sole provider = how much say do i have? - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 04:13 PM Thread Starter
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sole provider = how much say do i have?

Gonna try and not make a long post with this. Hopefully bullet points can make this short and sweet.

-we both worked until she got pregnant
-we decided she could stay home and raise kid (eventually 2 kids) the way we wanted and I would provide financially
-now 7 and 3 yr olds and wife has become depressed/anxious/hypothyroid (recently she has discovered)
-gained weight, doesn't clean, tired, no sex, yells and screams at kids
-texts me almost daily while im at work how hard things are
-we've done counseling, sorta helping
-on my time off I take care of kids, play, clean the house a lot
-she sleeps a lot (or at least tries to)
-financially we are good. if we sell our house I will have 200+k in my pocket and zero debt
-I hate my job/profession. I want to be happy. right now I am not happy at work and when I go home im not happy being around her negativity (the kids make it worth it for me though)
-when she complains about how hard the kids are I have offered to stay home while she goes to work which is met with a "im too tired and sick to work"
-ive offered to sell our house and move somewhere where we can buy a house in full in cash and have no mortgage and no debt therefore I can go down to part time to help out with kids more and I can be happier. or also I could find a job that pays way less but is more along my passions in life (ie. it's not a job if you enjoy it right?) but she wants land and horses and animals.
-too tired to work, too tired to clean house, too tired to take care of kids but not too tired to get a horse?

I've given her many opportunities/ideas where she can help provide for the dreams she wants. I have dreams too. I'd love for both of us to achieve our dreams but we both have to work for it. she told me if I went down to part time then there goes "my dream of ever owning a horse". I am thinking she's grown accustomed of this lifestyle.

How much bargaining power do I have here?

thanks!

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post #2 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 04:56 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

How long has it been since her hypothyroidism was diagnosed?

Is she taking medications?
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post #3 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 04:59 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

Your wife sounds depressed. Is the counseling for her own issues or just the marriage? How was she, before the marriage, with shared responsibilities?
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post #4 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 05:00 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

Bargaining power for what? You can divorce her. If the house in your name or joint? If your name, you can sell it and move to a smaller house.

The horse thing is not going to happen. She cannot even take care of what you currently have and anything new means YOU have to take care of that too.

The depressed/anxious/hypothyroid needs to get under control. Everything else could be related to that. Her doctor may have to adjust or change her anti-depressants. A med change made a big difference for my wife.

Last edited by blueinbr; 04-13-2016 at 05:43 PM.
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post #5 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 05:07 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 5280 View Post
-now 7 and 3 yr olds and wife has become depressed/anxious/hypothyroid (recently she has discovered)
-gained weight, doesn't clean, tired, no sex, yells and screams at kids
Being depressed, gaining weight, low drive, low sex drive, being tired are all classic symptoms of hypothyroidism.

With proper medication the symptoms should go away, except if there are other simultanous issues (depression or she just does not give a sh!t).
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post #6 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 05:08 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

Are you afraid to enforce boundaries?
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post #7 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 05:35 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks for the reponses! She is seeing a naturopath for her hypothyroidism and trying to fix her levels, trying to fix her adrenals, etc. I let her spend whatever she needs on her meds and therapy because i want her to be happy and healthy again. Even though she's always been quick tempered and confrontational this whole situation for her has really brought out the worst. I think positively about things whereas she's always thinking of the negatives. She always has issues with our neighbors but they all wave and say hi to me. Just one example of how we approach things differently. I don't want to divorce. I want her to get better but I also don't want her to overdictate..

I'm just wondering if I put my foot down and said, I'm quitting my high paying job that is killing my soul and taking a lower paying menial job that makes me smile and to do that we will buy something more affordable so i can do that... Would that be fair?

I told her that perhaps she could volunteer or work part time at a local stable so she can be around horses which makes her happy. And in the future when we can afford it she can get her horse. I just get eye rolls or snarky comments about how it's not the same thing.
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post #8 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 05:45 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

Yes it would be fair. You are her husband, not her ATM.
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post #9 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 05:50 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 5280 View Post
Thanks for the reponses! She is seeing a naturopath for her hypothyroidism and trying to fix her levels, trying to fix her adrenals, etc. I let her spend whatever she needs on her meds and therapy because i want her to be happy and healthy again.
So she is not getting thyroid hormone replacement therapy? What is she getting?
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post #10 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 05:56 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

@5280 quote:

She is seeing a naturopath for her hypothyroidism and trying to fix her levels, trying to fix her adrenals, etc.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ___________________________________________

Is this person she is seeing an M.D. or someone who is affiliated with some other.... group. A health food vendor?

I would go to a specialist, a Medical Doctor who specializes in Internal Medicine for her meds. A licensed dietician could help with her diet. The others are not going to be able to do the blood work and other tests to determine her specialized health needs regimen.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

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post #11 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 08:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

She's been taking her synthroid for years, supposedly her latest levels are within range. She eats a very restricted diet, gluten free, etc. trying to get her health back on track. She's trying to detox as well to clear certain metals from her body. Again this is all from the directives of her naturopath. I will be the first to admit that I should be more involved with this aspect of her life. I have been trusting that she is doing what she feels is right. But I'd like to have her see a medical doctor as well to get that perspective as well.

But back on topic...
Other than that she isn't a very spendy wife so I am thankful for that. I've made the right moves at the right times mostly and thus have put ourselves into a decent position now monetarily. Not rich by any means but not struggling either. As I mentioned in the original post, I don't have any debt besides mortgage and if I sell the house I will pocket around 200k or more. I want to be debt free (don't we all?!). I don't want to get a place where I have to finance another 30yrs. I want to get a small condo (preferably near a ski resort so that I could get some sort of job in that industry). If I could get something with minimal or no mortgage and having zero debt I could then get a job doing something ski related which is my passion. But that would mean she "gives up her dreams" as she would put it. I did get through to her the other day that achieving dreams shouldn't be relied upon others to make happen.

Oh well, I want to just do it but could I live with the repercussions at home if I did? I dunno.

Thanks for the advice all.
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post #12 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 09:08 PM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

A horse costs as much as a standard car, if not even more in some cases, not to mention time, they are living animals, and deserve a solid home, not a home already torn apart by issues.
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post #13 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 01:53 AM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 5280 View Post
Thanks for the reponses! She is seeing a naturopath for her hypothyroidism and trying to fix her levels, trying to fix her adrenals, etc. I let her spend whatever she needs on her meds and therapy because i want her to be happy and healthy again. Even though she's always been quick tempered and confrontational this whole situation for her has really brought out the worst. I think positively about things whereas she's always thinking of the negatives. She always has issues with our neighbors but they all wave and say hi to me. Just one example of how we approach things differently. I don't want to divorce. I want her to get better but I also don't want her to overdictate..

I'm just wondering if I put my foot down and said, I'm quitting my high paying job that is killing my soul and taking a lower paying menial job that makes me smile and to do that we will buy something more affordable so i can do that... Would that be fair?

I told her that perhaps she could volunteer or work part time at a local stable so she can be around horses which makes her happy. And in the future when we can afford it she can get her horse. I just get eye rolls or snarky comments about how it's not the same thing.
Do you talk to her likes this?

What decisions do you allow her to make?

Have you heard of Covert Contracts? It's worth a google search...

What else is going on? Because frankly...you sound just awesome..great money...everyone loves you...your upbeat...Yiou can't just be all rainbows and unicorns....maybe you are...just doesn't seem likely

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #14 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 02:10 AM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 5280 View Post
Gonna try and not make a long post with this. Hopefully bullet points can make this short and sweet.
How much bargaining power do I have here?
thanks!
A lot of bargaining power, depending on what state you live in. Remember the Golden Rule; “Him what has the gold makes the rules.” You are right, she has gotten very complacent. Has she started medication for the thyroid? That will only help partially, she has to get up and get going. Once she is in motion it will be easier for her to stay in motion. The longer she lays about the more stagnant she will be. You say you’ve gone to counseling, did you have to drag her there, kicking and screaming? If so that tells me that she is not interested in fixing any problems. Has her attitude gotten more and more negative in general? She may be wallowing in victim hood; “I could have had a career, I could have had a pony, I coulda been a contender…” As much as I hate the idea of divorce you may have to float that balloon. Tell her she is not good for the kids this way-or for you, either. You are doing a job you hate to provide for her and she is not bringing anything to the table but negativity and self-pity. Suggest a trial separation to see how things go.
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post #15 of 96 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 02:28 AM
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Re: sole provider = how much say do i have?

[QUOTE=WhyMe66;15451257]A lot of bargaining power, depending on what state you live in. Remember the Golden Rule; “Him what has the gold makes the rules.” You are right, she has gotten very complacent. Has she started medication for the thyroid? That will only help partially, she has to get up and get going. Once she is in motion it will be easier for her to stay in motion. The longer she lays about the more stagnant she will be. You say you’ve gone to counseling, did you have to drag her there, kicking and screaming? If so that tells me that she is not interested in fixing any problems. Has her attitude gotten more and more negative in general? She may be wallowing in victim hood; “I could have had a career, I could have had a pony, I coulda been a contender…” As much as I hate the idea of divorce you may have to float that balloon. Tell her she is not good for the kids this way-or for you, either. You are doing a job you hate to provide for her and she is not bringing anything to the table but negativity and self-pity. Suggest a trial separation to see how things go.[/QUOTE]

If she really is depressed, that quick and harsh move) could put right into some dark territory...

I think we need to hear quite a bit more info from OP....Like the rest of the story

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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