Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?
Nobody but you gets to decide what you will and will not tolerate.
I would not tolerate my wife playing a childish game of calling friends to trash-talk me knowing I'm in ear shot.
Are there unmet needs? Clearly. However, I have found that a combination of boundaries and compassion are required.
When they are abusive to you and/or your children? Boundaries and consequences. Otherwise, compassion.
Other than that, it is time for this to get resolved.
"Wife, I want our marriage to be great again. It would take two of us do make it so. What do you need for our marriage to be great again?"
If it is a horse or some other "stuff", I would politely say:
"Stuff is not the foundation of a marriage as I understand it. If the only way forward for you to be happy with me is based on what I can buy for you, then you will leave me no other choice but to move on."
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"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.
"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley