Thanks for the reponses! She is seeing a naturopath for her hypothyroidism and trying to fix her levels, trying to fix her adrenals, etc. I let her spend whatever she needs on her meds and therapy because i want her to be happy and healthy again. Even though she's always been quick tempered and confrontational this whole situation for her has really brought out the worst. I think positively about things whereas she's always thinking of the negatives. She always has issues with our neighbors but they all wave and say hi to me. Just one example of how we approach things differently. I don't want to divorce. I want her to get better but I also don't want her to overdictate..
I'm just wondering if I put my foot down and said, I'm quitting my high paying job that is killing my soul and taking a lower paying menial job that makes me smile and to do that we will buy something more affordable so i can do that... Would that be fair?
I told her that perhaps she could volunteer or work part time at a local stable so she can be around horses which makes her happy. And in the future when we can afford it she can get her horse. I just get eye rolls or snarky comments about how it's not the same thing.
Lets get one thing straight.
You're not being nice when you "let her spend what she likes on her meds", you're being damn lazy.
(1) You need to get involved in your famillies life. I know it's hard, and you're tired, etc etc (sound familiar??) but really, her interest while along with the kids, is limited by _your_ interest in them, If you can't make the time, it makes them all valueless _in_there_eyes. the kids don't know it yet, because they just suck their energy and morale boosting off their mum!
(2) Things are really bad. If things don't work out with the naturopath, go see a GP. You don't have to give up on the natural ways or sell out to the GP (even if the GP thinks you should). What you're looking for is _any_ change.
(3) Does she sleep well at nights?
(4) What external interest groups does she have? Many women get recharged by social activities, in the same way many men prefer chilling in front of game, self-hobbies (eg fishing).
(5) What is her exercise level?
(6) She is definitely depressed (as mentioned by another poster) accept that, deal with it, and move forward to others that appropriately cause depression.
(7) Given that she's been in the same rut for most of her life, and the kids are moving on, and her own hormones will be dropping with the lack of social and personal stimulation, it's not surprising the spring is winding down. The same thing happens in laboratories in psychological testing in they put living things in monotonous unchanging surroundings, eventually their brain (or equivalent) forces itself to shutdown to handle the lack of stimulation. That has a self-reinforcing effect, because the less brain stimulation, the less it wants to stimulate muscles etc, and the more it tries to protect itself by shutting down.
(8) the negativity and picking fights with neighbours are just symptoms of (7). Depression is self-reinforcing, as it turns "negative results" into personal confirmations. Better to be right and miserable, than accept failure. Better to blame everything or anything else than to face the impossible act of fixing Everything.
(9) From 8 you can see why doing her personal goals is going to get shot down big time?? The bigger the carrot, the more refusal force must be applied. Unfortunately I'm not trained to treat depression. I would consider doing small things that are tangents, that result in small positive stimuli. "Doing things" is a job, a task to be endured, for the depressed - they can no longer see or accept that something may be pleasant and unstressful, or even successfully done. It is better in their brain to reject and not try, or to wall themselves off, than to face more struggle and disappointment because they are all out of hope "juice". So sadly it falls on their loved ones (or professionals) to help the person who has become emotionally crippled, and take them to places where things do work out, don't make people angry, don't leave them behind - and aren't too over the top or impossible. baby steps.
When my depression was at it's worst it helped to make a list each day. I would sit down, take a pen, a notepad, and write a list: it would say (1) write a list. Then I would go make a cup of tea (vascular dilator, vs coffee whie is a vasular restrictor), then I would sit down and cross off any thing I had done on my list. Sometimes that was the only thing I managed to successfully accomplish that day, but it got me through the worst times.
Eventually I got to the point I could make longer term lists, just to get the pressure and emptiness out of my head. That helped me put aside my needs, and deal with my clients - and that helped turn things around for me.
As for quitting your job? Never. You should only move forward, to better opportunity; never backwards to a corner of nowhere to go.
If you apply for a better position, you can describe why you want to move forwards - if you've quit, you'll just look desparate.
If it doesn't work out, you can say to other HR interviewers that you took a chance, it was a calculated risk, but you think it's not really the best fit for you, and you think you can serve their firms needs (of X,Y,Z) better than you can at your current place. If you quit, then hire and want to jump; you look like a serial jobhopper who doesn't fit in anywhere. Or if you quit twice, even more desparate. So learn from your wife - that's what will happen to you if you don't focus on moving forward to new opportunity