Unmotivated to provide financially - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #16 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 01:44 PM
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Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

He absolutely has the right to choose his own employment and to fail to live up to his potential while letting his parents pay his bills. That doesn't mean you should stay with him, though.

There are men who don't lie, cheat, steal, or abuse their spouses AND manage to work a full time job that pays a salary commensurate with their level of education and training.

The real question is what kind of life do you want and can you have that life with this man? If the answer is no, then you will need to make a choice.


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #17 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 02:16 PM
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Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

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Well I didn't run. I got married to him lol and telling me I should have run and what was I thinking does not change anything or provide any useful advice... it's just insulting.
There's a lot of that useless and insulting "what you should have done" advice on this forum. Just ignore it.

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He IS a good man. He is just really lacking motivation to let go of his comfortable entry level job..
I ask you again what what was he charge/convicted of? A person's criminal record can say a lot about how good they are which is of course why potential employers sometimes pull the plug when they discover one.
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post #18 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 02:31 PM
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Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

Answer this one question. Do you like being married to a little boy? If the answer is yes, be happy with what you have, stop complaining, ask your in-laws for a loan to finish your education and become the sole breadwinner. If the answer is no, file for divorce. (I suspect you will eventually) Sorry, there is no door number three. This is who he is.
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post #19 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 03:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

I don't feel comfortable identifying that much information, but it was non-theft, non-violent misdemeanor that is over 8 years old, no charges or infractions of any kind since then and it was disclosed on his application. They offered him the job, it's the board who denied it.
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post #20 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 03:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

I guess I just find it kind of hard to swallow that everybody is just saying "this is who he is"... if he was applying for jobs a few weeks ago, excited and doing what he needed to and now suddenly has 0 interest... why is that "who he is?" And why do people really believe that others can't improve ever? Nobody has ever turned their life around on this forum? I used to be an obese smoker with no education, goals or ambition. Now I'm at a healthy weight, I workout 6 days a week, I made salary at my job (even though it's not a high salary), don't smoke and I am going to college. I bet a lot of people would have considered me a "loser who would never change" back then too, in fact some people even told me just that, but they were wrong. He's obviously capable of change if he's quit drinking and did apply for some jobs and follow through, even if he stopped applying now after having the recent offer retracted. It's the sudden brake on things that's upsetting me. It is confusing and hurtful. I don't understand why he isn't brushing himself off and getting back on the horse when he knows it could make such a big difference in our quality of life.
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post #21 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 04:01 PM
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Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

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I don't feel comfortable identifying that much information, but it was non-theft, non-violent misdemeanor that is over 8 years old, no charges or infractions of any kind since then
Its anonymous here and it tells us about his character.
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post #22 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 04:04 PM
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Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

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Originally Posted by MaruMomo88 View Post
I don't feel comfortable identifying that much information, but it was non-theft, non-violent misdemeanor that is over 8 years old, no charges or infractions of any kind since then and it was disclosed on his application. They offered him the job, it's the board who denied it.
Why did the board deny it?

Keep in mind that you are anonymous here. We have no idea who you are or where you live.
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post #23 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 04:08 PM
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Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

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I guess I just find it kind of hard to swallow that everybody is just saying "this is who he is"... if he was applying for jobs a few weeks ago, excited and doing what he needed to and now suddenly has 0 interest... why is that "who he is?" And why do people really believe that others can't improve ever? Nobody has ever turned their life around on this forum? I used to be an obese smoker with no education, goals or ambition. Now I'm at a healthy weight, I workout 6 days a week, I made salary at my job (even though it's not a high salary), don't smoke and I am going to college. I bet a lot of people would have considered me a "loser who would never change" back then too, in fact some people even told me just that, but they were wrong. He's obviously capable of change if he's quit drinking and did apply for some jobs and follow through, even if he stopped applying now after having the recent offer retracted. It's the sudden brake on things that's upsetting me. It is confusing and hurtful. I don't understand why he isn't brushing himself off and getting back on the horse when he knows it could make such a big difference in our quality of life.
It is not that we do not believe that people can change. It's that a person only changes when they want to change.

You cannot make him change. You might be able to inspire him to change. But you would need to guess the magic formula to do that.

People usually only change when they are uncomfortable and/or stand to lose something important to them. As long as the status quo continues, he has no reason to change. Change is painful. It takes a lot of effort and focus. What in the current situation would motivate him to change?
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post #24 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 04:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

Because every district is different and this particular district has an automatic "no" policy on that particular charge, although many districts do not have that same policy.
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post #25 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 05:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

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It is not that we do not believe that people can change. It's that a person only changes when they want to change.

You cannot make him change. You might be able to inspire him to change. But you would need to guess the magic formula to do that.

People usually only change when they are uncomfortable and/or stand to lose something important to them. As long as the status quo continues, he has no reason to change. Change is painful. It takes a lot of effort and focus. What in the current situation would motivate him to change?
I have no idea to be honest. He knows we don't have a lot of money. I just discussed with him this afternoon more ways we'll need to cut expenses. He mentioned he is going to think of ways to make more money but also clearly states he is not interested in that specific position anymore with the 20k raise. I guess not being able to pay our bills anymore would force him to make more money. But that doesn't necessarily mean he'd take that job. He threw out the idea of teaching more private one on one lessons... but he'd just be working more, for not that much more profit... I don't understand why he'd rather work more and see less benefit. He says "he doesn't feel like managing a classroom.."...yet he accepted the offer for that position only 2 weeks ago and the only reason he's not currently employed in that position is because they retracted? It just makes no sense. Its like he is almost relieved it didn't workout because maybe midway through he realized it's not what he really wanted? But then he goes back and forth and mentions plans of doing it again "because it might be something he wants to do in the future". It's like he can't make up his mind basically. His degree is in performance, but the performance life sucks and he knows that now, education isn't his "love" for a career, although he's good at it and has experience with his private lessons and really, besides performance, it's the only logical job in his field. And to answer the bills question, I contribute roughly 250.00 more per month currently than he does. (Not counting my student loan refunds which are saved in my private account or only used for something I may need for school, not for our bills. I have used it for bills in the past but do not plan on doing so in the future).

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post #26 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 06:07 AM
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Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

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I have no idea to be honest. He knows we don't have a lot of money. I just discussed with him this afternoon more ways we'll need to cut expenses. He mentioned he is going to think of ways to make more money but also clearly states he is not interested in that specific position anymore with the 20k raise. I guess not being able to pay our bills anymore would force him to make more money. But that doesn't necessarily mean he'd take that job. He threw out the idea of teaching more private one on one lessons... but he'd just be working more, for not that much more profit... I don't understand why he'd rather work more and see less benefit. He says "he doesn't feel like managing a classroom.."...yet he accepted the offer for that position only 2 weeks ago and the only reason he's not currently employed in that position is because they retracted? It just makes no sense. Its like he is almost relieved it didn't workout because maybe midway through he realized it's not what he really wanted? But then he goes back and forth and mentions plans of doing it again "because it might be something he wants to do in the future". It's like he can't make up his mind basically. His degree is in performance, but the performance life sucks and he knows that now, education isn't his "love" for a career, although he's good at it and has experience with his private lessons and really, besides performance, it's the only logical job in his field. And to answer the bills question, I contribute roughly 250.00 more per month currently than he does. (Not counting my student loan refunds which are saved in my private account or only used for something I may need for school, not for our bills. I have used it for bills in the past but do not plan on doing so in the future).


The problem isn't that he's making less money than he could. It isn't that he's not living up to his potential. The problem as I see it is in you. You see the effort you're putting in, the various ways you are improving yourself and growing. And his effort is just not equitable. He's coasting when you are firing on all cylinders. And his parent mooching, underemployed ass is just not very attractive to someone on the rise. It was acceptable, but not any longer. You've changed and he didn't grow with you. He may never. Can you live with that and still respect him? Or will that slowly undermine your attraction to him over time?

My thoughts are that his parents will continue to subsidize your lifestyle until you increase your earnings. And he will be fine with that. Will you? People can change - you are a good example with your education and weight loss. But most people need a catalyst of energizing discomfort. If you want change, you will most likely have to be the agent. Your method is destabilization of the relationship. It's the fairer thing to do - a heads up - rather than walking out suddenly at your breaking point. He needs to understand just how serious this is and that if things continue as is that you will need to end the marriage. You need a partner, not a dependent.


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post #27 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 06:35 AM
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Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

Again, you want a certain outcome and you prove it through your actions and all he has is talk and you believe it. When action and talking does not align, his words become meaningless if he wants them to be true or not. He may want a house, but it is not enough to aim for. He may want children, but it is not enough to work for. He may be simply dragging you along and telling you what you want to hear as well as those actions also match with him doing nothing to reach his goals. He may simply be waiting for you to do all the work and when you have a career, then those things may be probable.

Plus, in terms of human behavior, one does not tend to change until there is enough feelings of discomfort as Ele stated for one to change. A person may be obese and they may change when the doctor tells them that they are at risk for diabetes, or when they have diabetes, a heart attack, whatever the consequences that are necessary to change. You do not know the level of discomfort it will take for him to change and the same actions tend to net the same results. Whatever you are currently doing, it is nearly improbable that it will work. It is like you are using a screwdriver to pound a nail and you find the results tedious. Imagine using a hammer instead but in this case, you do not know what stimulus to apply to alter what you want. He wants things, but does not want to work for it. Either he really does not or he would rather have someone else do it for him.

Either you have to accept that you will not have a nice home, vacations around the world, have children later in life or not at all,in order to stay married to him. You are the one making assumptions of him changing while I can make a prediction of what the outcome is so far. Everyday that goes by, my predictions are true based on prior behavior. When life throws him obstacles, he quits. He does not want his parents paying his bills you say, well he just accepted it and quit. He wants nice things, well he just gave up once one thing did not go well for him.

So, if you want to stay with him, you either accept him as he is and work towards those things on your own while he shares in your success. Hopefully he does not resent you and vice versa. If you really want children, home and traveling and and such, you have to take him out of that equation or make him a smaller variable. You have to make x amount more to cover what you want. If he makes 20k a year, you may have to make 50k a year to be comfortable. If you want children, you may have to wait until your mid-thirties and assume he is not just stringing you along without a real goal of children. If you have also read those posts, that has happened before and some people on here went childless because their partner strung them along. Oh, they did not cheat, steal and such either.

It is better to make plans on the assumption he will not change as you have years to back up that assumption. I can guess the sun will rise everyday because it has so far based on a pattern. Extreme example I know. I can assume that I am in great health because I take care of my health. Until I stop working out and eating junk food, then I can stop making that assumption. Your husband is the same in his disposition, behavior, so I can assume he is all talk at the moment.

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post #28 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 07:54 AM
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Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

Now THIS is a great post.

And I like that you helped him stop drinking.

I do not however, believe you can give someone else ambition.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MaruMomo88 View Post
I guess I just find it kind of hard to swallow that everybody is just saying "this is who he is"... if he was applying for jobs a few weeks ago, excited and doing what he needed to and now suddenly has 0 interest... why is that "who he is?" And why do people really believe that others can't improve ever? Nobody has ever turned their life around on this forum? I used to be an obese smoker with no education, goals or ambition. Now I'm at a healthy weight, I workout 6 days a week, I made salary at my job (even though it's not a high salary), don't smoke and I am going to college. I bet a lot of people would have considered me a "loser who would never change" back then too, in fact some people even told me just that, but they were wrong. He's obviously capable of change if he's quit drinking and did apply for some jobs and follow through, even if he stopped applying now after having the recent offer retracted. It's the sudden brake on things that's upsetting me. It is confusing and hurtful. I don't understand why he isn't brushing himself off and getting back on the horse when he knows it could make such a big difference in our quality of life.
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post #29 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 04:58 PM
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Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

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Originally Posted by MaruMomo88 View Post
I have no idea to be honest. He knows we don't have a lot of money. I just discussed with him this afternoon more ways we'll need to cut expenses. He mentioned he is going to think of ways to make more money but also clearly states he is not interested in that specific position anymore with the 20k raise. I guess not being able to pay our bills anymore would force him to make more money. But that doesn't necessarily mean he'd take that job. He threw out the idea of teaching more private one on one lessons... but he'd just be working more, for not that much more profit... I don't understand why he'd rather work more and see less benefit. He says "he doesn't feel like managing a classroom.."...yet he accepted the offer for that position only 2 weeks ago and the only reason he's not currently employed in that position is because they retracted? It just makes no sense. Its like he is almost relieved it didn't workout because maybe midway through he realized it's not what he really wanted? But then he goes back and forth and mentions plans of doing it again "because it might be something he wants to do in the future". It's like he can't make up his mind basically. His degree is in performance, but the performance life sucks and he knows that now, education isn't his "love" for a career, although he's good at it and has experience with his private lessons and really, besides performance, it's the only logical job in his field. And to answer the bills question, I contribute roughly 250.00 more per month currently than he does. (Not counting my student loan refunds which are saved in my private account or only used for something I may need for school, not for our bills. I have used it for bills in the past but do not plan on doing so in the future).
It's easy to figure out. He doesn't want to work a job as someone else's employee. He is not very concerned about the money because his parents are paying some of the bills and you have a stable job. He is simply lazy and immature. I'd wonder if he knew the district would reject him and the whole application, interview, and enthusiasm were faked for your benefit so you'd stop harassing him about all those pesky real life adult responsibilities like bills.

This is who he is. It really is. The man is over 30 years old! If he was going to become ambitious, he'd have done it by now.

Sure, he could change. But why would he want to?

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #30 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 07:00 PM
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Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

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What's more confusing is that he's specifically not interested in it "right now"... even though he was 2 weeks ago when he applied for the job and then was denied at the last stage. It's just discouraging that he seems to have done a 180 on the job interest and now seems no longer open to the higher paying job.
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Originally Posted by MaruMomo88 View Post
if he was applying for jobs a few weeks ago, excited and doing what he needed to and now suddenly has 0 interest... why is that "who he is?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaruMomo88 View Post
He says "he doesn't feel like managing a classroom.."...yet he accepted the offer for that position only 2 weeks ago and the only reason he's not currently employed in that position is because they retracted? It just makes no sense. Its like he is almost relieved it didn't workout because maybe midway through he realized it's not what he really wanted? But then he goes back and forth and mentions plans of doing it again "because it might be something he wants to do in the future". It's like he can't make up his mind basically.
This is called cognitive dissonance. He didn't get the job when he had pinned big hopes on it. So to protect his ego and make himself feel better about losing the opportunity, he has convinced himself he didn't want it in the first place. And if he didn't really want it in the first place, to be internally consistent, he has to continue to not want something similar in the future. Hence, not applying to similar jobs.

I'd give it some time, for him to become more emotionally distant from the loss, and then encourage him not to apply for more similar jobs, but to brainstorm more ways to improve things.

Alternatively, you said he's not much of a planner, and planning is certainly an important aspect of teaching. Maybe his initial enthusiasm was the faked part, and he's secretly relieved he didn't get the job but doesn't know how to tell you.
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