Hiding Money? - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 02-01-2016, 12:58 AM Thread Starter
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Hiding Money?

My fiance and I have been together for almost twelve years. We have a combined bank account and pretty much share everything. About a year ago he started hiding all the tips he got from work (by hiding I mean physically hiding it so neither of us would spend it). He went from having a couple hundred dollars hidden away to several thousand dollars, which I just found out. For the past year he's been spending our combined money from our bank to buy side projects, such as cars, which he puts money into and then sells for profit. One of the cars was a car we got from his aunt, who no longer needed it. The plan was to sell it and use the money to buy our children some things they need. I've been waiting for months now for him to finish fixing the car so we could do this. Tonight I asked him about it and he confessed he 'sold' it a few months back. But, here is the thing: He 'sold' it to a guy who is very shady. This guy is always borrowing money from people, us included, and never paying it back! We were going to sell the car for $3,500 but apparently he made a deal with this guy and dropped it to $2,500. Not only that, the guy has only paid $500 so far, but he's been driving it around for months, and I had no idea. So not only will we never get this money now, because the guy is known for using people, but the $500 he did get, he hid with the rest of 'his' money. (He is trying to save up to dump money into a muscle car that we cannot even afford to have).

I am angry that he lied. Angry that he's selfish enough to keep the money for himself. Angry that the plans we had for that money will have to wait, again. Angry that once again this guy is taking advantage of us. And his excuse for lying to me? "I knew you would freak out. Have fun freaking out!"

Do I have a right to be this upset?

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 02-05-2016, 01:22 PM
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Re: Hiding Money?

Ateam,

When you said he started hiding all the tips from work, were you aware of this and it was a planned thing by the both of you to save money?

This doesn't sound good to me and he should be including you on these decisions when he sells the cars, etc. especially if you had a plan TOGETHER with him on how this was going to be handled, and then he went ahead and did something else without giving you a "heads up" first. Who does the finances in your house? Is it him or both of you?

Time to sit down and discuss how you are handling your finances and whether or not he can afford his muscle car. You guys have been together for 12 years...there should be no hidden agendas with finances.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 02-13-2016, 04:10 AM
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Re: Hiding Money?

I agree with @bluezone

And to extrapolate from there:

If you've been sharing finances as a general rule, then it's not okay for one person to just go ahead and make major decisions about money by themselves. So when he started hiding his tips away, he either should have told you "I want to keep my tips for myself" (and opened the subject for discussion), or you should have decided together what that savings was for. It's not okay for him to decide by himself that it's for a muscle car, especially because that's not a one-time cost; it's going to cost money to have the car after you've bought it!

If you both contribute income to a joint account, then it's also not fair for him to have personal money if you don't. My husband and I solve this by using a joint account but taking out equal allowances in cash every month. We can spend or save our allowances however we want. We never use the debit card for anything unless we're both aware it's happening (we run a pretty tight budget and move money to savings immediately, so there's never extra money in there and a payment might bounce if we did). We do sometimes use the credit card when we shouldn't, but not for anything big and usually it's just us eating out somewhere together. I can't imagine either of us spending over $80 without running it by the other first. It just wouldn't happen.

The whole situation is unthinkable to me! I think you guys need a good solid talk about finances and how you can make things fair for both of you and realistic for your lifestyle. I'm not saying you need to set things up like my husband and I do, but you do need to get on the same page with each other.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 02-14-2016, 06:56 AM
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Re: Hiding Money?

I never understood private money between couples. Not that I think it's wrong as long as they are on the same page.

I don't fully appreciate your situation but if he's your fiancé is it possible he doesn't view monies as fully shared yet?

My former wife and I were pretty transparent on these matters.
I always knew where to find her money: United Airlines, Nordstroms, REI, Burberry.
I always hid mine at: Total Wine and More.

Happy Valentine's Day.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 02-17-2016, 04:03 PM
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I don't necessarily "hide" money but I don't tell my H the exact amount of what my paychecks are. We share a bank account so obviously he can go see how much I make. He has a spending problem to where he will put money into his car before paying the electric bill. I try to stash away my tips in what I call an "oh sh*t" fund for when something comes up and we need money. He knows I stash the money but he doesn't know how much. I don't understand why he would hide money from you if you guys need the money for important things. Have you brought it to his attention that you NEED money for certain necessities? How does he act? Does he blow it off or offer some of his money? When we went through this issue a year ago I just stopped handling everything and made him do it so he could realize how much money goes into everything and that every cent helps. We now have a monthly budget that we follow to a T and that helps a lot, have you tried making a visual budget for him to look over?
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