Financial Problems in MarriageWhen financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.
I posted previously about how we were looking at buying a car. Well, my husband went ahead and made a decision. I am a bit upset about this decision but am trying to let him be the man of the house by making this decision. I would have rather waited as the car type of car we were looking at would have been available (which I told him on the day we were at the dealer.) Anywhoo, the car note is almost $100 more than what I know we can afford and the insurance is a bit higher than expected too. All he kept saying was "I need to get you a car; you'll be starting nursing school in January" Well, I'm fine the way I'm getting to school now and was not interested in new debt. We are going to end up using our tax refund to pay the car note, but we're not going to get the tax money until March at the earliest. So what are we going to do from January until then? Also, he said he was willing to sacrifice his monthly spending allowance he gets to cover the overage in the car note. I think this is a horrible idea. Why would you want a new car, but you don't have any money to go spend and enjoy life. I understand the good he's trying to do. I don't know, I'd sacrifice for something urgent like an unexpected medical bill for us or the kid or to cover an renter's insurance deductible, but a car? When we just could have waited.
I posted previously about how we were looking at buying a car. Well, my husband went ahead and made a decision. I am a bit upset about this decision but am trying to let him be the man of the house by making this decision.I don't agree with this. Sorry, but a husband and wife should have equal input in large purchases.
I would have rather waited as the car type of car we were looking at would have been available (which I told him on the day we were at the dealer.) Anywhoo, the car note is almost $100 more than what I know we can afford and the insurance is a bit higher than expected too. All he kept saying was "I need to get you a car; you'll be starting nursing school in January" Well, I'm fine the way I'm getting to school now and was not interested in new debt. We are going to end up using our tax refund to pay the car note, but we're not going to get the tax money until March at the earliest. So what are we going to do from January until then?Sounds like he didn't think this through. Why is his opinion more important than yours? Also, he said he was willing to sacrifice his monthly spending allowance he gets to cover the overage in the car note. I think this is a horrible idea. Why would you want a new car, but you don't have any money to go spend and enjoy life.This is why my husband does not want to buy property. It seems like there is a huge power imbalance in your marriage. I understand the good he's trying to do. I don't know, I'd sacrifice for something urgent like an unexpected medical bill for us or the kid or to cover an renter's insurance deductible, but a car? When we just could have waited.
I don't know if its about his opinion being more important, but being the one who thinks these through and likes to take the safe route in the finances, you really do get tired of seeming like you're always saying "no". One of his responses to me was "can you give me a chance to fail?" He doesn't understand that if he fails "we" fail. He fails "we" have to pay. In this instance, "we" weren't willing to pay for this possible mishap. "He" can't pay on his own if the money is not there for the car note. "I" have to look the budget for January and February now, to figure out how to cover this. I am tired being the one who thinks things through. I know he's going to complain that he has no spending money.
Also, I told him, I could not give up my monthly spending allowance for a car. We are already strapped for cash, and I need that so I can "do me" sometimes (most of time I'm buying stuff for my kid anyway and its a small $100 which I try very hard to make sure it lasts 30 days.) I still don't get to shop on a regular, I don't get my air done, I don't wear makeup. There are many things I want to do and don't get to do them and I was not interested in giving up the bit of financial freedom I had for a car.
Also, I agree that both partners should have equal say in large purchases, but what happens when you continue to disagree. We've been looking at car options since August. We've passed up a couple of things that would not have fit our budget. My husband kept pressing me to purchase sooner and I just got tired of the pressure. I told him at one point, I'm not going to change my mind and I want to keep looking until we find what we're looking for. I even put a deadline on it. 3-6 more months. He "said" he wanted us to make the decision together because he knew I would be upset if this messed us up financially. He kept pressuring me anyway. Its not that my opinion is not important, but the man is supposed to be able to make the decisions that he feels is best for the household and sometimes I go along.
If you feel that the man should rule the home, you have nothing to complain about. You have allowed this dynamic in your marriage, so you have to accept whatever decisions your husband makes.
If you feel that the man should rule the home, you have nothing to complain about. You have allowed this dynamic in your marriage, so you have to accept whatever decisions your husband makes.
Never said that, but grown people will do what they want.
In a marriage, it is not fair to make such big decisions, without heeding the words and feelings of your spouse. People who do not wish to share decisions need to be alone. What he does directly affects your quality of life!
You wrote: "Its not that my opinion is not important, but the man is supposed to be able to make the decisions that he feels is best for the household and sometimes I go along."
This means that your husband has the final say, hence the reason I said he rules the marriage.
I think what he did was disrespecful and selfish. However, you have said that you feel it was your husband's choice to make. If you were not comfortable with whatever he came up with, it would have been better if you took an active role in the decision making process.
I took an active role for several months and again, its not about him ruling, I should be able to trust that my husband can make good decisions that are right for the family.
I took an active role for several months and again, its not about him ruling, I should be able to trust that my husband can make good decisions that are right for the family.
If you took an active role and asserted that your views were important, your husband could not just go out and buy the car.
I agree that you should be able to trust his decisions, but this particular choice seems like a bad one for both of you.
I won't get into the decision-making process, that ain't my forte. But I will comment on the purchase itself as it pertains to budgeting as I have considerable experience in this area. The OP doesn't say if the car is new or used. My response here is that for a family with a very tight budget, buying new makes no sense at all due to the instant depreciation as soon as the car is driven off the lot. Such a family should never pay retail for new cars; their funds would be much better spent getting themselves out of whatever situation they're in. The only exception might be if you intend to keep the car for at least 10 years which would give you several years of no car payment once the loan is done. Even then, the purchase still has to fit today's budget, not tomorrow's.
I will never understand (some) men's fascination with what I also view as a horrible investment.
Your husband could probably talk until blue in the face WHY you needed this particular car. It doesn't matter. It gave him a hard on and he just HAD to have it. And now he does.
If the bills get behind, so be it. It's just money. This was obviously important to him, rationale and logic do not apply here. It's a man thing. Seriously. His ego is happy. His wallet will be empty.
Aside from the issues of respect and consulting one another on large purchases... hold him to his "I will give up my spending money" line. Apply all of his spending money to the car note. Do you have money in an "eating out" category? Apply as much money from that to your car note as necessary. If you don't have that, slice your grocery budget. These are line items that you can control. You've just assumed debt that you weren't well prepared for - so you need to make sure you can pay it off without incurring other problems.
Do you get cable TV? Maybe get rid of that. Cut out a home phone if you have cell phones.
I bet if he has no spending money, no meals out, and no cable TV, he doesn't buy any more cars you don't need. But that's just my opinion....
(And keep your spending money. He made the stupid decision, he can literally pay for it.)
I feel for you. I control 99% of our budget. My husband comes home and tells me when he spent fifty cents, and I write it down. I hate it. But this is how it has to be, because we are financially struggling due to some serious issues beyond our control. Thanks to BOTH of our dedication, we are paying all our bills and incurring no new debt - but it takes TOTAL dedication from BOTH of us. You don't have to be as strict as I am (neither of us gets any spending money at all), but you still have to balance the darn thing at the end of the month. Do what you have to to keep it balanced.
Aside from the issues of respect and consulting one another on large purchases... hold him to his "I will give up my spending money" line. Apply all of his spending money to the car note. Do you have money in an "eating out" category? Apply as much money from that to your car note as necessary. If you don't have that, slice your grocery budget. These are line items that you can control. You've just assumed debt that you weren't well prepared for - so you need to make sure you can pay it off without incurring other problems.
Do you get cable TV? Maybe get rid of that. Cut out a home phone if you have cell phones.
I bet if he has no spending money, no meals out, and no cable TV, he doesn't buy any more cars you don't need. But that's just my opinion....
(And keep your spending money. He made the stupid decision, he can literally pay for it.)
I feel for you. I control 99% of our budget. My husband comes home and tells me when he spent fifty cents, and I write it down. I hate it. But this is how it has to be, because we are financially struggling due to some serious issues beyond our control. Thanks to BOTH of our dedication, we are paying all our bills and incurring no new debt - but it takes TOTAL dedication from BOTH of us. You don't have to be as strict as I am (neither of us gets any spending money at all), but you still have to balance the darn thing at the end of the month. Do what you have to to keep it balanced.
Thanks everyone for their responses. I pretty much control the budget as well, thats how I know what we can afford. I like the idea of the spending money because it lets each of us have some of our own control without monitoring. I personally get tired of hounding my husband, who is a grown man, about his spending, but he always finds a way to give it up and then complain. Last year we had to have the engine replaced and he chose the most expensive way to go about that (he complained the whole time we were paying the money back, even though I told him in advance we should go more economical). This year, its an additional car ( it is used.) I already did the budget for January and we are going to come up short. Now, "I" not "him" have to to figure out how to shift monies around to make this stretch. I guess I'll be okay. I'll probably soothe myself with cookies and some me time with my spending money.
So, He Bought the Car 
