Lies and financial infidelity - Updated 9/7
So the quick story is I found out my wife had racked up some debt, and I knew that she had as she told me over the course of the last couple years. I've started my own business (financial advisor!) and money has been extremely tight but has gotten a ton better in the last 6 months.
If you read my previous post, you can see I've had some serious trust issues related to my wife's flirtatious behavior. Anyhow, my understanding was the debt was approx. 15K, which is easily manageable for us. A few things happened this past month that made me request usernames and passwords of accounts and she was shocked but obliged. Upon agreeing she sent an email saying btw she took out a loan from credit union to pay off cards two years ago and there is another 3300 there, she also states that she feels anxious and feels judged (blaming me?)when we talk about spending because I'm an expert and she's dumb, blah blah.
I looked into the accounts and it's typical credit card runup spending and interest compounding to kill people over time. So I did an analysis and made a plan but asked her about a few charges and she lied and said there were no other accounts, or that they have been paid off.
I said lets log in and she said no, let's just talk about this later. Naturally I said no, let's go do it now and she obliged again, saying she doesn't use it, we log in and 2K on this one. I said what about the PayPal account, which 10 minutes before she said was just purchases made on PayPal and that it's not a credit card, anyhow, as I'm asking for username and password she confesses to another 3K.
Obviously I'm shocked by the additional 9-10k of debt but feel that if she can lie to my face about this, what else is she hiding?
I'm tired of playing the detective, my life is too grinding as it is without having to wonder if my wife is lying. Any thought on what I should do, the two texts she has sent me since I left the house were 1. I ****ed up and 2. that she hates herself for being the way she is
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So I went out of town for the weekend on a guys trip and set up a VAR in the bedroom and car (didn't work properly in the car) and GPS. She spent Saturday with my two young kids with the wives and kids of the friends I was with and the kids stayed the night and Saturday night (10pm) my wife took an odd detour through our neighborhood where we live coming home, very close but not directly in front of one of my suspected POSOM lives, she was also intoxicated so this could be why. I listed to the VAR at the time she got home, and it wasn't very loud and she turned on the AC unit which was next to the VAR but I could still here the TV and or her voice when she was talking. All I heard was ouch like she hurt herself, then I hear a lot of the dog, which sleeps in our bed then I hear "F*CK me" and then it went quiet for 30 seconds then I heard what could be slapping sex sounds but also could very easily be the dog to which she says "I am so f*cked up and you hear her getting up from the bed.
I listened to this yesterday morning and flew off the handle and pulled the anonymous email you need to come clean or we are done routine thinking I had solid evidence. She said she was home with my step daughter when she got home and I asked my step daughter she said she worked until 1am. I asked her if she drove home the same way she drives home every time and she said yes, of course. So two lies I caught her with. She is hysterical at this point and she drove to my office and grilled me asking for the email and saying she can't handle me and my accusations. She said this same thing when I initially found out about the finances basically saying how much I hurt her when I accuse her of cheating and/or having feelings for somebody else immediately followed by how ashamed she is and will do anything to make me trust her again.
She didn't come clean with anything and said we needed couples counseling which I said to set it up and we'll lay everything on the table.
I've listened to the VAR 100 times and I'm only 60% sure it is her, hell, she could be alone as I don't hear a man's voice.
I'm at my wits end on how to handle, I told her last night I might be getting trolled by somebody on a blog that may be messing with me because at that moment I believed her. I said their was no picture in the email and I lied about that but that I did get an email saying my wife cheated on me.
I'm struggling because my evidence (VAR and GPS) are something I obviously can't share. Any advice?
Last edited by happydad; 09-07-2016 at 02:20 PM.