Question about situation - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 01:04 PM Thread Starter
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Question about situation

Hi
I am hoping to get feedback on our situation. Married with 2 kids (8,7). I just graduated medical school. Throughout med school i have supported family financially through student loans, lines of credit and bursaries and scholarships. My wife has not had to cntribute to budget has a job partime when kids in school to have for herself - but often uses that money for the home. I am ok with this. Other than that she takes kids to activities, is taking a course and takes care of home.

I am starting residency in july and we have had the discusiion for years that once i am done school we will need additional money from her employment to make budget work. Residency pays but we will be alittle short. We have cut down to minimal expenses. Now fastforward to today and we are in a position where she doesnt know how she can provide a portion of the budget. We are talking 1000-1500 monthly. She signed up for a 2-year course in september so her time is even more limited. We knew this would be the situation, i raised the money convaersation frequently but it fees to me she wasnt listening. Now not sure what to do... She is asking what i want her to do? do i want her to quit school, etc... I feel i am forcing her to work when thats not the case we agreed to her returni g to workforce this year. Not sure what to do.

Part of me feels this attititude is her issue and not to be upset by it, but ultimately we need to pay bills and i am not sure how without her contribution.

Thoughts would be appreciated

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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 02:06 PM
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Re: Question about situation

Why did she sign up for a 2 year course when she knew she would have to work? Did you address this with her?
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 02:23 PM Thread Starter
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She is interested in the topic. I I also thought it was poor timing especially that there is now funding available for her school. It is only 2 days weekly. I didnt confront her as i also go to school and have been supported by her. The thing is my education has allowed me to provide for my family financially otherwise no way i vould do it.
I feel now i am villainized for "making" her go to work although she has not stated it this way
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 02:27 PM Thread Starter
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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 02:33 PM
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Re: Question about situation

You've been way to easy on her. She has to realize she has responsibilities in the marriage to. Not just you. The money they give you through residency is not meant to be able to provide for a family so it's definitely her responsibility to help out. She has to be prepared to do what she has to, quit school, quit fun things she did with her money...whatever it is. I think now that you've been so easy on her she thinks that if she complains you'll find a way to let her do what she wants. If she's not willing to do this I would let her know that there will be consequences such as divorce.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 02:37 PM
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Re: Question about situation

based on what you've posted, I'd lay out 2 scenarios for her

1. she continues with her schooling and you reduce expenses to make up the shortfall. this may involve you moving to a cheaper place to live and giving up other comforts. It may be disruptive to the whole family. she will need to decide if her desire to not work and go to school instead is worth the cost.

2. she puts the schooling on hold and goes back to work as originally planned. tell her that once you are on firmer financial footing, you can explore her continuing her education and cutting back on work.

based on what you've described, it sounds like she is putting her head in the sand and wants to avoid the consequences of her dropping the financial ball.

make sure she understands that if she insists on continuing in this direction, that she will own the results, which mean some increased sacrifice of the whole family.
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 02:57 PM
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Re: Question about situation

What are you contributions in the home?

I ask because we all know how demanding med school and residency is so I'm wondering if basically all of the household and kid responsibilities fall to her in addition to the work you're asking of her.

Just trying to get a sense of the balance here.
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 03:47 PM
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Re: Question about situation

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Originally Posted by familyguyy View Post
Throughout med school i have supported family financially through student loans, lines of credit and bursaries and scholarships.
Why doesn't your wife do the same thing you did that you did while you were in medical school to support the family financial? She can apply for student loans, lines of credit, and scholarships and use the money to put herself through school as well as cover the 1,500 per month you need.
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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks for reply! My contribution is all finances, i have generally been home by dinner and most weekends through med school, less in 3rd year, home more in 4th year. When home i do what anything that needs doing dinner, dishes, hang w kids, bath, bed etc... I manage finances, book keep, taxes etc... On weekends when home i stay home with kids so wife can work.

My wife though runs house day to day: kids up and to school, picks up, shops, takes them to activities (ballet, football). In the 6 hours they r in school she goes to work 3 days a week x 4 hrs, school 2 days x6 hours). When im not home in evening she does dinr baths bed etc... Thats basically our life.
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 04:06 PM
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Re: Question about situation

to be honest, sounds like she already has a pretty tough schedule. I got the impression she wasn't working outside of the home at all. but it seems she's already working part time, plus doing all of the mom duties.

on her school attendance, is the issue the cost of the education itself, or the fact that the education doesn't allow her to work more?

If it's the latter, then I'm not sure you are being totally fair. Add it up: she's got primary childcare duty for pretty young kids, plus already working part time. She does deserve a little bit of time for herself and if she wants to spend it taking classes (and you can afford it), that seems reasonable.

On the other hand, if you really cannot afford the classes, she should find another way to spend her free time until your finances improve. Or she should be willing to sacrifice some other stuff to free up cash for the classes.

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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 04:24 PM Thread Starter
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I am fortunate to have the time i have with my family given the demanding career. Residency will be busy but these are things we have discussed no surprise
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 04:26 PM
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Re: Question about situation

@familyguyy, Why can't your wife apply for student loans, financial aid, and scholarships the same way you did while you were in medical school?
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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 05:27 PM Thread Starter
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My wife is taking a single class thus would not be eligible for any funding. Her pt job is 12 h per week while kids in school thisnis for her spending though she says it goes for stuff for family.

Point is we had discussed this yearly since 4 yeears ago. I can cover finances for 4 yes med school but budget will need her help during residency.

She was on board now says she doesnt know how

Cost is 5k for school which mostly oaid now by her.

I did suggest herbtaking a similar program accredited to be eligible for loans but she didnt want that which is a shame as portion of loan wpuld be forgived becaise low income status.

I know she does alot but so do i, we both do! But it was our agreement now she cant.

I understand its hard finding good job in the hours kids are in achool exactly bit many do it- not sure how
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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 06:58 PM
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Re: Question about situation

You are asking her to put herself on the back burner while you pursue your career. You talked about it four years ago. Things change, especially with kids. You need to figure this out with your wife, not mandate it. She needs to be happy too. She also needs to further her education, which as you have pointed out for yourself, will enhance finances.

It is very difficult to find a decent paying job during school hours, and one that is flexible with sick kids etc. in many ways, being married to a resident is like being a single mom. She is the default parent.

Have you ever had the kids all to yourself for an entire weekend? If not, you have no clue the sacrifice moms make at the expense of themselves. Sounds like it is important to her, so work together and come up with a solution. It's not just about money. Look at the budget, figure it out and show her SHE is important. I bet if you take a different view, she will be more willing to compromise and find a solution with you. You might have to work a little harder to help out while she works evenings or weekends.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 07:09 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks shiksa ... I sense a little bit of antagonism there... Not my intent.

Yes i have taken the kids very often... Yes i realize it is difficult, i realize finding a job during work hours is tough. I have zero problems doing what needs to be done when at home. My schedule is going to be a challenge with both hours or work as well as different schedule monthly. Nothing i can do about that.

I am not mandating anyone do anything which is why i didnt stop/discourage wife fron pursuing school.

I want her to pursue a satisfying career, to invest in Herself etc... No issues. But it comes down to numbers in this case - there is no way i can shoulder our budget while in residnecy working 60-80 hr/week. He have had this discussion and planned for this... If things change whats the point of planning.

I personally cannot imagine deciding to start medicine with out a financial game plan... If i could not access funding there would be no med school simple because i need a way to live

Same for her i would think, no?

My question here is whether it is ok for one partner to simply change the game plan raise their hands shrug and say i dont know what to do at essentially last minute... when we had planned this in the past??
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