Just today I hugged her for a while and that was nice. She was getting dressed to go to the chiropractor and I asked her if she feels she is getting better at all with the response of "I don't know". I then said if you don't feel you are getting better (physically) are you sure you will be able to take care of a horse? Should I have not said that? Because that got her upset.
No, you shouldn't have. It is a selfish question and statement, or at least is perceived as so by her. It is not asked/stated with her interests in mind, but rather yours
"What can I do to help you today?"
Right now one her chickens is sick so she's been spending a lot of effort and time into driving around to get medicine and building a separate living quarters etc. I think it's great that she puts effort into making a helpless creature better again. I suppose if that makes her happy then I should encourage that?
To a degree. However, if she is neglecting her responsibilities to you or the children in favor of the animals (BTDT), you must put your foot down.
Right now other than typing this I have been vacuuming, sweeping, laundry etc while watching the kids. I will just hope she notices because before I used to tell her the things I did while she was gone which is more of that passive aggressive stuff she doesn't like. I still have a ten hour shift of work to go to later today.
This needs to stop as well. Look...my wife has depression issues. So do I for that matter, although mine are much less pronounced. Every now and then, I have to spur her. I will tolerate about a week of her being disengaged, lazy and selfish. Then I tell her gently that it is time for her to begin to fulfill her obligations again. Most of the time, that gets through to her.
If it does not, I stop with my acts of service to her, which involves helping feed the animals. When I stop doing that, she becomes legitimately overwhelmed almost immediately. Funny, but the animals are considered priority while household things can wait. Then she ups her effort level again.
Strange priorities, but hey, I chose to marry her so I can't really complain.