Joint bank accounts & trust issues - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #31 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 07:07 PM
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Re: Joint bank accounts & trust issues

Call me inflammatory, but I view this somewhat like cheating. It's bad she did it, it's worse she didn't tell you herself.

The mail thing is just more odd. Is that how you discovered the account, because you opened her mail?

Also, does your wife have her own income?

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post #32 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 07:17 PM
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Re: Joint bank accounts & trust issues

OP please keep posting with updates to your situation...
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post #33 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-29-2016, 09:10 AM
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Re: Joint bank accounts & trust issues

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Originally Posted by sapientia View Post
Call me inflammatory, but I view this somewhat like cheating. It's bad she did it, it's worse she didn't tell you herself.

The mail thing is just more odd. Is that how you discovered the account, because you opened her mail?
Dare I say we agree on something...

I'm going to disagree with you by being more inflammatory than you were. It isn't somewhat like cheating, it is cheating. You're being too nice to his wife on this!

Anything that is dishonest is a form of cheating within the marriage.

Your description of how you and your husband manage your finances is exactly how it should be done, where you both have access and knowledge, which leads to the easy trust between you. I bet if something odd happens that your first reaction isn't that your husband is pulling a fast one on you, because you have trust in the relationship. The reason you have trust is that he is worthy of trust, and of course you are worthy of trust and are thus trusted.

I think it is a fairly recent development where financial misconduct is being recognized as financial infidelity, similar to how we now talk about emotional affairs. Anything which is sneaky and dishonest will destroy trust and destroy love, and I believe is in violation of the marriage vows.
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post #34 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-29-2016, 11:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Joint bank accounts & trust issues

Well, to come clean, these events actually happened quite some time ago. In the end, other trust issues surfaced as well. As some correctly assumed, she was getting ready to go her own way (or send me on mine). We parted company, me very much poorer, and she very much richer. I can't believe how naive I was back then (probably still am). But in the end we both ended up with someone much more suitable.

I was having a disagreement over this with a family member, and wanted to get people's thoughts and advice as they would have given it at the time, rather than in hindsight - hence framing the question in the present tense. Thanks to those who gave their advice, I wish I'd had the benefit of it back then! And hopefully it may prove useful to someone else who reads this.
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post #35 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-03-2016, 06:06 PM
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Re: Joint bank accounts & trust issues

Ha, well, not exactly a troll I suppose.

I lent a roommate my debit card years ago to borrow some cash for an emergency. That went fine. What wasn't so fine was her sneaking into my room weeks later and stealing my card to take more cash. I confronted her at her workplace, got my money back and have been much more careful ever since.

I had a similar issue a few years later helping out an old friend. I have since learned to be VERY careful "lending" money to family and friends. For the former, I treat it like a gift. For the latter, I just don't do it.

Some people are very... fluid.. about repaying others their generosity. Money is a funny thing, even for some otherwise very decent people. I prefer not to test those limits, so I just don't go there anymore.
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post #36 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 11:55 AM
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Re: Joint bank accounts & trust issues

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I didn't know of the account, so I didn't know about the interest. Besides which, she handles all the financial stuff, including tax. Maybe not any more!
Why? Why didn't you involve yourself in it? My STBXH buried his head in the sand when it came to finances. He hates every aspect of it. It was maddening. It's a good thing I'm an honest person because I could have easily done what your wife did. I did have my own bank account that I put money into each month because I was saving up for divorce. But, I told him I was doing it. He never did ask about it, though. I would have gladly logged into the account so he knew what was going on, but I would have never added him to it.

Edited to say oops. Old thread. My apologies.
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post #37 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-01-2017, 02:42 PM
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Re: Joint bank accounts & trust issues

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When we got married, my wife and I set up a single, joint bank account into which all our money goes. There are no individual accounts. Years later, I’ve discovered she has withdrawn thousands of dollars from this joint bank account, and deposited it into an interest bearing deposit in her own name only. She didn’t tell me about this. When I asked her for an explanation, she told me she did it to earn higher interest, and that she put it solely in her name so she wouldn’t have to go to the trouble of getting my signature. We’ve taken out a number of such investments before, always in joint names. On no previous occasion have we done so without consulting.

Additionally, we had a simple arrangement for many years, ever since we were first married. Whomever gets home first collects the mail and opens it, no matter to whom it is addressed – my wife, myself, or both. This is not a formal arrangement, it is just the way it has been done. Again, after many years, my wife one day announced that she doesn’t want me to open her mail any more – and of course, she won’t open mine. Privacy, she says. I thought this odd, but didn’t make a fuss, and dutifully obeyed. My wife, however, on a number of occasions since has “accidentally” opened my mail.

I’m thinking that there is something going on here that I need to me concerned about. Do you agree, or am I being needlessly suspicious?


What I did is as follows:

- my wife and I both have our own bank accounts
- both accounts are joint spousal
- she works, has her bills and play money
- I work, have my bills and play money
- we both have our own cars
- we both have our own cell phones
- we both have our own credit cards
- joint spousal credit cards
- line of credit we both use

We can see all finances whenever we wish at any time.

I am the one to spend money on upgrades and repairs way more than she does. So I am the spender were as she is the frugal one.

We don't fight about money much, if at all.

I make sure the bills are paid early, investments go through and meet contractors for repairs and upgrades.

I don't go through my wife's emails or cell phone.

I don't check / open her mail either.

I only open all mail when it comes to finances.

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post #38 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 04:01 PM
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I'm glad this came up. My wife and I have a joint checking/money market and a LOC on our home (I was on the original mortgage and previous refinances) and I am still on the Title of the house but NOT on the current mortgage. She did this because at the time I was the full time caregiver for our disabled son and as such had no income. She claimed it wasn't necessary for me to be on the loan.

Recently, we were informed of an adjustment on our escrow which was worded ambiguously and she asked that I call the bank. Much to my surprise they would not divulge any information to me because I was not on the mortgage and she didn't have me named as being authorized to discuss the loan even though my name was on the note to the house. I feel like I've been demoted to being a squatter.
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post #39 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 04:26 PM
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Cool Re: Joint bank accounts & trust issues

Too many red flags here! Get your name on that account and then go into super-sleuth mode!

Somewhat reminiscent of my FXW cleaning out our safe deposit box just prior to filing for D against me!

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post #40 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 04:35 PM
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Re: Joint bank accounts & trust issues

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Too many red flags here! Get your name on that account and then go into super-sleuth mode!

Somewhat reminiscent of my FXW cleaning out our safe deposit box just prior to filing for D against me!
You're a dollar short and more than a day late.

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post #41 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 04:43 PM
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You're a dollar short and more than a day late.
Which, unfortunately, I often am!

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post #42 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 04:52 PM
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Re: Joint bank accounts & trust issues

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Which, unfortunately, I often am!
Look before you leap.

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post #43 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 05:03 PM
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Re: Joint bank accounts & trust issues

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I’m thinking that there is something going on here that I need to me concerned about. Do you agree, or am I being needlessly suspicious?
Have you seen any proof that this secret interest-bearing account really exists? She might have used it as an excuse to cover up a gambling or spending problem.
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post #44 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 05:05 PM
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Re: Joint bank accounts & trust issues

There should be a law against posting on a multipage thread after only reading the first post.
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post #45 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 08:20 PM
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Re: Joint bank accounts & trust issues

Hello,
Have her split that money with you. You keep 1/2 and put it a bank account. It will be your escape fund should she kick you out of your home. She keeps the account you keep yours. You those keep equal amounts in it. Divert a certain amount to each account equally per month. See a counselor togethet to find out what is up with your marriage that she had to do that. Read the book "First Comes Love, Then Comes Money, by Bethany and Scott Palmer. In my case we had $4K in reserve to pay an electrician, insurance money. We used $2K to pay bills, two months later I spent the last 2K to pay 1,5 bills of hers and 1.5 bills of mine. 2 were joint owned past due car payment. I chose to make an executive decision to do this to not get further behind the bills. I am out of work or underemployed. I wanted to cut cable, internet and the land line until I got a better paying job. I also wanted her son and live in girlfriend to help pay 1/6 of the expenses for rent and other niceties they are using free in the house. Just for a short-time. I also nagged for 7 years they need to move out. Any way my asking for cuts on technology, TV, Cable and Cell phone just fell on deaf ears. She always stonewalled and we just could get our finances in order should we need to replace a appliance or pay a $500.00 Emergency room medical bill. Two days later she said we are divorcing you. I paid it because I just got tired of carrying the expense. After she told me we are divorcing I laughed and said "shoot, I wanted to tell you first!" Then I told her the five things I was divorcing her for. She said it don't matter we have our own reason we don't care what the reason is. We are done!, I told her I can't agree more. She can go find another guy to treat and respect badly.

Money, step children, lack of communication, and housekeeping skills (hoarding or failure to clean up for yourself over time) is the top reason for divorce. Would you believe it outranks adultery! Go figure.
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