sole provider = how much say do i have? - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #91 of 96 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 06:08 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

There is unconditional love for children and pets. Maybe she should have married a dog. Adults are responsible for their actions therefore one spouse can't shyte on the other and then claim they aren't loved unconditionally when forgiveness is taking a little time. Honestly, she needs a shrink and you need a divorce.

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post #92 of 96 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 07:06 PM Thread Starter
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So I guess to get back to a financial perspective... Let's say we were to separate/divorce. I earn the money. She's a stay at home mom. I don't enjoy my job or my line of work at all. But starting from the bottom in anything else will be a huge hit monetarily but not mentally. Do I continue to suck it up at work and figure it out later with regards to monetary compensation to the spouse. Or take the hit now and start working somewhere doing something I enjoy? Thing is to do that we need to sell our house now and move to somewhere cheaper which is what we were looking at doing this past Friday. I have no idea how this works. How will the courts see this?

As an FYI, if we sell our house I will have a huge chunk to put down on another house or even in full if we get a cheap enough place. I am trying to figure out scenarios based on who would get the house and where it would be.

Or has anyone divorced and sold their house to get two new separate places?
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post #93 of 96 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 07:18 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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Originally Posted by 5280 View Post
So I guess to get back to a financial perspective... Let's say we were to separate/divorce. I earn the money. She's a stay at home mom. I don't enjoy my job or my line of work at all. But starting from the bottom in anything else will be a huge hit monetarily but not mentally. Do I continue to suck it up at work and figure it out later with regards to monetary compensation to the spouse. Or take the hit now and start working somewhere doing something I enjoy? Thing is to do that we need to sell our house now and move to somewhere cheaper which is what we were looking at doing this past Friday. I have no idea how this works. How will the courts see this?

As an FYI, if we sell our house I will have a huge chunk to put down on another house or even in full if we get a cheap enough place. I am trying to figure out scenarios based on who would get the house and where it would be.

Or has anyone divorced and sold their house to get two new separate places?
Don't believe anyone who answers this question without knowing what state you're in. You'll never get anywhere with website or bar room lawyers. You need a real attorney to ask these kind of questions. In some cases the court may say you're voluntarily under employed and base payments on what you could be making. But that's not universally true. In some states they'll tell your wife she has to get a job and factor that into the calculation as well. But not all states. Every case is different.
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post #94 of 96 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 07:22 PM Thread Starter
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Pretty much what I figured thanks! Yeah it's a convoluted situation for sure.
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post #95 of 96 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 07:26 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

@5280 Why are you asking for financial advice from strangers on a marriage forum? Go see a lawyer, and go see an accountant. Get the best ones you can afford so that you can screw your wife financially as much as possible. Obviously you do not love her since you will not at least try to get her proper medical or mental health treatment. You would rather try a few hugs, then when that does not work say - I told you so - so that you can continue your master plan. But once separation and divorce starts expect her to get crazier and fight your for at least two years - possibility with accusations of abuse - and you will have a more miserable life. Then you will have to deal with a crazy ex for years because of the kids. And when you remarry, your new wife will get sick of the **** that your ex wife pulls year after year. Welcome to your future. Oh, and learn to enjoy paying both child support and alimony while starting at the bottom of your new career.

So call tomorrow to make the appointment with the lawyer instead of calling a medical doctor.
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post #96 of 96 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 09:48 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

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So an update. The past couple weeks I decide to try a different approach. I made it a point to hug her first thing every day and try and start a decent conversation. This was well received. We had good talks. I'm clearly in a midlife funk and I explained where I'm coming from and she explained where she was coming from. Good stuff. Things were turning for the
good. But yet again she lost it on me a couple days ago. Yelled at me in front of her friends. I just pretended it didn't happen. Didn't want to make it more weird for her friends. Last night we had another big argument. She claimed that I used her the other day (we had some relations for the first time in like a year) because she thinks I don't love her unconditionally. I think unconditional love is a tricky thing. There has to be boundaries IMO. I feel I have made it clear that some of her actions I cannot tolerate yet she still does them. Today is Mother's Day and I still had the kids help me make her a homemade card which she loved. She is a completely different person today. Confuses me how she can go from spewing such vitriol one night to being June Cleaver the next morning.

So I've been thinking about the unconditional love comment and it made me realize that what I've become is codependent. I am realizing now that everything I do is based upon whether it will make her happy or not. Sometimes my only two choices are both wrong.

Today was a good day (and Mothers Day) so I'm going to try and talk to her about this tomorrow if I can.
IMO, and based om what I have read, the idea of "Unconditional Love" is just a setup for disaster. Marriage is a relationship between equals, not parent/child, or human/pet... It is an agreement to love based on certain conditions (the marriage vows.)

Who doesn't want to be loved unconditionally? How luxurious and self indulgent! But there is no such thing as unconditional love. If your spouse cheats on you are you required to love them? If your spouse beats you, are you required to love them? If your spouse spends you into the poor house, abandons you, lies to you, yells at you in front of their friends, are you required to love them?

Is she loving you unconditionally? It does not sound like it.

As a menopausal woman, I really feel for your wife. But she has got to get her rage and emotions under control if she wants to stay married. That is on her. Don't word anything in the disrespect sarcastic manner that I am using here, but when you talk to her, I suggest you give her the clear message:

Sorry sweetheart, but there ain't no such thing as unconditional love. If there was, you'd love me unconditionally and never yell at me or get mad at me again, wouldn't you? Every time you hurt me, you kill some of my love for you and you need to understand, it is running out. The more you abuse me the more I feel I would be happier away from you.

Good luck.
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