Struggling - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

User Tag List

 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 12:21 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 2
Struggling

.


Last edited by Yadex; 08-08-2016 at 03:54 PM. Reason: cant delete
Yadex is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 12:25 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 917
Re: Struggling

See an attorney. The longer you wait, the longer you could potentially have to pay her. Some states will give life long alimony after 15/20 years.

My ex wife worked 1 day a week and didn't want to work full time. She said I'd be paying her to stay at home. I told her if she wanted to keep the house, she'd have to refinance it and have a full time job. She now is working full time. I still have to pay her over $1k/month in CS/daycare, but so worth it to have her gone out of my life. This too shall pass, lol.
GuyInColorado is online now  
post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 01:36 PM
Member
 
Thor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8,709
Re: Struggling

Document everything. You do need to talk to an atty before you say anything to her. I recommend the forums over on forum.mensdivorce.com formerly known as Dadsdivorce.com . Especially look for "The List".

If you just simply file for divorce you will likely get totally hosed with not only child support but long term alimony. You need to document that you are not in agreement with her being a non-working stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). Generally the courts will assume you both agreed to whatever your situation is, which means they assume you should keep that arrangement after divorce. Thus, huge alimony paid by you!

Your lawyer can advise you on how things work where you live, as well as what kind of documentation is needed and legal. For example you may be able to legally record conversations with her where you express your disagreement with her not working, and her response of she doesn't feel like working.

This is probably a 3 month or so process you'll be in before actually filing any paperwork.

If you want to save this marriage, first you have to be ready to end it. But you had better be set up to end it in a way that doesn't hose you. Consider, too, that your financial well being after a divorce will directly affect your kids' well being.

You could try in the meantime something like taking her to a financial planning workshop. I really like Dave Ramsey's stuff. His Financial Peace University is a very inexpensive program run by regular folks in places like churches, civic groups, adult education, etc. Perhaps you can scare or motivate your wife into being more interested in the financial future.

I also suggest you don't blow this off. My wife made calculations she didn't need to save for retirement due to a nice inheritance coming her way. I saved like crazy. Then she hit me up for divorce and wanted half my retirement savings! She'll still be getting that nice inheritance, and probably well before her full retirement age, so her future is well funded. Meanwhile half my finances are gone.

And over 20 years marriage in this state means lifetime alimony.

You're much better off getting divorced sooner rather than later. And if your finances are tight, even better! You have less to hand over now and less to pay her long term.

You could also try talking to a marriage counselor either solo or with your wife. It would be a way to document the situation for court, too. Make sure you're the client, not your wife, so that you can waive confidentiality with the therapist if it should become desirable to get his/her testimony that your wife refuses to work while you want/need her to.

If you're in the USA, your employer should offer EAP, which is Employee Assistance Program. Free and totally confidential counseling. It would be an easy and free way to get started on couples therapy. Go yourself alone for the first session.
Thor is offline  
 
post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 01:39 PM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,186
Re: Struggling

Stop giving her money for anything but groceries. Give her $10/month for the kids's stuff, none for herself. Anything above that, she'll have to get a job for. And tell the kids why you're doing it, so they learn to be responsible with money.
turnera is offline  
post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 02:10 PM
Member
 
DustyDog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Edging slowly closer to the frozen tundra
Posts: 343
Re: Struggling

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yadex View Post
I work. She doesn't. We're struggling. We've talked. Nothing's changed. 15 years, 2 kids. Next steps?
Is the problem lack of money? You can increase income or decrease spending.

Or is there something bigger that underlies the seeming money problem?

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
DustyDog is offline  
post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 2
.

Last edited by Yadex; 08-08-2016 at 03:56 PM.
Yadex is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Struggling with marriage - need help MisterJinx The Men's Clubhouse 34 09-12-2016 05:22 PM
Struggling with Progression after all that's happened. liza.melani Coping with Infidelity 4 04-13-2016 08:48 PM
Newly married and struggling. Need advice! busybee1 General Relationship Discussion 11 02-04-2016 12:47 PM
Struggling to cope MfromtheUK Coping with Infidelity 87 01-19-2016 03:52 PM
Struggling with this decision gaby Considering Divorce or Separation 20 12-28-2015 09:44 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome