Financial Problems in MarriageWhen financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.
When my husband and I first got married over 7.5 years ago we used to have joint bank accounts. We both worked and all the money we made was shared between bills, food etc....
Last year I went out of state for a year to finish school. When I returned home. My husband had opened up all new accounts with only his name on them. We no longer had a joint checking or savings. I asked if he was going to put my name on the account and he said "no", that he liked being the only one having access to his money. I didn't know what to think, so I opened up a bank account of my own. Just getting back from school I had no job and barely enough to get by. He told me if I needed money I had to ask him for it. Then I felt like I didn't even have a husband. I felt more like he was my dad. I Felt like I had so much pressure to get a job asap! I went to over 20 interviews and I had no luck. My husband then kept saying "you need to find a job, i'm not paying for your bills." I kept having to ask him for money. He had over $5,000 in one account and he was acting as if he was poor. I finally got a job and as most of you know it takes a while to build that money up. Now when we need something for the house i'll buy it and then it's his turn and when we go out to eat it the same way. I hate it. I once again talked to him about the account situation and he would get so mad at me. Am I over acting the situation....please give me some advice.
I think joint accts work better for some people and I see whay you are upset. I would be too in the same situation.
My husband and I have our own accts. Actually I am still on his but I didn't put him on my acct. I pay all the monthly living expenses such as mortage, utilities, insurances, groceries, my credit card.
He was to pay his medical expenses, phone/internet/cable and the credit cards he uses (joint) form his account.
I found out a few months ago that my husband had maxxed out our joint credit cards paying living expenses for a female friend. Between that and his recent reduced work hours, I am glad that he doesn't have access to my acct.
I hope that it works out for you. I would really want to know what the husband is thinking if I were you. My husband knows why I have a separate account and is OK with it.
I don't work anymore as I had to leave my job to get married and financialy there's no real need for me to. It took a while for me to feel entirely comfortable with being supported by my husband. Anywho financilly I think as a couple you basically need to be a single entity.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,595
Re: Joint Accounts
I find it odd that he would do this after being married and sharing accounts for so long. Was there something that drove this? Does he not like the way you were managing the money or your spending habits? Or does he not want accountability to you for how he does? From an asset standpoint couples should generally have access to the money earned in a marriage. It is common property. In the event that one spouse dies there would be a delay in the surviving spouse’s access to cash needed for bills due to no ability to get to it until it is legally tended.
My wife and I have been married for 22 years and have always had separate checking, savings and credit card accounts. But we have signature on both. Our checks have both of our names on them. We have the passwords for each other’s online access. We each have “assigned” bills we are responsible for each month but if someone comes up short the other takes care of it. It doesn’t matter to us if her savings account has double the amount in it then mine or visa versa. It is viewed by us both as our money. I am happy to say in 22 years we have only had one argument about money. Part of that is because of this system, part is because we share a common view of how we spend money and part is that we’ve been very fortunate in our careers. But even when money is tight we discuss, not argue.
You and your husband need to find common ground and share both the assets and the budget. It needs to be viewed as joint property. If you don’t this will likely be a sore spot and source for stress for years to come. Good luck
It sounds like something happened while you were gone for that year. something really changed him. were you having problems before you left? what happened while you were gone for a year?
im sorry here, but i think there is definately more going on here.
in terms of his control of his money and the way he acts in his rationale and behaviour.
i agree with ljtseng - something has really changed him.
Thanks for some of the input. As far as how we were before I went to school. I was the one who was in charge of paying the bills from the beginning of our marriage. I asked him to please give me the receipts of his purchases so I could balance the checkbook and make sure we don't go over. He would give me maybe 3 of the 5 receipts and sometimes the account would go negative and he would blame it on me. At the time I was making way more money than him and I even paid off one of his CC that went to collections. Then when the money problems really started happening was when he had an emotional affair. I was so depressed that I started paying bills late and stopped caring. I eventually got somewhat back on track and that is when I left to go to school....
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,595
Re: Joint Accounts
Sounds like the money issues are more his problem then yours. He is using control of the money to hide his bad habits or poor management. How are you two as a couple? Did the EA end?
My wife and I have seperate accounts, but it is more because she can't manage money that well and always uses her debit card until the account is negative. So for us having a stable account works well. But if she needs I always have money for her to borro even though she makes more money than i do.
Sounds like the money issues are more his problem then yours. He is using control of the money to hide his bad habits or poor management. How are you two as a couple? Did the EA end?
Yeah the EA ended and then it happened again with someone else right before I came home from school. He has good management now with his money. I look at his bank receipts and he always has quite a bit saved up. I work in the spa industry, and with the economy how it is I'm just not doing that well....
We both went to purchase a new car right before I went to school. He said that it was his turn to pick the car out. When we walked into the dealership he said I don't care how much the payments is, we just need to get rid of our old car (btw..we were negative on it) he is the head person on the loan, I am 2nd. The car payment is $800 a month. He says it's my car, that he didn't want it so I make the payment.
Well as a couple, we are good one minute and he treats me so well and then as soon as I bring up, finances, buying a house or anything that has to do with us moving forward in life he gets so mad at me and does not want to talk about it. I talk calmly. I don't yell so there is no need for him to get mad about it. He recently started raising his voice with me when I want to talk about these issues. He told me about a week ago that he was not sure if he wanted to be with me. I'm so frustrated and hurt inside. Even thought he makes me feel the way he does, I still love him so much and I keep trying just hoping that something will change the way he treats our marriage....
My wife and I have seperate accounts, but it is more because she can't manage money that well and always uses her debit card until the account is negative. So for us having a stable account works well. But if she needs I always have money for her to borro even though she makes more money than i do.
draconis
Yeah he blames me for when our account used to go negative. There was no talking in why it was negative...it was just my fault. When I did move for a year to go to school, I had to open an account in the state I was living in and my account was never negative. It's nice he always has money, but it sucks if we run out of something in the house and I don't have the money then I have to go to him and say, Oh I don't have money please go buy dog food....I feel so much less of a person because I don't have money for dog food...
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,595
Re: Joint Accounts
“His money”
“Your car”
Multiple EAs
Won’t commit to the future.
None of these are good signs.
Your husband has checked out of the marriage. Did the second EA end or do you suspect it is still going on? I suspect her root reason for the control over the money is that he is preparing for a divorce. I’m sorry to say that but it’s what fits the scenario. Before the situation with the money gets any better, you will need to heal as a couple. He needs to come to the conclusion that he does want to be with you for the rest of his life. I suspect there are other issues driving this wedge between the two of you. It’s not the money. I think the two of you need to discuss whatever core issues are of a concern to each of you. I also suspect something happened or changed while you were away at school. Any light you can shed for us?
“His money”
“Your car”
Multiple EAs
Won’t commit to the future.
None of these are good signs.
Your husband has checked out of the marriage. Did the second EA end or do you suspect it is still going on? I suspect her root reason for the control over the money is that he is preparing for a divorce. I’m sorry to say that but it’s what fits the scenario. Before the situation with the money gets any better, you will need to heal as a couple. He needs to come to the conclusion that he does want to be with you for the rest of his life. I suspect there are other issues driving this wedge between the two of you. It’s not the money. I think the two of you need to discuss whatever core issues are of a concern to each of you. I also suspect something happened or changed while you were away at school. Any light you can shed for us?
First ill start with the reason why I went out of state for school. The school here in Vegas was a full time only. I had to go 6 days a week, 10 hours a day. I asked my husband if he would mind me not working so I could go. He said "you have to work, I'm not paying your bills." I also needed help from him with taking a loan out for school. He would not help...so I moved to stay with my family where I could go part time and still work. They payed for my school and ill pay them back. In the mean time, I'm going to school and working 7 days a week. I started talking to a friend back home (male) and he was looking for a new place to move with his girlfriend because he was getting into some bad habits. I talked to my husband about him moving here and helping he and his girlfriend out. My husband said no way did not even want to listen to me. I went out and got my own apartment, (for a stupid reason) my husband said that I could not make it on my own. I wanted to prove him wrong, but instead it caused more problems. Then I did wrong and helped my friend out and let him move in with me. He only stayed 3 weeks and then left. He did not like it. I lied to my husband about it. Then eventually he found out and he brought up divorce. Since then I have not lied to my husband. He still continued to lie to me. I said we should go back to counseling. He says "why, it didn't help the first time" We have both messed up and I have been trying my hardest to keep us together. I have given up things for him and compromised a lot! Now you know all, any suggestions on what to do to help our marriage??? Thanks
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,595
Re: Joint Accounts
Based on what you’ve said you are both dealing with a lot of trust issues. You because of the EAs and him because you went against his wishes then lied about it. There may be lingering thoughts of your fidelity to him during those three weeks. In my opinion however your husband is selfish and acting in an immature manner. As I said he has disconnected from the marriage and is likely looking at his options. Just because counseling didn’t work the first time doesn’t mean it won’t in the future. Find a new counselor and begin sessions on your own. Let him know you are going. In order to move forward you will need to begin to communicate with each other. Not easily done since he has shut down and closed up. Is he receptive at all to discussing your relationship?
Based on what you’ve said you are both dealing with a lot of trust issues. You because of the EAs and him because you went against his wishes then lied about it. There may be lingering thoughts of your fidelity to him during those three weeks. In my opinion however your husband is selfish and acting in an immature manner. As I said he has disconnected from the marriage and is likely looking at his options. Just because counseling didn’t work the first time doesn’t mean it won’t in the future. Find a new counselor and begin sessions on your own. Let him know you are going. In order to move forward you will need to begin to communicate with each other. Not easily done since he has shut down and closed up. Is he receptive at all to discussing your relationship?
When I lied to him it was over a year ago. Since then I been very true to my word. He says he trusts me, yet I don't fully trust him on a lot of things he says. It just does not add up sometimes.
As far as counseling, I really want to go again. I have talked many times about it. His response is "he doesn't think it will work" and "he will go if I set it up"
When it comes to talking about our relationship. I will poor my heart out to him and try to make it as easy as possible to talk about and I'm the one doing all the talking and he says NOTHING!!!!! Every time!!! Never responds, I ask why and he says "he does not know what to say" He does not even try to add any response.
We got married when I was 18 he was 19. We were dating a year before. We have been together for almost 9 years and everything about him is changing, he's raising his voice, he is saying other woman are hot in front of me, when i'm feeling down he does not even care to ask why, he is so addicted to cars and drag racing that he has 5 cars. All his money goes to his things. I want to buy nice things for the house but we don't get new things unless I buy them. His priorities are obviously not me and as I continue to write this, it is becoming very apparent! He is not the man I married.
Joint Accounts 
