Money - and way she spends it - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #31 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 08:53 PM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

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Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
She needs a hobby other than spending.
This was my thought, too. Does she have a job? How much free time does she have?

Listen...I'm guilty of the same trap as your wife. Maybe not to the same extent. I've never spent $1000 in a month. But I am a sucker for "sales" and "bargains". YES my logical mind knows that whatever the sale price is, it's cheaper if I just don't buy it AT ALL.

I fall for the devil on my shoulder that says - you'll never see that deal again!, and it's no big deal it's only $20, and my personal favorite delusion - my husband will be so happy I found these things so cheap! I just saved us all of this money! Haha, no.

Here's how I combat it -

1. I am so busy I really have almost no time to shop. Maybe once or twice a month. That means I can't be out there every day looking at things that I don't need. I work full time, and I've filled up my free time with getting involved in my kids activities, and volunteering for the local animal shelter.

2. I have a good job that pays a little more than my H. Point being, I pull my weight in bringing in the money to pay for things.

3. We do what another poster said - we have 100% joint accounts, but we have only ONE of the accounts that is tied to a debit card and that cash can be pulled from at the ATM. The other two are for bill paying (bills automatically debit from it) and savings. Our financial departments at each company allowed us to each assign a specific amount of our checks that gets automatically deposited into each of those accounts. We pretend that all money outside of the spending account does not exist.

4. We do have credit cards, but they stay in the safe in the house and do not go out with us. We keep them for emergencies and for when we feel the use of them is beneficial. (I've got some that have 0% interest for certain things for example).

Honestly I couldn't stand my husband policing my every expenditure either. I do not think I am completely outrageous in my spending BUT I am definitely looser than my husband is by a significant margin. He is the man who could spend $60 a month on groceries (canned goods, cereal, milk, peanut butter and bread is what he lived off of) and he really could not fathom that other people spent more than that. We have made a deal that the joint spending account is "free money" for both of us. He doesn't say anything anymore. It does help that I am spending maybe $200 a month on stuff. With our salary that is doable.

Could you set something like that up?

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post #32 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 02:15 AM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

Not sure if this would help but maybe tell her if she avoids buying all that small cheap stuff, you would like to take her out and buy one nice quality piece that will last for many years. Maybe showing her a fine furniture store (or how quality a nice old refinished antique piece is) she might realize the cheap stuff isn't so great. They sure make that home goods and catalog stuff look amazing in the store with all the lighting but I soon learned myself it is stuff that breaks after 3 weeks.

Also, on thing that really helped me was to start selling. Once I realized how little I got back on the internet for the piece I thought was so great in the store I really started being a lot more selective. I also realized how much fun and what a high it is to sell something... getting cash from cast offs is way more of a high than buying for me now.

Also, maybe give her cash instead of a credit card to shop with. When i pull out cash to pay for something i realize how much I am spending and how ridiculous priced it is and how wasteful it can be bc it is really a lot of money.
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post #33 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 02:23 AM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

I agree with EleGirl... she's seeking that 'high' based around home-life.

How's the sex life from her perspective?

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #34 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 04:16 AM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

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Originally Posted by saddomaddo View Post
I wouldn't say we're short of money we're not really but we do spend a lot. Expensive holidays etc eating out etc.

I earn a fair bit but its contract work so you need to sort your own pension, save money too because theres no sick or holiday pay and there are times with no work.

BUT, last few months wife has got into the habit of spending almost every single day. The amount of crap in the house is unbelievable. New lamps, rugs,clothes etc.

Not a huge amount each time so she thinks its ok but all those 30-40 ($50) add up. We're talking 4-5 times a week she'll spend this. Its been getting up to around 1000 a month on just nothing to be honest.

Means there is nothing left to put in pension pot or nothing to save. We're literally blowing 5000 a month on stuff.

Thing is we don't have separate money. I probably earn about 3/4x what she does. Not an issue for me - its our money. She take no interest in the bills whatsoever - I gave up on that years ago.

So I've probably sat her down 10-15 times and been nice about it. Explained just how much is being spent and shes said ok I'll calm down. Then same again. A week ago I said look we've going on an expensive holiday in two weeks - so I come home today and shes spent 100 on a cheap coffee table, cheap lamp. None of which we need.

She doesnt seem to realise that just because you're buying cheap tables for 30 at a time, if you're spending 50 20 times a month its a lot of money. But then she'd never dream of going out and spending that much in one go.

But Im the bad one now for having a go. I did do it all wrong - her mother was her. But Im so annoyed that she says yes yes to my face to shut me up then does not change.

If she wants to spend 500 a month on crap then I have no problem but she has to understand its got to come from somewhere. At the moment, I feel like the magic fairy who has to provide money for whatever she feels like.

Its not good is it? Been married 20 years and she never used to be like this. Yes I have a tendancy to go which is maybe why she says things to shut me up but this time I think I've been nice about it and ignored.

She needs to be faced with the reality of her spending.

1. sit her down with the invoices, bills etc and your expenses spreadsheet. Have one column showing how much she spends on discretionary items (non essential items). Itemise the spreadsheet for all your expenses, mortgage, cars, medical, food, utilities, etc so she can see where the money is going. Make her sit with you for the next few months when you are doing the bills.

2. If you are married over 20 years, you seriously need to be saving for retirement, show her what you will need financially and how much needs to be saved to get there. You also need an emergency fund incase of redundancy etc. Usually equivalent to 3 months salary (most financial planners will tell you this).

3. It might work if you allocated a small fixed amount to her every month do spend as she pleases.

4. Consider having a spring clean in the house where you take all the extra junk and have a car boot sale, etc. Discuss ideas for having a minimalist home. The money raised should be saved.

5. Does she have credit cards? Check how much spending is on those. She may have a problem, e.g. a shopping addiction.
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