The sad thing is our current arrangement is what was decided on before we got married.... Now she wants to change it.
I agree 100% if your married your all in and should be working together as a unit/couple etc.
she says "I don't need you and can do it all on my own"
I'm all in.....
Bob, you may be "all in" but from your own quotes it seems that she definitely is not. These issues are what I'd call "deal-breakers" and should have been fully addressed before you married.
If you cannot come to terms with them (and I don't know that you should), then you need to cut bait and move on with your life. Things will only get worse for you if you don't.
I completely agree that you should be 100% "all in" as you say. We have been married for nearly 10 years (second marriage for both of us), and second marriages are very difficult to blend. It took approximately 5 years before we felt fully blended and totally committed in all things to each other, the kids and our marriage.
In our case, we kept both homes (and still have both). Hers we rent out and live in the one I had. She is a medical professional and I am a self-employed business professional. She worked for a while after we married but we decided it best that she stay home to be with our 5 kids (her 3 and my 2) less than a year after we married.
We don't split anything (and never have). I fully support her 3 children as if they were my own flesh and blood. We pay for all our kids' college tuition (currently 2 of hers and 1 of mine) with none of the mine or yours separation of costs or fees (she did bring liquid assets into the marriage from inheritance). All assets are fully co-mingled and wills are set with each of us inheriting 100% of the others share and all 5 kids receiving equal shares after us.
I've been blessed to earn a 7-figure net income working mainly from home and have never felt a need to count costs. I think it would have destroyed our marriage if done any other way. You have to be "all in" especially in second marriages...or why the hell get married?