For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #31 of 78 (permalink) Old 07-27-2016, 10:27 AM
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Re: For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc?

You've tried understanding, and explaining, and empathy, and compromise. None of that has worked. Maybe it's time to confront her obsessions, gently but firmly, and set limits. If necessary, separate your accounts and do not give her information about yours (except maybe at year end). Tough love time, perhaps?


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post #32 of 78 (permalink) Old 07-27-2016, 10:51 AM
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Re: For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc?

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Actually, banks do this because of the overwhelming statistic that shows that if people use cards instead of cash, they spend, on average 2X as much. I've taken a few marketing classes and this example is brought up in all of them.
Either way they loose on me
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post #33 of 78 (permalink) Old 07-27-2016, 03:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc?

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It's seems like you are the only one trying to compromise. That's not going to work. She needs to show tolerance of your view of money and to be willing to meet you in the middle.

Would you consider marriage counseling to address this issue?!?
'been in counseling for over a year. Counselor says she has really deep-seated fears...and believes they are a good thing to have! Thus, change on that matter is unlikely. Therefore, counselor says, I need to concentrate on "taking care of myself". So, my objective is to make some sort of tangible line that says "I will handle everything on this side of the line, you handle everything on that side of the line."

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #34 of 78 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 11:49 PM
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Re: For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc?

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What I have learned after divorce was to filter everything through a credit card with cash back points. And I mean EVERYTHING! If I could filter my mortgage payment through that I would lol.

Reason being it 2 fold, one everything is in One spot which I can access online anytime. No input of any data just need to look once a week

Second the cash back is great. This year I moved and paid off bills, a truck, new flooring, moving expenses. I how have 600$Cash back rewards that I will use for my Ireland trip in two months. It is essentially just free money I wouldn't have otherwise had if I paid cash. Now why do the banks do this? Because most people don't pay off thier CC each month and I do to avoid any fees. Most people carry a balance which in the end benefits the bank. If you can be disciplined and pay off your CC each month this is a great way to go for some free money
This is what I do... and feel.. darn I wish we could pay college balances/ loans this way & when we had that mortgage....all of it on my credit card..never made $600 back in 1 year though... a good $350 we have ....

We've never written up a budget .... we're not high earners in comparison to many... larger family in tow...we'd never buy a newer car... we have $200 a week going straight into his credit Union.. or maybe it's $150 (I forget)... I just upped his 401K to 40% since I'm working more now...we have been debt free since before having our last son....

We just always seek the best deals, lower cost options -but also weigh it against value...whether it be for vacationing, getting work done on the house...so when something comes up.. we have the money for it.. we've accumulated a nice stash of savings over the years...we try to never get into it... feeling this is more for emergencies...but there have been times we dipped - for a special larger purchase...

We had a retaining wall built for like $13,000 one year and a month later, bought a shed for $5,000 then a used Utility vehicle for $3,500 all in 3 months.. that was a LARGE dip for us.. but still lots of money to spare....if not..the shed & Yerf Dog just wouldn't have been bought. Those were things on our "Wanted" list.. but not really NEEDED list..

If ever our funds are low.. we'd only buy what is NEEDED...and wants would take a back seat -till we had a good stash built back up...that's pretty much the core of our managing money...

Like anyone else..there are things we'd love to buy.. a special vacation we'd love to take.. etc..money is there to be enjoyed too.


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post #35 of 78 (permalink) Old 07-29-2016, 12:13 AM
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Re: For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc?

your wife is getting a psychological lift from being thrifty. The only way to get past this is to find out what - in her childhood - drove her to believe that she is only worthy and admirable if she can cut every cent off her expenses.

What have you done to explore that?
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post #36 of 78 (permalink) Old 07-30-2016, 03:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc?

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your wife is getting a psychological lift from being thrifty. The only way to get past this is to find out what - in her childhood - drove her to believe that she is only worthy and admirable if she can cut every cent off her expenses.

What have you done to explore that?
I see no psychological lift from anything she does. She actually isn't all that thrifty...once she decides something is "necessary", she thinks it's OK to buy it. There were years when she spent over $10,000 on dog care - for a healthy dog. I asked her why and she said "look at what it was spent on, what would you have deprived the dog of?" (in a confrontational voice). She's just fearful - of everything. Not just money. We can go for a walk in the woods and around every corner she utters what animal she thinks is in wait for us!

She was raised upper middle class - the parents were able to afford private school for all six kids. But the parents spoke as if they were broke...they never told the kids "no", they always said "we can't afford it". It was some kind of message from childhood that led her to think that the world is full of lots of badness and the only way to survive is to avoid it. Neither she, nor any of her siblings were taught to seek happiness and goodness, it seems. And there've been no tragedies, no physical abuse or anything like that.

In a year+ of counseling, neither I, nor the counselor, has seen signs that she believes herself worthy of anything...she seems to be driven, if anything, by a need to please someone...obedience to a boss, teacher, parent seemed to be what propelled her in her youth...and at work. An extreme form of what's called a "people pleasure" personality.

But...that's moot, as it's not "my business". My role is to take care of myself, so I'm trying to find ways to spend less time talking about/managing money, without it seeming like I'm telling her off.

Counseling today went oddly, think I'll top post about it.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #37 of 78 (permalink) Old 07-30-2016, 05:25 PM
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Re: For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc?

Her psychological lift is probably that she is not doing what her parents did. And guess what? Even fearful or self-doubting people get 'lifts' or 'feel goods' about things. Every one of us has drivers. If you want a decent marriage, it behooves you to figure hers out.

Or...you could just ignore her and be a roommate.
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post #38 of 78 (permalink) Old 07-31-2016, 01:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc?

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Her psychological lift is probably that she is not doing what her parents did. And guess what? Even fearful or self-doubting people get 'lifts' or 'feel goods' about things. Every one of us has drivers. If you want a decent marriage, it behooves you to figure hers out.

Or...you could just ignore her and be a roommate.
I don't see a difference between what she is doing and her parents.

Her parents chose something very expensive (private school), called it "required", then complained from then on that they had no money. All evidence today (based on balances in the estate) are that they had plenty.

My wife chooses things (dogs, alternative health supplements) that she spends a great deal on, calls them "required", then complains perpetually that we spend too much, will run out, etc...despite the evidence in our account balances and advice from financial advisors.

Both her and her parents claimed to be frugal, but were not frugal in a few categories, where they placed no limits on spending.

Seems the same to me, LOL!

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #39 of 78 (permalink) Old 07-31-2016, 02:34 PM
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Re: For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc?

But that's your opinion. She sees her view through her EMOTIONS about her family.

I'm just trying to say, you can feel what you want about it, but until you can understand how SHE feels about it, nothing will change.
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post #40 of 78 (permalink) Old 07-31-2016, 11:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc?

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But that's your opinion. She sees her view through her EMOTIONS about her family.

I'm just trying to say, you can feel what you want about it, but until you can understand how SHE feels about it, nothing will change.
I know she sees it through her emotions...as do all unenlightened people (which is all but one in a million of us, including me). Even though I actually do understand this is how it is, nothing will change.

And that's how it should be. It is never "OK" for one person to change - or attempt to change - another. It's just wrong. And I don't generally believe in wrong/right...life is all lived in the rainbow between those black/white views.

You do not change someone else by understanding them. You change you. And that change might be "Oh, I see, this is why. And if this is the way this is, then in order for us to get along, I have to do that. And I don't want to do that, it is something I never would have voluntarily chosen and it's big, so I am done." Not sure that's where I am, but getting closer.


There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #41 of 78 (permalink) Old 07-31-2016, 11:23 PM
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Re: For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc?

Ok, 'enlightened one,' what are YOU doing to change your family dynamics?
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post #42 of 78 (permalink) Old 08-01-2016, 06:20 AM
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Re: For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc?

Send her overseas to do volunteer work in a place where people have to worry about how to feed their kids.

She has some serious issues that budgeting won't fix. If it is not mental health issues then she is just self absorbed and ungreatful. How sad to have the money but not be able to enjoy it.
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post #43 of 78 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 08:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc?

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Either way they loose on me
Probably not. When you use a card, debit or credit, the merchant is charged a fee by the issuing bank. 1.5 to 2.5 percent for purchases that equal a week of groceries. For very small purchases, a fixed minimum fee.

Used to be that the prevalence of card usage was driving up prices...that was when fees were typically 5-7%. In the Western World, merchant contracts prohibited different pricing for cash vs. card, so merchants routinely uplifted prices by enough to mostly cover these fees.

As electronic banking came to its full fruition and internet competition arose, the fees dropped to today's lower levels. Plus, the regulations for handling cash, in most jurisdictions, became more strict. So, for most merchants, it's more expensive to handle cash than cards nowadays.

But still, when you use a card, your bank smiles.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #44 of 78 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 08:48 AM
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Re: For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc?

We don't have a budget and are fine. We make important or expensive purchases together. This stops us going crazy over small purchases. I am lucky he pays the bills.

Never forget the three powerful resources you always have available to you: love, prayer, and forgiveness.
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post #45 of 78 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 09:52 AM
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Re: For the 40-60 crowd: how do you spend/budget, etc?

I can't and won,t control my wife's spending by arguing or verbal abuse .She works and works hard and doe's very well.

However, as the spending continues.......I just increase my 401K contributions.Which is now up to $650.00 per pay period (26 per year)

I know it seems PA but I have explained this to her if you do X........I will do Y

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