Main source of income - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 03:55 AM Thread Starter
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Main source of income

I work 3rd shift at a job that I'm grateful for, but it's not my preference... but it pays the bills. I'm kinda old fashioned and trying to do the honorable thing, I told my wife i didn't want her to work, if I had it my way. Our bills get paid (just barely), she said she would start looking for a job once she takes her mom to several doctors appointment she had out of town. Well that was 2 weeks ago. I know she hasn't been looking. Her mom lives with us and helps out too, but I'm tired of never having any money. She is always budgeting for things she wants... IE: breakfast almost every morning after I get off work. It's appreciated however I don't HAVE to have it EVERY morning(until recently, we just make breakfast sandwiches out of English muffins). She gets on me about wanting to try different programs and systems I see online as a way to make money and potentially become financially free. I feel like at least I'm trying which more than what she's doing. SUGGESTIONS!

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 05:23 AM
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Re: Main source of income

Hi, I replied in one of your other threads. I wonder if it may be helpful to you and others if your threads could be condensed into one so we can get a bigger picture of what is going on? A mod can do that for you.

Your issue around money hits home to me because we have a similar situation going on. I haven't worked outside the home for 17 years (though I have a disabled child which complicates things somewhat - however, in theory I could work a few hours if I could find something that fitted in around my responsibilities to him).

I have always felt embarrassed and guilty for not financially contributing to the household income but at the same time I do feel that my family get good value for money. My job is to keep everything running smoothly, support my husband in his job, make sure the finances add up at the end of the month, that everyone has what they need for the next day, the house is clean and tidy, food in the cupboard. My family like this. My husband likes me being here for the kids when they get home, or be able to drive to school to attend meetings, or be there for them when they are sick. If I worked he would have to do a lot more than he already does. I also look after my elderly parents (one is disabled) and that is also important to us.

In contrast, you are NOT happy, you are working too many hours and you are dissatisfied with how things are financially and she makes promises that she doesn't keep. You don't seem to think you are getting value from your wife being at home. So your system is not working. Something has to change or you will work yourself to death or have a nervous breakdown from the stress of being the only breadwinner.

Have you any children? Is your MIL disabled?
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 05:33 AM
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Re: Main source of income

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Her mom has some health issues, but it's my belief that she could take care of herself. It was my understanding that she was just going help financially until we get stable we just moved to another state. However it has turned to, once we pay off the house she gets it(how, she'll be older). They have somewhat of a toxic relationship, screaming and cursing each other out and this affects me... as it seems when they argue she has less patience for me. I understand wanting to care for your parent(s) as they get older, but I'm tired of it... i can't walk around in my boxer if I so chose... well I could but I think that's disrespectful. HELP
Found this which answers my other question. It is all very good and admirable caring for an elderly parent if it works - but it seems there is quite a lot stress in your life that you need to sort out. You can't work 3 jobs and then be coming home to this. Maybe walking around in your boxers IS the solution .
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 06:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Main source of income

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Originally Posted by peacem View Post
Hi, I replied in one of your other threads. I wonder if it may be helpful to you and others if your threads could be condensed into one so we can get a bigger picture of what is going on? A mod can do that for you.

Your issue around money hits home to me because we have a similar situation going on. I haven't worked outside the home for 17 years (though I have a disabled child which complicates things somewhat - however, in theory I could work a few hours if I could find something that fitted in around my responsibilities to him).

I have always felt embarrassed and guilty for not financially contributing to the household income but at the same time I do feel that my family get good value for money. My job is to keep everything running smoothly, support my husband in his job, make sure the finances add up at the end of the month, that everyone has what they need for the next day, the house is clean and tidy, food in the cupboard. My family like this. My husband likes me being here for the kids when they get home, or be able to drive to school to attend meetings, or be there for them when they are sick. If I worked he would have to do a lot more than he already does. I also look after my elderly parents (one is disabled) and that is also important to us.

In contrast, you are NOT happy, you are working too many hours and you are dissatisfied with how things are financially and she makes promises that she doesn't keep. You don't seem to think you are getting value from your wife being at home. So your system is not working. Something has to change or you will work yourself to death or have a nervous breakdown from the stress of being the only breadwinner.

Have you any children? Is your MIL disabled?
No kids, her mom is just lazy... even she says so, I have to listen to her complain about that as well. Not to mention doctors told her she needs to walk 3x a week a 15-20min(or at work towards it) at time or the next time that have to do that procedure (stints in her leg) they'll have to amputate... her response to us, not the doctor was, "I don't care let them cut them off". She just lays in bed all day on her phone playing games and Facebook, with the occasional phone call and snacking on junk food. She only gets up to use the bathroom, eat dinner and shower.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 08:19 AM
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Re: Main source of income

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No kids, her mom is just lazy... even she says so, I have to listen to her complain about that as well. Not to mention doctors told her she needs to walk 3x a week a 15-20min(or at work towards it) at time or the next time that have to do that procedure (stints in her leg) they'll have to amputate... her response to us, not the doctor was, "I don't care let them cut them off". She just lays in bed all day on her phone playing games and Facebook, with the occasional phone call and snacking on junk food. She only gets up to use the bathroom, eat dinner and shower.
Well, put her out then. My father put his MIL out. It was not so bad. My mother put her in an assited living complex not far from where they lived. But my grandmother never forgave my parents. She was an unapologetic smoker. Neither of my parents smoke. Since my grandmother relentlessly called me fat when I was growing up; criticised my appearance due to my hair and told me that my tits were too small, well she wasn't much a of grandmother.

I'm just saying, just because people are old doesn't make them royalty. If you value your marriage, do what you need to do.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 08:49 AM
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Re: Main source of income

Agreed wholeheartedly with NTA.

On a financial note I would be tempted to take 100% control of the money. You pay the bills and perhaps give your W a small amount in relation to any work she does around the house (if she does an hours worth of chores then pay her by the hour). If she needs more money then she will be forced to look for a job). At least that way you won't feel that you are working your arse off with nothing to show for it, at least you will be in control.

MIL has to go. I wonder if your W is using her as an excuse not to work. If your wife was working your MIL may voluntarily leave because she hasn't got someone running around after her 24/7. Does your MIL contribute?
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 08:55 AM
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Re: Main source of income

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Originally Posted by peacem View Post
Agreed wholeheartedly with NTA.

On a financial note I would be tempted to take 100% control of the money. You pay the bills and perhaps give your W a small amount in relation to any work she does around the house (if she does an hours worth of chores then pay her by the hour). If she needs more money then she will be forced to look for a job). At least that way you won't feel that you are working your arse off with nothing to show for it, at least you will be in control.

MIL has to go. I wonder if your W is using her as an excuse not to work. If your wife was working your MIL may voluntarily leave because she hasn't got someone running around after her 24/7. Does your MIL contribute?
yeah, a few eeks ago I was having dinner at a friend's house. her husband was there. Leter in the evening when she mentioned that she would come and visit me -- in another city, read: costs -- her husband mentioned that they had just missed this month's mortgage payment. Don't let it get to that point.
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