sole provider = how much say do i have? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #61 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 09:32 AM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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Right now she is on the phone downstairs loudly tearing me apart to a friend. She has to know I can hear her.
My wife does that too. Speaks loudly enough that I can hear, then tells people that I "listen" to her conversations.

Without trying to be sexist, this is what many woman do. They will trash us when talking to their best friends.

Don't take it personally. She knows you can hear. That is the point. This may sound odd, but it is her way of asking for help.

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post #62 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 11:18 AM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

Nobody but you gets to decide what you will and will not tolerate.

I would not tolerate my wife playing a childish game of calling friends to trash-talk me knowing I'm in ear shot.

Are there unmet needs? Clearly. However, I have found that a combination of boundaries and compassion are required.

When they are abusive to you and/or your children? Boundaries and consequences. Otherwise, compassion.

Other than that, it is time for this to get resolved.

"Wife, I want our marriage to be great again. It would take two of us do make it so. What do you need for our marriage to be great again?"

If it is a horse or some other "stuff", I would politely say:

"Stuff is not the foundation of a marriage as I understand it. If the only way forward for you to be happy with me is based on what I can buy for you, then you will leave me no other choice but to move on."





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post #63 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 02:51 PM Thread Starter
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We just had a big talk. Ended with her walking away and crying. She brought up separating a few times during the conversation so I said let's try it then. I could tell that hit pretty hard. She's still crying as I type this. If I back out now of at least contacting someone then she's going to know she can keep holding that card on me. I did get some more info though on how she's feeling and why she's acting the way she does.

Edit: another long discussion while j was typing....

She basically wants me to love her unconditionally and not to withdraw when she loses her temper at me and the kids. She said she can't help it. She's afraid she will never get better. And she will continue to be angry.

Maybe I'm hard headed, actually I am pretty sure I'm a little bit hard headed but there's just no place in my heart for anger and negativity. I know the world is not all puppy dogs and roses but if I can remain positive for my kids for my friends my coworkers for the guy at the cash register at the store maybe I can have some sort of butterfly effect in a good way. I try and remain positive with her but it's hard.

She is jealous that I shower the kids with affection even when they are struggling with their anger but I don't with her. I honestly don't have an answer for that. I ask myself why and I don't know. I guess because I love my kids more than the world and I suppose I no longer do her?

I'm still going to talk to a lawyer I suppose.
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post #64 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 02:58 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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She basically wants me to love her unconditionally and not to withdraw when she loses her temper at me and the kids. She said she can't help it. She's afraid she will never get better. And she will continue to be angry.
That is your opening to get her to agree to see a MD about her depression.
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post #65 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 08:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

I went to pick up the kids from school and she was sweeping and cleaning when I left. Got home and she was super sweet to me and the kids. I wonder if this is just temporary? I can't believe she would just change like that at the snap of a finger. I'm wondering if my mentioning of finding a lawyer made something click in her head?
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post #66 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 08:31 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

We psychologists (*) refer to such drastic changes as the "self preservation neurons firing".

(*) just me actually

Watch out for continued sweetness for a while then ugliness. Stay firm and suggest a good psych and physical workup.
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post #67 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 10:19 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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That is your opening to get her to agree to see a MD about her depression.
Nailed it.

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post #68 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 10:22 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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I went to pick up the kids from school and she was sweeping and cleaning when I left. Got home and she was super sweet to me and the kids. I wonder if this is just temporary? I can't believe she would just change like that at the snap of a finger. I'm wondering if my mentioning of finding a lawyer made something click in her head?
Careful with that.

Is she doing it because she fears losing you? This normally results in a temporary improvement.

Now is the time to reassure her that you don't want to separate, but will not continue the way things are going.

And yes, she needs to see a MD.

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post #69 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-19-2016, 06:23 AM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

She's jealous of the children. She wants a free pass to yell and scream at the children. Is there anything else this abuser wants? Please do something to protect your children from her torment. If you don't, you're no better than her.
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post #70 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-19-2016, 06:58 AM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

One more thing.

She is essentially asking change in you for her to be happy.

Think about that.

Happiness comes from within. That is one more piece to use for getting her in front of a MD.

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post #71 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 11:04 AM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

You sound like a kind, smart man.

evaluate your situation and realize that its not going to change.
no intimacy
bashes you loudly so you can hear to her friends
is a pretty crappy mom
refuses to get the proper help from the proper health professionals
could care less about you and your happiness
expects you to care about her happiness

cut your losses and move on. I know its not what you want to hear....You want to try and have the story book ending. But unlike some of the other advice on here I think which by the way you have already bent over backwards to help her and its just one more problem after another.

when you hit the wall with dealing with all this drama you will be ready. but in the mean time get your ducks in a row. save some money, don't incur any more debt. be the best dad you can be.

then cut your losses. get a lawyer move on.

good luck
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post #72 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 11:16 AM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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I went to pick up the kids from school and she was sweeping and cleaning when I left. Got home and she was super sweet to me and the kids. I wonder if this is just temporary?
Did you give her any positive reinforcement or did you just make note and move on? If you have not said anything positive, do it right now.
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post #73 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 11:20 AM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
You sound like a kind, smart man.

evaluate your situation and realize that its not going to change.
no intimacy
bashes you loudly so you can hear to her friends
is a pretty crappy mom
refuses to get the proper help from the proper health professionals
could care less about you and your happiness
expects you to care about her happiness

cut your losses and move on. I know its not what you want to hear....You want to try and have the story book ending. But unlike some of the other advice on here I think which by the way you have already bent over backwards to help her and its just one more problem after another.

when you hit the wall with dealing with all this drama you will be ready. but in the mean time get your ducks in a row. save some money, don't incur any more debt. be the best dad you can be.

then cut your losses. get a lawyer move on.

good luck
We are not talking about cancelling cable tv here. This is his family and his life. If you have ever lived with a person that had depression and seen the major change that proper meds can do, you would not be so quick to tell him to "cut your losses". OP owes her, his kids and himself one final push to get her proper meds. IMO, the way he described her depression and what has been done for treatment indicates to me that he has not really gotten involved. If she refuses, he can decide but he should not separate yet. He still has one more thing to try to be the best husband he can be. Mental illness is no less real than physical illness.

OP, move QUICKLY on this now, as you seem to have an opening. Do not delay this, unless you just want to bail.

Last edited by blueinbr; 04-20-2016 at 11:25 AM.
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post #74 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 11:52 AM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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We are not talking about cancelling cable tv here. This is his family and his life. If you have ever lived with a person that had depression and seen the major change that proper meds can do, you would not be so quick to tell him to "cut your losses". OP owes her, his kids and himself one final push to get her proper meds. IMO, the way he described her depression and what has been done for treatment indicates to me that he has not really gotten involved. If she refuses, he can decide but he should not separate yet. He still has one more thing to try to be the best husband he can be. Mental illness is no less real than physical illness.

OP, move QUICKLY on this now, as you seem to have an opening. Do not delay this, unless you just want to bail.
seems like he has tried only to have her come up with more excuses why she can't do this or that.

medication will only work after they get it figured out and then only if they take it. the problem is they often feel like their better and quit taking it then star the process over again and again.

I stand by my original advice and will add that not to feel bad for putting your well being and happiness to the front. instead of being miserable with someone with mental illness. not everybody is cut out to be able to deal with such situations.
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post #75 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 12:12 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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seems like he has tried only to have her come up with more excuses why she can't do this or that.

medication will only work after they get it figured out and then only if they take it. the problem is they often feel like their better and quit taking it then star the process over again and again.

I stand by my original advice and will add that not to feel bad for putting your well being and happiness to the front. instead of being miserable with someone with mental illness. not everybody is cut out to be able to deal with such situations.
I am glad you never advised me. My wife resisted going to MD. I got her there. My wife's depression is under control. She takes her pills every single day. I am not miserable. Wife is much better. It was not easy but we got there and I never regretted it for a moment.

But let's just write off OP as weak and his wife incurable and the kids with divorced parents can shuttle between two homes.
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