Money - and way she spends it - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
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Money - and way she spends it

I wouldn't say we're short of money we're not really but we do spend a lot. Expensive holidays etc eating out etc.

I earn a fair bit but its contract work so you need to sort your own pension, save money too because theres no sick or holiday pay and there are times with no work.

BUT, last few months wife has got into the habit of spending almost every single day. The amount of crap in the house is unbelievable. New lamps, rugs,clothes etc.

Not a huge amount each time so she thinks its ok but all those 30-40 ($50) add up. We're talking 4-5 times a week she'll spend this. Its been getting up to around 1000 a month on just nothing to be honest.

Means there is nothing left to put in pension pot or nothing to save. We're literally blowing 5000 a month on stuff.

Thing is we don't have separate money. I probably earn about 3/4x what she does. Not an issue for me - its our money. She take no interest in the bills whatsoever - I gave up on that years ago.

So I've probably sat her down 10-15 times and been nice about it. Explained just how much is being spent and shes said ok I'll calm down. Then same again. A week ago I said look we've going on an expensive holiday in two weeks - so I come home today and shes spent 100 on a cheap coffee table, cheap lamp. None of which we need.

She doesnt seem to realise that just because you're buying cheap tables for 30 at a time, if you're spending 50 20 times a month its a lot of money. But then she'd never dream of going out and spending that much in one go.

But Im the bad one now for having a go. I did do it all wrong - her mother was her. But Im so annoyed that she says yes yes to my face to shut me up then does not change.

If she wants to spend 500 a month on crap then I have no problem but she has to understand its got to come from somewhere. At the moment, I feel like the magic fairy who has to provide money for whatever she feels like.

Its not good is it? Been married 20 years and she never used to be like this. Yes I have a tendancy to go which is maybe why she says things to shut me up but this time I think I've been nice about it and ignored.

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post #2 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 03:47 PM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

One possibility is for her to become the main person who pays bills and tracks money. That will let her directly see the tradeoffs. You of course will still have access to everything, but it becomes here "job" to figure out how to budget.
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post #3 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 03:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

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One possibility is for her to become the main person who pays bills and tracks money. That will let her directly see the tradeoffs. You of course will still have access to everything, but it becomes here "job" to figure out how to budget.
Tried in the past to just get her involved. Tried many times. If even to look at the credit card bills with me and see where it all goes. That never worked.
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post #4 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 05:46 PM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

Difficult.
I think you have to try to convince here that you don't think the budget can support this sort of spending, but you are happy for her to show you otherwise if she wants to go over the numbers.

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Tried in the past to just get her involved. Tried many times. If even to look at the credit card bills with me and see where it all goes. That never worked.
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post #5 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 06:46 PM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

When a person shops like that, it is often because they are having emotional problems. the shopping gives them a dopamine hit and makes them feel better.

Is she depressed? Does she feel like her life has less meaning now?
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post #6 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 06:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

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Difficult.
I think you have to try to convince here that you don't think the budget can support this sort of spending, but you are happy for her to show you otherwise if she wants to go over the numbers.
Yeh its tough. It just amazes me how an adult does not realise that credit card spending needs to be paid for.
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post #7 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 06:52 PM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

I'm sure she knows. She just doesn't care.

Its your problem how the bills get paid.
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post #8 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 07:06 PM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

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Yeh its tough. It just amazes me how an adult does not realise that credit card spending needs to be paid for.
So take the cards away. Cash only. Decide how much she gets to fritter away each month and when that's gone, she has to wait til next month.

Or take the cards away and give her a card with a pre-set spending limit on it. Once she exceeds, the card is rejected until she pays the bill.

Or take the cards away and give her a monthly gift card for the agreed upon amount, and once that's gone, that's it until next month.

If she's that out of control and refuses to understand math, then she needs help gaining control.

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post #9 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 07:38 PM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

Before you were married, did she have to worry about money, or was it taken care of for her?

Some people grew up in an environment where money really was never an issue. It takes a while for them to understand.

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Yeh its tough. It just amazes me how an adult does not realise that credit card spending needs to be paid for.
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post #10 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 08:02 PM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

Reverse what your doing. Pay your bills, save for your pension, then, what is left over you can spend on stuff.

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post #11 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 12:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

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I'm sure she knows. She just doesn't care.

Its your problem how the bills get paid.
Maybe. But what an immature attitude.

I always say its not my job to tell her what to spend on but neither is it my job to perform miracles and "find" money from nowhere.
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post #12 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 12:17 AM
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

Do they have some sort of financial counseling for couples in the UK? I have to assume they do, but would defer to someone from Britain about this.
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post #13 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 02:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

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When a person shops like that, it is often because they are having emotional problems. the shopping gives them a dopamine hit and makes them feel better.

Is she depressed? Does she feel like her life has less meaning now?
Do you know what Im wondering that? Shes had a rough time with illness last few years and with young kids sometuimes she does seem over stressed.

I know she tries with her spending. She rarely buys expensive things. Most of the stuff is cheap crap but of course, as I said, being in there every few days spending 50 adds up over the month.

Then again, its weird. We're after a new bathroom. Had a few quotes bit expensive. So she really looked for something cheaper and compromised on a lot.

It just seems this one aspect. Going into a shop and buying just bits and pieces. Its one particular shop here in the uk. Its called home bargains. Sells all sorts - food, clothes, stuff for the home, diy, garden. She comes home with new cheap rugs, doormats, coffee tables (didnt know we needed a new one).

Yesterday she spent 100 including a crappy coffee table for 40. Cheap but unneeded. Fair enough but you can guarantee she'llbe in there again by the end of the week spending a minum 50 - plant pots, plants, toys, clothes.
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post #14 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 02:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

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Before you were married, did she have to worry about money, or was it taken care of for her?

Some people grew up in an environment where money really was never an issue. It takes a while for them to understand.
I've heard that how things were in your younger life affect your perception of money.

Me - I went to college so had to look after myslef on a very small budget. Then I rented a place on my own when I started working so had to look out for myself.

She lived with her parents. Started work. Paid them a minimal amount of rent and basically had the rest to spend.

Her mother was very much like shes getting. I want a new carpeter- then it was her husbands job to sort out the finanical side. Maybe its rubbed off on her.
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post #15 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 02:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Money - and way she spends it

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Do they have some sort of financial counseling for couples in the UK? I have to assume they do, but would defer to someone from Britain about this.
Not sure. They do have Relate but thats general counselling.
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