Man vs woman as provider... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #16 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 07:53 AM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

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Originally Posted by lisanpr View Post
I did consult a lawyer already; divided assets and alimony due if I separate. Not as concerned with agression anymore, he's more under control. But I agree safety first. Thanks!
Did the lawyer mention how long you would have to pay alimony?


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #17 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 07:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

Didn't discuss how long. She just said divided assets and child support, and may have to do spousal support too but the judge may not approve SS since he would get half of assets including half my retirement account money.
He is making a big effort to change things though. For the kids sake I'm just taking it day by day to see if it's worth staying.
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post #18 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 08:05 AM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

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Didn't discuss how long. She just said divided assets and child support, and may have to do spousal support too but the judge may not approve SS since he would get half of assets including half my retirement account money.
He is making a big effort to change things though. For the kids sake I'm just taking it day by day to see if it's worth staying.
Lisa, how old are you? And how long have you been married?

Being 30 and married 10 years is not going to be as costly to you as being 40 and married 20 years, you know?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #19 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 08:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

Mid thirties +. Married 12+ but in the relationship 16+ Started going out with him when I was 19.
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post #20 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 08:16 AM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

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Mid thirties +. Married 12+ but in the relationship 16+ Started going out with him when I was 19.
Just realize that the longer you stay, the more of your retirement he is going to get.

Are you in counseling, Lisa? I think some professional advice would be good. I don't see much upside to you for staying in the relationship.

Yes, the kids' lives would obviously be affected. How old are they?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #21 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 09:08 AM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

so, let me see if i understand.

is it the lack of money that you resent, or that he is under motivated in regards to work?

are you of the sort that feels a man is worth what he makes, i.e. in order to be a respectable guy he needs to make lots of $?

what i am gathering is the former, but you sound like you are bothered also by the lack of money, like he should be making more than you to be a real man.

put it another way: if he was really hard working, like 40-50 hrs a week and a solid guy but still made considerably less than you, would you be ok with that or not?

can you clear this up for us?
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post #22 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 09:30 AM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

My take is that she resented him enjoying a carefree life while she's been working full time the entire marriage. IMO, if I'm going to be not working full time, never more than 40% of the time my H does, MY job is to keep the household running, keep it spotless, make sure he doesn't have to worry about anything when he gets home. And if it was my H who was home, I'd be expecting HIM to do all that. And her H wasn't doing that. So, yeah, I'd be pissed off too.
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post #23 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

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My take is that she resented him enjoying a carefree life while she's been working full time the entire marriage. IMO, if I'm going to be not working full time, never more than 40% of the time my H does, MY job is to keep the household running, keep it spotless, make sure he doesn't have to worry about anything when he gets home. And if it was my H who was home, I'd be expecting HIM to do all that. And her H wasn't doing that. So, yeah, I'd be pissed off too.
You said it turnera. That's how I feel. He would ocassionally do extra things, like cook, or laundry, but only occassionally. He definitely had it carefree for a long time. If I started asking about doing more or mentioned his computer time he would get defensive and there would be an argument. So I stopped asking a long time ago, then kids came and I was focused on them. Denial about the whole thing, wasn't a good idea cause the resentment was still there. Then his moods were either angry outbursts/put downs or super sweet/loving, so that besides the money thing was a lot to swallow for a long time.
JLD - Yes, I go to therapy.
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post #24 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 09:57 AM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

Expectations will have a huge impact on your relationship. I know this was a long time ago, but did you go to counseling before you got married? Did y'all talk about financial expectations for each of you?

TBH it sounds like the issue is a little more than just financial. It sounds like he has had a bit of extended adolescence, that he is ok with spending his time with the boys or working out or playing games while you have to work harder. I can understand why you'd be resentful.

I'd have a serious conversation with him, and have counseling before approaching a divorce lawyer.
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post #25 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 10:05 AM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

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My husband has always worked part-time and I've always been the main provider. Jobs in his field are very limited. For 10+ years he didn't do much to try to earn more income. I've held a grudge on him for this since pretty much our second year of marriage. If I brought it up, we would just fight, so I stopped.

Some months ago I confronted him how unfair the situation had been. He made a big effort to find something and he did, but the income he makes is still not even half of what I make. Part of me is disappointed I married someone who hasn't been a provider and looks like he never will be. By provider I mean, a man who earns more than me and provides money for most bills, fun, retirement, and more for the family.

The finances are so disappointing. Any thoughts on possible solutions?
Lisa- it is really difficult to separate this based on your other threads (now deleted) as this is just one issue of many you have with your husband.

Remembering from other threads- your husband has been making some changes toward the better and it sounds like this is another area he is doing just that.

Moving the past aside, and looking at the present...Is he working full-time, although his pay is still less?

What solutions are you looking for?

Are finances not making ends meet?
Are you not sharing equal burden for household chores?
Or are you looking for a change in perspective- seeing the need for a partnership with your spouse in the context of your current state of the union?

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post #26 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 10:17 AM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

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You said it turnera. That's how I feel. He would ocassionally do extra things, like cook, or laundry, but only occassionally. He definitely had it carefree for a long time. If I started asking about doing more or mentioned his computer time he would get defensive and there would be an argument. So I stopped asking a long time ago, then kids came and I was focused on them. Denial about the whole thing, wasn't a good idea cause the resentment was still there. Then his moods were either angry outbursts/put downs or super sweet/loving, so that besides the money thing was a lot to swallow for a long time.
JLD - Yes, I go to therapy.
What does your therapist recommend? That you consider divorce, or continue to give him time?

I think your resentment is totally justified, btw.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #27 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 01:22 PM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

Why would you pay spousal support? You mentioned that he helped very little with kids, so he did not give up his career to be SAHD. Your marriage is 12 y in duration, it's slightly above medium term. SS is normally for long term like 20 years.
I assume he has no health issues that prevent him from finding a job and providing for him-selves.
Find better lawyer. There is very slim chance for SS and a good lawyer should get rid of it.

Make sure kids stay with you, so you don't pay child support to the lazy.

The issue is not you being a provider, but him enjoying a free ride. If you make more money, he should take more childcare and do more housework. Same would apply if he was a breadwinner.
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post #28 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 03:07 PM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

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Sorry did you want a love or husband....or a paycheck.

do everyone a favour and go marry a bank loan.
I assume this is because you are angry that women expect you to subsidise them. It is true, women do generally expect this. Just as I would (in the anglo-saxon world) expect my wife to take my name rather than vice-versa. There is still some traditional sexism/roles in society and to deny that is futile.

Your complaint would be more suited to a woman who has a large inherited income, but complains that her husband still has to work and not earn as much as her. Or a woman who expects her husband to do the housework as she does some part-time work.

In this case, she is actually working harder and he is doing very little. It is a far from typical situation and it very unfair on her.
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post #29 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 06:57 PM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

First, it's important to realize that a marriage is a team effort. Each person has weaknesses that the other person should compliment. That being said, it appears that one of his weaknesses is that he has been unwilling or unable to recognize and address the level of resentment that has become a problem in the marriage. Resentment that his actions, or lack of action has caused.
It's important for each of you guys to work together to get the level of understanding up to par with the seriousness of the problem.
One thing to remember is that no one listens when someone else yells at them. It is important that the person conveying the message remember to maintain cool no matter how the other person reacts to the message being conveyed.
Fact 1: The marriage needs healing. I suggest you read the book "Red Hot Sexy Marriage" http://bit.ly/1Mo4ADy
Fact 2: It is incumbent upon you to diffuse your end of the disagreement and approach the the tender subject of getting your husband to make more money by dogmatically building him up rather than verbally tearing him down. You can do that by researching ways for him to make more money and gently encouraging him to pursue opportunities that can make more income for your family. Stretching the money that you have is an integral part of being happy financially. Make it a fun effort that you both pursue together and restore the closeness that originally existed in your marriage.
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post #30 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 07:44 PM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

You really should divorce. With this new information and your previous posts, you are wasting your time in this marriage.

Seek the best lawyer to work in your best interest and he should seek the same.

Best of luck because divorce will be hard on the kids, but it has been a long time coming in your particular case.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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