Feeling financially used by wife. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

User Tag List

 84Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 10:59 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 43
Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NewBoundariesMan View Post
@FascinatingLady
I'm not trying to make up for the tax difference. I don't care about that.

The way I feel is she is paying less than if we filed separately but then goes and buys a new outfit for $200 (example). I feel like if she had the extra money she should have helped out more with the tax bill.

It's like she puts in the minimum then it's up to me to deal with everything else.
Obviously she won't be able to buy shoes if she pays as per your requirements. Would you expect her to dress in GoodWill because she makes 7 times less? Seems to me the topic is not about money, it's about gaining more control over the wife.

BeautyBeast is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 11:05 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,701
Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

New,

You've got a very strong point; she didn't put aside money for taxes and it cost you $5k!

You have a very weak point; she paid $155 for shoes.

Don't mention both in the same discussion, she'll focus on your weak argument, painting you as a cheapskate, and ignore the important thing (the tax situation).

The taxes are the big issue here. Only focus on that.

Last edited by Buddy400; 03-23-2016 at 11:10 AM.
Buddy400 is offline  
post #18 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 11:17 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 43
Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buddy400 View Post
New,

You've got a very strong point; she didn't put aside money for taxes and it cost you $5k!

You have a very weak point; she paid $155 for shoes.

Don't mention both in the same discussion, she'll focus on your weak argument, painting you as a cheapskate, and ignore the important thing (the tax situation).

The taxes are the big issue here. Only focus on that.
I agree with Buddy400. You are correct expecting her to be responsible with her taxes but your complaining about shoes seems miserable and builds some compassion to her.
BeautyBeast is offline  
 
post #19 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 11:22 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 47
Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

Let me summarize my frustration:

My employer takes out taxes. I was short about 2k this year so I have to pay that.

My wife doesn't pay taxes during the year. Her bill this year is about 5k.

According to our 1/8th her 7/8th me rule, I now have to pay about 6k and she pays about 1k.

Why? because she chose not to set aside money during the year for taxes. Hence the title of the thread.

Am I off by thinking this is not fair?
If not how to hold her accountable?
NewBoundariesMan is offline  
post #20 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 11:24 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 47
Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

@BeautyBeast and @Buddy400

Thanks for the feedback.
I tried to use the shoes as an example of her spending instead of saving up. I'll drop that.
NewBoundariesMan is offline  
post #21 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 11:34 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,066
Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

NewBMan, you have every right to be upset. I dealt with the same issues in my marriage. I made more than my ex and never expected anything from her (my bad!) as far as paying the bills. I paid all of the household bills - mortgage, second, utilities, insurance, phone, internet, cell service and TV. In addition, I paid for our daughters education and paid my step son's insurance and cell phone bills throughout college. I learned early on not to bother asking her for any money if I thought I was going to be short. Anytime I did, I was told how she was pretty short herself and didn't have any to give. Towards the end, she had bought a brand new car and she paid it off in a year. I didn't mind since she had promised that we would do the same for me once hers was paid off. Of course, it was right around that time that she decided she didn't want to be married anymore. So that plan went out the window along with everything else.
Bottom line is you need to set boundaries and enforce them. I now know, that that was something I should have been doing all along. Instead I got taken to the cleaners because I thought I was doing the right things. In the meantime she was p1ssing away her $55k salary on new clothes, trips with her girl friends and other frivolities. She even blew the $4000 she was supposed to be saving for our daughters wedding.
You have every right to be concerned. You have an unbalanced arrangement and it is not fair that she should expect you to just take care of it.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
Ynot is offline  
post #22 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 11:41 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 265
Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

$155 isn't a lot for a pair of shoes. Especially not fashion-oriented shoes. Designer heels can cost $400- 600 easy, so she's not shopping 5th avenue. Talking about comfortable, lol. You don't get it.

I can see her needing to put back money for taxes so that you aren't hit with a large amount due during tax season. But you are really being tit for tat with her. She's working. She's paying some bills. You're the man. Be a man. If you wanted a financial equal to pull half the weight, it sounds like you married the wrong person. Unless she's working/earning way under her potential, I think you're being stingy. Maybe I'm old school, but whatever I make is ours and vice versa. We make financial decisions together. As a man you put your family first and don't keep tabs by making sure there's absolute fairness in the distribution. 7/8th rule is the lamest, most unattractive thing I've ever heard in my life.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
rich84 is offline  
post #23 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 11:44 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,309
Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NewBoundariesMan View Post
Let me summarize my frustration:

My employer takes out taxes. I was short about 2k this year so I have to pay that.

My wife doesn't pay taxes during the year. Her bill this year is about 5k.

According to our 1/8th her 7/8th me rule, I now have to pay about 6k and she pays about 1k.

Why? because she chose not to set aside money during the year for taxes. Hence the title of the thread.

Am I off by thinking this is not fair?
If not how to hold her accountable?
Use this year's tax filing and estimate your combined yearly income for next year.

Determine what you need to withhold from YOUR check each pay period to cover those taxes.

Either adjust your with holdings with HR to cover it, or put the money aside yourself.

If her income is not automatically taxed

AND

she has no means to have automatic deductions taken out of her pay (I assume she's making a lot of tips she has to claim)

AND

you know she's bad with money and wouldn't do well with a private savings account for the taxes

Why set her up to fail? You do the taxes, you take over making sure they are done correctly. That includes estimating and making sure with holdings are correct.

We don't do separate finances. But - ask her to pay a slightly larger share of something if you must to make up for the difference that you are withholding to account for her taxes thru the year.
kag123 is offline  
post #24 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 11:50 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 265
Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NewBoundariesMan View Post
Thanks for the response guys.

By mine and hers I meant bills that we are each responsible to be on top of not necessarily pay. If it's "her bill" and she has the money then she pays, but if she doesn't have the money then she has to let me know when it's due so I can pay. This gives me a break from being on top of everything all the time.

I don't mind the price of the shoes. She works so she can buy whatever she wants. The problem I have is I pay for her brakes $140 hoping she'll save $6500 for this years roth but then she shows up the next month with $155 pair of shoes.

If she has the money why didn't she pay? I could have used that $140 for something else. Instead of implicitly buying a pair of shoes.

Unless you have discussed it and come to an agreement, you are holding a covert contract with her. She doesn't share your financial values. You must explicitly agree to something before you can hold her accountable. Paying for brakes and then hoping she puts money into a roth and then getting upset when she doesn't - does that sound logical?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
rich84 is offline  
post #25 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 12:02 PM
Member
 
BetrayedDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 3,098
Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

OP you better learn quick that half your paycheck is her paycheck.

Sorry bud, your married now. You think $155 for shoes is bad?

See how much you spend if you try divorcing this woman. If I were you, I'd keep my mouth shut.

You're being a little ridiculous.... So she sucks with money? Most people do.

I'd hardly call her a maniacal spendoholic the way you describe her.

I'm guessing she works so she doesn't have to deal with your frugalness and asking for money.

Consider her earned income an "allowance" and let it go. You'll be far better off. 1/8th is peanuts.


“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
BetrayedDad is online now  
post #26 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 12:31 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 181
Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

Your big issue here is the taxes. The big discussion should be about that. Now at tax time is the time to have it. If you can't do an auto draft into a savings account each payday, then it must be done manually and x amount put into savings each payday to cover that 10%. It's much easier to make small deposits all year Instead of coming up with a lump sum at year end. If she had any other job, that money would be coming out automatically.
NWCooper is offline  
post #27 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 12:33 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,026
Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

My opinion, what she is paying seems about right with the huge income disparity.

What is not right is her not paying any taxes. In the grand scheme of things it makes no difference but it would make things seem more 'fair' to you. I'd acquire the quarterly tax payment forms fro the IRS and fill them out for her. On each due date hand her the form and ask for a check. If she doesn't have the bucks have ask her why she feels she does not need to pay her taxes like 150 million or so other americans? Depending on the answer a big argument may ensue, or not.

I'd base the amount on the lower tax brackets, you need to suck up the bigger amount which is due to filing jointly married because you have the income.
anonmd is online now  
post #28 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 01:07 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,066
Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

It seems that so many are fixated on the cost of a pair of shoes. In case you missed it - the OP paid $5000 in extra taxes (in addition to more in the form of brakes, car repairs etc, etc) because she didn't have the money because she had spent it on a bunch of frivolous things. The OP has every right to feel he was abused in this situation. But yeah, he should STHU because she could've wasted a lot more.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
Ynot is offline  
post #29 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 02:00 PM
Member
 
BetrayedDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 3,098
Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

Why shouldn't he spend it on her? Car repairs, brakes and even taxes are really not something he should be crying about. Hardly frivolous costs. His disposable income is way higher than hers and it's his damn wife. I assume he loves this woman so a FUNCTIONAL vehicle would be better than carting her around...

Now if she was blowing money on vacations, spas, and expensive clothing. He might have a legit gripe. The best he could come up with is $155 shoes that are apparently WORK RELATED because she STANDS ALL DAY. He hasn't come up with ONE single expense that seems utterly wasteful.

Let's assume she's a lousy hair dresser and only makes $30k a year. That means he makes $210k a year. Yet he expects her to pay for ALL her own expenses. Who can live on that, even without paying the mortgage, which I'm guessing is under his name only and he would be paying anyway because he lives there? This is best case scenario and the income disparity is only worse the more the wife makes based on his 7:1 ratio.

This guy is ridiculous and you know it. He treats his spouse like a roommate. Most spouses with this much income disparity wouldn't even bother working. OP keep your mouth shut if you want a happy marriage. You can't take it with you dude. You really just come off as an absurd penny pincher.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

Last edited by BetrayedDad; 03-23-2016 at 02:20 PM.
BetrayedDad is online now  
post #30 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 02:41 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,066
Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

That's right! Just STHU! Who are you to ask that your wife pay her own way! You signed the paper, now you are obligated to bend over and take it, however she wants you to! If she wants to spend all of her money and not save for her taxes, that is on you, since you signed the papers! Never forget once you sign the papers your life is over and you only live to serve her! Now stop your whining and get to work! Your wife might need something! Heck, get off the computer for that matter! Why are you taking time away from your servile duties by coming here and complaining!

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
Ynot is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Long, but please read, im so lost JCI20 General Relationship Discussion 15 05-31-2016 12:49 AM
Wife dropped a small bomb on me last night breathedeep General Relationship Discussion 623 04-02-2016 04:51 PM
Wife Denies Marriage problems even after caught sexting- bit of clarity? CHGUY Coping with Infidelity 30 02-02-2016 11:45 AM
I need help getting my wife to move past my cheating kylo Coping with Infidelity 32 01-12-2016 04:18 AM
What to do? Ray83 Sex in Marriage 32 12-31-2015 09:44 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome