Fiancés mum takes half of his finances - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #16 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-30-2016, 09:37 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

OP-

What do you hope to accomplish at counseling?

I'd ask him to explain why he feels you desire for financial planning and money management are shallow.

God also asks for us to be good stewards (this would include in how you provide for yourselves). There's a difference between worrying about finances and managing your finances.

The sharing of issues of conflict between you and your husband with either his mom our yours needs to stop. You and your husband (well, future husband) will be the primary family now.

You feel unheard. He may feel unheard....

Focus on developing good listening skills.

I would highly recommend that you do not set a wedding date until you have vetted all of this first. You may find that after pre-marital counseling, you may not be the best fit for each other... and that's okay.

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post #17 of 56 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 01:53 PM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

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Originally Posted by Epifany View Post

I feel like I'm putting my fiancé in a bad light, but I love him and I don't doubt my choice. I feel like I'm going into this marriage with good intentions, we are getting married because we love each other that's all.
Sounds like him and his mother whipped you in line Epifany. Him hitting you with him wanting to rethink getting married to you apparently did the trick.
I'm telling you something milady, you had it right when you said "and my heart and head's telling me walk away".
What do you think he's do if the shoe was on the other foot and you were expecting him to furnish the lions share of the resources while you plowed half your pay into your family member. Why don't you conduct an experiment to see how much he believes his crap he's shooting you. Tell him you understand how he feels about money and so you're turning over half your earnings to your parent to put in trust for "ya'lls" retirement. I'll bet he'll tell you to take a hike.
Let me predict the future for you. After a time, you'll lose romantic interest in this "Norman Bates lite" guy and after "even hating the way he smells" either ditch him, find a lover or both. I seen this crap play out any number of times with mommy boys.
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post #18 of 56 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 02:26 PM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

There are none so blind as those who will not see. He turns over half of his pay to his mom, yet will have no problem letting his in-laws provide him with free rent. That is not a man a wife can respect. That is not a man in-laws can respect. I suspect her father's upper lip will be in a permanent curl.
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post #19 of 56 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 04:56 PM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

Simple question.

What's he going to do when he has to choose between an expensive purse for his mother - and providing for his children?

Money and love - are highly correlated.



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Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
There are none so blind as those who will not see. He turns over half of his pay to his mom, yet will have no problem letting his in-laws provide him with free rent. That is not a man a wife can respect. That is not a man in-laws can respect. I suspect her father's upper lip will be in a permanent curl.
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post #20 of 56 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 11:14 PM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

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I suspect her father's upper lip will be in a permanent curl.
If I were the father, that parasite wouldn't be living in my house. I'd make that real clear to my darling daughter.
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post #21 of 56 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 07:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Epifany View Post
Thanks to everyone again for the advice

So my fiancé is the type of person to get angry and always suggests splitting up as our first solution, a lot of the time. He knows it's immature and childish. I also got him at a bad time , bringing this up so we are both at fault.

So we have only resolved things today, we are going for pre marital counseling something that's long overdue and these are the factors I need addressed from my side:

1. He tells me I'm shallow everytime I bring up money or improving ourselves in our careers to make more money. I am far from shallow. If I really was I would marry someone very rich. He fails to understand that my goal is a healthy life in every sphere, definitely far from shallow.

2. He says I must have faith in God because God provides and my worrying is a lack of faith. My argument is yes God provides, Faith in God is met with effort from our parts and some days , I'm very much human, my faith wavers and I worry because we don't eat mega bux. He is doing some work at home and the guys did him in, and he felt that loss of money today and he expressed his worries to me, and I couldn't help but say, this is exactly what I mean. He says it was a lesson to him. Don't worry, I'm not gloating in this but glad he got some perspective.

3. He told his mother what his perception of what I said yesterday, I wasn't there, and I got upset because she probably thinks lesser of me now, and he involved my mum and his mum. He did. And he apologized for it today and said m henceforth our issues are ours to solve unless we need advice from wiser people. This made my blood boil. Because when I asked why he told his mum he said because we are close. Making me feel like I had no right to question their relationship, but it's our issues and they are supposed to be private. My mum intervened on my behalf because HE involved her otherwise she would never and I think when my mum spoke to him (and she wS very nice about it) he didn't like it and preferred our problems stay between us.

4. I just feel that based on everything I said, he tends to invalidate my feelings.

What was my fault was my choice of words , I realised I would have also got defensive and angry if someone used those words on me. So today I calmly explained that I simply needed a reassurance, and he gave it to me.


I feel like I'm putting my fiancé in a bad light, but I love him and I don't doubt my choice. I feel like I'm going into this marriage with good intentions, we are getting married because we love each other that's all.


I know there are things he will definitely bring up about me in counseling, for one I have really ugly mood swings, and I know I always compare him to my dad ( who cheated and let my mum take the financial burden for a very long time) and it's very wrong of me, though my dad has altered my perception of men in general amongst other things.

I'm glad we are taking this step together i want us to deal with our issues as one.

God says cut the apron string which he did not.
He used god against you for his n mom own benefit.

It happened to me. Now divorced n he doesn't even feed kids. He is in debt over mum n dad spending. He rather feed his mum's mad shopping than kids.

It will not end.

Leave

Last edited by tripad; 12-19-2016 at 09:49 AM.
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post #22 of 56 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 07:48 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

OP,
Do you consider it maturely prudent to threaten separation whenever he does not get his way? It is manipulative and coercive and horribly immature behavior. He is not ready for marriage but as important, his mother is not. He can not take on the responsibility of marriage until his mother fledges and leaves the nest. You are marrying a man who is paying half of his salary in child support but in this case the child is his mother. I urge you to consider this carefully. It seems the apple has not fallen far from the tree. He and his mother need to grow up and assume responsibility for their own lives. Your instincts (gut) is screaming at you and you would be well served to heed its warning.

Peace and long life
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post #23 of 56 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 09:29 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

I'm making some assumptions reading between the lines that may be off base, so shut me down if I'm wrong. I'm guessing you and your fiancé are 2nd or 3rd generation immigrants to the the west, and your religion is patriarchal in nature. I'm assuming Muslim, but the specifics don't matter that much.

If your BF is taking care of his mother financially, I'm guessing she is a widow, and that makes BF "head of the family". Is that correct?

I had an employee on my team in a similar circumstance. He was supporting his mother and sister, but his mother would put him in financial difficulties. The last straw for him was when she bought a bunch of new furniture on credit without asking him. His problem was that, as a young man (20s), he still viewed her as an authority figure, and himself as her "child". Nothing odd there, we view our parents as giants into adulthood.

We talked about the fact that he was the head of the family, and in that role, needed to set boundaries on his mother, or decline to support her. It took him a while, but he knew he would be "right" in the eyes of his extended family as long as he treated her with respect as he did it.

Sounds like future MIL has a strong sense of entitlement and no gratitude. He shouldn't be asking her if he can reduce support, she should be grateful for every penny.

You can encourage him to stand up for himself, if you are encouraging instead of shaming. Don't not attack his manhood for having trouble standing up to her. Help him really see himself as the head of the family he is.
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post #24 of 56 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 09:46 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

Quote:
Originally Posted by Epifany View Post
Thanks to everyone again for the advice

So my fiancé is the type of person to get angry and always suggests splitting up as our first solution, a lot of the time. He knows it's immature and childish. I also got him at a bad time , bringing this up so we are both at fault.

So we have only resolved things today, we are going for pre marital counseling something that's long overdue and these are the factors I need addressed from my side:

1. He tells me I'm shallow everytime I bring up money or improving ourselves in our careers to make more money. I am far from shallow. If I really was I would marry someone very rich. He fails to understand that my goal is a healthy life in every sphere, definitely far from shallow.

2. He says I must have faith in God because God provides and my worrying is a lack of faith. My argument is yes God provides, Faith in God is met with effort from our parts and some days , I'm very much human, my faith wavers and I worry because we don't eat mega bux. He is doing some work at home and the guys did him in, and he felt that loss of money today and he expressed his worries to me, and I couldn't help but say, this is exactly what I mean. He says it was a lesson to him. Don't worry, I'm not gloating in this but glad he got some perspective.

3. He told his mother what his perception of what I said yesterday, I wasn't there, and I got upset because she probably thinks lesser of me now, and he involved my mum and his mum. He did. And he apologized for it today and said m henceforth our issues are ours to solve unless we need advice from wiser people. This made my blood boil. Because when I asked why he told his mum he said because we are close. Making me feel like I had no right to question their relationship, but it's our issues and they are supposed to be private. My mum intervened on my behalf because HE involved her otherwise she would never and I think when my mum spoke to him (and she wS very nice about it) he didn't like it and preferred our problems stay between us.

4. I just feel that based on everything I said, he tends to invalidate my feelings.

What was my fault was my choice of words , I realised I would have also got defensive and angry if someone used those words on me. So today I calmly explained that I simply needed a reassurance, and he gave it to me.


I feel like I'm putting my fiancé in a bad light, but I love him and I don't doubt my choice. I feel like I'm going into this marriage with good intentions, we are getting married because we love each other that's all.


I know there are things he will definitely bring up about me in counseling, for one I have really ugly mood swings, and I know I always compare him to my dad ( who cheated and let my mum take the financial burden for a very long time) and it's very wrong of me, though my dad has altered my perception of men in general amongst other things.

I'm glad we are taking this step together i want us to deal with our issues as one.
Interesting. How did his actions with his mom become all your fault and self introspection? Yes, you nay have problems, but it sounds like he argues by moving the goal posts.

This may not be a happy marriage. No, love does not conquer all.
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post #25 of 56 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 10:01 PM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

His mom will always come first. Remember where you read this.

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post #26 of 56 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 10:02 PM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

Quote:
Originally Posted by NoChoice View Post
OP,
Do you consider it maturely prudent to threaten separation whenever he does not get his way? It is manipulative and coercive and horribly immature behavior. He is not ready for marriage but as important, his mother is not. He can not take on the responsibility of marriage until his mother fledges and leaves the nest. You are marrying a man who is paying half of his salary in child support but in this case the child is his mother. I urge you to consider this carefully. It seems the apple has not fallen far from the tree. He and his mother need to grow up and assume responsibility for their own lives. Your instincts (gut) is screaming at you and you would be well served to heed its warning.
#somuchthis
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post #27 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-05-2016, 12:28 AM Thread Starter
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Update :

My husband still gives to him mum , yes. Without me saying anything he has started to give less, I'm glad he knows he has responsibilities both ways, I know it's hard but I cannot spoil him on this one.

He is now managing two households, of course I help out , we are now living in a nice area in a cute little apartment .

I want him to take care of his parents but he needs to realize when he's been taken advantage of. He is such a giving person it actually gets to a point where it annoys me. His parents do take a lot of advantage at times... I just ask my husband that we discuss things I don't like us making separate decisions we are one , so he has agreed. It's much better now, though it's not perfect. If my parents were struggling I'd definitely help them no question but my parents don't take advantage , but that's another thing. Anyway thanks guys
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post #28 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-05-2016, 12:51 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

I’m glad it’s gotten some better. Hopefully this can be worked out in the long run in a way that does not drain too much from you and his marital income.
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post #29 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-05-2016, 09:12 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

Did you ever tell him how you felt?
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post #30 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 01:02 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

Quote:
Originally Posted by Epifany View Post
Update :

My husband still gives to him mum , yes.

I want him to take care of his parents but he needs to realize when he's been taken advantage of. . . . . . . His parents do take a lot of advantage at times...

So now it's not just his mother; it's his parents----mom and dad?
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