Money - and way she spends it - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #16 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 03:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

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Originally Posted by norajane View Post
So take the cards away. Cash only. Decide how much she gets to fritter away each month and when that's gone, she has to wait til next month.

Or take the cards away and give her a card with a pre-set spending limit on it. Once she exceeds, the card is rejected until she pays the bill.

Or take the cards away and give her a monthly gift card for the agreed upon amount, and once that's gone, that's it until next month.

If she's that out of control and refuses to understand math, then she needs help gaining control.
There is that but it seems a bit overly controlling to do that.

As I've said, its not my money its ours. But they're also our bills and debts. At the moment, it seems shes happy to take the money side but let me worry about everything else.

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post #17 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 08:12 AM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

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There is that but it seems a bit overly controlling to do that.

As I've said, its not my money its ours. But they're also our bills and debts. At the moment, it seems shes happy to take the money side but let me worry about everything else.
It's "our" money but she's spending it however she wants.

Step up dude. Cut her off.

Maybe she'll even respect you for growing a set and things will improve. Your bank account balance sure will.
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post #18 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 08:18 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by saddomaddo View Post
There is that but it seems a bit overly controlling to do that.

As I've said, its not my money its ours. But they're also our bills and debts. At the moment, it seems shes happy to take the money side but let me worry about everything else.
It's "our" money but she's spending it however she wants.

Step up dude. Cut her off.

Maybe she'll even respect you for growing a set and things will improve. Your bank account balance sure will.
You may be right. Not sure it's even possible too.

Credit cards yeh in my name. Plenty of cash though in joint account. I can't cut that off.
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post #19 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 08:25 AM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

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You may be right. Not sure it's even possible too.

Credit cards yeh in my name. Plenty of cash though in joint account. I can't cut that off.
Move the money into a sole account in your name.

I know you're wondering why you didn't think of this yourself, it's where your head is at right now.

But I can tell that you're not in a position to do any of this.

You're afraid of her.
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post #20 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 08:43 AM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

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You may be right. Not sure it's even possible too.

Credit cards yeh in my name. Plenty of cash though in joint account. I can't cut that off.
So every time you get paid for your work, put a certain percentage or fixed amount in an account from which you pay the household bills. Put another set percentage of it into whatever your retirement accounts are. "Pay" yourself - bills and retirement accounts first.

The rest of each paycheck can go into the joint general account. That general account is what pays for random spending, vacations, dinners out, fun stuff like that. If it's not in the general fund, it doesn't "exist" as spendable money.

Alternately, rather than a single general spending account, set up a separate personal account for each of you and deposit half of the "leftover" money - after bills and savings - from each paycheck into each of those personal accounts. Get each of you a debit card that accesses only your personal spending account. If she runs through her account balance, then she just has to wait until you get paid again and can deposit more funds. That way, each of you has personal "fun" money but can't spend anything that is earmarked for bills or savings.

Stop using credit cards. If you want to have one around for emergencies, fine, but have a single card that's kept somewhere at home. If she can't stop running up the credit card bill, then she needs to be using a debit card or cash.

And, of course, hold yourself to the same new budget plan. Frame this new arrangement not as you trying to control her spending, but as you reworking the family finances to get a better handle on your ability to save and plan for the future.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #21 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:12 AM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

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Do you know what Im wondering that? Shes had a rough time with illness last few years and with young kids sometuimes she does seem over stressed.

I know she tries with her spending. She rarely buys expensive things. Most of the stuff is cheap crap but of course, as I said, being in there every few days spending £50 adds up over the month.

Then again, its weird. We're after a new bathroom. Had a few quotes bit expensive. So she really looked for something cheaper and compromised on a lot.

It just seems this one aspect. Going into a shop and buying just bits and pieces. Its one particular shop here in the uk. Its called home bargains. Sells all sorts - food, clothes, stuff for the home, diy, garden. She comes home with new cheap rugs, doormats, coffee tables (didnt know we needed a new one).

Yesterday she spent £100 including a crappy coffee table for £40. Cheap but unneeded. Fair enough but you can guarantee she'llbe in there again by the end of the week spending a minum £50 - plant pots, plants, toys, clothes.
I agree with EG, there is possibly some deeper issue here. Your wife is getting no spending "hit" from the bathroom reno but from all the little $50 spends she is getting some type emotional buzz, a void filled. Is she happy with her life? You said on the other thread you yelled at her, is this a good or failing marriage?

Sometimes people spend just to get the high, a glimpse of fulfillment. I have a sister like that and it is very sad to see.
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post #22 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:47 AM Thread Starter
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Hmm. I think I've screwed up a little and overeacted this time.

Doubtless she overspends but having seen the receipt it wasn't bad.

So of course my bad for overreacting now. Still an issue but I don't think it's going to get sorted on this.
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post #23 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:48 AM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

She needs a hobby other than spending.
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post #24 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:49 AM Thread Starter
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She needs a hobby other than spending.
Ha ha your right!
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post #25 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by saddomaddo View Post
Do you know what Im wondering that? Shes had a rough time with illness last few years and with young kids sometuimes she does seem over stressed.

I know she tries with her spending. She rarely buys expensive things. Most of the stuff is cheap crap but of course, as I said, being in there every few days spending £50 adds up over the month.

Then again, its weird. We're after a new bathroom. Had a few quotes bit expensive. So she really looked for something cheaper and compromised on a lot.

It just seems this one aspect. Going into a shop and buying just bits and pieces. Its one particular shop here in the uk. Its called home bargains. Sells all sorts - food, clothes, stuff for the home, diy, garden. She comes home with new cheap rugs, doormats, coffee tables (didnt know we needed a new one).

Yesterday she spent £100 including a crappy coffee table for £40. Cheap but unneeded. Fair enough but you can guarantee she'llbe in there again by the end of the week spending a minum £50 - plant pots, plants, toys, clothes.
I agree with EG, there is possibly some deeper issue here. Your wife is getting no spending "hit" from the bathroom reno but from all the little $50 spends she is getting some type emotional buzz, a void filled. Is she happy with her life? You said on the other thread you yelled at her, is this a good or failing marriage?

Sometimes people spend just to get the high, a glimpse of fulfillment. I have a sister like that and it is very sad to see.
Maybe. I don't understand but makes sense.

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post #26 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 10:01 AM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

So....the real problem here is not so much that your wife doesn't have enough good sense to know when to stop spending money on garbage, but the fact that you don't have the spine to man up and take control of the situation.

It's been two pages of wishy-washy excuses and reasons and deflections for why you can't do anything but whine about it.

How's that been working for you?
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post #27 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 10:27 AM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

I have seen this. My wife grew up in this situation. Money had always been limited by what her parents decided to give her, she had never experienced simply not having enough. Money was something that people who loved you just gave you.

I remember long ago her complaining that a former boyfriend never bought her flowers - and being surprised when I told her that he was a college student, and that a dozen roses was the money he would otherwise spend to eat that weekend.

She was not stupid, very far from it. Its was just something completely out of her experience.


Once she started being involved in managing our money, she understood (grokked) that sometimes there simply is not enough money for what you want.

Quote:
Originally Posted by saddomaddo View Post
I've heard that how things were in your younger life affect your perception of money.

Me - I went to college so had to look after myslef on a very small budget. Then I rented a place on my own when I started working so had to look out for myself.

She lived with her parents. Started work. Paid them a minimal amount of rent and basically had the rest to spend.

Her mother was very much like shes getting. I want a new carpeter- then it was her husbands job to sort out the finanical side. Maybe its rubbed off on her.
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post #28 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 10:45 AM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

How big of a house do you have to properly show / place / use all that stuff?
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post #29 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 11:03 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
So....the real problem here is not so much that your wife doesn't have enough good sense to know when to stop spending money on garbage, but the fact that you don't have the spine to man up and take control of the situation.

It's been two pages of wishy-washy excuses and reasons and deflections for why you can't do anything but whine about it.

How's that been working for you?
Thanks for that. Helpful ?
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post #30 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 11:04 AM Thread Starter
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How big of a house do you have to properly show / place / use all that stuff?
Fairly big. But things get thrown out and replaced a lot.
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