Lies and financial infidelity - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-05-2016, 02:06 PM
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Re: Lies and financial infidelity

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Originally Posted by happydad View Post
I agree and she does this a lot, oh whoa is me, I screwed up. If I get upset with her which I have in the past at her being flirtatious with others she immediately goes straight for sex almost as if its an aphrodisiac. She uses sex to cover up issues and has a habit of always putting things back on me.
She is very sharp, very tuned-in to her own-ed behavior.

She knows right from wrong...She is not in a Fog of Denial.

I see serious [lack of] impulse control here...on her part.

Could this behavior [also] have led to an EA/PA?

Lack of sex for last year is a Red Flag...you know this.

Another Red Flag. fervid sexual bonding when Infidelity doubt is laid at her feet.

Not enough proof at this point to say she has cheated....and not enough proof to deny it is/has gone on.

Continue to be vigilant.

Start using VAR therapy...this therapy is for you. Place one VAR in her car and one in the place in the house where she conducts most of her phone usage. This will only expose ongoing or new illicit activity and may not bring to surface past dalliances....unless she has a confidant that she shares her feelings with.

If you assume this role....as Monsieur Snooper, you must let off the pressure and questioning. Once she feels out of the spotlight and out of Doubting Thomas's sight, she may resume her possible adulterous tactics.

Assume that she is innocent until proven the opposite. She is guilty of spending your money, this is fact.

Is she guilty of spending your sexual and emotional trust? Time will tell....or not.

Good Luck....hope it is only Green Cabbage Fever in your love garden...not Cucumber over-planting.


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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-05-2016, 09:35 PM
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Re: Lies and financial infidelity

You should split up your finances and contribute jointly to the house, childcare and other responsibilities from your own separate accounts. She handles her bills and debt, and you handle yours.

Base it on a salary percentage so it's fair, and that way you have some control over this runaway train.

Of course if you ultimately divorce you'll still share her debt but at least you can get on top of some of these problems now. She sounds remorseful, now is the time to get her to agree to this.
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 11:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Lies and financial infidelity

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
She is very sharp, very tuned-in to her own-ed behavior.

She knows right from wrong...She is not in a Fog of Denial.

I see serious [lack of] impulse control here...on her part.

Could this behavior [also] have led to an EA/PA?

Lack of sex for last year is a Red Flag...you know this.

Another Red Flag. fervid sexual bonding when Infidelity doubt is laid at her feet.

Not enough proof at this point to say she has cheated....and not enough proof to deny it is/has gone on.

Continue to be vigilant.

Start using VAR therapy...this therapy is for you. Place one VAR in her car and one in the place in the house where she conducts most of her phone usage. This will only expose ongoing or new illicit activity and may not bring to surface past dalliances....unless she has a confidant that she shares her feelings with.

If you assume this role....as Monsieur Snooper, you must let off the pressure and questioning. Once she feels out of the spotlight and out of Doubting Thomas's sight, she may resume her possible adulterous tactics.

Assume that she is innocent until proven the opposite. She is guilty of spending your money, this is fact.

Is she guilty of spending your sexual and emotional trust? Time will tell....or not.

Good Luck....hope it is only Green Cabbage Fever in your love garden...not Cucumber over-planting.
No lack of sex the past year, only the past year of my suspitions, I tried the VAR a few times and nothing, gps showed nothing as well.
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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 02:03 PM
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Re: Lies and financial infidelity

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No lack of sex the past year, only the past year of my suspitions, I tried the VAR a few times and nothing, gps showed nothing as well.
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You need to use the VAR and GPS consistently for a few weeks, not randomly and sporadically.
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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 03:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Lies and financial infidelity

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You need to use the VAR and GPS consistently for a few weeks, not randomly and sporadically.
I used the GPS for two months with nothing, and used the VAR for a few weeks with nothing. She has a two minute commute and doesn't drive often.
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post #21 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-09-2016, 05:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Lies and financial infidelity

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Happy dad,

With the little information you have the polygraph route is the only way you have any chance to find out the truth, regardless of any potential flaws.

In some cases, just the demand for a polygraph produces what is called a parking lot confession if they believe that they are going to get caught anyway.

However, be careful, many times you will get a little more information in order to try to get you to believe you have it all and cancel the test.

my suggestion to you is to tell her if she want to prove she is telling the truth that she needs to take the test. She should jump at the opportunity., On the other hand if she has been cheating she will resemble Casper The Ghost.

You should bring it up even if you have no intention of doing it ( which I think is a big mistake on your part)
@straightshooter, I'm not sure if you have any experience with polygraph tests, but I've been reading up on them more and more and it seems that they are regularly used by counselors. I'm trying to figure out the best way to approach the subject.

I'm thinking about saying something along the lines of "I've talked with a relationship coach and was advised that this is a great tool to confirm the truth and ease my suspicions, therefore getting us back to a better spot with my insecurities and confirming her story of her just being overly friendly, which she states over and over.

This past weekend we laid everything on the line financially with her giving me usernames and passwords for all her accounts and agreeing that she can't spend beyond our budget, so she is feeling like we are back on track already, but knows it is a long road to full trust.

I feel like a poly could make the road a lot shorter, my question is about her reactions. If she calls me crazy, turns white, etc, or just flat out says no I can only assume that she has something to hide? Is there anything out there that says polygraphs are just plain taboo and an all out relationship killer to even suggest one?
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post #22 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-09-2016, 06:54 PM
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Re: Lies and financial infidelity

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I feel like a poly could make the road a lot shorter, my question is about her reactions. If she calls me crazy, turns white, etc, or just flat out says no I can only assume that she has something to hide?
It's nowhere near as simple as that.

Those responses could be the natural nervous defensive reactions of an honest person subjected to a test they find insulting.

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Is there anything out there that says polygraphs are just plain taboo and an all out relationship killer to even suggest one?
Even if there is it doesn't mean it's right.
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post #23 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-09-2016, 09:30 PM
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Re: Lies and financial infidelity

HappyDad,

I am sending you a PM. LET ME KNOW IF YOU RECEIVE IT
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post #24 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 02:29 AM
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I can understand what you are dealing with because my wife lies in a very similar way on money. I don't even know how much dept she has. In the past she hid over 70k of debt on business loan, goods and stolen money.

She never changed and I don't think that she will do better she only changes the way she lies and hide things.

In my opinion you dont have to waste your energy trying to find out why she does these things and worst trying to change her.
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post #25 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-17-2016, 05:00 PM
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Re: Lies and financial infidelity

My XWW was bad with money and hid a few debts from me during the marriage. All I can tell you from experience is that it won't change and if she can lie to you about money then it's in her psyche to lie about anything as a means of avoiding consequence. Your choices are either to accept her for who she is (including the bad) or divorce her. The choice is yours.

I actually have suspected that my XWW's hiding her financial irresponsibility from me was a contributor to her having an affair. She probably had quite a bit of latent guilt about how she was purposely mishandling money, which somehow built to resentment towards me. Of course this is all speculation on my part and doesn't matter anymore.

One piece of cautionary advice for anyone dealing with a spouse hiding credit card debt is to also periodically double check the retirement accounts and student loan accounts. When I caught my XWW hiding credit card debt early in our marriage we did the mature thing and agreed to only have joint credit cards so we could both monitor the spending and prevent that situation from happening again. Since she was unable to live within a budget her eventual deceitful solution was to slowly liquidate her retirement funds and have the money transferred to a personal savings account that I didn't have access to. I only found out about this during the divorce discovery process when her account was empty. I also found out that somehow her student loan debt grew despite our budgeting money to pay it off, so I assume she got a student loan deferment too and spent her monthly student loan payment allocation. Basically, I'm just saying to check everything because the more you catch her doing the sneakier she'll become.

Good luck. I hope it works out better for you than it did for me.

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post #26 of 29 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 02:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Lies and financial infidelity

I update my original post with events from the past few days. Please advise.
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post #27 of 29 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 09:38 AM
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Re: Lies and financial infidelity - Updated 9/7

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So I went out of town for the weekend on a guys trip and set up a VAR in the bedroom and car (didn't work properly in the car) and GPS. She spent Saturday with my two young kids with the wives and kids of the friends I was with and the kids stayed the night and Saturday night (10pm) my wife took an odd detour through our neighborhood where we live coming home, very close but not directly in front of one of my suspected POSOM lives, she was also intoxicated so this could be why. I listed to the VAR at the time she got home, and it wasn't very loud and she turned on the AC unit which was next to the VAR but I could still here the TV and or her voice when she was talking. All I heard was ouch like she hurt herself, then I hear a lot of the dog, which sleeps in our bed then I hear "F*CK me" and then it went quiet for 30 seconds then I heard what could be slapping sex sounds but also could very easily be the dog to which she says "I am so f*cked up and you hear her getting up from the bed.

I listened to this yesterday morning and flew off the handle and pulled the anonymous email you need to come clean or we are done routine thinking I had solid evidence. She said she was home with my step daughter when she got home and I asked my step daughter she said she worked until 1am. I asked her if she drove home the same way she drives home every time and she said yes, of course. So two lies I caught her with. She is hysterical at this point and she drove to my office and grilled me asking for the email and saying she can't handle me and my accusations. She said this same thing when I initially found out about the finances basically saying how much I hurt her when I accuse her of cheating and/or having feelings for somebody else immediately followed by how ashamed she is and will do anything to make me trust her again.

She didn't come clean with anything and said we needed couples counseling which I said to set it up and we'll lay everything on the table.

I've listened to the VAR 100 times and I'm only 60% sure it is her, hell, she could be alone as I don't hear a man's voice.

I'm at my wits end on how to handle, I told her last night I might be getting trolled by somebody on a blog that may be messing with me because at that moment I believed her. I said their was no picture in the email and I lied about that but that I did get an email saying my wife cheated on me.

I'm struggling because my evidence (VAR and GPS) are something I obviously can't share. Any advice?
So to summarize she's cheating financially, lying to your face, possibly having a sexual affair (the blame shift/confrontation to find out your source of evidence is standard operating procedure for a cheater), and drunk driving? My question is what are your standards for a wife? Is she meeting them or not and do you want to stay married to someone like that? Do you need to have absolute proof that she's cheating to divorce her? I think that her behavior reflects the personality type of a dishonest woman that doesn't respect you.
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post #28 of 29 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 11:56 AM
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Re: Lies and financial infidelity

From what you described here, it does not sound like she was with anyone in the bedroom. If she were having sex with someone, it would be CLEARLY obvious on a recording. What has she done that has made you suspect cheating? Her financial issues are pretty obvious...

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #29 of 29 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 03:50 PM
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Re: Lies and financial infidelity - Updated 9/7

Financial adultery, possibly worse than standard adultery.

Thank your lucky stars it's only 15k. My wife put a 50k hole in me before I gained control.

Some people get a high off buying things like a hit of a drug to help manage their underlying depression.

What I did. Closed ALL accounts. Cancelled ALL credit cards. Opened up a checking account in my name only with only 1 debit card I have possession of always.

Had to close that checking account and reopen another account after I had her help me pull some info while buying our house (with my credit only) and she attached a paypal account and started buying S$!t again.

Allowed her account to run to $0. She now only buys necessities and with my direct permission each and every time.

She KNOWS, KNOWS, KNOWS that if I ever see a single unauthorized purchase from my account any time for any reason, I will throw her out and divorce her immediately. She knows I'm not bluffing.
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