At my wit's end with his spending - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2016, 01:19 PM Thread Starter
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At my wit's end with his spending

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't take it. My husband spends way too much and I am pretty sure it's getting spent on lottery tickets.
My husband and I married for almost 5 years but this has gotten way out of control over the last year.
He makes double my income. We each have our own account, the others name on each account so when you log into the bank you can see both accounts.
We each pay certain bills. He pays mortgage, car payments, cell phone, insurance and his own individual credit cards.
I pay gas, electric, water, sewage, garbage, internet, cable, and purchase all the groceries. I also have my own individual credit cards and student loan payment.
When I am done paying my stuff and buying groceries I have very little left.
He can sometimes have 500+ left after paying his bills.
I see him taking out so many cash withdrawals $40 $60 $100 .. from his last paycheck alone I added up cash withdrawals to a total of $770. But there is nothing to show for this. No new clothes for him which he needs, but I refuse to buy because I can barely buy myself clothes when I need them. Nothing new around the house, things that needed fixed still broken. So I am guessing he spent it on lottery tickets.
He hit a ticket 2 months ago so now the fever is even worse. He brought home 7,500. He did give me 1,500 for an item I had been wanting for a long time. He paid off vacation we booked last year left him with about 3,500. It was gone in a matter of days. Same thing. Nothing accomplished he promised around the house.
I don't know how much more of this I can take.
When I talk to him about it I get "my money is my money and your money is yours stay out of mine."
He gets defensive and will not tell me where this money is going because it's not mine anyway I guess.
He accuses me of wanting all his money and I don't. I would just like to be able to afford to fix things around the house when needed. I would like to be able to buy new bras without having to put them on a charge card. He can still buy lottery tickets but there needs to be a stopping point. I dont know what to do but I can't take much more.

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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2016, 01:22 PM
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Re: At my wit's end with his spending

So, how's the marriage? In love? Frequent and good sex? Because from here, it sounds like roommates.
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2016, 01:27 PM
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Re: At my wit's end with his spending

I think you should have a budget for what each of you can spend on whatever you want. If he chooses to spend this "fun money" on lottery tickets, that's fine. Just agree that the normal budget can only be spent on things for both of you.
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2016, 01:27 PM Thread Starter
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Oh that's a whole different can of worms that I didn't figure belonged in this forum
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2016, 01:31 PM
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Re: At my wit's end with his spending

I'm guessing you have bigger problems than what he does with his "own" money.

If you're not happy, use this as your exit excuse. Trust me, life is too short to stay in a miserable marriage. Be happy.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2016, 01:37 PM
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Re: At my wit's end with his spending

He needs to attend Gamblers Anonymous.

He is an addict. Very destructive. Does he drink a lot, also?

You "assume" that he is spending it on his gambling.

Hopefully NOT with a two-armed bandit... with Red Hair and open palm...open morals.

He is also a Gamboler, an immature Colt, wearing Blinders.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2016, 01:53 PM
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Re: At my wit's end with his spending

.

Last edited by notmyrealname4; 07-20-2016 at 03:30 PM.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-22-2016, 09:07 AM
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Re: At my wit's end with his spending

It sounds like you may need to revisit the allocation of the bill paying. Also, perhaps set up another account just for the home improvements?
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-22-2016, 09:50 AM
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Re: At my wit's end with his spending

So, he pays for the roof over your head, both your cars, and both your auto and health insurances. You are upset because he doesn't give you whatever is left over?

Just trying to get the facts straight here .
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-22-2016, 09:56 AM
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Re: At my wit's end with his spending

Are all the bills paid on time? Do you have money set aside for a comfortable retirement? Do you have kids and money allocated for their education?

If the answer to all these are "yes" then who cares what he does with the extra money (assuming he isn't having an affair)? If the answer is no, then you need to set up a budget for those things. What ever money is left over for his personal use is his business.

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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-22-2016, 05:06 PM
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Re: At my wit's end with his spending

Quote:
Originally Posted by Honeybel View Post
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't take it. My husband spends way too much and I am pretty sure it's getting spent on lottery tickets.
My husband and I married for almost 5 years but this has gotten way out of control over the last year.
He makes double my income. We each have our own account, the others name on each account so when you log into the bank you can see both accounts.
We each pay certain bills. He pays mortgage, car payments, cell phone, insurance and his own individual credit cards.
I pay gas, electric, water, sewage, garbage, internet, cable, and purchase all the groceries. I also have my own individual credit cards and student loan payment.
When I am done paying my stuff and buying groceries I have very little left.
He can sometimes have 500+ left after paying his bills.
I see him taking out so many cash withdrawals $40 $60 $100 .. from his last paycheck alone I added up cash withdrawals to a total of $770. But there is nothing to show for this. No new clothes for him which he needs, but I refuse to buy because I can barely buy myself clothes when I need them. Nothing new around the house, things that needed fixed still broken. So I am guessing he spent it on lottery tickets.
He hit a ticket 2 months ago so now the fever is even worse. He brought home 7,500. He did give me 1,500 for an item I had been wanting for a long time. He paid off vacation we booked last year left him with about 3,500. It was gone in a matter of days. Same thing. Nothing accomplished he promised around the house.
I don't know how much more of this I can take.
When I talk to him about it I get "my money is my money and your money is yours stay out of mine."
He gets defensive and will not tell me where this money is going because it's not mine anyway I guess.
He accuses me of wanting all his money and I don't. I would just like to be able to afford to fix things around the house when needed. I would like to be able to buy new bras without having to put them on a charge card. He can still buy lottery tickets but there needs to be a stopping point. I dont know what to do but I can't take much more.
Well, if you've set things up with "his" and "hers" money, then he's right...it's his.

And, I think you really can't address it as if it's gambling addiction. It might be, but you can't stop a gambler.

What you CAN do is state what you need. And what you need is more money. Explain that due to inflation, or kids new school has higher lunch costs...or whatever...you need about $200 more each month in your account. That will reduce how much he can spend. It can be set up as a monthly auto-deposit from his to yours.

Consider this, too: I think a person should be willing to agree to a max per month they'll spend, unless they make a special request. "My car needs tires, OK if I spend up to $800 on that this month?"

I'd suggest a minimal financial plan too, which is nothing more than
1) Having an emergency fund/account, whose balance stays at about 6 months of your regular spending. Not income, but spending. This will cover a set of tires, a roof, etc, and then you have to replenish the account.

2) Any time the emergency account is below the target amount (for us it's $15,000), there's an agreement that you pay $X per month and he pays $Y into it to build it back up. The emergency account, in theory, should only be used for items affecting the whole family anyway, so there should be no quibbles over "Hey, that was your car that needed the repair, so you pay it all!". Each car contributes to the family's well-being, so you jointly pay for them.

3) Have a frequently-stated primary financial objective. "Get house paid off by ... date" or "contribute X per year to retirement", so that either one of you has to think carefully about going over spending limits and whether it will impede achieving this annual objective.


I lived, for some time, with a woman who could not keep herself from spending on window coverings. I mean, $50k per year!!! She at least recognized that this was not good and promised to restrain herself. But she couldn't. So, since she knew she had the struggle, she agreed to have most of her paycheck auto-deposited into an account of mine, which I did not touch except to send some back out to her. The rule I had to obey was this: No matter what it was for, when she asked for money, give it to her. Period. So, she didn't feel I was in control...but she DID have to admit that her spending was more visible. It was enough to stop the problem. Don't know if that helps or not.


Best of luck!

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-22-2016, 09:27 PM
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Re: At my wit's end with his spending

Her husband isn't going to listen to any of that budgeting advice, he's going to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants because it's "his" money and not hers and who is she to tell him what to do?
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-27-2016, 02:17 PM
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Re: At my wit's end with his spending

There needs to be an agreement that a PERCENTAGE of each paycheck, from both of you, goes into an account that handles bills and repairs and taxes, etc. IIWY, assuming he agrees, as soon as he puts that money into that account each period, I would take it out and put it into a savings account, so you can afford to take care of the house and whatever else.
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-27-2016, 02:49 PM
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Re: At my wit's end with his spending

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Originally Posted by anonmd View Post
So, he pays for the roof over your head, both your cars, and both your auto and health insurances. You are upset because he doesn't give you whatever is left over?

Just trying to get the facts straight here .
Um, how about investing into their future, their retirement their anything.

I hate the concept of separate accounts. It doesn't work. If you need your own money to gamble, drink, but presents or play video games or whatever, set aside 100 a month, 200 a month, whatever, but equal on both sides. Enough to enjoy, but keep it modest and allow you to invest in the future.

Once you are married, you are a joint force. You should be focusing on your future together and the only reason to have your own accounts/credit cards is to be secretive, which is destructive.
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