Re: Feeling financially used by wife.
$155 is not that high for a pair of women's shoes. I don't see how you can attribute the marriage penalty as her fault. If married filing separate makes more sense for both of you financially, do it, but the combined tax separate tax bills are still both of yours as a married couple. I think it's nice that you helped her pay off her debt and increase her ira, but you seem very "mine" and "hers" which I think is a disasterous in a marriage, what happened to "ours". If you need to talk to her about agreeing before spending on big purchases because you're trying to save or pay off debt, then do that, but I don't think you should make her feel bad or less than you or deserving of less because you "make 7 times what she makes."
"You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge. Apologize for mistakes. Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone--profusely. But don't apologize for being who you are."