Feeling financially used by wife. - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #31 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 02:54 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

@Ynot

His wife is NOTHING like your ex-wife.

Stop projecting.....


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post #32 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 03:03 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
@Ynot

His wife is NOTHING like your ex-wife.

Stop projecting.....
Who is projecting? The OPs wife cost him money that he could have spent on something else because she wouldn't save any of her own money to pay her own taxes. That isn't projection, that is a fact. For all we know his wife might have worked a lot more had she not had some one funding the rest of her life for her and she probably would have made sure she had money put back to pay her own taxes. Instead she went out an spent it all. Stop being a doormat!

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post #33 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 03:07 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

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Who is projecting? The OPs wife cost him money that he could have spent on something else because she wouldn't save any of her own money to pay her own taxes. That isn't projection, that is a fact. For all we know his wife might have worked a lot more had she not had some one funding the rest of her life for her and she probably would have made sure she had money put back to pay her own taxes. Instead she went out an spent it all. Stop being a doormat!
So for you....

$5k tax bill from working, $155 shoes for working and let's say $2k for car repairs and brakes driving to and from work = $7,155 for work related expenses

Is as frivolous as:

$55k in expensive clothes and trips with the girls plus $4,000 daughter's wedding money squandered = $59,000 spent screwing you over plus attorney's fees for the divorce

Give me a break.

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post #34 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 03:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

@Ynot
Wow sorry you had to go through that.

Your story really resonates with me and I'm trying to unbind myself from the mess that I've made with her expecting me to do all of this. I mentioned shoes and taxes but that's just the tip of the iceberg. The real story is more like what you wrote.

For example, last month it was $800 groceries + $400 going out to eat. It's just us 2!
When I bring it up she blamed it on the different brand of cat food I switched too.

When I put my foot down she goes out to eat by herself with "her" money. while I eat a sandwich because I know we already blew past the going out to eat budget for the month.

And sometimes a man just wants to stay home and eat a sandwich you know? The hell with that new place everyone tells her is soo great.
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post #35 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 03:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

@rich84
I have actually explicitly told her I'll pay for X because I want you to hit that savings goal.

I'm at my wits end. I am grasping at straws with this 7/8th thing but what do you suggest?

I completely agree with your be the man comment. But shouldn't a man teach responsibility and accountability?
I want her to be accountable and appreciate my support more by hitting her savings goal.
But instead It's expense after expense after expense and when ever I put my foot down it's an argument about how cheap I am.
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post #36 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 03:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

@kag123

Excellent advise thank you!

It's going to suck asking her for a monthly check for me to put into a "tax" savings account for her though.
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post #37 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 03:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

@BetrayedDad

I didn't want to put everything up here and sound like a complainer so I just used a small example and I come off as a complainer anyway : )

spas - check
clothing - check (don't know if it's expensive - $200 is really the limit for any 1 item)
vacations not that expensive as I can actually disagree and she can't go to the mall while I'm at work and pick up a vacation behind my back.

Here are my priorities
pay bills
pay taxes
save for retirement
THEN buy yourself an elephant if you want.

Hers aren't actually the opposite but she's more care free about how she goes about it. How to make them align more?
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post #38 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 03:21 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
So for you....

$5k tax bill from working, $155 shoes for working and let's say $2k for car repairs and brakes driving to and from work = $7,155 for work related expenses

Is as frivolous as:

$55k in expensive clothes and trips with the girls plus $4,000 daughter's wedding money squandered = $59,000 spent screwing you over plus attorney's fees for the divorce

Give me a break.
Wow, talk about projecting! I was discussing the OP, but I guess you like being a doormat. I merely said I could relate to the OP based on my own experience. Apparently the OP should just STFU because you have decided the amounts don't matter. Keep being a door mat if you want. I just hope you don't get betrayed again. It wasn't your fault!

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post #39 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 03:31 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

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Wow, talk about projecting! I was discussing the OP, but I guess you like being a doormat. I merely said I could relate to the OP based on my own experience. Apparently the OP should just STFU because you have decided the amounts don't matter. Keep being a door mat if you want. I just hope you don't get betrayed again. It wasn't your fault!
You seem to trigger hard every time we post to each other so I'll leave it up to OP to decide what's reasonable. You're too blind to see any type of reason.

I guess the wife should just life live like she makes $30k a year while he gets to live like he makes $210k a year rather than they both live like they make $250k a year as a married couple.

Keep going down this path @NewBoundariesMan and you and @Ynot can both start your own thread together about how your wives raped you in your respective divorces.

You don't want to be bitter and jaded like this guy. Trust me, let it go OP. It's not worth it over a few bucks.

Good luck.

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Last edited by BetrayedDad; 03-23-2016 at 03:38 PM.
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post #40 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 03:43 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

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Originally Posted by NewBoundariesMan View Post
@BetrayedDad

I didn't want to put everything up here and sound like a complainer so I just used a small example and I come off as a complainer anyway : )

spas - check
clothing - check (don't know if it's expensive - $200 is really the limit for any 1 item)
vacations not that expensive as I can actually disagree and she can't go to the mall while I'm at work and pick up a vacation behind my back.

Here are my priorities
pay bills
pay taxes
save for retirement
THEN buy yourself an elephant if you want.

Hers aren't actually the opposite but she's more care free about how she goes about it. How to make them align more?
So, you have no hobbies and her income never helps the household?

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post #41 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 04:24 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
You seem to trigger hard every time we post to each other so I'll leave it up to OP to decide what's reasonable. You're too blind to see any type of reason.

I guess the wife should just life live like she makes $30k a year while he gets to live like he makes $210k a year rather than they both live like they make $250k a year as a married couple.

Keep going down this path @NewBoundariesMan and you and @Ynot can both start your own thread together about how your wives raped you in your respective divorces.

You don't want to be bitter and jaded like this guy. Trust me, let it go OP. It's not worth it over a few bucks.

Good luck.
Oh, pray tell, explain the reasoning. She is not contributing, but rather taking from the relationship, but that is A-Ok in your book. Maybe you need to read the OPs follow ups where he goes into more detail about the extent, rather than being fixated over the $150 shoe example given in his OP. For all you know she was working far more before she got married, but is now just skating on the effort of the OP. There is no reason to be a doormat, but keep on telling the OP that is what he should do. Oh excuse me, a cheapskate.

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post #42 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 09:26 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

Get her a Dave Ramsey book and sign her up for an appointment with a financial planner.
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post #43 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-24-2016, 09:16 AM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

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Originally Posted by NewBoundariesMan View Post
@rich84

I have actually explicitly told her I'll pay for X because I want you to hit that savings goal.



I'm at my wits end. I am grasping at straws with this 7/8th thing but what do you suggest?



I completely agree with your be the man comment. But shouldn't a man teach responsibility and accountability?

I want her to be accountable and appreciate my support more by hitting her savings goal.

But instead It's expense after expense after expense and when ever I put my foot down it's an argument about how cheap I am.

It's just a different viewpoint. I'm not saying that you're wrong. I think financial responsibility is great. But you and your wife appear to be mismatched in that your financial goals are different. She doesn't care about your savings goal for her income. She doesn't care about your 7/8 rule. She likes thinks that is silly, stingy, and unattractive. She likely sees her salary as a way to contribute enough that she doesn't feel completely imprisoned by your control over the financial picture. In her mind (and this isn't her necessarily, but just a generalization), not setting back the tax money is a minor thing considering your much higher income.

A lot of women value being provided for, even when they are capable of being independent and bringing home bank. Those women find this attractive: generosity and financial support from their mate. So, even when women have a high earning potential, they like a man to provide to the best of his ability. A lot of men take pleasure in providing for their family. I don't know if it goes back to evolutionary terms of bringing home the kill, but that's our modern equivalent.

And then there's the issue of what's mine is yours and vice versa. You treat her like a child, a dependent that you're trying to train to adult. If you take the mindset that this is a pooled income, it really doesn't matter. You're acting like taking money to pay her back taxes is somehow killing your goals, your budget, etc. It looks really selfish and self serving.

How did her parents handle their finances? That might give you some perspective. To answer your question - how can you teach her accountability and responsibility? She's not your student. She's your partner. You can influence her only and express your boundaries and the consequences of her breaching your boundaries. What are they, exactly, and what are you willing to do?


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post #44 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-24-2016, 09:19 AM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

Also "I will pay for this. You will pay for that." What about "We will buy this together. We will pay for that"? You have a roommate agreement not a marriage.


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post #45 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-24-2016, 09:33 AM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

OP, There are many ways to split the finances. You are basing it on gross income, but that is not 100% fair due to regressive nature of FICA tax etc. You could try % net income or even disposable income.

I fully agree with @Aspydad on the taxes. She is not the reason for the high tax bill (25% of the incremental amount). If you want to go to war over $2000-3000 (10% tax withholding on her income) then you have a much larger problem. At your combined household income, that is insignificant amount of money.

How can you complain or even mention the cost of fixing brakes on her car? Jeez. And yes, woman's clothing costs much more than men's. You did not really list anything that says she is excessive on spending.

You seem controlling. If the grocery bill seems high, go shopping WITH HER. It costs more than you think and not all that money is food. You probably should have married a person that makes equal to you.

Have a good talk to her about the finances and budgeting but loosen up from your (IMO unrealistic) position. Because if you keep taking this hard 1/8th, 7/8th position on the finances, then expect your wife to do the same with your sex life. Don't be surprised if she says she will handle the 1/8th sex with you and you can hand(le) the other 7/8ths yourself. Pun intended.

Last edited by blueinbr; 03-24-2016 at 09:59 AM.
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