sole provider = how much say do i have? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #31 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 03:03 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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That's definitely how I'm feeling at the moment!! But I'm gonna try my hardest to break out of this.
Good luck because you're gonna need it. Once in this vortex of crap it's nearly impossible to leave.


"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #32 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 04:55 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

If you're the sole provider, your wife needs to let you do what you need to do to be happy in your job. If it means selling the house and moving, she needs to be willing to do that. Period. I'm sorry she has health issues and wants a horse (and I don't see her taking care of the horse). But, you're going to burn out eventually and then there will be nobody providing.
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post #33 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 05:00 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

OP, Have you discussed all this with your wife? I mean a formal sit down non confrontation discussion?
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post #34 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 07:47 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

My situation is similar. Sole provider. Wife stopped working a corporate job with 1st pregnancy. My wife does do the accounting for my company, however. It takes her about 5 hours per week. However, that sometimes is just too much for her. She has always been more the pessimist, but it gets worse at times. I've asked what will make her happy. She can't say. I think some people just truly don't want to be what others consider "happy."

Basically, you have to accept her for what you have. It is really not going to change much - or at least in my experience. You also have to learn, as I did, and it was a tough lesson. Nothing I can do can make another happy if they don't want to be. Focus on your own happiness, while providing and caring for your wife to the best of your ability. There will be ups and downs, but hopefully more ups in the long run.

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post #35 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 05:33 AM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

OP I can relate as well. In many ways your story was just another chapter in the life I used to lead. When I got married we both worked for the same company but at different offices. Shortly thereafter I got promoted and transferred. So we had to move. She was offered a position at another office closer to me so we split the difference and moved to a small town in the middle. Shortly after that she is pregnant. I wanted our kids to be raised by a SAHM, so I became the sole provider. I drove an hour to and from work for about a year and a half. Then I got another promotion, only this time I got to drive an 1 hour and 15 minutes each way to work. We looked into moving but she didn't want to yank our oldest (my step son) out of his school, so we stayed and I drove. About a year later I got transferred back to my old office so I gained about 1/2 a day (yippee!) of my life back. I hated my job and had hated all along. I felt like a caged animal.
Anyways I almost died and decided I couldn't do it anymore. I switched jobs thinking maybe some place new would be a cure. I just traded a paycheck from one place for a paycheck from a different place. Of course she was happy, she still got to be the SAHM the whole time. Like you, when I got home I was bombarded with complaints and demands, told what needed done and generally treated like a walking ATM machine that could fix things and do chores.
I finally decided if I was going to have any shot at a life, I needed to start my own business. So I did. I made more money than I ever did working for some corporation and I got to enjoy life. But apparently that was not acceptable to my wife. The time I was spending enjoying things like friends and activities and hobbies, apparently should have been spent making more money to pay for the nicer car, bigger house, new furniture, extravagant vacations etc, that she always dreamed she should have being married to rising star in the corporate world as she had been.
After a while my life became the same as it was before - an endless grind. After the kids left she took a job, but for the most part her jobs cost me money as she often times didn't make enough to pay for the gas she was using on her job. Eventually she found a better paying job and once the kids were gone, so was she.
Long story short - take care of yourself.

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post #36 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 06:17 AM
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Even if your wife fixed her health issues or got a job, where does her dream/goals of having animals fit in with your dream of living in a condo near a ski resort?

It seems to me that you have really diverging life goals. You've already stated that your goals/dreams are not more important but ... meaning you believe they are.

So what do you see as the compromise?
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post #37 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 07:47 AM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

OP, there are many, many parallels between your story and mine. To include her wanting horses.

The mistake I made? I did it; bought the land; built the fencing; bought the trailer; bought the horses.

Then two weren't enough. She wanted more. When we try to find joy in "things", we need the next "thing".

Your wife is unhappy so she has latched onto a dream.

Honest question, OP. How is your emotional intimacy with your wife?

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post #38 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 11:55 AM Thread Starter
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I just recently started having some small sit downs with her about all this. I think she's slowly starting to understand how serious I am about this.

She has said that she will get a job when our youngest gets to school me if she gets better. We are still two years out from kindergarten though so that's something I'm going to have to wait and see about.

Intimacy there is none. I will admit it comes from both sides. I am not attracted to the ugliness inside. She's too tired all the time. We cuddle occasionally after the kids are in bed but that's rare. i can't remember the last time we did any more than that. I think last year a couple times. She does notice that I don't tell her I love her any more. I don't like to lie so I don't say it and she notices. I joke that I'm going to get it somewhere else and she says go ahead although also jokingly. I've never cheated but she has (emotionally not sure physically).

That being said I'm going to try and find someone to help out with the animals and kids one night next week so i can take her out on a date and try to respark the togetherness.

Ideally we would be living near a ski resort in a modest house on land with horses. Unfortunately that is big time serious money and not a realistic goal at the moment. I say condo because that's more realistic for now.

Anyone understand private insurance? I've been thinking lately that I could handle my job better if I went down to like two days a week and can be home more for the wife and kids. But curious how much I'd be spending on insurance for a family of four.

Again thanks for all the advice!
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post #39 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 12:59 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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I just recently started having some small sit downs with her about all this. I think she's slowly starting to understand how serious I am about this.

She has said that she will get a job when our youngest gets to school me if she gets better. We are still two years out from kindergarten though so that's something I'm going to have to wait and see about.

Intimacy there is none. I will admit it comes from both sides. I am not attracted to the ugliness inside. She's too tired all the time. We cuddle occasionally after the kids are in bed but that's rare. i can't remember the last time we did any more than that. I think last year a couple times. She does notice that I don't tell her I love her any more. I don't like to lie so I don't say it and she notices. I joke that I'm going to get it somewhere else and she says go ahead although also jokingly. I've never cheated but she has (emotionally not sure physically).

That being said I'm going to try and find someone to help out with the animals and kids one night next week so i can take her out on a date and try to respark the togetherness.

Ideally we would be living near a ski resort in a modest house on land with horses. Unfortunately that is big time serious money and not a realistic goal at the moment. I say condo because that's more realistic for now.

Anyone understand private insurance? I've been thinking lately that I could handle my job better if I went down to like two days a week and can be home more for the wife and kids. But curious how much I'd be spending on insurance for a family of four.

Again thanks for all the advice!
I think you are eyeballing the wrong direction on the sliding scale. I would argue that she is not engaged nor busy enough, and you want to help with that? She doesn't necessarily need a job, but she certainly needs a mission.

Depression is self hate, often sourced at our own failures. What is she loathing? What dark part of her is so bad that she begins to go down the dark path?

This is what I mean by emotional intimacy. You don't know your wife very well, do you.

And the reason you have stopped saying you love her is because you do not respect her. I also find this intriguing, because your solution of dropping time at work in order to help her will likely lead to you respecting yourself less as well.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #40 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 01:22 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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Anyone understand private insurance? I've been thinking lately that I could handle my job better if I went down to like two days a week and can be home more for the wife and kids. But curious how much I'd be spending on insurance for a family of four.
Why do you want private health insurance? In case someone gets sick or injured or needs proper health care?

You have a wife that is depressed. Are YOU satisfied that she is getting best health care possible? All we hear from you is that you "let" her spend money on naturopathy.

My wife is physically very ill, a chronic condition, and I move mountains to make sure we get her the best care possible, including care for her major depression. It has made a world of different, depression wise.

IMO, from what you wrote, you wife's work experience has soured her on pharmaceutical-based medical care and so she is settling for something less effective. And insufficient for her.

Treat what can be a CAUSE of your marriage woes, not just the SYMPTOMS. You are smart enough to know what you need to do, for you and for her.

Good luck.

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post #41 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 01:33 PM Thread Starter
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I gotta say it is hard to figure out. We come from two different worlds. While both of us grew up poor in the monetary sense I came from a loving family, church, non drinkers, non smokers, no cussing, wholesome friends etc. Her family life saw divorces, cheating, arrests, drugs, etc. her younger brother has been in jail since high school, her nephew is in the same jail, her sister has two kids from two dads neither which are in the picture. They don't talk to each other. Her mom is in and out of her life for months at a time even though she lives 10 minutes away. She complains that her friends are all flakes and never can help her watching the kids or help take care of the animals so we can go on vacation together. She just reconnected with her dad recently for the first time in her life which sometimes she complains about. He seems a nice guy though. We don't have any mutual friends because we hang with two totally different crowds. Hers are more the pot smoker paycheck to paycheck living types mine are not. I'm not saying my friends are better just different lifestyle. I don't approve of her pot usage but have come to accept it. I don't allow her to do it inside the house though. She says medicinal although I'm sure that wasn't the case back in her high school days. I do feel for her though as seems don't ever seem to go her way. Things for the most part have gone my way but I'm a big believer that you create your own destiny by your decisions and behavior and guiding yourself towards good things. I've mentioned this to her many times in as polite a way as i can. However that comes off to her as passive aggressiveness which she hates so I am just being more blunt now which also doesn't seem to be working.

Just today I hugged her for a while and that was nice. She was getting dressed to go to the chiropractor and I asked her if she feels she is getting better at all with the response of "I don't know". I then said if you don't feel you are getting better (physically) are you sure you will be able to take care of a horse? Should I have not said that? Because that got her upset.

Right now one her chickens is sick so she's been spending a lot of effort and time into driving around to get medicine and building a separate living quarters etc. I think it's great that she puts effort into making a helpless creature better again. I suppose if that makes her happy then I should encourage that?

Right now other than typing this I have been vacuuming, sweeping, laundry etc while watching the kids. I will just hope she notices because before I used to tell her the things I did while she was gone which is more of that passive aggressive stuff she doesn't like. I still have a ten hour shift of work to go to later today.
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post #42 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 01:35 PM Thread Starter
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Anyone understand private insurance? I've been thinking lately that I could handle my job better if I went down to like two days a week and can be home more for the wife and kids. But curious how much I'd be spending on insurance for a family of four.
Why do you want private health insurance? In case someone gets sick or injured or needs proper health care?

You have a wife that is depressed. Are YOU satisfied that she is getting best health care possible? All we hear from you is that you "let" her spend money on naturopathy.

My wife is physically very ill, a chronic condition, and I move mountains to make sure we get her the best care possible, including care for her major depression. It has made a world of different, depression wise.

IMO, from what you wrote, you wife's work experience has soured her on pharmaceutical-based medical care and so she is settling for something less effective. And insufficient for her.

Treat what can be a CAUSE of your marriage woes, not just the SYMPTOMS. You are smart enough to know what you need to do, for you and for her.

Good luck.
I just meant if I go down to part time at which my company won't provide health care insurance.
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post #43 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 01:41 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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I just meant if I go down to part time at which my company won't provide health care insurance.
Yes, we know that. I was being facetious. My point was IMO that you are under utilizing the current resources available to you through your current insurance to treat your wife's depression.

You seem hesitant to comment that issue.
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post #44 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 01:45 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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Just today I hugged her for a while and that was nice. She was getting dressed to go to the chiropractor and I asked her if she feels she is getting better at all with the response of "I don't know". I then said if you don't feel you are getting better (physically) are you sure you will be able to take care of a horse? Should I have not said that? Because that got her upset.
No, you shouldn't have. It is a selfish question and statement, or at least is perceived as so by her. It is not asked/stated with her interests in mind, but rather yours.

How about:

"What can I do to help you today?"

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Right now one her chickens is sick so she's been spending a lot of effort and time into driving around to get medicine and building a separate living quarters etc. I think it's great that she puts effort into making a helpless creature better again. I suppose if that makes her happy then I should encourage that?
To a degree. However, if she is neglecting her responsibilities to you or the children in favor of the animals (BTDT), you must put your foot down.

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Originally Posted by 5280 View Post
Right now other than typing this I have been vacuuming, sweeping, laundry etc while watching the kids. I will just hope she notices because before I used to tell her the things I did while she was gone which is more of that passive aggressive stuff she doesn't like. I still have a ten hour shift of work to go to later today.
This needs to stop as well. Look...my wife has depression issues. So do I for that matter, although mine are much less pronounced. Every now and then, I have to spur her. I will tolerate about a week of her being disengaged, lazy and selfish. Then I tell her gently that it is time for her to begin to fulfill her obligations again. Most of the time, that gets through to her.

If it does not, I stop with my acts of service to her, which involves helping feed the animals. When I stop doing that, she becomes legitimately overwhelmed almost immediately. Funny, but the animals are considered priority while household things can wait. Then she ups her effort level again.

Strange priorities, but hey, I chose to marry her so I can't really complain.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #45 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 01:51 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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I asked her if she feels she is getting better at all with the response of "I don't know".

Right now one her chickens is sick so she's been spending a lot of effort and time into driving around to get medicine and building a separate living quarters etc.
I can't tell you how many times I heard the "I don't know" comment. It is what a depressed person says. The chickens are her escape from reality.

So I will ask again, and then stop mentioning it, why is the chicken getting better health care than your wife? What are YOU doing to help her depression - and I mean medically?
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