Financial separation...chosen in therapy? - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 1 (permalink) Old 07-30-2016, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
DustyDog's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Edging slowly closer to the frozen tundra
Posts: 464
Financial separation...chosen in therapy?

Brief background:
Wife is in fear of everything, but money seems to top the list. We have enough. Plenty. Doesn't stop her from demanding I spend lots of time obsessing, as she does. Fear has driven her to do other things, pulling away from me in many ways, especially as I follow the recommendation "take care of yourself", which means I'm not following her into her anxious rabbit-holes.

D or not? Don't want to, but I figured it was time to learn about both Plan D and Plan M, and get prepared to make a move.

One part of M has been for us to put our collected savings together into accounts managed by an agency. Well, she just comes up with reason after reason not to trust outsiders. Part of plan D would be, IMO, make a financial separation first...then the rest of Plan D would happen a bit quicker/easier.

Well, surprise me if you will! She sends an email to me "You like those guys, I don't, how about you put your money with them, and I will continue to self-manage mine?". Later, she retracted this suggestion.

But today in counseling, she once again told the counselor "I don't trust those financial guys". Counselor said "what can you do to increase your trust?" I said "Why don't we do what you suggested? I'll invest my part of the money with those guys, and you keep doing what you've been doing?" Counselor almost interrupted me "Wow, that sounds perfect! Don't you think so, Mrs. Dog? Your money would not be at all affected by people you don't trust!"

Mrs. Dog kind of goes silent, and my brain asks myself a question and I just ask it aloud. "Mrs. Dog, do you trust me more with money, or the outside advisors?" Mrs. Dog has no problem answer that one "You, of course!". I was shocked - she doesn't trust anybody with anything. Counselor opens her eyes wide and says "this sounds perfect, Mrs. Dog. Let him be the barrier between you and the outside advisors. He can tell you what they advise and whether he trusts them, and you can invest your money that way if you wish." Mrs. Dog puts up some weak complaints, but it feels like a done deal.

I was actually thinking of doing just this, as a step 1 in splitting the monies formally...and now it's blessed by counselor, who actually is in favor of both of us mentally preparing for Plan D or Plan M.

I'll still go check with a D attorney, so I have an idea how a situation like ours would be treated legally. Simply having the money split up is only a start...if that means I'm confronted with less anxiety, it's a help...but I have to admit there are times I've felt that the money anxiety was being used as a way to avoid discussing what I think are more important things like, how come you don't want to spend any time with me?

The world works in strange and mysterious ways....

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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