Tommy509

My wife makes more than I do. I make about $65k and she about $120k. After health ins, 401k and the usual taxes and deductions, my net is about $2800/mth, and hers about (I think) $4800/mth, totaling about $7600 per month. I give her $1500/mth and she pays all the bills except my car payment/ins and cable/phone/internet. Our house payment is about $2500/mth. Loose arithmetic indicates that she should have about $3800/mth after the house payment to pay remaining the energy and misc bills, and I am left with about $1300/mth to pay my bills.

Here's the thing. The kids had gone to private school (her choice and overrated, btw) and she was paying that bill, but now the kids are all done with college and I'm still paying her the $1500. Whenever I ask her about where our money us going or anything specific about finances, she gets defensive and angry. We keep separate bank accounts, and I never attempt to hide anything from her. She collects our tax info for the accountant and knows where my money is, but locks up her bank account info and won't give me a straight answer about how much she has or where it's being spent.

Is this normal? Is everyone else completely open about their marital finances? If something happened to her, I would have no idea where our money is.

Thanks in advance.
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omega

Hmm... well, it's not how we do things, but I guess that doesn't make it abnormal. Even so, I don't like the part where she locks up her bank account info and you don't know what's going on.

As far as how we do it, we do joint everything (the 'his money is our money, my money is our money, our money is our money' system). And in fact we are 100% full disclosure, every penny is recorded on paper (that's my job) because we are in major frugal mode trying to save for some major things. He gives me all receipts for things he spends on and I record his plus mine on a weekly budget chart which is kept in a notebook that we are both welcome to look at, at any time.

Your post is actually a big part of why I don't understand separate accounts unless there is some logistical reason for them. Our household simply would not function if we had to divide up bills. Who pays for the house phone we both use? Who pays for food? The one who eats it or the one who cooks it for the other one? It's too hard and it's too prone to causing problems.

However, we don't use the money we each make the same way. My husband's salary generally goes toward expenses, and mine generally goes toward savings, but of course some months we put more into savings if we can (using his) and some months some of mine goes into expenses - but it's all OUR savings and OUR expenses, if that makes sense. We just do it that way because his salary is more stable month to month whereas mine is related to how much work I get and can be really high one month and really low the next.

SimplyAmorous

Me & my husband is like Omegas post....the "his money is my money, my money is his money" type philosophy.

My husband earns less than you and I don't even work (though have had odd jobs in the past throughout our marriage) , he allows me to watch over very dime. I balance the shared checkbook, write out every bill, he lets me decide how much to take out of his pay for the Credit Union, which CD's to sock our $$ into, which credit cards to get in our names , all of it.

He has total trust cause I am even cheaper than him , I watch over every dime & make sure it is spent wisely -and gets a return if it can.

If I made more $$ than my husband (which will never happen anyway)... I could ONLY see doing what your wife is doing (minus the secretive nature of it) ....if I felt my husband was getting carried away with his purchases, buying foolishly, in excess, wasting our $$, being undisciplined with it - to where it was biting into our agreed savings for our future together, our families goals, shared dreams.

Outside of this scenerio, it makes little sense to me. It appears far too shrouded in secrecy. What other secrets does she keep?

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that_girl

Pretty much.

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F-102

Could it be that she is socking away this "sap money" for the day she tells you she is leaving you?

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deejov

I am similar. I make more money than my hubby, we have our own bank accounts, and we split the house costs 50\50. That being said, because I make more money, I have more "free cash" to spend. So I get stuck paying for car repairs, house repairs, every single little thing that happens.

why don't I share what's going on?
Because my H pays his half of the bills, and then blows every last penny of his cheques on "toys". Bikes, skateboards, remote cars, you name it. He is lousy, awful with money. I won't let him near my bank account. And he hates it. Same as OP.

Well, guess what? I went to night school. I worked very long hours. I have earned my nice big pay cheques. I deserve it. And I'm not about to give it away to someone who is 40, has no college education, and quits jobs every year. If he wants more money... finish your trade certificate, get a better job, earn it just like I did.
Jealousy versus laziness. You get back what you put in.

Tommy509

Your model of all money is family money is certainly a more wholesome way to do it. There are likely bigger issues here. I've always thought that she doesn't really trust me and have confronted her about it. Of course, she insists that she does trust me, but her actions aren't consistent. Until last year, my only bank and credit accounts were joint and hers were all individual. I finally cancelled the joint accounts and put the funds in my name because I felt vulnerable and wanted my own credit. I have my own savings, checking and credit cards. I generally pay the big ticket house repairs and we share food and entertainment. I'm generally more frugal than her and have a decent savings. We've had compatibility issues for years and I have not been happy for some time. I think she knows that and is insecure about the marriage. That said, I don’t hide any finances from her. I’ve even suggested that I take over the bill paying and she can write me a check, but she won’t consider it. “Sap money” is always a possibility, but I don’t think she’d ever leave. She really does try to make me happy, but our issues go pretty deep. We each have our own 401k, but our retirement company stock is in her name, so even if we split, I’d have little claim to it. I wouldn’t want it or her 401k anyway. I guess it’s something we need to sit down and discuss, among other things. Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it.

WhereAmI

Our finances aren't separate at all. We have joint savings, joint checking, and joint CC. For the first few years of our M I was making more. Now I'm a SAHM. All income is shared no matter who earns more.
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FirstYearDown

My husband earns A LOT more, so he pays for a lot more things, which is only fair. Even after I finish my course that will increase what I earn, my salary will still be less than half of what my husband makes.

I am well aware of the debt that he is in and he is aware of mine. We do not have joint accounts; I am not good with money, except when I am saving towards a specific goal.

Money is shared in our marriage.

expatforlife

As of close to three years ago, I quit working and now just a SAHW at my husband request. He makes a good salary. I have complete control over our finances. I do all the budgeting, paying the bills and everything related.

Previously when we worked I made half as much as him and it was never an issue. It all went into the same account and what was left over was play money. Back then we would switch every two years who was responsible for paying bills and such. Money is money is our house, its neither his or mine.

Malibu

My husband is actually the one who earns all the money, and does all the bills, although that's not the way I necessarily want it. He has been pretty secretive about it before mostly because I think that he was worried what would happen when I TRULY found out just how much debt he's racked up. I'm finally pulling answers from him out of desperation for our situation but getting answers and getting account numbers and passwords to accounts has been like pulling teeth.

I'm not sure why the secrecy, but something doesn't add up. I'm sure you know more about the situation that might be a clue as to what is really going on here. But I don't think it's really how things should be. I think it creates a lot of problems. I know that from being on the same side of the issue for years.

FurryFluffy

Yes I do.
We only have 1 account, and all of our money go there.Your money is our money, and my money is our money.I tell him if I want something, plan to buy something, urgently need something and so on, and vice versa.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Yes, we have one account, which we both have access to. My husband brings in all the money tour household. Neither one of us are big spenders. We mainly buy only what we need.

There are no secrets in our marriage.
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Amplexor

Beg to differ (in our case) Together 25+ years and still maintain separate checking, savings and CCs. But we do have full disclosure, passwords and signature on each others accounts. This model has worked for us very well and in our time together we've only argued about money once. However it works primarily because we have common values on how we spend money and save for the future. We were both raised by depression era parents who had it tough during those years and passed much of those values on to us. Since our habits are about the same we don't really feel a need to check up on each other. If a couples spending/saving habits are disparate then full disclosure is even more important. Better to lead to some conflict than bankruptcy.

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OhGeesh

We do it the exact opposite we make a little more combined 60/40 with me making more than her.

I handle all of the finances and she gets a allowance she still get's whatever she wants, but always asks first if it's over her predetermined weekly allowance.

I do all bill paying, retirement, grocery shopping, etc that's that.