Man vs woman as provider... - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 02:33 PM Thread Starter
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Man vs woman as provider...

My husband has always worked part-time and I've always been the main provider. Jobs in his field are very limited. For 10+ years he didn't do much to try to earn more income. I've held a grudge on him for this since pretty much our second year of marriage. If I brought it up, we would just fight, so I stopped.

Some months ago I confronted him how unfair the situation had been. He made a big effort to find something and he did, but the income he makes is still not even half of what I make. Part of me is disappointed I married someone who hasn't been a provider and looks like he never will be. By provider I mean, a man who earns more than me and provides money for most bills, fun, retirement, and more for the family.

The finances are so disappointing. Any thoughts on possible solutions?


Last edited by lisanpr; 06-14-2016 at 04:15 PM.
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post #2 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 02:37 PM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

Split all the bills between your income and his income, and whatever you have left, put in a savings account for yourself. If he wants more money, he can go out and earn it.
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post #3 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 02:44 PM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

Which was your story again? You deleted your posts.
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post #4 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 08:21 PM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

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Originally Posted by lisanpr View Post
Part of me is disappointed I married someone who hasn't been a provider and looks like he never will be.
Provider doesn't have to mean money. Does he do other things in the relationship like say most of the work at home, raise kids, stuff like that? Or does he just sit home and have fun?
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post #5 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 12:07 AM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

Quote:
Originally Posted by lisanpr View Post
My husband has always worked part-time and I've always been the main provider. Jobs in his field are very limited. For 10+ years he didn't do much to try to earn more income. I've held a grudge on him for this since pretty much our second year of marriage. If I brought it up, we would just fight, so I stopped.

Some months ago I confronted him how unfair the situation had been. He made a big effort to find something and he did, but the income he makes is still not even half of what I make. Part of me is disappointed I married someone who hasn't been a provider and looks like he never will be. By provider I mean, a man who earns more than me and provides money for most bills, fun, retirement, and more for the family.

The finances are so disappointing. Any thoughts on possible solutions?


Back in the day, I made good money and Mrs.CuddleBug made min wage + tips. Over the many years, half way through our marriage we made about the same due to the economy changing and manufacturing plants leaving our city replaced by retail. Today, Mrs.CuddleBug is the main provider were as I am starting completely over because of the oil crash.

Mrs.CuddleBug doesn't care who makes more money. As long as we're both working and helping pay the monthly bills, it doesn't matter who makes more.

We pay the monthly bills based on our income levels. So when I made more, back in the day, I paid for most of everything including upgrades. Today, all upgrades are split 50/50 and everything else is based on our income levels. It's fair and no one gets screwed.

I setup our finances this way. We also have our own bank accounts, but they're joint spousal. Same with our own credit cards, which are joint spousal as well. We both can see all our finances whenever we wish and both have full access to all passwords.

Ideally, I would be the sole provider and she could work part time and do whatever, but this is 2016 and not 1960 anymore. Two incomes are required today, were as back then one income was fine.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.
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post #6 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 12:23 AM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

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The finances are so disappointing. Any thoughts on possible solutions?
Sorry did you want a love or husband....or a paycheck.

do everyone a favour and go marry a bank loan.
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post #7 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 01:13 AM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

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Split all the bills between your income and his income, and whatever you have left, put in a savings account for yourself. If he wants more money, he can go out and earn it.
I can't see a man getting away with that kind of behavior if he had a lower earning spouse.

Let's say she did as you recommend, but subsequently divorced.Do you think that any money she set aside would be "hers alone" or "joint marital assets"? How about a mirror image situation where it's the man setting aside the money....it is "joint marital assets" or "his alone."

Your attitude sets a dangerous precedent. Do you think that the one who makes the most money gets to call the shots?

She even admits his field is limited, but despite that, and despite the fact that he DID "make a big effort" (her words) and find something, she's still upset that she makes more.
d
That last paragraph of the OP sounds to me like she would be just fine if the situation was revered, with HIM being a full time main provider and her being a part-timer. And I don't mean as a payback from her years being the main provider, I mean it sounds to me (and I admit I'm reading between the lines her), that she would be happy if she was the part timer from day 1 of the marriage.

And I don't think I'm off in reading between the lines. Look at the very title of her thread, "Man vs woman provider". It seems to me that she thinks her husband should earn more just because he's a man, and THAT'S the source of resentment, not the part-time vs full-time issue.
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post #8 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 02:53 AM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

Quote:
Originally Posted by lisanpr View Post
My husband has always worked part-time and I've always been the main provider. Jobs in his field are very limited. For 10+ years he didn't do much to try to earn more income. I've held a grudge on him for this since pretty much our second year of marriage. If I brought it up, we would just fight, so I stopped.

Some months ago I confronted him how unfair the situation had been. He made a big effort to find something and he did, but the income he makes is still not even half of what I make. Part of me is disappointed I married someone who hasn't been a provider and looks like he never will be. By provider I mean, a man who earns more than me and provides money for most bills, fun, retirement, and more for the family.

The finances are so disappointing. Any thoughts on possible solutions?
You have had a lot of disappointment in your marriage. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, too, correct? And you were fearing physical abuse?

You also mentioned meeting him young and dating only him. Maybe you are feeling that, in hindsight, it was shortsighted in your case to have limited yourself in this way?

Lisa, do you think the solution to your disappointment with him, financial and otherwise, might be a divorce?

Just realize you may have to pay him alimony and possibly child support. But getting your freedom may be worth it. You want to feel good with the person you are with.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #9 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 06:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

sokillme -
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Provider doesn't have to mean money. Does he do other things in the relationship like say most of the work at home, raise kids, stuff like that? Or does he just sit home and have fun?
It's hard for me to quantify exact amounts of time. Throughout the marriage he worked part time, his total income depended on how many times he got called, mostly he made 10-20% my income, on good times at most 40%. For the rest of the time, a very rough estimate could be:
5 yrs no kids, minimal house work help, lots of fun computer time, go to gym, visit with friends
3 yrs help with 2 kids, minimal house work help, fun computer time, watch sports
3 yrs help with 2 kids w/ a relative at home also helping with the kids, minimal house work help, fun computer time, watch sports
.5 yr step up with house work, much less time on computer, actively looking for jobs, working extra, help more with kids
That's a condensed summary. I give him credit for things he's done to help out like run errands, car maintenance or appointments, fixing broken things in the house, drive the family places or to appointments, but aside from helping out with the kids which is big work (mostly when the relative was not around) most of these years he was able to have fun.

Last edited by lisanpr; 06-15-2016 at 06:34 AM.
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post #10 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 06:53 AM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

If tables were reversed and your husband made substantially more money than you, would he be justified in accusing you of being unfair because you weren't trying to equal or exceed his financial contribution to the family? That is the situation for most American heterosexual couple households...the man typically contributes more money to the finances.

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post #11 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 06:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

CuddleBug -
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Mrs.CuddleBug doesn't care who makes more money. As long as we're both working and helping pay the monthly bills, it doesn't matter who makes more.
I totally agree with this, if he would've made an effort to earn money during the time he had no work in his part-time job (mostly worked 5-15 hrs/wk evening and weekend hours). He never tried hard to earn additional income until recently so it didn't feel like we both were in this together, each doing their fair share to bring income home.

Last edited by lisanpr; 06-15-2016 at 07:31 AM.
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post #12 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 07:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

JLD - Yes to all your questions. I was set on separating 6 months ago but decided to give him a chance. He has changed a lot for sure, but it may be too late. Still figuring that one out.

Last edited by lisanpr; 06-15-2016 at 07:30 AM.
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post #13 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 07:33 AM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

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Originally Posted by lisanpr View Post
JLD - Yes to all your questions. I was set on separating 6 months ago but decided to give him a chance. He has changed a lot for sure, but it may be too late. Still figuring that one out.
Have you seen a lawyer, Lisa?

Getting some professional advice in terms of what you can expect financially and custody-wise would be helpful.

Also, something I wanted to mention to you the other day. Considering there is a chance he may become physically aggressive with you, I would not recommend your being transparent with him unless a professional counselor who is seeing you also recommends it. I would never want you aggressed by him because you were trying to be open and honest with him. Safety first.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #14 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 07:36 AM
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

You knew this about him when you married him.

You have done nothing to change the dynamic. Whining about it is not working, so switch to a different tack. Turnera has offered the best advice so far.

Your husband is a deadbeat with no ambition. How long are you gong to carry this marriage?
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post #15 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 07:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Man vs woman as provider...

I did consult a lawyer already; divided assets and alimony due if I separate. Not as concerned with agression anymore, he's more under control. But I agree safety first. Thanks!
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