Question about situation - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #16 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 07:24 PM
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Re: Question about situation

You are on a clear path. Her's is not a clear path. While I too like a plan, it's doesn't always turn out like we plan. Conundrum huh! I get the life of a resident. I saw what my mom sacrificed for my dad. Our life revolved around my dads doctor schedule. I truly get the intensity of your job, but I also know the failure rate of marriages among doctors. Part is because the all consuming job and the toll it takes on the partner and family. There has to be a way to come up with a solution. It's $416/month for her school. How much does she bring in a month?

You sound like a very black and white person (no judgement, a lot of people are) but this a grey area in my book. In the last four years, it sound like her perspective has changed.

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post #17 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 07:34 PM Thread Starter
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Her school is mostly paid by her $ from pt job. She is a server at a restorant. Actually good money for the hours worked!

She makes 1k and says she puts all toward home - likely an exageration as she managed to pay school. I agree we will sit down again do finances figure what it is we both spend and bring in.

Its hard to talk some times because instead a regular conversation she will begin to get upset and like yesterday she said ok i will quit school and work wvery sat and sun night and she told me not to make olans for the 2 of us for weekends anylonger....

I mean that doesnt sound like a balanced convwrsation

I came out feeling like a villain for lack of a better word

I will try to see the numbers again! Thx for the msg shiksa and everyone on the board!
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post #18 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 11:54 PM Thread Starter
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So i got home did a little digging around and found we can sell the car and buy smaller mazda and safe almost 500 with insurance finance and gas...

Told my wife.... Didnt even look at me lol. I am getting the cold shoulder today similar to when we have a fight.

In passing yesterday, she mentioned that last summer she spent 1400 on day camps for kids. I was aware they went but then asked why she didnt bring this up during tax filing as we can receive credit for this sort of payment. She forgot whichbis fine. Today i asked if ahe has a chance if she could locate thise receipts i could send in an amendment and this could represent an extra 150-200$. She found online receipts but then said she doesnt know how to save to desktop. I said ok i can do it later... She said she doesnt remember how she got to pge and will not look for it again!

Wtf!

Dont understand this.

This doesnt feel like teamwork here!
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post #19 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 07:09 AM
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Re: Question about situation

She is not communicating.

"Wife, help me understand what is happening."

If she denies:

"I am not okay with you telling me everything is fine when it is clearly not."

Then shut your mouth and listen.

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post #20 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 08:02 AM
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Re: Question about situation

Forcing her to work? Life forces us to work. Choosing to have kids who eat and need clothes and a roof forces us to work. Work isn't punishment, it's a fact of life. It sounds very much like people not related to you have funded your family thus far (student loans, lines of credit, scholarships). You will presumably pay that money back with interest at some point, but someone else earned the money that has fed and sheltered your family to this point (from what you told us). You apparently thought you had a financial plan that both you had agreed to and were committed to. Obviously, you don't.

If you have survived medical school you have contributed plenty to your family. Graduating medical school has been your primary job and washing dishes and sweeping floors won't pay the family nearly as much as your future earnings will. Your time was wisely invested. If your wife can expect a similar return after she graduates her 2 year course, maybe her investment is worth it. That's likely not the case, so she needs to get to work. Kids are in school by now so there's no reason not to. She might be interested in Scandinavian Flower Arranging or whatever she's taking but bills need to be paid. Once you get past Residency and start making real money she can enjoy some of the fruits. That fruit would include luxury time to take college courses just for fun.

I'd suggest you sit her down and get a budget in writing detailing both of your expected contributions. You don't want any more confusion in the future about what the plan is or who will doing what. There will be no accusations or guilt about someone making her do something. The plan will be one she's agreed to, so it's her plan.
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post #21 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 09:49 AM
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Re: Question about situation

Most everyone knows that the schooling and work required to become a doctor is more difficult than any other career field choice. It's twice as difficult when you have to balance reaching your goals with having a family. Your priority has been on you making it through medical school. Your wife's priority has been on raising the family and supporting you through medical school. Now that you're done with school, she wants to make herself a priority. You want her to continue to make you, and your career, a priority. IMO, regardless of the 'planning' and 'agreements' you had 4 years ago, what you are asking for seems unfair. It's not unfair that you are clearly communicating the financial situation to her. It's unfair that you are telling her how you want her to support the family so that you are not inconvenienced.

For eg. you stated

Quote:
Originally Posted by familyguyy View Post
Its hard to talk some times because instead a regular conversation she will begin to get upset and like yesterday she said ok i will quit school and work wvery sat and sun night and she told me not to make olans for the 2 of us for weekends anylonger....
She offered to work on the weekends to make the money to support the family but that won't work for you because you want her to be available weekend nights to spend time with you on your schedule. So again, you (and your career) are the priority. She has to work around your and the kids schedules.

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I am not mandating anyone do anything which is why i didnt stop/discourage wife fron pursuing school.
But you are. You are asking her to give up her class so that she can pick up a full time job during the hours she would normally be attending school.

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I mean that doesnt sound like a balanced convwrsation

I came out feeling like a villain for lack of a better word
It's not a balanced conversation because yours is not a balanced relationship. The priority is you and your career. You went into medical school because you wanted to become a doctor. This was a personal goal.

Ask yourself who's making her a priority? It's not you. It's not the kids. So who? The reason you feel like a villain is because on a deeper level, you probably can empathize with her.

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This doesnt feel like teamwork here!
If you want it to feel like teamwork then you're going to have to start communicating with your wife as a team. Instead of telling her what she needs to do, why don't you discuss the financial situation, give her the budget rundown, and ask her what she thinks you BOTH can do to bridge the budget deficit?
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post #22 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 11:32 AM
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Re: Question about situation

Listen to Lila.....this marriage is very skewed toward you and your priorities. I get that you're planning to support the family with but it's also a personal goal for you.

She doesn't get such a goal because everything is about you and your goal.

And she pretty much picks up everything at home because you're not there most of the time.

I'm guessing you don't spend much time together?

This situation is so ripe for one of you to meet someone else.

She sounds very overwhelmed and probably feels like she isn't much of a priority.
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post #23 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 11:39 AM
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Re: Question about situation

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Originally Posted by familyguyy View Post
So i got home did a little digging around and found we can sell the car and buy smaller mazda and safe almost 500 with insurance finance and gas...

Told my wife.... Didnt even look at me lol. I am getting the cold shoulder today similar to when we have a fight.

In passing yesterday, she mentioned that last summer she spent 1400 on day camps for kids. I was aware they went but then asked why she didnt bring this up during tax filing as we can receive credit for this sort of payment. She forgot whichbis fine. Today i asked if ahe has a chance if she could locate thise receipts i could send in an amendment and this could represent an extra 150-200$. She found online receipts but then said she doesnt know how to save to desktop. I said ok i can do it later... She said she doesnt remember how she got to pge and will not look for it again!

Wtf!

Dont understand this.

This doesnt feel like teamwork here!
I feel really bad for you. I know how it feels to have to do everything in the household and have your wife not do a damn thing. You are becoming a doctor ...which is amazing... and she can't even help with finances necessary to make this happen. Does she understand if you help you do this you will be very well off in the future? She can't even spend a couple of minutes to get you the receipt for the kids camp. I really have to question her judgement on sending the kids to camp in the first place. If you have low income, there's really no money for an expensive kids camp like this. We never had the money to do this.

Making you feel like the villian is also not acceptable either. Again if she helps you, the whole family benefits when you graduate.

I think that you will have to have a serious discussion with her and tell her if she is not willing to cooperate then you can't move forward with her. I seriously don't believe she know just how great she has it. I remember when I was going to school, their were women literally lined up by the med school dorm trying to get a chance to meet/date one of the med students.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #24 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 02:15 PM Thread Starter
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Inthink you have it a bit wrong. First im not telling her to spend time with me, we had plans this weekend but because of our conversation she cancelled and is trying to work. I am not telling her to work, i was bring up an issue which is our budget which is short by 1000-1500/ monthly starting in june. We have had this convo before where she agreed to contribute $ starting june2016.
In terms of prioritizing yes med school is busy, residency will be too, yes it is a goal of mine yesyes... But it is a goal that is going to help us all financilly and give my kids and wife financial opportunies we did not have growing up. So it is a family goal... A goal which has been discussed and yes sacrifice was made from all.

I encouraged her on many occasion to prioritize self, to grow etc... In fact going to school would have been perfect at this time... Bht it is not what you but how you do it sometimes.

She could have studied at a acceedited school or program and received finding/loans and grants for low income. She choose to enroll in a non acceedited program when there was an option for a crdited. I informed her of that but didnt "tell her" not to because i trusted our plan that we both discussed on many occasions.

To be clear, she never gave up a career for me to go to school. She had quit working two years prior which was a great decision as our kids surely benefit from being with mom

As for priority, i am generally the one trying to plan things for us as i am a believer of the importance of couples time together
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post #25 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 02:19 PM Thread Starter
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About the teamwork comment- not sure what else to do when we sit down to talk number and she isnt interested in that, she makes agreements and then at last minute essentially says she doesnt know what to do. To be clear i have not told her she must quit school and/or find a job. But i did indicate we need money to balance our budget.

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post #26 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 03:05 PM
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Re: Question about situation

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Originally Posted by familyguyy View Post
Lila
Inthink you have it a bit wrong. First im not telling her to spend time with me, we had plans this weekend but because of our conversation she cancelled and is trying to work. I am not telling her to work, i was bring up an issue which is our budget which is short by 1000-1500/ monthly starting in june.
You're talking in circles. On one hand you are telling your wife that she doesn't have to work but on the other hand you're telling her that you're going to have a budget shortfall of 1,000-1,500 starting in June.....and she has to get a full time job to make up the difference. So which is it?

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In terms of prioritizing yes med school is busy, residency will be too, yes it is a goal of mine yesyes... But it is a goal that is going to help us all financilly and give my kids and wife financial opportunies we did not have growing up. So it is a family goal... A goal which has been discussed and yes sacrifice was made from all.
Have you talked to your wife lately about your 'family' goal? She may be feeling like the 'family' goal is looking more and more like a 'familyguyy' goal with your wife doing all of the sacrificing. She may be feeling taken for granted. She may also be realizing that divorce is not an uncommon occurrence for couples where one partner is putting the other through the medical program. She may be asking herself "what'll happen to me if he dumps me while in residency?". When you ask her about her feelings on the subject, don't interrupt her, and don't be defensive. Instead, try listening to what she's telling you.

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I encouraged her on many occasion to prioritize self, to grow etc... In fact going to school would have been perfect at this time... Bht it is not what you but how you do it sometimes.

She could have studied at a acceedited school or program and received finding/loans and grants for low income. She choose to enroll in a non acceedited program when there was an option for a crdited. I informed her of that but didnt "tell her" not to because i trusted our plan that we both discussed on many occasions.
I thought you said that her school was paid for with the money she'd saved? If so, why does it matter which school she goes to? Will you have to pay for any of it?

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As for priority, i am generally the one trying to plan things for us as i am a believer of the importance of couples time together
I think it's great that you plan things for you and your wife to do as a couple, however, if you are asking her to come up extra $$$, then to avoid resentment from her, you need to let her decide how best to do that. She may decide that since your schedule is going to so crazy anyways, she can just work longer hours at the restaurant on the weekends. She gets to keep going to school 2 days a week, while still managing to bring home the $1,500 - $2,000 a month extra for the budget. Unfortunately, this may conflict with some of those times when you two would normally be doing couple's things together but it's a fair compromise. It's part of the sacrifices you make when your family goal is for you to become a doctor.
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post #27 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 04:15 PM Thread Starter
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I never said dont work or work fulltime... She already works makes about 1k and keeps for self... I told her that we will need her help with the budget which means her contributing her earning so whether that is thru extra work or existing hours thats up to her.

Yes shes paying for her school but does make a difference as if she got a loan she would have a significant grant thus pay less which is generally better for whole family, she would also get more thus be better able add to family expenses.

I am not upset about us spending less time due to work i was simply highlighting the reaction when i raised the budget shortfall
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post #28 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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"Familyguyy goal" not sure what to make of that. It is certainly my goal, but a goal never the less that will benefit the fam - a few tough years then a more certain future.

I should probably mention despite school i have not been an absentee father/husband... Never missed important fam occasion. Most weekends been home. We have invested in vacations three yrs in a row. I supprted her sister to live with us from another country 4 years ago- she is still in the city tho living elsewhere. When possible drive/pick up kids.

Most importantly Leaving my work at work and fully attending to family while at home

Yes quantity not there but family time quality is
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post #29 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 04:47 PM
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Re: Question about situation

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I never said dont work or work fulltime... She already works makes about 1k and keeps for self... I told her that we will need her help with the budget which means her contributing her earning so whether that is thru extra work or existing hours thats up to her.

Yes shes paying for her school but does make a difference as if she got a loan she would have a significant grant thus pay less which is generally better for whole family, she would also get more thus be better able add to family expenses.

I am not upset about us spending less time due to work i was simply highlighting the reaction when i raised the budget shortfall
Okay, I think finally understand your situation. You are asking her to come up with the budget shortfall. How she does it, you don't care. She has a choice :

a) she can take the money she currently earns doing her part-time job, which she partially uses to fund her college education, and use it to pay for family bills. But if she uses the money to help pay for the bills, then she's obviously not going to be able to continue going to school.

-or-

b) work more hours (full-time job) so that she can afford both the school and financially support the family.

familyyguy, I would leave it up to her to decide how she wishes to contribute to the family expenses. She has many options. I'm sure she'll figure it out by the time June rolls around. In the meantime, don't bring this up again. It's only going to cause resentment to grow.
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post #30 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-21-2016, 05:18 PM Thread Starter
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Hi lila thanks .... She is only taking a short program mostly paid for now which costs 200/ month so plenty of money left over but says she puts the remaining towrds our family - i dont question that as it would be hard to verify anyway as she mostly has cash from tips.

I tried not mentioning this whole budget but then this all happen where she shrugged shoulders saying she doesnt know how to contrubute

Anyways im sure it wwill work out
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