Most everyone knows that the schooling and work required to become a doctor is more difficult than any other career field choice. It's twice as difficult when you have to balance reaching your goals with having a family. Your priority has been on you making it through medical school. Your wife's priority has been on raising the family and supporting you through medical school. Now that you're done with school, she wants to make herself a priority. You want her to continue to make you, and your career, a priority. IMO, regardless of the 'planning' and 'agreements' you had 4 years ago, what you are asking for seems unfair. It's not unfair that you are clearly communicating the financial situation to her. It's unfair that you are telling her how you want her to support the family so that you are not inconvenienced.
For eg. you stated
Its hard to talk some times because instead a regular conversation she will begin to get upset and like yesterday she said ok i will quit school and work wvery sat and sun night and she told me not to make olans for the 2 of us for weekends anylonger....
She offered to work on the weekends to make the money to support the family but that won't work for you because you want her to be available weekend nights to spend time with you on your
schedule. So again, you (and your career) are the priority. She has to work around your and the kids schedules.
I am not mandating anyone do anything which is why i didnt stop/discourage wife fron pursuing school.
But you are. You are asking her to give up her class so that she can pick up a full time job during the hours she would normally be attending school.
I mean that doesnt sound like a balanced convwrsation
I came out feeling like a villain for lack of a better word
It's not a balanced conversation because yours is not a balanced relationship. The priority is you and your career. You went into medical school because you wanted to become a doctor. This was a personal goal.
Ask yourself who's making her a priority? It's not you. It's not the kids. So who? The reason you feel like a villain is because on a deeper level, you probably can empathize with her.
This doesnt feel like teamwork here!
If you want it to feel like teamwork then you're going to have to start communicating with your wife as a team. Instead of telling
her what she needs to do, why don't you discuss the financial situation, give her the budget rundown, and ask her what she thinks you BOTH can do to bridge the budget deficit?