Feeling financially used by wife. - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-22-2016, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
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Feeling financially used by wife.

It's tax time.
I make about 7 times what my wife makes.

She pays her car, gas, student loans, electric bill, and girly things.
I pay everything else.

She has a job where they don't withhold taxes. And she didn't take my advice to save 10% each check for the years taxes and she hasn't done it this year either.

Without her I pay $2200 in taxes.
When I add her income the total goes up to $7200!

I thought ok I pay 7/8th and she pays 1/8th.
I'm rethinking that now that I saw the $155 expense for shoes on her cc statement (which I thought we agreed she would never use).

I feel used.
She is implicitly forcing to pay for things I hate: $155 for a pair of shoes!!! She is a hair dresser so I understand good shoes because of all the standing but $155!?! I say implicitly because in the end I am enabling her by paying for everything. right?
(I had to rewrite the above like 20 times - I had to think really hard to figure out what was really eating me)

Another example, When we meet she had approximately 4k in credit card debt. I've helped her manage her money and in 2 years she has $0 CC debt and 13K roth ira. It's like she's taking me for granted financially.

#1- I'm thinking of doing taxes separately and making her see her old tax person. I'm hoping when she sees her $5k bill she can realize that taxes are not a joke you have to follow the rules.

#2- But in the long term I'm thinking she should pay 1/7th of all the expenses: groceries, going out to eat, car insurance etc.
I think this will make me fell less used.

What are some thoughts on how I feel, #1 and #2?


Last edited by NewBoundariesMan; 03-22-2016 at 06:26 PM.
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post #2 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-22-2016, 06:47 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

I fail to see how her car and electric bill don't come to 1/7th of the bills if the house is paid for. Just gasgas$ is over $200 a month for me plus repairs and insurance means over half my check. Then paying the electric bill is another $200. I can't even afford that with what I make, but my husband keeps insisting I pay for every project around here because he pays $480 mortgage. Plus he doesn't come home from work all week and stays in an RV so has to pay electric there.

Percentages are the fair way to figure a budget, but I am sure she has the right to decide how much to spend on shoes considering she is working. No, you are not enabling that by paying for other things. She pays the electric bill and so deserves credit for that. Also consider what she is paying for the car is no way 1/7 of what you pay for yours unless you are way out of line on your car payment. To make it fair, you would have to pay 7/8 of her car and she would pay 1/8 of yours. Going out to eat is not an expense, that is a luxury. Take her out less and let her know if she wants to go out more, she can take you out and pay the bill. Groceries would depend on who does the shopping. If it is you, then maybe she could shop for and fix a meal one day a week. If it is her, then I'd make her pay 100% of the grocery bill and you just make sure the budget doesn't end up where she pays more than 1/7 overall. Don't include clothes in your expense list either. Just bills that have to be paid every month. All the discretionary things each of you can spend your leftover money on.
However, I fail to see how all this is going to produce $5,000 for the taxes. You are far from financially abused. No, it isn't fair for you to pay her taxes. If all else fails, you may have to file yours alone until she starts putting some money aside for them.

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post #3 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-22-2016, 06:54 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

If you make 7/8ths of the money and she makes 1/8th, you should pay 7/8ths of everything and she should pay 1/8th of everything. Add up all the bills, including taxes, and divide it up that way and it will be fair.

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post #4 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-22-2016, 07:01 PM Thread Starter
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My car is paid off
She pays about 40 a month in gas
I pay the car insurance.
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post #5 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-22-2016, 07:17 PM Thread Starter
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I also pay for her car repairs new tires etc.
She only pays what I said above. Nothing else.

She just started paying the electric bill after I went ballistic over a 260 bill in Nov. I live in FL we only use the a.c. no heater needed. Now the bill comes to about 50 a month.
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post #6 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-22-2016, 07:21 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

Sounds like you better be careful what you wish for, because when you add it all up including the so-called "her expenses" and make her responsible for 1/8 of the total, she might end up paying less than she is now. Once you start paying 7/8 of her car, student loans, gas, electric....especially if you don't have a mortgage or car payment yourself. What do you pay? Insurance and food? Cable & phones?
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post #7 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-22-2016, 07:22 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

40 a month is gas? lol you'd have a heart attack if you saw my budget.
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post #8 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-22-2016, 07:26 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

Have you had a sit down with her about the implications of all this, and let her know that you should file separately this year until she starts saving money to pay for her part of the taxes.



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post #9 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-22-2016, 07:30 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

$155 is not that high for a pair of women's shoes. I don't see how you can attribute the marriage penalty as her fault. If married filing separate makes more sense for both of you financially, do it, but the combined tax separate tax bills are still both of yours as a married couple. I think it's nice that you helped her pay off her debt and increase her ira, but you seem very "mine" and "hers" which I think is a disasterous in a marriage, what happened to "ours". If you need to talk to her about agreeing before spending on big purchases because you're trying to save or pay off debt, then do that, but I don't think you should make her feel bad or less than you or deserving of less because you "make 7 times what she makes."

"You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge. Apologize for mistakes. Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone--profusely. But don't apologize for being who you are."
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post #10 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-22-2016, 07:44 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

I can see why you would be upset with her not saving out the 10% each paycheck for end of year taxes. You have told her this needed to be done and this is the 2nd year it has not been done. I would somehow make her accountable for this. As far as the other bills, they are your responsibility together...not hers and mine. I am guessing when you married her you knew you would always make more income than her, was it a problem for you then? It's past time to sit down and have a frank discussion about financial matters so no one feels taken advantage of, but this mine and hers attitude isn't the way to go about it.

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post #11 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-22-2016, 07:53 PM
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

You pay 2200 by yourself. With her working your combined tax bill goes up 5200. You are not really clear on this but I assume that you would owe 2200 on April 15th without her extra pay because you did not have enough withheld from your paycheck. I assume she makes about 20K per year and that you are in the 25 percent tax bracket Filing jointly, means her income goes right on top of yours so she owes 25% of whatever she makes. Or, you could look at it the other way - She would only pay 10% on her income from dollar one - which means because you work, she owes 3000 more. So really, you owe her 3000 assuming she paid the first 2000.

You realize that between 0 and 18500 that tax rate is 10%?? 18500 to 78500 its 15%, 78500 to 150000 its 25% (I am going off memory so these are not exact but real close)

My opinion, she should pay the bottom tear taxes and you should make up the extra. SO next year, you need to take out about $5000 more out of your pay for FEDERAL TAXES if you do not want to owe money at the end of the year. Of course she needs to take out the 10%.
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post #12 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 10:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

Thanks for the response guys.

By mine and hers I meant bills that we are each responsible to be on top of not necessarily pay. If it's "her bill" and she has the money then she pays, but if she doesn't have the money then she has to let me know when it's due so I can pay. This gives me a break from being on top of everything all the time.

I don't mind the price of the shoes. She works so she can buy whatever she wants. The problem I have is I pay for her brakes $140 hoping she'll save $6500 for this years roth but then she shows up the next month with $155 pair of shoes.

If she has the money why didn't she pay? I could have used that $140 for something else. Instead of implicitly buying a pair of shoes.
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post #13 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 10:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

@FascinatingLady
I'm not trying to make up for the tax difference. I don't care about that.

The way I feel is she is paying less than if we filed separately but then goes and buys a new outfit for $200 (example). I feel like if she had the extra money she should have helped out more with the tax bill.

It's like she puts in the minimum then it's up to me to deal with everything else.
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post #14 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 10:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

@Fitnessfan
I do come across as very mines and hers thanks for helping me see that.

I don't mind the marriage penalty I'll pay my 7/8th share no problem. Or the whole thing
if need be.

The problem I think I'm having is that after paying the taxes she goes off and
spends. If that's the case then she should have helped more with the taxes. This happens in general not just with taxes.

I'm not trying to make her feel bad that's why I took a deep breath and asked here first before going home and starting an argument.
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post #15 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 10:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling financially used by wife.

@NWCooper
I think you hit the nail on the head how to make her more accountable?

I knew I would always make more money than her it's never been a problem.
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