Fiancés mum takes half of his finances - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #31 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 03:04 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

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So in just over a month we will be married.
We have been doing some budget planning for the few months now, and while we're ok financially if we use both our salaries, I'm slightly annoyed and I feel bad for feeling annoyed.

So my fiancés mum requires financial support. She has a job and earns but also takes half of his salary. Honestly, from the looks of it (she is always shopping and out every day she's not working and buys expensive brands) I think she , with her salary and my fiancés contribution, earns way more a month than I do. I could be wrong, but I cannot afford what she can.

So my parents have kindly offered we stay with them for a bit in order to save up to go by ourselves. Luckily I have a big house and privacy won't be a problem.

He asked his mum (and please note I didn't ask him to) if he could cut down the contributions and she said no. She is even more than happy for us to live with my parents because that won't compromise her earnings.

In my religion what a woman has is hers and she's not obligated to give it. Though, I know life is expensive and I'm more than willing to help. I earn extra money every month and I don't think I'm going to be very transparent about that with my fiancé because he cannot say no to his mother and he may turn to me, and I've gotta look out for us and save.

I don't have a problem with him taking care of his mother. If my mum needed help I would give everything I have to her. The difference is my mum is a considerate person. In fact, my mum helps me out a lot financially as well. I'm so scared that I'tll be this way for the rest of our lives. I guess I don't really have a question I'm just thinking out aloud. It angers me to an extent because she is always wearing the best and is dressed up going for this and that expensive treatments and I'm like ?? We can't even afford rent of our own at this time. My parents are also paying for the entire wedding and she keeps pushing us to give her more and more seats and bear In mind my parents are paying a lot of money per head. At our engagement party my extended family were all standing cause she brought a lot of people. Again inconsiderate. Sometimes I don't know. I can't predict how things will be after marriage but if my fiancé doesn't take good care of me I will have to explain to him that I'm his responsibility as well. Sometimes I'm so scared because I'm a young girl and all my life I have had enough money for whatever I wanted and this is a whole new ball game and I won't deny that I'm afraid of what's to come.

A man should leave his mother and father and be united with his wife. If he doesn't cut the apron strings, it will not get better and you may find yourself many years later with a lot of built up resentment. What nationality are you? Are you Asian in origin as this seems to be fairly typical. If possible sit your H down and ask him about the plans for the future, a house, kids etc and ask him how are you going to set up a future if he has to pay so much to his mother. Does she have any other kids that can help support her?

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post #32 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 08:01 AM Thread Starter
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Update

So .... *big sigh*

My husband has a younger brother in university he is in second year and now he has two More years left.

Now this made my blood BOIL. She told my husband she wants his brother to leave and start working to support her. Number one: I believe she would do that. Number two: it was her way of guilting my husband into investing more in her.

So now I had to think about how I approach this because because I don't want my husband thinking I don't want him to take care of his mother or that I'm hating on her, and I needed to open the doors of communication properly for this, without him taking offense.

Remember the More he gives the more I have to put in. Right now my husband and I have a comfortable life, we do overspend on the weekends and we have now drawn up a budget, we are saving for travel , we aim to do one each year, we have done our overseas country for this year and we aren't preparing for our next. I will absolutely not compromise on this, I have cut down greatly on buying myself things like shoes and clothes and I'm not that woman who wants jewelry and the best furniture. I don't ask my husband for anything, I don't really want anything besides cuddles and kisses and love and to travel and experience and build with him, so no I will not compromise on that. My husband takes care of my needs , and that's how it should be and I'm grateful.

So ... back to the topic , my husband was so angry because he was also studying when his mum pulled him out to work and support the family, given the dad doesn't pay anything even towards his own kids nevermimd his ex wife. So I understand my husband doesn't want that to happen to his brother and I don't want that either .

So yesterday I spoke to my husband at first he shut down and refused to talk he said he needed time. An hour later he was ready to talk. All I said was UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION BEFORE YOU COMMIT. Where is your mum falling short? I didn't say this to him but she dresses like she's out of her magazine , she started these exercise classes, she has ample food and is always going shopping on the weekend for wants as well not only needs, she has dstv/cable tv whatever you call it, she goes for laser therapy (I go for my bikini only because it's sooooo expensive) , so I told my husband please let's try and understand the situation and see what options we have. My husband said she has a problem feeding her son at home the one that's in university , so I said no problem he can come stay with us , his university is closer to us he can eat and sleep here during the week . My husband and said he won't , he alreAdy feels like a burden . But my husband doesn't know the full situation that's just one of the aspects so I'm waiting for him to speak to his mother . I really do feel sorry for his brother because I know how hardball studying is I did two degrees in one and I struggled and I HAD ALL THE SUPPORt and it was still hard.

Sigh.... so I suggested my husband speak to his father and ask for advice . My husband said no because his father will think he is asking for money. I mean is my husband the father ? Must h take care of his fathers kids ? Rhetorical questions

For our wedding my husband and parents saw to the bill. His mother kept on upping the numbers on my parents expense , she did this for our engagement party and wedding I swear she added about 30 extra people for both with absolutely no regard for the cost. So I knew she wasn't this type of a person and I have no doubt in my mind she isn't materialistic and she wants to maintain her lifestyle . She refused to buy me any jewellery or give me any gifts saying she can't afford anything neither did his dad . Not that o need it, my parents did a lot for me and were heartsore and they bought me things.

What's so funny is my husbands brother wasn't thinking of getting married this year ( he's no longer after we told him it's not a good idea since he's studying) and my husbands father jumped up and even booked a hall, bevermind me but he didn't even ask my husband if he needed anything from our wedding ... not even personal items.

My fingers are so but there's so much to say.

The final thing... my mother in law has a boyfriend , he drives smart cars and has 4 kids. That's all I know. They want to get married but the other day he showed my mother in law a message from his ex wife saying how will you support all of us plus a new wife. My husband and I discussed this and he could have possibly shown it to say he let's do this but I can't really support you. And already my mother in law is saying she will stay in her house and he will stay in his meaning : my husband must still maintain her household and she doesn't want to leave the house cUse she's scared her ex husband will take full ownership.

My husband told him mum on numnerous occasions the responsibility is much but she couldn't care less. When I'm not around it even if I'm there she will secretly speak to him and make him feel bad. My husband told me how much she earns and from what I described it's IMPOSSIBLE. I think she's lying and I think her brother also funds her lifestyle because he also is well off .

And I was so mad but now I realize she can do that to her sons and take advantage who the hell am I? She won't consider me in any way shape . I mean the once she considered marrying a man who didn't want to accept her 14 year old daughter.

I WANT my husband to support his mum needs I would that for my parents if need be, but not to fund this extravagant lifestyle she's trying to keep up with .

I'm no more angry. I told my husband please , we are one domt make decisions on your own. Honestly think she will always be a problem In this regards , always demanding and getting her way. There is no way in hell I am having kids one day if I have to be working like a dog so my husband can support her lifestyle, no way. And I made it clear with my husband with regards to finances . He asked me to help out with rent only and i agreed, he sees to a lot definitely more than me but in not going to do more simply because any extra money he hasn't goes to support his mums lifestyle.

This is hard.

But his mum and I have a very amicable relationship And I want to keep it that way for the sake of our marriage . Gosh it's hard my patience is being tested and I'm trying to set boundaries while being a good person
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post #33 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 08:07 AM Thread Starter
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SOrry guys my English is poor and spelling but my husband is here and I don't want him to see me typing all of this. And a lot of the negation was supposed to be positive . Like she is materialistic and his brother did want to get married . Sorry .
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post #34 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 10:19 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

Who is paying for your BIL's school? His mom? If not, what right does she have to pull him out?
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post #35 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 11:30 AM Thread Starter
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Who is paying for your BIL's school? His mom? If not, what right does she have to pull him out?
He has a bursary . And my husband gives him spending and airtime etc and sometime soon his father but not sure how much the dad gives
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post #36 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 11:49 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

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What nationality are you? Are you Asian in origin as this seems to be fairly typical


@Epifany


The above quote is an important question.

As a born and raised Westerner; I wouldn't put up with what you are putting up with for anything. I would LEAVE a man that put me in this situation. It's fricking ridiculous.

Do you live in Britain? So now, you are Westernized; but your elders still abide by older traditions.

If you don't object to this STRONGLY, this will be the rest of your life. You will need to stop complaining; and accept it.

Anyone with a bit of sense who reads your posts can tell that your mother-in-law is selfish, greedy, inconsiderate, demanding, manipulative, vain and has an entitlement complex.

And she's willing to deny your BIL his education so she can keep on getting her own way.

This is a no brainer. She is wrong and should not be indulged in any way, shape or form.

Good luck, you are going to need it.
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post #37 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 12:09 PM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

Your fiance should be more considered about you and your life together. He can consider to help MIL and BIL but they should not depend on him. Unless there is that arrangement in place I think you should reconsider marrying this guy. It's only going to get worse if you marry him.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #38 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 12:18 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
What nationality are you? Are you Asian in origin as this seems to be fairly typical


@Epifany


The above quote is an important question.

As a born and raised Westerner; I wouldn't put up with what you are putting up with for anything. I would LEAVE a man that put me in this situation. It's fricking ridiculous.

Do you live in Britain? So now, you are Westernized; but your elders still abide by older traditions.

If you don't object to this STRONGLY, this will be the rest of your life. You will need to stop complaining; and accept it.

Anyone with a bit of sense who reads your posts can tell that your mother-in-law is selfish, greedy, inconsiderate, demanding, manipulative, vain and has an entitlement complex.

And she's willing to deny your BIL his education so she can keep on getting her own way.

This is a no brainer. She is wrong and should not be indulged in any way, shape or form.

Good luck, you are going to need it.
Yes I am of Asian origin.
My family and I are very different to the culture that has always been projected on us. I don't know what to do about that's why I just made sure that communication is there. I know it's going to be there for the rest of my life, I adore my husband , I suppose life can't be perfect. The problem is that my MIL is selfish. My husband and I are currently attending marriage coaching, not counseling in any way, and it's challenged me and us in AMAZING way. Our last topic was in laws and I have homework to do. And one of the questions is what do I appreciate about my In laws and what problems do I foresee in the future. I'm laying it all out not going to hold back because this is my one chance. I even told my husband be honest otherwise we are defeating the purpose of the coaching and I won't take offense . People are are not perfect it's a reality.

I stay in SA . My husband is liberal . One day my MIL went on with him about my dressing. A little cleavage was showing when we went on a date but nothing hectic ... and she didn't confront me but spoke about me... and i haven't changed my dressing for her, I do dress decently in general so I don't care. She also told my husbad she's scared my mother is controlling and will interfere in our marriage biggest joke ever because she has taken that role.

I can't believe this woman. Things are surfacing now I'm so blind I just try to see the best in people. The once infront of me She told my hubby don't worry about me don't give me anything I'll manage.... if she REALLY meant that she wouldn't keep taking the money and spending it.
She was playing victim.

Oh and so let me just say this... when my husbad and I just got married we needed a place to stay because we were waiting for our place now to open up, we were even going to rent but we knew it was dumb cause we would have paid two deposits in a space of 3 months. So obviously my parents offered, but his mum refused and said she needed her space . But infront of me she was like oh the house isn't nice for a newly wed couple blah blah. And she came into my parents house wAnting to paint the area we were staying , when my husband asked if we could spend a weekend there sometimes she said no, obviously this was more for me than her son. I really have to work through and overlook all these things and not take it personally because I don't want resentment to grow or my marriage to suffer.
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post #39 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 01:21 PM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

If I were you, I'd be ignoring you and instead working closely with your BIL so that he learns he doesn't HAVE to do what she says, not to let her bully him like she did his older brother, that he can love her and support her without being blackmailed. He's young; he may not realize he has the right to just say no.

You'll never change her; you can only change how you react. Help your H by admiring him when he puts you first, or your BIL first, if she's being ridiculous. If he gets kudos for not cowtowing to her, he will feel emboldened to do it more often, and you'll all get a better balance.
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post #40 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 05:04 PM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

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Originally Posted by Epifany View Post

So now I had to think about how I approach this because because I don't want my husband thinking I don't want him to take care of his mother or that I'm hating on her, and I needed to open the doors of communication properly for this, without him taking offense.
Here's the thing Epy. When you're dealing with human parasites, opening the doors of communication never works to alleviate their desire to feed off your resources . When their drain on your resources reaches its limit and you have to detach them from your wallet even for your own survival, they will despise you. At best it will cause a schism with your husband who has been brainwashed into believing his parents has a claim and a right to a percentage your income.
Hey, don't feel like the Lone Ranger. I've got several kin folk with money grasping appendages. The difference between Asians and here in the U.S. is that in the U.S. its the kids and grand-kids that are panhandling.


If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #41 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 05:11 PM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

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Here's the thing Epy. When you're dealing with human parasites, opening the doors of communication never works to alleviate their desire to feed off your resources .

Women like this mother-in-law have to be broken down. They do not learn or "communicate" or compromise. I don't know why.

Epifany and her husband would have to construct a rigid boundary; and I fear it's just not gonna happen.
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post #42 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 06:37 PM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

I don't believe its going to happen either. The likelihood of her husband putting the quietus on his pandering to mommy's wishes are nil. Most of the problem, I fear, is with his belief that he has a right directly to Epy's money or indirectly by forwarding his money to his parents and letting Epy pick up the tab for their expenses while toning down their lifestyle commensurate to the reduced income.
I don't know if she married this cat yet, but if not, it would behoove her to strongly consider her options.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #43 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 06:54 PM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

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I don't believe its going to happen either. The likelihood of her husband putting the quietus on his pandering to mommy's wishes are nil. Most of the problem, I fear, is with his belief that he has a right directly to Epy's money or indirectly by forwarding his money to his parents and letting Epy pick up the tab for their expenses while toning down their lifestyle commensurate to the reduced income.
I don't know if she married this cat yet, but if not, it would behoove her to strongly consider her options.


Oh they are married already, there is another thread about their marriage night.

Virgin, scared for my first time



I advised her to spend her money, so that there isn't any for the MIL.
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post #44 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 10:18 AM Thread Starter
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So my husband and I just had a conversation actually a fight. And we were both supposed to go speak to his mum to see where she is falling short.

So he ended up saying there's no boundaries when it comes his mum and that she's his priority and not me, and he will discuss these things alone with her , and I will get feedback.

So I said ok you won't know about my finances either , since you're making us two separate entities I will keep my own money , and he said I should before I said it, and I will not consult him but spend it as I like. (I'm going to secretly save it)

So that's the situation so now I look like the selfish one when I'm not. And he threw it in my face that I like doing everything on weekends and I do, I said I will stop spending so much.

It hurts so much I'm crying I mean am I wrong? Did I approach it wrong by saying he needs to establish boundaries?
My husband is not for me . Anyway he's going to see to everything he won't get a cent from me.

I am 24 so ambitious now I'm stuck in this marriage. I love my husband but this is not what I signed up for , it's harder than I thought. I'm not even his priority why did he even marry me, wish I wasn't living to see this day ! Hurts !
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post #45 of 56 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 11:23 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

You look selfish to whom? The two people who ARE being selfish? So what?

Who cares what he thinks, when he flat out TELLS YOU that his mother matters more than you?

You're not stuck in any marriage. Get the hell out of it. NOW. Stop giving him any money. Put all your money in a separate bank account he can't touch. Start looking for an apartment. MOVE OUT.

He will never change and you will ALWAYS be the worker bee, the slave, the person whose job it is to give all you have to THEM.

You are the outsider and you always will be. I'm sorry, but enmeshed families like that never change.
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