Splitting bank accounts for an unusual reason? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #46 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 04:53 PM
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Re: Splitting bank accounts for an unusual reason?

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post #47 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 11:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Splitting bank accounts for an unusual reason?

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I've always loosely believe in Type A and Type B personalities. Although there are probably other types. The more detailed (therefore accurate) personality classifications might be the Meyers-Brigg categories.

Meanwhile, I had never even heard of "alpha" and "beta" men, until I came to TAM

Why do I think it's hogwash? Self-explanatory really. So, supposedly timid ,manipulative, insecure--yet hard-working, decent and moral "beta" makes a comfortable secure living for his wife and kids. He's p*ssywhipped, and has forfeited his happiness and true identity to an ungrateful spouse.

His wife walks all over him, treats him like a doormat---while secretly despising him and not wanting sex with him anymore. Or, she only gives him "vanilla" sex.

Contrast with "alpha" male. Super successful, studly, man's man. Accountable to no-one, unless he so chooses. Women are throwing themselves at him. Everyone respects him (as if he cares either way). Has his own independent life separate from his wife. Doesn't take any sh*t from anyone. And that's how his wife likes it. He can be a lowlife or a CEO. But he gets the great sex life. That seems to be the heart of the matter.

"Betas" are advised to become much more "alpha". One of the ways to do that is to buy a motorcycle, apparently.

Yes, I've oversimplified. I just don't believe any of it.


Cute chihuahua avatar, btw
I have never heard those views of alpha and beta. The only distinctions I've ever heard are simply how they present in public - Alpha being assertive/aggressive, Beta being more "I'll sit her and see who pays attention". A LOT of guys who present in public as Alpha are the *****whipped ones, because image is everything to them and the last thing they want is a wife criticizing them - at home or in public.

BTW, the Alpha/Beta stereotype is so common that when I was taking business classes, professors (of both genders) would refer to the two types, at least in classes that were working on team behavior. They didn't restrict it to men..and I have certainly had Alpha Females as bosses in my career!

Myers-Briggs was developed by mother/daughter team Myers and Briggs, with strong guidance from longtime family friend Karl Jung. It seeks to answer questions relating to how a man and woman get along in intimate settings, and what aspects of how they take in and process information will need management. Nothing about M-B relates to how a person behaves in public. An "alpha" male or "beta" male could test out as any of the 16 MB types.

Type A and type B boil down to whether a person pushes hard to get what they want versus being patient and waiting for it to arrive.

In most of my life, good stuff flies past so frequently that I don't think I miss much being Type B...except women. Not many of those cross my path.

MB is generally not regarded as accurate - just so common that it's useful as a reference.

I stumbled across the graphic of the chi, and it reminded me of my favorite dog, Dusty, who was a Chi mix. He loved everybody. I could take him to a party and he'd just navigate from one lap to the next, seeking attention, not food.
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post #48 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 11:57 PM
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Re: Splitting bank accounts for an unusual reason?

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But my wife seems totally possessed by the dollar - or in fear of it? She pores over entering receipts into the money software, and she pores over reports and she's frantic...somehow, even though we've had several financial advisors tell us "you could have quit working 10 years ago", she's in constant fear that we missed something and we will suddenly go broke. She fears this about everything - can't go for a walk in the forest because there might be bad guys out there with guns.
She needs counselling. Some kind of script for a mild anxiolytic could also help.

Does she enjoy planning? Does it give her some sense of control? I can suggest another reference if so, but I'd do it by PM since I know the author.
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post #49 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 02:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Splitting bank accounts for an unusual reason?

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She needs counselling. Some kind of script for a mild anxiolytic could also help.
Been seeing a couples counselor for a year. Also, both of us see her separately. She's strongly anti-drugs in the area of anti-psychotics, as am I, which would hinder her acceptance of the drug. But more importantly, she claims that this "fear" is her strongest beneficial belief - it has kept her from straying too far off the "good" path, it's kept her from being accosted by criminals, etc. There's no point getting counseling for something that you believe is your biggest strength!

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Does she enjoy planning? Does it give her some sense of control?
To the best of my ability to ascertain, no to the first one.

We have planned a few things. Despite agreeing to certain plans (for instance, who we'll see, where we'll go, when, during a 3-day trip to see family in San fran), it's as if there was no plan. I start to head out the door "this is when we said we'd head to the beach" and she says "but I'm going to go grocery shopping, so you go alone." What plan? Similar has happened in most cases when the plan is about activities.

On the other hand, if it's a construction project, and we get partly into it, and it's pretty clear that the plan can't be followed as written - that kind of fastener just isn't going to be strong enough - then when I propose we do something else instead, she gets very agitated about "violating" the plan, as if it's a law.

I have never seen her pull up a spreadsheet to evaluate future values of money, etc, although some time in the past, she claims to have been a bookkeeper.

We have a "sample plan" from a wealth manager that shows us spending $X per year, while they invest our money into vehicles that return anywhere from 2 to 12%. That is, there's more than one money bucket; the money we're spending today would come from the 2% fixed-rate bucket, while future buckets get more risky for more returns. She continues to claim she can't tell what this plan is proposing, but boy does she think we need to follow that $X per year as if a law presented from God. She actually goes ballistic if she sees that we broke that figure for even one week.

Mind you, the financial planner/wealth manager's written document says, over and over "this is a plan that shows success for 40 years given your current net worth and an assumption of spending habits. It does not represent a guarantee. Market returns, inflation and lifestyle alterations always happen and will necessitate a review and adjustment of the plan. In practice, if spending and earnings fall within 20% of given figures, the plan is being followed adequately. A desire to spend more can be compensated by adjusting risk level in the further out investments, for instance. If spending continues to fall under the limit, then we usually recommend altering long-term investments to ones with less volatility since you won't actually need market returns so high." In our meetings with him, he apparently sees her belief that somehow a "plan" is a guarantee and a rock-solid something, and cautions her that nothing is guaranteed, and if you have to alter the plan, you should feel very good about it because it means you are normal and alive.

I suppose one thing I keep forgetting to mention is that she is absolutely terrorized about uncertainty of anything, which explains a lot about why she interprets plans as she does and has to count every penny.


I've done project work for 40 years and to me a plan is a roadmap, which has predictions that may be wrong, may include errrors, and is subject to alteration if the weather is bad or your desires change. She apparently views a plan as something that, once written, is treated like the law.

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I can suggest another reference if so, but I'd do it by PM since I know the author.
I would be interested in that PM. I'm hoping, always, that I'll come across some explanation of the planning process that she can wrap her mind around. Haven't found it yet.

Thanks!

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post #50 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 02:08 PM
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Re: Splitting bank accounts for an unusual reason?

I'll send you the PM, although I'm now skeptical it will help based on this last post. Your wife sounds OCD, anxious or some of both. An anxiolytic is not an anti-psychotic. It's basically some variant of valium.

If she is anti-drug (of course she would be) then I would suggest a herbal tea with a natural relaxant. Something with valerian and/or lemon balm. Camomile won't be strong enough. I'm not a medico, btw, but don't take the teas with any other medication without checking with a pharmacist first.
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post #51 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 06:09 PM
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Re: Splitting bank accounts for an unusual reason?

Another option is natural supplements if she is opposed to meds. The book "Mood Cure" is an excellent source of info.
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post #52 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-16-2016, 06:00 AM
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Re: Splitting bank accounts for an unusual reason?

If a couple have very different ideas on how to manage money, I don't think any sort of account arrangement will work.

My wife and I pool all our money, then set aside some for each of us to use as we wish for our own fun.
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post #53 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-22-2016, 08:06 AM
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Re: Splitting bank accounts for an unusual reason?

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Our numbers are almost off the charts, both over 850.
That's quite an achievement since the FICO score caps at 850. You must have received extra credit points.
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post #54 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-22-2016, 04:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Splitting bank accounts for an unusual reason?

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That's quite an achievement since the FICO score caps at 850. You must have received extra credit points.
Fair-Isaac, the company that does the FICO score, does not state that there is a cap at all. The figure of 850 is used because people who obsess over it "can't remember the last time I saw anything above". Our banker will give us the figure. When he read mine to me a few months ago, I asked him how often he sees them over 850 and he says one or two per year. I asked him what the cap was and he said he didn't know but just a few weeks ago he saw 880. I said we never use credit, how can someone be higher? He said, "have an annual income of over $2 million, regularly borrow $100k to $500k and pay it back in less than two months. That's what the guy whose score was that high does. He buys houses, remodels, and sells them."

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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