Challenges of merging established lives and households....? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #16 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 11:06 AM Thread Starter
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The sad thing is our current arrangement is what was decided on before we got married.... Now she wants to change it. I agree 100% if your married your all in and should be working together as a unit/couple etc. For me this is my second marriage (was married for 7 years and single for 10) and never thought I would ever get married again. She was married for 7 years as well and single for 1.5 years.... My feeling on the semantics of marital assets and if I pay into the mortgage etc... quiet honestly all of it turns into a bargaining chip at the divorce table (let's face it... honestly). Myself, I'm as happy with $50 in the bank as I am with $50,000, money is a necessary evil in life and some are more in love with it than others. Regarding what was said..... finding someone to do the things I do for her business. She tried that this summer, she went through 4 people in 5 weeks and gave up. I kept my mouth shut..... But yet she says "I don't need you and can do it all on my own" In her eyes.... everyone is disposable. (Some of her true colors have come out)
Is it likely that either one of us will sell our homes and consolidate to one.... never going to happen. I have zero reason to do so and no way in hell would she even consider it. (We have had this discussion). On top of everything I have will not fit at her place, hence the reasoning why I made the offer to build all of the infrastructure at my place she would need to conduct her business. Quiet frankly I pitched a plan at her to get her home paid off in 5 years.... she told me I was nuts and didn't know what I was talking about. Anyone here can do the math.... you owe 200k, and given the net income of the part time business times 5 years the house is paid for with a buffer. From my viewpoint once the mortgage is paid life is pretty easy given both persons incomes. I have kept my stance on not paying 1/2 of her mortgage..... the feedback from her has not been good, and she refuses to see things any other way. The sad fact a couple of her family members have said "things are a little different the second time around" and they have also said "you made the decision to keep it". In the end what I do never seems to be enough.... and my business has suffered because of the amount of time I dedicate to her part time business. I'm all in..... but at what point do you stand your ground and say what you are giving is it and that's all your getting and not try and come off as being an *******.

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post #17 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-01-2016, 03:39 AM
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Re: Challenges of merging established lives and households....?

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The sad thing is our current arrangement is what was decided on before we got married.... Now she wants to change it.

I agree 100% if your married your all in and should be working together as a unit/couple etc.

she says "I don't need you and can do it all on my own"

I'm all in.....
Bob, you may be "all in" but from your own quotes it seems that she definitely is not. These issues are what I'd call "deal-breakers" and should have been fully addressed before you married.

If you cannot come to terms with them (and I don't know that you should), then you need to cut bait and move on with your life. Things will only get worse for you if you don't.

I completely agree that you should be 100% "all in" as you say. We have been married for nearly 10 years (second marriage for both of us), and second marriages are very difficult to blend. It took approximately 5 years before we felt fully blended and totally committed in all things to each other, the kids and our marriage.

In our case, we kept both homes (and still have both). Hers we rent out and live in the one I had. She is a medical professional and I am a self-employed business professional. She worked for a while after we married but we decided it best that she stay home to be with our 5 kids (her 3 and my 2) less than a year after we married.

We don't split anything (and never have). I fully support her 3 children as if they were my own flesh and blood. We pay for all our kids' college tuition (currently 2 of hers and 1 of mine) with none of the mine or yours separation of costs or fees (she did bring liquid assets into the marriage from inheritance). All assets are fully co-mingled and wills are set with each of us inheriting 100% of the others share and all 5 kids receiving equal shares after us.

I've been blessed to earn a 7-figure net income working mainly from home and have never felt a need to count costs. I think it would have destroyed our marriage if done any other way. You have to be "all in" especially in second marriages...or why the hell get married?
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post #18 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-02-2016, 02:10 AM
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Re: Challenges of merging established lives and households....?

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.....................

In our case, we kept both homes (and still have both). Hers we rent out and live in the one I had. She is a medical professional and I am a self-employed business professional. She worked for a while after we married but we decided it best that she stay home to be with our 5 kids (her 3 and my 2) less than a year after we married.

We don't split anything (and never have). I fully support her 3 children as if they were my own flesh and blood. We pay for all our kids' college tuition (currently 2 of hers and 1 of mine) with none of the mine or yours separation of costs or fees (she did bring liquid assets into the marriage from inheritance). All assets are fully co-mingled and wills are set with each of us inheriting 100% of the others share and all 5 kids receiving equal shares after us.

I've been blessed to earn a 7-figure net income working mainly from home and have never felt a need to count costs. I think it would have destroyed our marriage if done any other way. You have to be "all in" especially in second marriages...or why the hell get married?
This can backfire and happens (one of the posters here is living proof and I know of a few similar cases).
If you die first your wife then gets 100% of the Estate, let's say she remarries (or even if she doesn't) she can change her Will to only include her bio kids. It happens and it is not good, it is very hard to do anything about because as the surviving Spouse they were Willed the full Estate, it becomes theirs to do with as they wish.

In our case all our respective kids are to inherit their bio parents Estates that were built up before we entered our relationship.
Then when we build a joined Estate this will go 50% to our partner and 50% to be divided up to our bio children. Everyone is covered this way.
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post #19 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-02-2016, 03:46 AM
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Re: Challenges of merging established lives and households....?

That's what trusts are for. We have ours set up with specific amounts to each of our five kids. The house and personal estate go to each of us parents. Life insurance is set to cover any estate issues with the remainder going into trusts with an independent executor from either myself or my wife.

We did it not for protection against each other but as protection for the kids from their greedy other parents (both our exes). A good estate attorney is very inexpensive compared to the issues post-death. It's well worth the cost. I know because we've dealt with it on one of our parents who died basically intestate and left a real mess for us to clean up (still dealing with court issues later this month over some of it).
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post #20 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-02-2016, 03:59 AM
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Re: Challenges of merging established lives and households....?

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This can backfire and happens (one of the posters here is living proof and I know of a few similar cases).
If you die first your wife then gets 100% of the Estate, let's say she remarries (or even if she doesn't) she can change her Will to only include her bio kids. It happens and it is not good, it is very hard to do anything about because as the surviving Spouse they were Willed the full Estate, it becomes theirs to do with as they wish.
But, thanks for bringing that up, because you are exactly right. I was quite vague and unclear in my post. I could spend a really long time talking about the intricacies of estate planning (not because I'm an attorney but because I've taken some good legal counsel).
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post #21 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-02-2016, 04:16 AM
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Re: Challenges of merging established lives and households....?

All good AP, your set up makes sense. We also have independent Executors, mine being one of my Brothers who is also my Solicitor.

It might sounds jaded but truly I'm not, just a realist and also looking for the least possible amount of drama for my kids. My family has a very strong history of inheritance and it is very important to me.

Have you considered what will happen should you choose to divest pre death? This is something that I have been blessed with the benefit from my parents and something I will do with my own children.
We live in Aussie, so far no death or gift taxes so either way divesting or post death willing are tax free. The big problem here is the huge cost of housing, an average house in our city is $700k minimum. I plan on divesting wealth to my kids when they are mid to late 20's but I would not do so for my Step Kids. This is one of the big reasons we chose to not co mingle pre existing assets.

One thing I do not agree with though is the notion that there is no point in getting married if you don't co mingle assets. Mr H and I very much separate money and emotion, we are together for love and a great life, not money.
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post #22 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-02-2016, 04:19 AM
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Re: Challenges of merging established lives and households....?

Oh and as for greedy ex's, yes a big consideration. Mr H's ex has serious (medically diagnosed)mental health issues and I do not want her ever being able to have any claim to one cent of my kids money.
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post #23 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-02-2016, 04:44 AM
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Re: Challenges of merging established lives and households....?

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One thing I do not agree with though is the notion that there is no point in getting married if you don't co mingle assets. Mr H and I very much separate money and emotion, we are together for love and a great life, not money.
I don't think that my point was well written. That's not really what I meant. It just sounds like Bob is much more into his marriage than his wife. I mean, really, some of the things that she said per his words just sound so cold and heartless. You can definitely live quite happily keeping separate estates. But, you cannot live happily when one wants to live "all in" as he said and the other at the complete opposite extreme.

She sounds like she is controlling and has a foot halfway out the door unless he does exactly as she says. He's doing his darn best to try to make things work and she is unwielding to compromise and sounds very selfish. My point about that is that why get married if you don't intend to work together as a couple cohesively and lovingly.

I just know from our personalities, that my wife and I work very well keeping all of our assets together. She doesn't even ask me about investments. When we have our quarterly advisory meeting she just tells our advisor that whatever I say is alright with her. But, I definitely keep her in the loop on all our financial affairs just because I think that she needs to know.

Sorry to "threadjack" Bob. Hope things go alright for you.
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