Fiancés mum takes half of his finances - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 08:13 AM Thread Starter
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Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

So in just over a month we will be married.
We have been doing some budget planning for the few months now, and while we're ok financially if we use both our salaries, I'm slightly annoyed and I feel bad for feeling annoyed.

So my fiancés mum requires financial support. She has a job and earns but also takes half of his salary. Honestly, from the looks of it (she is always shopping and out every day she's not working and buys expensive brands) I think she , with her salary and my fiancés contribution, earns way more a month than I do. I could be wrong, but I cannot afford what she can.

So my parents have kindly offered we stay with them for a bit in order to save up to go by ourselves. Luckily I have a big house and privacy won't be a problem.

He asked his mum (and please note I didn't ask him to) if he could cut down the contributions and she said no. She is even more than happy for us to live with my parents because that won't compromise her earnings.

In my religion what a woman has is hers and she's not obligated to give it. Though, I know life is expensive and I'm more than willing to help. I earn extra money every month and I don't think I'm going to be very transparent about that with my fiancé because he cannot say no to his mother and he may turn to me, and I've gotta look out for us and save.

I don't have a problem with him taking care of his mother. If my mum needed help I would give everything I have to her. The difference is my mum is a considerate person. In fact, my mum helps me out a lot financially as well. I'm so scared that I'tll be this way for the rest of our lives. I guess I don't really have a question I'm just thinking out aloud. It angers me to an extent because she is always wearing the best and is dressed up going for this and that expensive treatments and I'm like ?? We can't even afford rent of our own at this time. My parents are also paying for the entire wedding and she keeps pushing us to give her more and more seats and bear In mind my parents are paying a lot of money per head. At our engagement party my extended family were all standing cause she brought a lot of people. Again inconsiderate. Sometimes I don't know. I can't predict how things will be after marriage but if my fiancé doesn't take good care of me I will have to explain to him that I'm his responsibility as well. Sometimes I'm so scared because I'm a young girl and all my life I have had enough money for whatever I wanted and this is a whole new ball game and I won't deny that I'm afraid of what's to come.

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post #2 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 08:19 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

It seems like an unreasonable arrangement that they have. All I can suggest is that you discuss your budget again, and tell him that you will not be contributing to it until he reduces his support for his mother to a more reasonable level. Use your religion's traditions to negotiate - otherwise, I'd suggest delaying marriage until this is resolved. You may still decide to live with your parents to help save money for a down payment on your own house, but under the current circumstances his mother - and him as well - are taking advantage of you and your parents.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #3 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 08:29 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

You are preparing to marry a man that provides you with a "monster-in-law".
These kind of things don't get better, they get worse. If he can't stand up to mommy now, he won't be able to later. And he will allow mom's needs to trump yours every time.

Honestly, I would reconsider marrying this momma's boy. Respecting and helping parents is one thing--- letting them run over you is another.

This mom of your fiance's is an entitled princess. She won't change. Don't delude yourself into thinking you're marrying her son and not her--- you're marrying her son AND his family.
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post #4 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 08:41 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

Do not marry a man who isn't all in. He thinks his mum's shopping habits are more important than taking care of his own family. He is too immature to marry. You've already seen first-hand how greedy his mother is so you can't expect her to have any consideration in the future.

Wait until you meet someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him.
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post #5 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 08:50 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

It is one thing to help a parent who needs the help. It is another thing to enable a parent to overspend. If she can afford to buy expensive brands and frequently shop, she doesn't need his financial contribution. She needs to have a budget that covers her housing, utilities, food, and reasonable clothing costs. Anything else is luxuries and unnecessary.
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post #6 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 09:02 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

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Originally Posted by Epifany View Post
He asked his mum .... I don't think I'm going to be very transparent about that with my fiancé


Hun, these two things are the most troublesome of everything you've said.

1) Deception is probably the most toxic thing you can inject into a relationship. I get your desperation here, but your plan is very very bad. Do not lie to him, regardless of how dysfunctional their relationship is. You must address your concerns honestly and straightforwardly with him and resolve them BEFORE you get married.

2) You fiance needs to present the plan to his mother, not ask her permission. Who knows what's going on there that he's not just "Helping" her financially, but indulging her, but the need to set reasonable limits seems clear..and probably not just about money. You and he need to discuss her financial needs separate from his emotional needs here, and make it very objective and mathematical. It's far more difficult to argue with fact than emotion.

But, these things really need to be addressed before you stroll down the aisle, your plan as it is now is frankly disastrous.
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post #7 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 09:08 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

Dealbreaker for me. Yes it will that way for the rest of your lives. You should not feel bad about this, you have every right to be angry about this, when you marry him that is your household income leaking out to that major sinkhole. It will take some major counselling and major time for your fiance to put a stop to this, that is if he even wants to.

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post #8 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 10:35 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

I would never marry a man who does this - doesn't stand up to his mother. It will only get worse.
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post #9 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 10:50 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

Yes, this is what it will be like for the rest of your life.

You will end up being the one who supports your husband and your children.

I can pretty well guess what your religion is. According to your religion, he is responsible to support you and your children. And your money is your.

If he were to die, you get 1/8th of his estate. His mother gets the rest. She feels entitle to his earnings apparently and he will not stand up to her. He's not going to change.

If you were my daughter, I would be asking you to not marry this man because you will end up with nothing because he does not understand that his first responsibility is his wife and children.
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post #10 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 12:56 AM Thread Starter
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Update :

I brought it up with him. He says I'm dictating responsibility to him. I said no I'm not , as a man and husband you would have a responsibility towards me and I would have been happy with 'yes I know my responsibilities and with your help I will reach them' .

He said he wants to re-think his decision of getting married to me. I said I will too, because I don't know if I can keep up with carrying the household forever while taking the backseat to his mum. He says I make everything about money. I said nope just making sure you understood your responsibility towards me when we are married. Don't know if I was wrong.

I am going to take time to think about it. Right now I'm broken, and my heart and heads telling me walk away.

Will update once we have taken some time to make a decision.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time out to respond.

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post #11 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:22 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

I'm really proud of you. He absolutely should put his WIFE first upon marriage, not his mother. Of course his family should be in his life, but the whole point of marriage is to start a NEW, CENTRAL family while the old family now comes second. The real truth is that he is AFRAID to stand up to her. And that probably shames him. In reality, it's fairly typical for young adults to still feel that guilt/pull to answer to their parents, especially if the parents are pushy like his mom. In all honesty, I've never seen a man overcome that. Women sometimes do, but I've never seen a man do it.
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post #12 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 05:52 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

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Originally Posted by Epifany View Post
Update :

I brought it up with him. He says I'm dictating responsibility to him. I said no I'm not , as a man and husband you would have a responsibility towards me and I would have been happy with 'yes I know my responsibilities and with your help I will reach them' .

He said he wants to re-think his decision of getting married to me. I said I will too, because I don't know if I can keep up with carrying the household forever while taking the backseat to his mum. He says I make everything about money. I said nope just making sure you understood your responsibility towards me when we are married. Don't know if I was wrong.

I am going to take time to think about it. Right now I'm broken, and my heart and heads telling me walk away.

Will update once we have taken some time to make a decision.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time out to respond.
Walk away. His hesitance should speak volumes to you.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #13 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 06:01 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

Clearly he has demostrated to you, that he is not ready to cut the apron string, I will tell you right now while your broken hearted and I am so sorry about that he is broken, and until he learns to let go of that apron string he will always be broken until he gets help. You have saved yourself from years of grief, I truly wish you a happy life with a man who will put his relationship with you center in his life.
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post #14 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 07:01 AM
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Re: Fiancés mum takes half of his finances

Getting married when he is giving up 50% of his income to his mother would have been a ticking time bomb in your marriage.

The fact you you were working on budgeting and addressing future financial responsibilities before marriage is fantastic ! It provided you input and the ability to challenge his arrangement with his mother.

So many couples do not address these situations or even discuss them before getting married thinking it will all work out "we're in love". I for one didn't listen to that little voice before I got married. Things didn't get better for me.

Stay strong, you are making good decisions !
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post #15 of 56 (permalink) Old 06-30-2016, 08:11 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks to everyone again for the advice

So my fiancé is the type of person to get angry and always suggests splitting up as our first solution, a lot of the time. He knows it's immature and childish. I also got him at a bad time , bringing this up so we are both at fault.

So we have only resolved things today, we are going for pre marital counseling something that's long overdue and these are the factors I need addressed from my side:

1. He tells me I'm shallow everytime I bring up money or improving ourselves in our careers to make more money. I am far from shallow. If I really was I would marry someone very rich. He fails to understand that my goal is a healthy life in every sphere, definitely far from shallow.

2. He says I must have faith in God because God provides and my worrying is a lack of faith. My argument is yes God provides, Faith in God is met with effort from our parts and some days , I'm very much human, my faith wavers and I worry because we don't eat mega bux. He is doing some work at home and the guys did him in, and he felt that loss of money today and he expressed his worries to me, and I couldn't help but say, this is exactly what I mean. He says it was a lesson to him. Don't worry, I'm not gloating in this but glad he got some perspective.

3. He told his mother what his perception of what I said yesterday, I wasn't there, and I got upset because she probably thinks lesser of me now, and he involved my mum and his mum. He did. And he apologized for it today and said m henceforth our issues are ours to solve unless we need advice from wiser people. This made my blood boil. Because when I asked why he told his mum he said because we are close. Making me feel like I had no right to question their relationship, but it's our issues and they are supposed to be private. My mum intervened on my behalf because HE involved her otherwise she would never and I think when my mum spoke to him (and she wS very nice about it) he didn't like it and preferred our problems stay between us.

4. I just feel that based on everything I said, he tends to invalidate my feelings.

What was my fault was my choice of words , I realised I would have also got defensive and angry if someone used those words on me. So today I calmly explained that I simply needed a reassurance, and he gave it to me.


I feel like I'm putting my fiancé in a bad light, but I love him and I don't doubt my choice. I feel like I'm going into this marriage with good intentions, we are getting married because we love each other that's all.


I know there are things he will definitely bring up about me in counseling, for one I have really ugly mood swings, and I know I always compare him to my dad ( who cheated and let my mum take the financial burden for a very long time) and it's very wrong of me, though my dad has altered my perception of men in general amongst other things.

I'm glad we are taking this step together i want us to deal with our issues as one.
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