower paying job to escape work stress", in my opinion you need to follow the advise given to you by other posters but you and your husband both need to be actively looking for better jobs.
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 10:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I Selfish?

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All good advise above.....the one thing I would ask is what's stopping you and your husband from continuing the search for better employment? You said "he doesn't make much and you accepted a lower paying job to escape work stress", in my opinion you need to follow the advise given to you by other posters but you and your husband both need to be actively looking for better jobs.
Cooper, I make 7k less than my previous job, but the quality of life is much better. In the current economy, I am blessed to be employed. My current full-time job is a desk-job with nice hours. The working environment is healthy. I have to take certain risks, but it's worth it. I am able to exercise almost daily after I get off work. I can go to sleep on my own without taking any sleep medication .
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 11:24 AM
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Re: Am I Selfish?

Two days a month for $800? Seems like a small sacrifice to make for your family, especially since you willingly took a lower paying job and you have no idea what the future might bring in the way of expenses. It's also handy to keep one foot in the old job in case this new one disappears. If you had to, you could return to full time status at your previous job and your family keeps eating. Were you planning on doing something else with those two days a month that would give your family 800 scooters a month plus the security of a second job? Watching TV and playing golf don't very well. I'd be all over that part time job like a chicken on a June bug and might even try to get them to let me work two weekends a month.
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 04:54 PM
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Re: Am I Selfish?

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Cooper, I make 7k less than my previous job, but the quality of life is much better. In the current economy, I am blessed to be employed. My current full-time job is a desk-job with nice hours. The working environment is healthy. I have to take certain risks, but it's worth it. I am able to exercise almost daily after I get off work. I can go to sleep on my own without taking any sleep medication .
OK, that's all well and good, but still doesn't negate my advise. If you and your husband earn enough to live the lifestyle you want but are just over spending due to poor budgeting that's one thing, but I got the impression that money was tight due to what you two collective earn. The only way to fix that is to constantly be exploring ways to increase your income, a better job, a side business, a better education, etc., you can never relax on the quest until you are earning what you want.

And to answer your original question...I want not give up the $800 dollars a month until you found a way to replace that income, and honestly maybe not even then.

I'm not trying to beat you up for taking a lower paying job to live a healthy and happier life, hell I admire you for having the courage to do that, I'm just trying to get you to understand that you can't just settle into that and think this is what we have to live on for the rest of our life, work at a plan, don't just plan to work.
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