Financial Problems in MarriageWhen financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.
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Posts: 5,599
Re: Joint Accounts
Quote:
Originally Posted by april16
As far as counseling, I really want to go again. I have talked many times about it. His response is "he doesn't think it will work" and "he will go if I set it up"
Then set it up and have him go with you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by april16
When it comes to talking about our relationship. I will poor my heart out to him and try to make it as easy as possible to talk about and I'm the one doing all the talking and he says NOTHING!!!!! Every time!!! Never responds, I ask why and he says "he does not know what to say" He does not even try to add any response.
Next time you talk about the relationship refrain from making statements. Ask him questions. When he responds paraphrase what he said for him and relate it to the problem. So what you are saying is ABC .. and this makes you feel XYZ. Use this technique to draw him out so at least you have an idea of his frame of mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by april16
We have been together for almost 9 years and everything about him is changing, he's raising his voice, he is saying other woman are hot in front of me, when i'm feeling down he does not even care to ask why... He is not the man I married.
It is very likely he has not change but rather the situation has. He is unhappy with some aspect of his life or your marriage and that is expressed to you in indifference or callousness. His temperament has changed, his interactions have changed but likely due to environment. If the two of you communicate to determine the core issues and improve them he will likely begin to treat you as he once did. Same for you, youre unhappy and confused and this may reflect on him.
I have been following this thread and I agree with most, your husband has something going on that you may not be aware of. This kind of behaviour is indicative of someone hiding something. I have been married for over 11 years and my wife and I share ALL bank accounts checking, saving, credit card, investments and all real estate properties are in both of our names. I have nothing to hide and can safely say the same for my wife. We have all money go through the same main account and we both use as we need from it. This however can only come from total trust and honesty for both parties. You need to sit your husband down and ask him what has changed.
I have started calling around. I'm going to set it up soon. I would like to find a christian counsler. That way I can have someone help us that has some of the same values.
Ok, so we talked again. I asked him questions such as. Do you feel unhappy? (his reply, only when I am in a bad mood) What can I do to be a better wife? (nothing) I asked if he trusted me, (he says yes) his answers seem to be very short, but at least im getting some response. I asked a few questions again about our money situation. He still says that he likes being the only one to have access to his funds so that's how its going to stay. Even though we talked for about 40 minutes I still feel like we got no where. Why?? We talked about his car situation and he says that he is selling the two that he has payment on. I asked if he was going to help with our big car payment once he does sell the other two and he says, "I would still prefer for you to make the payment."
He has changed, he has become very selfish when it comes to our needs. He used to put us/our marriage first. Now its his wants and needs that come first.
I always tell him how handsome he is. Ill text him throughout the day telling him I love him or I cant wait to see him tonight. I try very hard to show him how much I care and love him. I never talk about how good looking other men are, and especially not in front of him. I'm sorry this thread has went a bit of track. Thank you so much for the advice. I'ts nice to have people to share my problems with. Thank you!!
I have been following this thread and I agree with most, your husband has something going on that you may not be aware of. This kind of behaviour is indicative of someone hiding something. I have been married for over 11 years and my wife and I share ALL bank accounts checking, saving, credit card, investments and all real estate properties are in both of our names. I have nothing to hide and can safely say the same for my wife. We have all money go through the same main account and we both use as we need from it. This however can only come from total trust and honesty for both parties. You need to sit your husband down and ask him what has changed.
Sometimes i still feel like there is something going on. I put him on my account. He has the passwords to all my internet accounts. I leave my phone laying around all the time. He has a lock on his phone. I'm not on his accounts, I don't know any of his passwords. If he tells me that he trusts my word on everything then why does it have to be like this? Because of the situation I feel like he is hiding something. He used to have a password preset on one of the car forums that he goes on and he changed it to where you have to type it in every time now?????
What if something (god forbid) happens to him where he is incapable of making his own decisions, and you need to access his accounts? If your name isn't on them, they will be very difficult for you to access should you need to when he can't. Has he thought of that?
I am of the 'share everything' camp - I can't imagine how hard it would be to figure out who pays for what and keeping it all equitable. We just direct deposit both checks to the same account and I do the bill paying but both names are listed on all accounts and both have access and would never buy something super expensive without consulting the other.
It really sounds to me like something else is going on, for him to have switched gears so dramatically. I hope you guys can work it out.
I talked to him about that, he said we can do the "what ifs" all day long. He is military and does go out of town sometimes. We had an emergency with one of our dogs a few months ago and thank God he was here because i could not have payed for it. He was recently out of town and I payed $1100 in bills. I had to ask my job to pay me early because I needed the money.
I work very hard. I try to bring in as much as possible. Being in the spa industry in this economy right now does not help.
When it comes to buying expensive things, I never make big purchased. He Has big expensive cameras, 5 cars, lots of snowboarding equipment and you should see the garage.
As far as the Accounts in general, my wife and I have separate accounts, but they are both legally joint accounts.
The main reason is that money is tight for us and we are on a strict budget. So we have separate accounts to make it easier as far as tracking our expenses and balances.
She went back to school and only works part time. I pay all of the bills out of "my" account except for a few of her smaller personal things (student loan, department store card, etc.), and then will put some money into her account. We know how much is in each of our accounts so it's easier for us to budget things throughout the month like gas, lunches, etc. We are technically joint owners on both accounts (we are authorized to use them, have all of the passwords, internet access, both can use debit cards etc,), so if we really wanted to know, we can look at what the other is spending.
I did get into trouble with this a while ago, because we got into some trouble financially and I didn't let her in on it. My wife is depressed and very emotional, so I hid the problems from her "for her own good" so to speak. Not that it was right, but she was very emotional and instead of telling her about it, I hid it so she wouldn't worry about it. She could've looked at the stuff if she wanted, but just didn't. Well, everything came to a head and it wasn't pretty. But we got through that now, and are doing much better financially. Honestly, I don't know if she still checks in on "my" account or not, but I'm a lot more forward with what is going on, just coming out and telling her instead of hiding or avoiding it, so she could if she wanted, but really wouldn't need to now.
While you have both done things that made you lose trust for one another, it seems very unbalanced that you are living 'open book' and after 2 EA's, he is living very guarded and doesn't seem to feel the need to regain your trust.
I agree with Amp, that there seems to be something within him that is deeper than the financial issue alone. I hope you will be able to get him to open up.
100% agree with the above. The finances aren't the real issue here. The real issue is the relationship.
It appears that at least there was a lot of resentment built up by him for something, whether it was the lying, going to school paying the bills or something else. But he is not all there in the relationship for some reason. You might to have to figure out what caused it before you can actually fix it.
Also, guys are hard to talk to sometimes. I know, I am one... Not to mention, Military can be even worse. Talking about their "feelings" isn't taught at West Point or Fort Bragg. I was the same way with my wife, and it took a long time for me to get comfortable with it, and I still to this day struggle with it.
When asking him questions, use open ended questions. Nothing that could be answered with a Yes or No. And, although he won't like it at first, ask him to explain the answers. Try not to get too touchy feely with your questions if you can, especially starting out and don't make accusations or attacks. Many a guy will just completely shut down and walk away.
And starting out, think of it as a fact finding mission. Ask questions like I said, but don't worry about responding right away, even if the answer is the most stupid ignorant thing, or you know he's just making excuses. Just gather information and get him talking. He losens up a bit, and you get some information about what is going on from his side. You can't expect to solve this in just one sitting anyway, so take it slowly.
You basically have to hold his hand through the conversation. It's not fair at all to you, but you will get more out of it in the end, which is the ultimate goal
Thank you all for the support and suggestions. It means a lot that people on this forum care and want to help. We have been doing a lot better lately. I have pretty much dropped the money situation, because it seems to set us back. Our communication has improved since I ask questions that don't feel attacking to him. He has been pitching in on gas and paid for my lift ticket when we went snowboarding =) he is starting to recognize my feelings about the situation. Hopefully things will continue going good and he will continue to understand my problems with this issue. I will keep you all updated and THANK YOU ALL!!
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,599
Re: Joint Accounts
Nice to hear things are moving forward. I hope that continues and you will be able to address the other issues in the future. Good luck and thanks for the update.
Re: Joint Accounts 
Not to mention, Military can be even worse. Talking about their "feelings" isn't taught at West Point or Fort Bragg. I was the same way with my wife, and it took a long time for me to get comfortable with it, and I still to this day struggle with it. 
