So an update. The past couple weeks I decide to try a different approach. I made it a point to hug her first thing every day and try and start a decent conversation. This was well received. We had good talks. I'm clearly in a midlife funk and I explained where I'm coming from and she explained where she was coming from. Good stuff. Things were turning for the
good. But yet again she lost it on me a couple days ago. Yelled at me in front of her friends. I just pretended it didn't happen. Didn't want to make it more weird for her friends. Last night we had another big argument. She claimed that I used her the other day (we had some relations for the first time in like a year) because she thinks I don't love her unconditionally. I think unconditional love is a tricky thing. There has to be boundaries IMO. I feel I have made it clear that some of her actions I cannot tolerate yet she still does them. Today is Mother's Day and I still had the kids help me make her a homemade card which she loved. She is a completely different person today. Confuses me how she can go from spewing such vitriol one night to being June Cleaver the next morning.
So I've been thinking about the unconditional love comment and it made me realize that what I've become is codependent. I am realizing now that everything I do is based upon whether it will make her happy or not. Sometimes my only two choices are both wrong.
Today was a good day (and Mothers Day) so I'm going to try and talk to her about this tomorrow if I can.
IMO, and based om what I have read, the idea of "Unconditional Love" is just a setup for disaster. Marriage is a relationship between equals, not parent/child, or human/pet... It is an agreement
to love based on certain conditions (the marriage vows.)
Who doesn't want to be loved unconditionally? How luxurious and self indulgent! But there is no such thing as unconditional love. If your spouse cheats on you are you required to love them? If your spouse beats you, are you required to love them? If your spouse spends you into the poor house, abandons you, lies to you, yells at you in front of their friends
, are you required to love them?
Is she loving you unconditionally? It does not sound like it.
As a menopausal woman, I really feel for your wife. But she has got to get her rage and emotions under control if she wants to stay married. That is on her. Don't word anything in the disrespect sarcastic manner that I am using here, but when you talk to her, I suggest you give her the clear message:
Sorry sweetheart, but there ain't no such thing as unconditional love. If there was, you'd love me unconditionally and never yell at me or get mad at me again, wouldn't you? Every time you hurt me, you kill some of my love for you and you need to understand, it is running out. The more you abuse me the more I feel I would be happier away from you.