sole provider = how much say do i have? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #46 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 02:09 PM Thread Starter
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I've asked her to go see a medical doctor a couple times before but didn't press the issue after each time being told an excuse why she won't. I will again today and see if I can get her to change her mind.

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post #47 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 02:14 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

Why are you asking?

Tell her to take a ride with you, and drive to the doctors office. Then when you get into the exam room, explain to the doctor what your wife has been doing over x amount of time.

The worst that can happen is that she gets mad at you and denies you intimacy...which is happening already, so you really have nothing to lose.

It could be that some part of her may be depressed because you are not taking charge of the situation.

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post #48 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 02:15 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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I've asked her to go see a medical doctor a couple times before but didn't press the issue after each time being told an excuse why she won't. I will again today and see if I can get her to change her mind.
Been there, done that. She is depressed so she does not see the problem. I had to threaten divorce to finally get my wife to go.

Word it such that you are concerned for her, not that she has a problem. Don't settle for excuses. If you have to skip one shift to take her (drive her) to the MD, you won't regret it.

Remember, treat the cause not the symptoms.

ETA: Listen to @farsidejunky My wife would not tell the doctor much, certainly not enough for him to diagnose depression. I was in the exam room too so the doctor listened to me, and my wife had to tell the real story since I was there. Do not expect a depressed person to tell their doctor "I am depressed". It does not happen.
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post #49 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 03:44 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

She needs a confident hand. Do what is best for your family, which may be what is best for you, being the sole provider. Here's the rub: She needs someone she can depend on to make the right decisions. She will make them if she has to, but will be angry at you that she was forced to carry that weight, especially in her condition. You can't check every decision with her being the final word. It feels like partners, but if she's ending up making the final decision, even if she seems to want to, she will resent you even as you may mistakenly feel you are doing what will make her happy, or less angry. Be the man in your marriage
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post #50 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 03:58 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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Thanks for the reponses! She is seeing a naturopath for her hypothyroidism and trying to fix her levels, trying to fix her adrenals, etc. I let her spend whatever she needs on her meds and therapy because i want her to be happy and healthy again. Even though she's always been quick tempered and confrontational this whole situation for her has really brought out the worst. I think positively about things whereas she's always thinking of the negatives. She always has issues with our neighbors but they all wave and say hi to me. Just one example of how we approach things differently. I don't want to divorce. I want her to get better but I also don't want her to overdictate..

I'm just wondering if I put my foot down and said, I'm quitting my high paying job that is killing my soul and taking a lower paying menial job that makes me smile and to do that we will buy something more affordable so i can do that... Would that be fair?

I told her that perhaps she could volunteer or work part time at a local stable so she can be around horses which makes her happy. And in the future when we can afford it she can get her horse. I just get eye rolls or snarky comments about how it's not the same thing.
She should go to an endocrinologist.
Simple as that. Get her healthy and see how she is.
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post #51 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 04:30 PM Thread Starter
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Ok so I asked her if we could go see a doctor for her anxiety and depression issues and an endocrinologist for her health issues. No was the answer. For her depression she "is taking all the right supplements to get her levels on track" and "seeing our therapist" for it. An endocrinologist can't tell her anything hat her naturopath hasn't already told her. She said she needs "us" to be better for her depression which I do agree with. But this looks like it's not gonna be easy to convince her to see some doctors.

I found a very affordable house in the ski area I like which is still not an unrealistic drive from my current job. While it's not horse property at least , unlike a condo, she can still have her Chickens and garden and indoor pets so not a complete shock to her world? She definitely wants to love away from the city. I kinda just want to go for it but afraid of the backlash.
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post #52 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 04:37 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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Ok so I asked her if we could go see a doctor for her anxiety and depression issues and an endocrinologist for her health issues. No was the answer. For her depression she "is taking all the right supplements to get her levels on track" and "seeing our therapist" for it. An endocrinologist can't tell her anything hat her naturopath hasn't already told her. She said she needs "us" to be better for her depression which I do agree with. But this looks like it's not gonna be easy to convince her to see some doctors.

I kinda just want to go for it but afraid of the backlash.
In her depressed state she cannot handle your plan and it WILL backfire.

She is in denial of the depression. "Supplements" are not going to cut it. You need to trade something off to get her to see a MD. If she wants more chickens for example, you agree but only if she sees a MD first. In my case I traded divorce for my wife going to MD and I never ever regretted what I had to do. I gave her the choice - MD or divorce. She chose correctly.
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post #53 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 06:31 PM
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Please at least wait til the end of the school year to move. There's like six weeks left, moving the 7 year old (who I'm assuming is in 1st or 2nd Grade) for the last month of school seems unnecessary.

What are the schools like in the new area?
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post #54 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-16-2016, 06:36 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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That naturopathic approach is not going to cut it. Your wife needs to be treated by a medical doctor for her depression and her thyroid issues. There is no doubt in my mind that the approach your wife, and you, are taking for her health is grossly insufficient. She is not getting the help she needs. Finding the proper medication for her depression can be and will be life altering. All the symptoms your wife has, my wife had. Right now, this path has your wife being depressed forever and BOTH of you have to deal with the consequences. Like, no sex. Believe me, that situation will continue to make you miserable and more resentful. Been there, done that.
This is definitely a BIG issue. She has health problems which are affecting her mood and she is not dealing with them effectively. I echo those who are saying do WHATEVER it takes to get her in to see a proper physician. These health issues are sapping her energy, her drive and her motivation.

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Problem #2. Your wife's dream of the horse. She has the power to make her dreams come true. If she wants a horse, she needs to get a job to pay for the horse. If not, no horse. If she needs a therapy animal, get a dog and love it. She will not take care of the horse. You will have to do that. If she fixes problem #1, then maybe she can get a job and have her dream come true. If she is just lazy, then no horse. Trust me, having a horse will NOT make her less depressed. Her depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain.
She's just idly dreaming about horses and has no intention of doing any work to make them come true. Should you hand her this dream on a silver platter, she'll mess it up because horses require maintenance, ie, hard work! Then she'll moan and groan that she's still not happy. As long as she's looking to outside sources for her happiness instead of addressing her internal issues, she'll never be satisfied.

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Problem #3. Your dreams. You need to decide what path you want to take in life. Quit worrying about your wife's "eye rolling". Do you want to be unhappy in your job, your marriage and sex life (lack thereof). If that means changing jobs, then you discuss with wife how to make that happen.
I don't think you can sensibly pursue either your wife's dreams OR yours until you resolve her health issues. When you have an equal partner in your marriage again, instead of yet another child-like dependent, THEN you can discuss your future together and what directions it could go.

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I don't approve of her pot usage but have come to accept it. I don't allow her to do it inside the house though. She says medicinal although I'm sure that wasn't the case back in her high school days. I do feel for her though as seems don't ever seem to go her way.
And yet another problem. Pot makes some users extremely apathetic. They'd rather sit around stoned and moaning about how their lives suck than get up and do anything to change things around. Your wife may not even have thyroid issues or depression. It may be entirely the pot.

She's resistant to seeing a proper doctor, so I'm guessing she's probably just as resistant to stopping the pot smoking.

Make it clear to her that the horse dream will not happen unless and until she stops smoking pot and sees a real doctor and follows real medical directions to get better. Put the monetary savings from not buying pot and naturopathic 'meds' towards a horse fund. (Pay for the real meds yourself.) Let her see the horse funds slowly growing while she improves her health and outlook on life.

If she isn't willing to find her energy and drive but just keeps siphoning yours away, you do not have a marriage partnership of equals, and you'd probably be justified by prioritizing your dreams over hers.
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post #55 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 09:42 PM Thread Starter
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So today she called me while I'm at work to complain about how she's ready to go ballistic on the kids and I need to find her a babysitter (this happens fairly often). After hanging up on me we text back and forth and I finally tell her some of these things that are on my mind. Her culminating text is if she's the only negative thing in my life then I should just let her go. That's her usual big ender to a discussion. I told her I don't want to do that but maybe we should look at a way to get her lots of alone time away from the kids and me. i work til 2am in the morning so I'm still in bed when they are up getting ready for school. I'm constantly waking up to the sound of her screaming at the kids, cussing at them at the top of her lungs, throwing things and the kids crying etc. I wish I could just change my hours so that I can wake up with them and put them to bed every night so she doesn't have to. Those are the two most stressful times for her. On my days off I do but it kills me to hear this going on. I have expressed my concerns to her about it but it still happens constantly.

She has talked to a lawyer in the recent past when we've gotten this far down in our relationship. Maybe I should start talking to one as well? Every time we have an argument like this she goes to Facebook to vent about me. I wish she wouldn't do that. I'm wondering if she's going there to get validation in herfeelings since she is feeling like a victim? I always refrain from posting or responding. I never post negative stuff about her or us.

I guess I'm going to "call her bluff" so to speak and start talking maybe about a trial separation. Thing is if we get divorced I don't see any positive outcomes from it other than I don't have to be around the vitriol and anger. But the kids will still be around it when they are with her. I don't want them to accidentally stumble upon her and her friends smoking pot. She's left her paraphernalia lying around many times. I've snapped pictures of it just in case it's something of use if worst case scenario happens. I guess I could hope that we could come upon an agreement with the kids even though I would want full custody. I'm guessing though courts lean towards the mom in most cases no matter who's "fault" it is?

I just can't believe it's come to this. In my heart I just don't think I want to try and work it out anymore. If it weren't for the kids I would have already been considering it. Yeah I know that is a common theme around here.

I know you are just hearing my side of our story but I'm trying to speak facts and not assumptions so please call me on it if you see it. But based on what I've explained and if it's true she is living in this alternate reality in her head that I and everything is holding her back and not herself how do I sit her down and tell her?

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post #56 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 10:13 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

Ouch.

So basically the stay at home mom thing isn't working. At all. She's just not suited for it. And it's probably doing severe harm to the children.

You need more normal work hours, and she needs a job. Those two things would have to happen if you separated, so may as well see if you can make them happen now, and possibly save your marriage.

Frankly, if you separate, it doesn't sound like she'd be very good at parenting all by herself. Get some recordings of that morning screaming and swearing.

How have you not put your foot down before now? If it weren't for the kids, you would have considered separation a long time ago? That's so backwards. Your children are suffering! I think it's about time you chose them, innocent parties who can't look after themselves, over her, a grown adult who should be able to handle herself better. You need to get them away from her before she does them irreparable psychological damage.

Ah, Facebook. The courtroom of public opinion. Yes, it's for validation. The more sympathy she gets, the more she feels like she's in the right and doesn't have to change. Change is hard work.

Last edited by Hopeful Cynic; 04-17-2016 at 10:25 PM.
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post #57 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 11:35 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

Cussing and yelling? That is not okay.

I would tell you that my wife used to use statements about divorce, but she never actually consulted.

However, the last time she did it, I told her I would honor her request, that I would probably not find anyone I loved as much as her, but would settle for someone more interested in meeting my needs. She flipped. She argued. She cried. And she never did it again.

Now to you. Consult an attorney just to be prepared. Always have a back up plan. Next, go see your practitioner and communicate to them the behavior you are seeing, to include what sounds like verbal abuse. But make sure you explain your concern for both your kids AND your wife.

She needs help.


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post #58 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 07:15 AM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

She needs support. That yelling at the kids comes from her not getting the support she needs to be patient with them.

Have you two gone to counseling yet?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #59 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 08:27 AM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

@5280 Your wife and family need you. I know it is tough on you. Have YOU gone for counseling, not only to help you deal with this but also for advice on how your wife can be helped?

Do not "call her bluff". This is not a game. This is your family and the love of your life is hurting and needs you. She is not coping and she needs you.

"In my heart I just don't think I want to try and work it out anymore." You are tired and stressed. That is understandable. IMO if you were already done with her you would not be posting here.

You can get through this. Stay strong and stay here with people that care about you and your family.
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post #60 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 09:24 AM Thread Starter
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Right now she is on the phone downstairs loudly tearing me apart to a friend. She has to know I can hear her.
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